Hazbin Hotel X-over Ch. 4 (Patreon)

“These are our well manicured grounds, kept in tip top shape by our friendly groundspeeker, Calvin Malfoy.”

Professor Birch smiled at a stocky man with shoulder length brown hair and a five o clock shadow, who waved back at them all as he levitated some felled branches over to the edge of the forest.

“Malfoy!?” Harry barked in shock. “A Malfoy is a groundskeeper?”

Birch looked at him curiously. “You've heard the name?”

Voldemort smiled tightly while he surreptitiously pinched Harry's side. “We are big fans of English history, madam, and the Malfoy family are quite prominent.”

“Oooh, I see. History buffs.” She eyed Loona and her revealing, gothy attire. “Don't look the type. But anyways, yes, Calvin has been a wonderful groundspeeker. Anyways, here we have a Hogwarts mainstay, the Willful Willow.”

Harry was left aghast. The students were milling about the Whomping Willow. They were getting dangerously close to its branches with not a care in the world, and when the tree reached one of its long, spindly limbs out towards the unsuspecting teenagers, it gave them a hug! The whomping willow was doling out soft, quick hugs to every student that passed.

“Isn't that thing supposed to assault them?” Voldemort asked Harry.

Professor Birch's ears perked up as she overheard them. “Wow, you truly are history buffs! That tree used to be a very dangerous safety hazard, but decades ago, a Herbology professor was able to rehabilitate it. The Willow now fits our newer, more sensible age.”

“You ruined it.” Harry mouthed.

“Pardon?”

“Nothing. Shall we continue?” Voldemort cut in.

“Sure. Let us go into the castle proper.”

“I agree with you.” Loona whispered. “A tree that punches back is way more badass. Would be perfect for a mosh pit.”

As they walked up the stone path that led to the big double doors, Harry craned his neck. He caught a small glimpse of the spot where Dumbledore's tomb sat, and it was undisturbed.

He let out a sigh of relief. “They haven't gotten to Dumbledore's tomb yet.”

“Or they did, and they were smart enough not to leave a big open tomb out in the open.” Loona pointed out.

Harry's face fell and Voldemort chuckled. “I must say, you are far too clever. You could do much better than Potter here.”

Loona glared at him, sidling up to Harry and wrapping her arms around him. “I love my alpha.”

Voldemort quirked an eyebrow. “Alpha? Kinky bitch too. But anyways, girl-” He pointed at himself. “Aromantic, asexual-”

“A-moral too.” Harry tacked on.

Voldemort rolled his eyes. “The term you're looking for is neurodivergent, Potter.”

“I'm glad you found a pretty term for being a psychopath.” Harry said.

“And THIS is our world famous Great Hall.” Professor Birch said as they entered through the double doors. She'd clearly noticed that the trio's attention had been lagging.

“Oh wow! You know, the ceiling is enchanted to match the sky outside. I read it in Hogwarts: A History.” Harry said in an overly enthusiastic tone as he looked over to Voldemort, who became appropriately annoyed.

“What's so cool about that?” Loona asked. “Isn't that just the same as a glass ceiling?”

“It's not!”

 Loona startled as Voldemort, Harry and Professor Birch all snapped at her, looking extremely offended.

Voldemort coughed into his balled up fist. “A glass ceiling would be muddied up by rain, and it would not work on the first floor of a multi-floor stone edifice, as is this magnificent castle.”

“Yeah, I get that, but still, I'm just saying, I don't get the big-”

Harry grabbed Loona's hand and gave it a squeeze. Her mouth snapped shut as Voldemort and the professor both glared in anticipation.

“It's magnificent.” She deadpanned.

The tour continued on, and as they rode the stairs up to the second Floor, Voldemort whispered to them.

“Alright, we need to lose her.” 

“What do you have in mind?” Harry asked.

“You have magic, don't you?”

Harry frowned. “Well, yeah, but I wouldn't want to assault the lady.”

“There's no need for that. Just bash her against a wall so that she loses consciousness.”

“Or maybe just put her under a sleep spell or something?” Loona suggested.

Voldemort blinked a few times. “I suppose that would work as well.”

Harry let out a breath. “Fine.” He wriggled his fingers. His magic was all intuition, all he needed to do was will the professor to fall asleep, and she would.

“WHAT ARE YOU THREE DOING!” Professor Birch shouted in a voice that startled them and made them stiffen as if they were schoolchildren.

But the shout wasn't directed at them. Professor Birch was stomping off to where three panicked students were tossing a sack full of dungbongs between them.

“How many times have I told you! And Miss Harper, I thought better of you, to be hanging around with these two hooligans! I cannot believe this, you three are coming with me right now!”

