Cycle 29-11: Cherished Memories (Patreon)

Philip looked out over the horizon, shifting slightly where he sat. After a moment's pause, he began.

"As you have undoubtedly noticed, Serena and I live with our grandmother. That is because my parents are out of the picture. We receive no support, financial or otherwise, from them. My grandmother's age also renders her unable to work, and although she receives a small monthly stipend, it is not nearly enough to support her, much less the three of us together. Therefore, my own occupations provide the main source of income for the household."

Kaitlyn blinked, taking in the information. It was a simple, dense, and to-the-point summary, completely in line with how Philip usually spoke. But the matter-of-fact way in which he listed out his circumstances… well, it gave her pause.

"Ok…" After a moment of digesting both her meal and Philip's words, she let out a long breath. "I have some questions."

"Go ahead." He continued to stare at the ocean. "I am willing to answer whatever questions you have."

Where to start? I guess the obvious one... "What do you mean, your parents are 'out of the picture?' Are they…?"

"Dead? My father is." Philip nodded. "My mother is still alive. But as I said, we have no contact with her."

Geez. "Why not?" Kaitlyn pressed. "Did she abandon you or something?"

"No. Quite the opposite." Philip shook his head. "After my father's death, her coping mechanism of choice was a form of substance abuse. Whatever money he had saved up prior to his death disappeared as part of her 'expenses', as well as the insurance payments. As such, at sixteen I found it prudent to extricate myself and my sister from the household and–"

"Wait wait wait, hold on." Kaitlyn cradled her head in her hands.

"Yes?"

"I just… give me a second to process all that." She breathed slowly, even as she screamed internally.

How is he saying this all so casually?! This is awful stuff! Heck, I'm getting traumatized just hearing about it!

"Are you alright?"

Kaitlyn lifted her head incredulously. "You're asking me if I'm alright?! Philip, that's what I should be asking you!"

He raised a questioning eyebrow. "Why? I am speaking of the past. Although its events led to my present situation, I have long since moved past these issues toward a more productive trajectory."

As he spoke, Kaitlyn couldn't help but shake her head. This guy… he can't be serious. Moving on just isn't as simple as saying "oh well" and going from there. Though… as she watched Philip's face, she could see traces of tension there. …Maybe I'm being a bit too harsh, there. It's obviously affected him, maybe more than he's letting on.

"Sorry…" Kaitlyn took one last breath and gestured for Philip to continue. If he didn't want to dwell on the more tragic elements of his story, then the least she could do was hold her peace as well. "Didn't mean to interrupt."

"That's quite alright." He shrugged. "As I was saying, my sister and I left the household when I was sixteen. That was the earliest I could remove us from the situation, as well as work enough to support us fully."

"That's when you started at Chella's, isn't it?"

"...Technically, yes." Philip said evasively. "In truth, Mr. and Mrs. Anatonia… supported me… for a while before that. It allowed me to ensure some kind of steady income for the household prior to moving out."

Figures. Kaitlyn didn't expect anything less from a softie like Scarra. They probably had something worked out under the table, if Philip would've signed on to something like that. Scarra probably forced plenty of food on him, too, if I had to guess.

"Right…" She leaned back on her towel. "That's… a lot."

Philip shrugged. "It's the truth. Now you understand my situation more fully – both financial and personal."

Kaitlyn bit her lip. He wasn't wrong. She did know what Philip's situation was. But she didn't understand.

How did he manage to pull through all that? No, the real question is, how did he come through like this? He's got so much reason to feel sorry for himself, or at least be pissed off. Whatever he says, if anyone deserves pity and charity, it's him. And yet…

After a moment of thought, she realized she had even more questions. Though Philip's description had given her a broad outline of his life, it missed a lot of details. Namely, ones that related to him.

"...Can I ask you another question?"

His grey eyes met hers. "I have already indicated that I will answer whatever questions you have."

"Right. You did…" Kaitlyn still hesitated for a moment. "Were you… close with your father?"

"...I certainly respected him. I was twelve when he passed away in a work-related accident." Philip looked down at his hands. "He was a good man. A hard worker who provided for us. His vocation often took him away from the home for extended periods, but despite that he kept our family together."

The faint look of melancholy on Philip's face told her everything she needed to know. That's where he gets the work ethic from, I guess.

"What about your mom?"

"No." He shook his head. "We were never close. She was nothing but a burden, even before my father's passing. Her fancies and obsessions served as nothing but a drain on our family's resources my entire life. My mother was just another person for my father to care for. A particularly expensive one."

"Geez…" Kaitlyn couldn't help but mutter. The woman sounded like a real piece of work – at least, from Philip's perspective. "Do you hate her?

"Hate is the wrong word." The tutor shrugged noncommittally. "It is difficult to hate someone who is so outside of your consideration. Perhaps it's better to say that I don't care about her. She is no longer a part of my life, and it's better that way."

The cold detachment of the words sent chills down Kaitlyn's spine. His face didn't betray any anger or even resentment as he spoke. Just… apathy. As though he were talking about some secondhand story he'd read online.

