Hazbin Hotel Xover Ch. 3 (Patreon)

No smut this chapter, but, it'll be back next time around. Hope you guys enjoy

...

There was something about being woken up by a phone ringing that was different from being woken up by an alarm. They were both sudden noises blaring out from a phone, but the ringtone didn't carry with it the same accumulated resentment that the alarm did. 

When you had a pretty good idea of who was calling, and that person made your heart flutter, a phone call might be up there with the feeling one felt on Christmas morning.

Harry's arm reached out and grabbed his phone as he yawned. He swiped to answer as he arched his back, eyes still closed as the veil of sleep slowly slid off of him.

One more tap placed the call on speaker.

“Hi.” Came the warm voice from the other side.

Harry smiled on reflex. His sleepy eyes cracked open, a picture of Loona in a tight red dress the first thing they fell upon.

There were definitely much worse things to wake up to.

“Hey there, gorgeous.”

He could practically feel Loona swooning from the other side. “I didn't wake you up, did I?”

Harry's body decided that would be the perfect moment for him to yawn loudly. “Naaaah.” Harry arched his back once again.

Loona giggled on the other side. “I heard bones popping.”

Harry grumbled lightly as he cracked his neck. “You got me, I was taking a little nap.”

“HI DOGGIE!”

Harry almost jumped out of his skin.

He'd forgotten about Niffty, now his ear was ringing as the little imp had yelled at the top of her lungs.

There was a slight pause on the other end.

“Hey there, Niffty.”

“WHEN CAN I RIDE YOU AGAIN!?”

“Inside voice, Niffty.” Harry reminded her.

“I can come over tomorrow early. Da-Blitzø gave me the day off.” Her voice carried a hopeful tone. ”We can hang out a bit before the festival.”

Just when he thought he'd settled into hell, Harry was once again struck by how often he was still a foreigner in a strange land. Loona had said the word ‘festival’ as if it were an obvious thing, and Harry had zero clue as to what she was referring to. Instead of asking about that, though, his brain decided to go down a completely different avenue.

“Blitzø gave you a day off?” Blitzø may be a caring father, but he was also a slave-driver of a boss, and Loona had had only one day off in the past couple of weeks. That hadn't stopped the new couple from seeing each other often, Loona spent most of her time at work texting with him, and she regularly skipped out to spend time with him. But for Blitzø to actually grant a day off was very strange.

“Uhhh, yeah, its not like we'll get much business tomorrow with everyone partying. Ummm…” Harry could picture Loona twirling a strand of hair around her finger, and he wondered if he should suggest they turn this into a video call. “Do you have anything planned? Do you think you'll get summoned?”

Harry's silence on the line, mixed in with Niffty's heavy breathing, was all Loona heard.

“Harry… you do know what tomorrow is, don't you?”

“...Should I?” Harry cringed, hoping he hadn't just made a faux pas.

Loona's melodic laugh went a long way into reassuring him that whatever he was missing, it wouldn't get him in trouble.

“I keep forgetting that you're still new. Tomorrow is ‘Dia de los vivos’, its a big holiday. It's the one day a year where people in the living world try to summon their dead relatives. There's always a big party downtown.”

“Oh, wait… so people get summoned back to earth?”

“Its only for a few minutes, and they can't really do anything. It's like a seance so the families can get closure. Of course, since the relative they're summoning is in hell, things don't usually go too well, people come back real pissed off, a lot of fights break out. Its a lot of fun.”

Harry shook his head as Niffty giggled greedily at those words and even Loona laughed. His hellhound girlfriend was mostly shy, but she had a mean streak to her that only served to make her that much more attractive to Harry.

“Oh. I see how you probably don't get that much business the one day people get to interact with their loved ones back on earth.”

“Yeah, but afterwards business is booming from all the angry people hellbent on revenge. So next week will probably be busy.”

They talked on the phone for a while longer. Niffty grew bored and melded into the shadows, but Harry and Loona stayed talking to each other until they finally had to hang up, though not without ironing out their plans for the following day.

After a quick and stab-free shower, Harry left his room, where he rather quickly bumped into Charlie.

Charlie had been acting a bit strange lately, and Harry had been too caught up in his new relationship with Loona to be able to put his finger on it.

“Oh, hey there sleepy head! You're up late!”

Harry smiled at her. He was still heavily attracted to Charlie, but he could manage it a bit better now. “I've been up for a while, I was just on the phone with Loona.”

“Oh, Loona, yeah! Things are still going strong with you two? Awesome!” She gave him two overly enthusiastic thumbs up.

Harry rubbed the back of his head. “Yeah, things have been going well. I was really afraid I'd bottle it at some point.”

“Bottle it?”

“British thing.”

“Right. And ummm… Niffty isn't causing you guys any trouble, is she?”

Harry's brow furrowed, surprised that Charlie was this interested in his personal life. He chuckled as he ran a hand through his hair. “That was my biggest fear. Niffty wouldn't take no for an answer, I thought Loona would be pissed when I explained the situation to her, but she actually embraced it. She said some stuff about alphas and omegas that I didn't really understand, she says its all the rage on Sinstagram.”