The students’ heads drooped as Professor Birch led them off, the three of them following solemnly behind her.

As their footsteps faded into the distance, the three of them were still rooted to the spot, disbelieving looks on their faces.

Voldemort was the first to recover, slicking his hair back and adjusting his collar. “Well, I'll be off. Shall we meet by the front gates?”

“Remember, you're a muggle in a magical castle.” Harry warned.

“I can take care of myself.” He sneered before turning away and heading towards the stairs.

Loona flipped her hair over her shoulder as she gave Harry an expectant look. “Where to now?”

Harry grinned, holding his arm out for her to hook onto. “Let's go find my grandsons.”

Loona grabbed onto his arm. “And beat the shit out them.”

…

“Now, this next part is called a rorschach test.” 

Charlie clapped her hands together as she leaned forward on her chair. “Oooh, i've always wanted to do one of those!”

Luna smiled serenely as she pulled out a blank piece of paper. Vaggie raised an eyebrow, tilting her head to see if the ink was on the other face, when Luna dipped her palm in an open bucket of paint by her side.

As they watched on, Luna pressed her palm against the paper, pulled it back, changed the angle and pressed it again.

“Are you fingerpainting?” Vaggie asked suspiciously.

“Shhh.” Charlie waved at her girlfriend. “Let her work, Vaggie. She's in the zone.”

Luna peppered her fingertips over the paper before turning it over, showing a bright yellow mess of smudged fingerprints and handprints. “Now tell me, what do you see?”

Charlie tilted her head to the side and squinted as she tried to make heads or tails of the image Luna was proudly holding up in front of them.

“I think I see… Oh! Its a mama bird feeding her babies!” 

Luna's kind smile fell as she shook her head. “Sorry, no, it was a mermaid on a surfboard.”

“Oh.” 

“What? Isn't there suppose to be no right answer with this type of thing?” Vaggie said.

Luna blinked owlishly at her. “What would be the point of that? No matter-” she crumpled up the piece of paper and wiped her fingers on it. “Let's move on, perhaps we should try clown therapy.”

“Clown therapy?”

Luna smiled as she leaned over and pulled out a big red nose and multi-color wig, “It's one of my most effective methods.”

Charlie cringed, not liking the look of the creepy clown attire, “Maybe we should just get to the point? I feel ready to tackle the topic head on.”

Luna pouted as she dropped the nose and wig onto the floor. “Fine. Sure.” Luna waved her wand and the plushies they were sitting on expanded and reclined until the girls found themselves lying on their backs, staring up at the ceiling.

Luna rolled up to them with a tiny notepad in hand as she cleared her throat. “Now then, how about we start at the beginning. What was your childhood like?”

Charlie put a finger to her lips, “Well, it was really nice, until my mom left, and then my dad had to leave too. I had a lot of pressure put on me, being the princess of hell and all. I was forced to take on a lot of responsibilities at a very young age.”

“Mhhmmm, mhhhm.” Luna said thoughtfully as she scribbled away at her notepad. “And how does that make you feel?”

“Not good, I guess?”

“And what about you?”

“What about me?” Vaggie asked defensively.

“What about your childhood?”

“I didn't have a childhood.” She said matter-of-factly.

“Oh my, now that is some powerful stuff.”

“That's not- I didn't mean it that wa-”

“No, no, Vaggie, I agree. We should dig deeper into that.” Charlie said.

Vaggie glanced between the two women, wondering just what exactly she'd gotten herself into.

…

“Hey, hey kids!”

The mixed group of Ravenclaws and Gryffindors, looking to be either first or second years who couldn't go out to Hogsmeade, looked a bit apprehensive as Harry and Loona approached them.

“Yes?” The bravest one of the bunch, a Gryffindor girl with twin pigtails, responded.

“I'm sorry,” Harry said as he tried to look as non-threatening as he could manage. “Have you guys guys seen some boys around? James and Charles Potter? Do you know where they might like to hang out?”

As he spoke, Harry realized just how ridiculous this all was. Even if these kids, who were much younger than his nephews, knew of them, they probably didn't know any detailed information about them, and they would definitely not divulge it to some random stranger.

“Oh my god! Those two are the worst!” One of the other girls squealed in a high-pitched voice.

“They are?” Harry asked.

“Thee worst.” The pigtailed girl insisted. “They're the two biggest litoforians in the school, and they bully everyone around and act like they're the second coming of Glargnog.”

“T-they're the biggest wha- who's Glargnog?”

“You don't know Glargnog, mister?”

“We're from South Africa.” Loona said hastily.