I can't even imagine. She shivered. That's… that's almost scarier than if he DID hate her.

"Does she miss you guys?"

"As I said, it's not my concern." His lips twisted into a wry smile. "Although I sincerely doubt it. It's more likely that she's glad to be relieved of our burden. She always was fond of saying that she just wasn't meant to be a mother."

"Really?"

"Yes." He nodded. "I agree with her conclusion, at least. When her poor decisions would result in even poorer outcomes, she'd shift the blame elsewhere to my father's death, her grief, or whatever other environmental factor she could feasibly latch onto. That, or claim that she was trying her best. I doubt she ever once took personal responsibility for anything in her life."

Kaitlyn went silent for a long moment, staring off toward the horizon. Her fists balled up the towel beneath her. I don't know what to say. I just don't know. What CAN I say? "I'm sorry?" She scoffed at the thought. He didn't tell me this to get pity. That's clear. But still, he told me anyway. He opened up to me.

"...Thank you. For telling me." It felt insufficient, but she had to say something. And she was grateful. It was the most the guy had ever spoken about himself by a wide margin. And about such personal things, too…

"You're welcome." Philip's dark hair ruffled slightly in the breeze. "Hopefully this helped to clear up any misunderstandings."

"Yeah…" That's one way to put it. "But, why–"

"I have ice cream!!!"

Serena's voice reached them shortly before she did, skidding to a halt and leaving short gouges in the sand. In her hands she clutched three colorful and individually packaged frozen treats.

Philip's demeanor softened once more as his sister appeared. "You were gone for quite a while."

"There was a lotta options." She nodded seriously.

"There were a lot of options," Philip corrected.

"Right! That's what I said!"

Kaitlyn forced herself to put aside the previous conversation and bring a smile to her face. "Well, I'm sure you picked out the good ones for us then. Let's see."

As Serena passed out the treats – making sure to return the remaining change – Kaitlyn couldn't help but glance Philip's way. He'd surprised her today, in more ways than one.

He not only invited me here, but also told me about his past. The question is… why? Was it just to clarify things? Or is there something else to it?

She had her suspicions, of course. Suspicions she wasn't entirely sure she wanted to think about. Not right now.

Not yet. Just let me have today.

She bit into her ice cream, trying to block out everything else with the flavor of cold vanilla.

***

The sun had just begun to tint the sky orange as they pulled up to Hartland University. Philip's evening shift at the restaurant precluded the possibility of campfire s'mores, unfortunately, but Serena hadn't seemed to mind. The beach itself had been enough to overload her fun meter already, so much so that Philip had needed to carry her sleeping form inside the house when they arrived.

But with his little sister dropped off and his usual dress shirt and vest combo donned, Philip was ready for work. After a quick stop at Hartland, of course.

He rolled up to the dorm parking lot, the sedan's engine chugging quietly as it idled. Philip looked over toward the passenger seat. "We've arrived."

"Yup." Kaitlyn unbuckled her seatbelt. "Thanks again for inviting me. Serena's adorable."

"Indeed." Philip agreed easily. "Thank you for coming, and for all of your efforts to plan the event. Not to mention your… generosity. I'm glad you came with us."

"Of course!" She smiled at him. "Anytime. Really."

She almost turned toward the door, but Philip stopped her. Not intentionally. There was just something in his eyes, a strange look there that made her pause.

"...Everything ok?" Kaitlyn tilted her head.

"Hmm?"

"You look like you want to say something."

Philip hesitated, seeming to almost shake his head before relenting. "I… do. Thank you. For this."

Her eyebrows rose. "Didn't you already thank me?"

"I did, but not specifically enough." Philip cleared his throat as he searched for the words. "Thank you… for my sake. For convincing me to stop and appreciate time with my sister. Although my situation still demands my full efforts, I think that… you were right. This is a good memory for her. One that she'll cherish for years to come."

And just like that, Kaitlyn felt the day's illusion shatter around her.

Her smile faltered as the implications of Philip's words set in. She… she won't. She won't remember. She'll forget it all with the next reset. Just like everyone else. Just like you.

The reminder didn't crush her the same way it had in the past. But still, it hurt. Especially after today.

I managed to forget where I was, just for a little while. I really let myself just… be happy. Not worry about all this. But now… dangit, I was fine for so many loops. Why does it have to come back up now?

"Kaitlyn?"

She met Philip's gaze. There was concern there, genuine worry for her given the strange reaction. And that strange other look too.

Turning away, she opened the door. Words poured out of her in a rush. "S-sorry. I don't want to make you late. See you tomorrow? To study?"

Philip's eyes widened in surprise, then returned to normal. "Yes. Of course. I'll see you tomorrow."

"See you." Kaitlyn quickly stepped onto the curb and closed the door behind her. She didn't meet Philip's eyes as he pulled away, his car wheezing into the distance.

Dang it. Dang it, dang it, dang it.

She quickly turned toward the dorm, hoping that he didn't look back. Her cheeks felt hot as she bit her lip, holding back sudden tears. Why were these feelings coming back up now? Why did the thought of the loop ending again hurt?

Why does it feel like I have something to lose?