“Cool!” Another girl exclaimed. “Does everyone in South Africa dress like that? Maybe we should try it out?” She turned to her friends excitedly.

 “I wouldn't recommend it.” Harry jumped in. “Anyways, you said they were… errr…”

“They're litoforians, they're people who believe wizards should follow Litofor and they want to exclude the branoseists from government and think we shouldn't be allowed to marry huihuians. They're really mean pricks too.”

Loona glanced at Harry. “Did you understand any of that?”

Harry tugged at his hair in frustration. It was like every other word out of these girl's mouths was nothing but gibberish. What the fuck had happened to the world he knew, with its easy to understand blood purity wars?

“You girls wouldn't happen to know where they are, would you?” Loona asked.

“Actually, I heard them going on about how they're going to dig something up earlier. They saw me and tried to hex me after too. They're a pair of plinkplongs.”

“Martha! You can't say that word!”

Harry felt a headache coming in the longer he talked to these girls. “Awesome. Thank you girls, we'll be on our way!”

Harry grabbed Loona's hand and sprinted off in the other direction. The boys were going to dig up Dumbledore's grave, and Harry needed to intercept them before it was too late.

…

“I think it all started during my first few years at Hogwarts. My house mates would play hide and seek with my things, It was a really fun game, but they would never know when to stop.”

Charlie shook her head as she jotted down Luna's words. “Children can be so cruel. What about your relationship with your parents?”

Luna sniffed, tears beginning to trickle down her eyes. “My mother passed while she was experimenting with a new spell.”

“Oh dear.”

“I-I was there. I saw everything. I was only five.”

Charlie threw the notepad away as she began to cry in earnest. “That is so saad! Do you need a hug?”

“Yes, please.” Luna said, and Charlie threw her hands around the elderly lady as both women began to sob in earnest.

Vaggie was twiddling her thumbs and staring up at the ceiling. She'd already pinched herself multiple times, so she knew this wasn't a fever dream.

…

It felt strange, walking through the old castle. In a previous life, Hogwarts had been one of his most cherished memories, one of his few cherished memories. It had first been home, and then a bastion of all the ideals he had wished to uphold.

All of that was tainted now, and so the nostalgia he felt was a lot more bitter than sweet. 

Still, some of that old magic still remained as he slid his hand over the ancient stone of the castle. It had been well over a century since he'd been here, but he still knew these hallowed halls like the back of his hand. 

The library was empty, as was to be expected during a Hogsmeade weekend. He knew, though. He knew she'd be there, and as he drifted deeper and deeper into the library, he saw her, a small, dark haired girl sitting by her lonesome, surrounded by a tower of books. 

The girl lifted her head as she saw him approach. Her face curled into a frown, her very prominent unibrow arching into a wide, thick M.

“What do you want? There's no point in making fun of me, there's no one else around to laugh.” The girl spat, her tone dripping with acid.

“Please, Hortense, it offends me that you would think that of me.” Voldemort said as he casually pulled up a chair and sat down.

Hortense slammed her fists down on the table. “Who are you?!” She hissed.

“Why don't you dispell my glamour charm, and find out?” Voldemort said.

The girl raised an eyebrow before she aggressively slashed her wand across the table. Voldemort's form flickered for a moment before the image of a handsome young adult was replaced by the pale, snake-like visage of Lord Voldemort.

The girl gasped, her previous hostility melting away instantly. “Voldemort! Y-you're here? But how?!”

Voldemort smiled. “A temporary measure. I must soon return to the land of the dead, but I felt the need to come here, to prove to you that anything is possible if you out your mind to it.”

The girl's eyes grew wide as her lip quivered. “R-Really?”

“Hortense, you are a brilliant young witch, and there is no doubt in my mind that when you become the greatest Dark Lady the world has ever seen, you will make all those that mocked you suffer a fate worse than death!”

Hortense shed a few tears as she leapt up, running around the table and giving Voldemort a tight hug. The former dark lord stiffened, not comfortable with these displays of affection but enduring it for the sake of the girl.

“You really mean that?”

“Of course I do.”

Hortense pulled back from the hug, sniffing away tears. “I-I was actually planning on exacting my first bit of revenge today. W-would you be there for me?”

“I'd be glad to.”

…

Blitzø chugged down another beer, burping loudly before slamming the mug down hard on the table. Around him, the other patrons cheered.

“How many more is it before I get my picture up on the wall, toots?” Blitzø managed to slur out to the barmaid, who laughed jovially.

“You can have your picture up there right now if you want, Mr. Blitzø.”

Blitzø waved her off. “I don't want your charity, woman! Tell me how many!”

The barmaid shook her head. “Well, the record's stood for a century, if you wanna knock off ol’ Hagrid-” She pointed at a moving photo of a gargantuan man with a bushy beard, “You're still ten beers short.”

Blitzø narrowed his eyes in determination. “Try me.”

She sighed. “Sure thing, honey. Bring out a few more pints!”

As the beers were placed in front of him, Blitzø snapped his fingers. “And could anyone put on some tunes? I'm feeling euro-poppy right about now.”

The old man sitting closest to the wireless turned the dial, firing the device up as soft rock music began to play. He kept cranking the dial, trying to find a station playing whatever the hell ‘europop’ was, when the wireless suddenly jumped. The man snatched his hand back as blood red sparks danced all over the box before finally settling down.

The wireless crackled as a voice crooned in through the airwaves.

“Evening, my dear listeners! Do not touch that dial, unless you want the skin to melt off your fingers.” The voice laughed jovially.

“I feel like I know this guy.” Blitzø said. All around him, the patrons of the Three Broomsticks, Hogwarts students and adults alike, stiffened in their seats, their eyes glazing over as they fell into a deep trance.

“Allow me to introduce myself. I am the world famous radio demon, and I am proud to present a broadcast that I’ sure will tickle you pink!”

The ominous words were followed by an earsplitting screech, followed by loud static and what sounded like radio interference. Different voices began to drift in, and none of them sounded pleased to be there.

“PLEASE, HEL-”

“Mommy, where are we?”

“Oh god no! I knew I shouldn't have shaken his ha-”

More and more voices came in, talking over each other, jumping back and forth as the interference and static turned them into an almost indecipherable mess.

“Christ on a stick, that sounds awful. Can someone turn that off?” Blitzø lifted his head, and that was when he noticed how tense everyone was, their pupils dilating, with some even gnawing their teeth.

A fifth year Hufflepuff kicked things off by flipping a table over and punching his mate. Meanwhile, the barmaid smashed a mug over a professor's head. In a heartbeat, the tavern descended into chaos as people turned feral. Someone remembered they had magic and began tossing spells around, and that was when things truly went off the rails.

“Welp, at least I have an excuse to run off on the tab.” Blitzø slid under the table, snaking his way around what was devolving into a massive brawl of fists and magic as fires started flaring up all over the place. 

Helpfully, someone sent a blast of acid that disintegrated the door for him, allowing Blitzø to walk out of the pub completely unharmed.

All around in the quaint little hamlet of Hogsmeade, nasty curses were being hurled back and forth as all out warfare, not seen in over a century, broke out.

Blitzø dusted himself off. “Well, I guess I'll go hang out in the woods for a while.”

A hand closed around his neck, his eyes almost popping out of his skull as he was lifted off the ground.

He kicked his legs frantically in the air as two figures hovered over him. They were wearing horned masks, and there were halos above their heads.

“What do we have here?” Adam said as he squeezed Blitzø's neck just a little bit tighter.

Blitzø tried kicking him to no avail. He reached for his gun, but he'd barely managed to wrap his hand around it when it was kicked away by his other assailant.

“Don't even think about it, freak! Whatever you did to these people is gonna look like child's play after we're done with you.” Lute hissed.

“Calm your goddamn tits, Lute.” Adam said as he casually sent out a shockwave that sent the wizards that were closing in on him flying off into the distance. “First, we need this little fucker to take us to his friends.”

…

“You know what cheers me up after a good cry? Music!”

“That's a brilliant idea, Charlie. Let me turn on the wireless.” Luna summoned her radio and turned it on. Before she could even think about touching the dial, strange, inhuman screams and moans began to warble out of the device.

“Wow, human music is weirder than I thought.” Charlie said.

Meanwhile, Luna was humming to herself as she bobbed her head from side to side. “I'm not usually a fan of today's music, but this is wonderful!”

Luna jumped up and began to dance around her office. Vaggie took that opportunity to reach out and grab Charlie's attention.

“Charlie.”

“Yes?” Her girlfriend's serious tone left Charlie feeling a bit apprehensive, part of her still wishing to avoid this uncomfortable conversation.

“I love you, every single aspect of you. Your feelings for Harry are a part of you, and over the past few months I've had to accept the fact that they're genuine.”

“But Vaggie, I don't want to lose you. I can't lose you!”

“You don't have to! We live in hell, remember? We don't have to conform to anyone's expectations of what a loving relationship should be. I want us to be happy, and if that means you being with me and with Harry, then I'm all for it.”

Charlie searched her girlfriend's face, looking to see any crack in her resolve, but there was none. “You'd really be ok with this? And what about you and Harry?”

“He's become a great friend. Out of all the idiots we live with, he gets on my nerves the least. I'm not attracted to him, but that's fine. We can both be your partners without needing to be with each other.”

“That's very confusing.” Charlie said, though a tentative smile was forming on her face. “But I'd like to give it a shot, as long as you're ok with it.”

Vaggie smiled back. “I think its time we go back to the others.”

“I agree.” The women stood up while Luna twirled around the room, looking quite spry for her age.

“Let the heliopaths guide you, my lovelies! I'll be sending my bill by owl!!”

“Thank you for everything, Luna!” 

…

James wiped sweat from his brow as he spiked his shovel on the growing pile of dirt they were creating. “This shoveling shit's way too hard! How do muggles do it?”

“Stop taking so many breaks, you lazy fuck!” Charles said as he tossed dirt over his shoulder.

“I'm just saying, there's probably a charm for this.”

“Do you know how to use one?”

James spat on the ground. “Good point.” He grabbed the shovel and resumed digging.

“I can't wait for the wand to make us super wizards. First thing I'll do is show that stupid bitch professor Birch what's what, she said she's never seen a worse student!”

“Your transfiguration is garbage, Charlie.”

“Not as bad as your everything else, idiot.”

The boys dug with renewed fervor, eager to gain the wand that would turn them from barely passable Hogwarts students to super mages.

Finally, their shovels struck metal, and the boys grinned triumphantly as they quickly cleared the final layers of dirt.

An ornate casket was revealed, and Charles quickly jimmied his shovel against the latch, popping the casket open.

James covered his nose with his sleeve. “Fuck, that smells awful!” 

Charles reached down and grabbed the wand from the mummified corpse's iron grip, though it took a bit of tugging before it finally came loose.

James shut the casket lid Charles held the wand up high in the air. “Its mine! The elder wand is mine!”

“What do you mean yours, butthead?”

Charles glared at his cousin. “I did most of the digging, I get to keep it!”

“No you fucking aren't.” 

James tackled his cousin, and both boys rolled around in the grass as they struggled for control over the deathstick.

“Where did I go wrong?” Harry shook his head as he and Loona came up on the pathetic scene. “I thought I raised their grandmother right.”

“Stop it with the self-righteousness, Potter.”

Voldemort, his glamour gone, was walking up to them, followed by a young girl with a unibrow who was dragging along a rucksack.

“Wha-”

“You think that your bloodline is somehow special? That those that share your ‘pure’ blood are somehow immune from being bad people while others can only be evil?”

“No. No. You are not giving me that speech.” 

Voldemort chuckled. “I love fucking with you, Potter.”

“Who's the kid?” Loona asked.

“She is my protégé, soon to rule all of wizarding Britain with an iron fist!”

Hortense scoffed. “Wizarding Britain? That's small potatoes, the entire world will be mine for the taking!”

Voldemort smiled proudly and actually ruffled her hair. “I see now the appeal of rearing children.”

An explosion rocked the side of the castle, causing them to stumble as the earth shook. Harry looked over to see a plume of smoke protruding from a gaping hole in one of the walls, and he did not miss the smile Voldemort and Hortense shared.

“You two did that?” 

“No, she destroyed her yearmate's belongings all on her own.” Voldemort said proudly. 

Hortense patted the rucksack “Not before picking out the valuables so that I can extort them for them later.”

“What the fuck was that?!” James yelled, the explosion having put pause to their struggle. James was holding the elder wand up high in the air, and Harry reached out, ready to summon it from his grasp.

Then, a bolt of lightning struck the ground right in front of the boys. James and Charles were thrown back, but the elder wand remained.

“No!” Harry hissed as the light receded.

Standing there, twirling the elder wand in his fingers, was Adam. Next to him was Lute, and she was holding a badly beaten imp by the scruff of his neck.

“You!” Voldemort hissed as he put a protective hand over Hortense.

“What the fuck is going on here?” Adam said as he inspected the elder wand. “What is something like this doing in the boring ass normie world?”

A half-conscious Blitzø managed to raise his head. “Loona, honey, don't give in to their demands! No matter how much daddy begs you to!”  

Lute scoffed. “Like anyone would bargain over a little piece of shit like you.” she tossed Blitzø over to the group, and he landed in a heap in front of Loona.

“What is going on here!” Professor Birch was marching down the path, a wild look in her eyes. “There's chaos everywhere. The castle is under attack!” She noticed Voldemort, and her panick only grew as she thrust out an accusing finger. “What are you people?! You're followers of Litofor come to sow chaos, aren't you?!”

“They're worse than that, toots.” Adam waved his hand, and all of their disguises vanished. Harry was revealed in all his demonic glory, and Loona was back as a full-on hellhound.

Charles and James could have been terrified by everything going on around them, they could have been shocked as they recognized their grandfather's demonic form, but instead, they chose to ogle at Loona, letting out long whistles. “Fuck, gramps, how'd a loser like you get a piece of ass like that?”

“Hah!” Adam held his fist out to the boys, though they had to settle for an air-bump due to the distance. “Its good to know there's still some real bros left on this slimeball.”

Harry's face had darkened, his shoulders squaring up as he glared at the two angels and his grandkids. “Let go of that wand.”

Adam snorted. “This is holy property, numbnuts. Besides… its not like you can make me.”

Harry twitched, and he sent a lance of darkness flying towards Adam. 

Adam's eyes widened. He managed to sidestep at the last possible moment, and the lance flew by him. It struck the ground between Harry's grandsons, who scampered to their feet as a wave of decay began to radiate outward from the point of impact.

“Lute, hold this thing for me.” Adam tossed the elder wand at his deputy, who caught it and kicked up to the sky.

“Get away.” Harry whispered as he began to walk towards Adam. Loona was dragging Blitzø away from the imminent conflict. 

“You should run back to the castle.” Voldemort told Hortense, who shook her head fervently. “No way, this is gonna be great.”

Adam kicked off from the ground, a large, guitar shaped axe materializing in his hands. He swung the axe at Harry, who created a shield of pure darkness. The shield took on a gunky consistency as it caved in to absorb the blow, but when Adam fed just slightly more power into his attack, holy white light fizzled against the obsidian black shield and instantly shattered it. 

Harry's eyes widened in shock as he jumped back and barely dodged a swing that would have smashed his head in.

“This is a holy weapon, retard! None of your gay ass human or demon party tricks can compare to this shit!” Adam caressed the side of his axe. “This is real, top quality shit directly from the man upstairs. In other words, you're fucked, dumbass!” 

Harry commanded the broken shards of darkness and banished them towards Adam, who was too focused on insulting him and was taken by surprise.

“God fucking damn it!” One shard embedded itself on Adam's thigh, but he managed to parry and dodge the others, lifting off the ground and using his wings to fly. Adam glared down at the wound, pulling out the shard of darkness and tossing it to the ground. His wound had rapidly become necrotic, spidery webs of engorged, pulsating veins radiating out. Adam reached into his robe and pulled out a vial of holy water. He splashed it on his wound and it began to heal, the damage reversing.

“You fucking stabbed me!” Adam yelled down at Harry. “No one fucking stabs me!”

He swung his axe and an arc of holy light shot down towards him. 

“Fucking break him in half, boss!” Lute yelled down as Harry dodged Adam’s attacks. They moved around the Hogwarts grounds, Adam sending potshots at his grounded opponent. 

Harry was content to dodge for now, mostly because he was using his magic to manipulate the terrain. He was pushing his friends further and further back towards the castle, distorting their field of view so they wouldn't notice the fact that the distance between them was growing. 

Once he was satisfied that they were a good distance away, he snapped away the illusion and began his offensive.

For Loona and the others, the perspective shifted, with Harry and Adam zooming off into the distance like someone had quickly rotated the lens on a camera.

Harry took command of a cloud, turning it from fluffy white to an angry grey before throwing it at Adam.

“A cloud, dude? What's it gonna do? Get me wet?” Adam yelled before the cloud engulfed him. Harry squeezed his hand and thunder began to rumble as multiple bolts of lightning struck Adam.

Adam blitzed away from the cloud, singed and burned and looking mighty pissed. He reared his axe back, ready to swing once more, when a branch from the whomping willow grabbed onto his arm.

With a nudge from Harry, the gentle tree returned to its violent roots, and it began to violently trash against Adam, two branches holding him up while hundreds of blows thundered down on him in rapid fire succession, whiplike cracks the let of sonic booms strong enough shake the earth.

“STOP FUCKING PLAYING WITH ME!”

The ground shook and cracked as Adam thrust his hands out, and with a mighty burst of power, the whomping willow's branches were torn asunder, a giant circular chunk suddenly vanishing from its trunk.

There was an inhuman screech as the gigantic tree fell on its side. Adam shot up high in the sky and sent a massive bolt of lightning down onto the ground. Harry's eyes widened, he turned one of the felled branches from the whomping willow into a lightning rod, which managed to catch the strike but was quickly overwhelmed, warbling with power before exploding violently.

Harry was thrown back, slivers of molten metal burning the side of his face and his arms. 

Back near the castle, everyone had been forced to duck to the ground after the explosion. “I don't care who you are!” Professor Birch turned to the others. “We need to get out of here now!”

The group agreed, and after Loona shot one final worried glance in Harry's direction, they ran towards Hogsmeade, joined by the students evacuating the castle.

“James, I don't think I want to be a great wizard anymore.” Charles huffed as he sprinted besides his cousin.

Harry stomped his foot and a pillar of earth shot up from the ground, driving him skyward with it. Another lightning bolt from Adam struck the pillar and blasted it away to bits, but Harry had created another one to take its place. He hopped over to it as his first platform crumbled to bits and continued his ascent towards the heavens.

Adam kept circling upwards. He blasted away Harry's new platform but Harry had two dozen more in reserve. He jumped off the crumbling rock and onto another.

They broke through a cloud layer and onto vast, open sky. Harry thrust his arm outward, a basilisk of pure black flame bursting from his palm and rapidly ballooning up in size until it rivaled Salazar's own.

“You really think this bullshit is going to work?” Adam yelled as he dodged and weaved away from the snake as it snapped its jaws in an attempt to engulf him. Everywhere the basilisk went, it left a trail of pure darkness in the sky that dimmed but did not completely fade away.

“Let me give you a hand there, boss.” Lute yelled as she flew into view. She tackled Harry off his platform and jabbed her sword at his heart. 

For a moment, Harry thought of using his magic to push her away and avoid the strike. But then, he got a better idea.

He moved so that her holy weapon would miss his heart, but he still let it pierce his ribcage. He hissed in pain as the heavenly weapon, its power anathema to everything he now was, dug into his body. Thankfully, the strike did not immediately disintegrate his entire body, though he could feel the area around the hot steel begin to bubble and boil in very agonizing ways. He ignored the pain as grabbed Lute by the shoulders.

“Like I'm not going to run you through the ground, you demon freak!” Lute shrieked.

They were plummeting very rapidly towards the ground. But Harry was not concerned. His tail had snaked around to Lute's waist, its spaded tip wrapping around the elder wand and pulling it from her belt.

Harry felt a rush of power as he pulled the wand towards him. It was something that hadn't been there the last time he'd held it. It was like the final piece of a pizzle had been put into place and now he understood the full picture. He felt free. He felt stronger than he'd ever felt.

Harry grinned as he forcefully turned them around and kicked Lute off of him. 

The wand twitched in his grip and massive black wings sprouted from his back. Harry spread his wings wide and all movement ceased, a light purple aura outlining his form.

“The fuck?” Lute regained her bearings and flew up at him, charging sword first, aiming another strike at his heart. 

Harry reached out with the elder wand, and as Lute's arm stretched further, the tip of his wand met the tip of her sword amidst the endless blue sky.

Harry grunted but held his ground as the holy weapon collided with the elder wand. There was a crack, and for a moment Harry feared that he'd miscalculated.

Fissures began to travel down the length of Lute's sword all the way down to the guard. It shook violently, and Lute was forced to relinquish her hold on the sword just as it shattered completely, thousands of bits of holy steel suspending in air before drifting upwards and disappearing into the sky. 

“What?!” Lute screeched. “That's fucking impossible!”

Harry couldn't help but chuckle. “If I had a galleon for every time I heard that…”

She glared up at Harry but was faced with the business end of his wand. With a burst of magic, her mask was split in half, and Harry was able to see the angel's pretty face twist into a hateful snarl as she was sent plummeting down from the heavens. 

“What the fuck did you just do!” Adam yelled as he burst out from a cloud. Harry's basilisk had been worn down, its flames now a single thread of black smoke that left it looking like a kite on a string. But it had done damage to Adam, whose mask had cracked and slipped off one side, revealing a bloody lip. His holy robes looked tattered and burnt, his body bruised.

Harry twirled the elder wand. He was more than ready to take Adam on. 

“Fuck this, bro! You're using fucking hax!” Adam dipped downward and blasted off towards the ground.

Harry followed, wings curving against his sides as he let out a sonic boom on his way down to earth.

When the ground came rushing up and he slowed down, he saw that they were in Hogsmeade now.

Down in the village, people were licking their wounds. No one knew exactly what had happened, only that some sort of ‘radio demon’ had caused them all to go mad. No one had died, but almost everyone was injured, some grievously so, and half the village had been burnt down and destroyed.

Then, to top it all off, some explosions had gone off over in the castle. When the students that had stayed back in the castle had come rushing down, people freaked out upon seeing a strange werewolf out in broad daylight, along with a pale skinned, snake faced man. It didn't help to see their buddy Blitzø, the high fae from Avalon, had been beaten to a pulp.

As confusion and panic grew, something shot down from the sky and crashed smack dab in the middle of the village, forming a large crater.

Lute struggled to her feet, her body battered and bruised as she grit her teeth. She was snarling, blood running down her face. “That fucking bastard!”

She was prepared to kick off from the ground when Loona tackled her from behind, sinking her teeth into her collarbone as she clawed at her.

“Fucking bitch!” Lute screeched.

Loona didn't care, she was going to help Harry any way she could. 

“Get her honey! Avenge daddy!” Blitzø yelled before he coughed up some teeth.

“What is going on here?!” Vaggie screamed. Charlie and her had arrived, and the scene that met them left them aghast. Vaggie's eyes widened when she noticed Lute, who had managed to use her wings to throw Loona off. “You!”

“Traitor.” Lute snarled. “Of course you and your dyke girlfriend would be involded in this.”

“Where's Harry?” Charlie looked around frantically at all the chaos.

There was a sonic boom, and descending like a bat out of hell came Adam, closely followed by another, darker figure.

“HARRY!”

Both men landed with a crash. Adam in front of Lute, Harry in front of Loona.

“That's fucking it. I'm tired of this fucking bullshit. I'm calling in a heaven strike!” Adam spat as he pulled out a remote-like device and began clicking buttons.

“No!” Vaggie screamed. “You can't do that!”

“I can do whatever the fuck I want, bitch!”

The hairs on everyone's arms stood on end as the atmosphere became saturated. To their horror, the very skies opened up, a rift tearing through reality as a spiral of multi-colored lights swirled into a single point, a light brighter than the sun beginning to flicker. Power on a magnitude none of them could comprehend warbled and pulsed in anticipation.

“What the hell is that?” Harry yelled.

“That is a fucking heavenly nuke!” Adam yelled with glee. “When I call in this strike, the beam that shoots down will destroy everything within a hundred miles!”

“Can he do that?” Charlie asked Vaggie, who shook her head. “He shouldn't be able to, but he is.”

“I'm the first man, I can do whatever the fuck I want! Only Lute and I will be safe. Maybe you-” He pointed an accusing finger at Harry. “Can try and make it out alive, but I guarantee no one else here will survive.”

Harry's face paled. Adam's finger was hovering over a button, and one flex would spell doom.

“Stop.” He said in a resigned tone. “Don't do this.”

Adam cackled. “First, you're going to drop that fucking stick.”

Harry grit his teeth. “How do I know you won't harm my friends?”

“We just want that garbage back in hell where it belongs.” Lute spat. “You drop that thing, they go back to hell.”

“But you come with us.” Adam said.

“No!” Loona and Charlie screamed. Loona wrapped her arms around Harry's back, but Harry bore a determined look on his face.

“Do you swear by that?” Harry asked.

Adam was about to laugh about how he didn't have to swear to shit, but there was a dark glint in Harry's eyes, something powerful, something primal, something that compelled Adam to comply.

He cursed whatever heavenly magic this piece of shit had highjacked as he responded. “An angel's oath, you come with us, and we'll let them leave.”

Lute looked shock as everyone felt the heavenly magic bind and seal the oath. Satisfied, Harry looked back at Loona. “I'm sorry.”

The hellhound had tears falling down her face as Harry gave her a kiss before he used his magic to pry her off of him and send her towards the others, placing her next to Blitzø. Harry glanced at Charlie, a sad look falling across his face as he saw tears forming on her own face. “Charlie, thank you for everything. The time I spent with you… it was incredible. Vaggie, please, take care of her.”

Harry dropped the elder wand. Adam summoned it towards him as the wings on Harry's back were blown off by a gust of wind.

Adam clicked off the remote and the hole in the sky knitted itself shut. Adam thrust his axe towards Harry, and rings of heavenly light flew out, wrapping around his legs, hips, torso and mouth.

A portal opened up behind Adam and Lute as Harry floated over to them. Adam turned to the others with a smug look on his face. “You fuckers have an hour to leave, if you're not gone by then, I'll send you this retard's head in a box. Now come on, Lute, lets get the fuck out of here.”

And with that, the angels backed their way up into heaven with their hostage in tow, the portal flashing out of existence immediately after.

Silence reigned in the aftermath. The wizards and witches were left shell shocked, trying to comprehend what exactly had just happened.

A very satisfied looking Alastor strolled into view then, a hop in his step as he twirled his cane about. The smile fell off his face as he saw the defeated and broken looks on the faces of his companions.

“What did I miss?”

....

Next chapter, we get the return of smut as the Harry rescue arc is underway.