Charlie bit her lip, her smile becoming that much more strained. “That's wonderful! I'm really happy for the three of you.” Her eye twitched.

“Are you alright?”

“I'm great!”

Harry blinked a few times before deciding it might be best to just change the topic altogether. 

“By the way, Loona told me there's going to be a festival tomorrow.”

That seemed to do the trick, as Charlie's eyes lit up in genuine excitement. “Oh yeah! Dia de los vivos!” Charlie's Spanish was nowhere near as good as Loona's, but it was no less endearing. “It's always so much fun, I'm always so proud that you guys have a day.”

“Whar do you mean by ‘you guys’? Like, non-royalty?”

Charlie shook her head. “No, silly, I mean non-hellborns.”

Harry's resulting silence led to a frown from her. “Wait, Harry, you've been here a few months now, no one's ever told you about this stuff?” 

“No-” Harry let out a breath as Charlie grabbed his hand with surprising strength and pulled him along the hallway. She led him down a corridor he'd rarely been down. The reason quickly became evident as Charlie opened the door to her and Vaggie's room.

Harry's eyes widened. “Wait, should I-”

“Vaggie, where are my flashcards!” 

Vaggie had been sitting at the edge of the bed, fully clothed, and she didn't seem that shocked upon seeing Charlie drag Harry into the room.

“Hey Harry.” She greeted him as Charlie deposited him onto the bed before moving on to search for her flashcards.

“Morning, Vaggie.” He smiled back.

The two of them had become far more amicable since the Charlie rescue mission. Harry would even go so far as to say they were good friends now.

“What crusade did you get Charlie started on now?”

“Ha, ha, very funny, babe.” Charlie deadpanned as she came back carrying a small stack of flashcards.

“Alright, so, in hell, about sixty percent of the population are earthborn sinners, people who came here after previously having died on earth.” She held up a fashcard with some crude drawings of a stick figure with its eyes crossed out and the same stick figure with horns and a tail. “But forty percent of us -myself included - are hellborn. We were conceived here in hell and have no connection to anyone on earth.”

That made sense of a lot of things, especially all the children Harry had been seeing around hell. “How exactly do you tell who's hellborn and who's not?”

“There's no real way of doing it. Usually, imps are all hellborn, but that's not a sure thing.” Vaggie said.

“That was my next flashcard!” Charlie said as she rifled through her stack.

Harry felt that the flashcards were a bit unnecessary, but smartly chose to keep that to himself as he allowed Charlie to continue on with her explanation.

…

“DOGGY!” 

Loona showed a surprising amount of patience and restraint as Niffty clung to her arms like a child as everyone walked through the streets of hell. As far as the eye could see people were partying and getting fucked up, even more than usual.

Harry took it all in. Really, it looked like any other festival he'd ever been to during his life. Big crowds of rowdy, drunken people and music blaring from every corner.

He had to cup his hands over his mouth to hope to be heard. “Where's the seanse part?” 

Angel Dust was the one who heard him. “We're coming up on that. But that's the boring part. This-” He stopped in front of a table on the sidewalk selling a variety of illicit drugs. “This is the real spirit of the holiday, baby!”

“That's… not completely accurate!” Charlie winced as Angel Dust shoved several large bills in the vendor's face.

“Don't worry, I'll make sure he behaves.” Husk assured Charlie.

“I cannot fathom why one wouldn't look forward to the summonings.” Alastor crooned.

Harry, along with everyone else, had been surprised when Alastor had been the first one waiting by the door when they'd gone out for the festival.

“I'm surprised you're so excited for this, Alastor.” Vaggie eyed him suspiciously.

Alastor grinned like a cheshire cat as he twirled his old-timey microphone like a cane. “It is quite a busy time of year for me, my dear. I left quite the impression when I was alive. Isn't that right, Niffty?”

Niffty giggled evilly from her perch on Loona's arms. “Oh yes you did!”

“To this day, people in the living world still try to summon the great radio demon. I, of course, do my best to oblige.”

“Wow, that's really something.” Charlie said. “Usually once someone's been dead for a while they stop getting summoned.”

“I was never summoned. Even right after I died.” Sir Pentious said with a hint of confusion in his voice.

“What does that tell you, snake boy?” Angel Dust asked sarcastically.

The crowds grew denser as the group drew closer and closer to the heart of downtown. 

They finally stopped as they came up on a plaza that was cordoned off by railings. At its center were dozens upon dozens of chalk pentagrams. There was one entrypoint, guarded by security and being hovered over by a tall figure with a tv screen for a head.

Angel Dust cursed. “Oh fuck, the vees are running it again this year?” 

Husk scoffed. “What else did you expect?”

“Can't keep away from the spotlight, can you, Potter?” An ice cold voice hissed sarcastically.

Loona's face instantly morphed as her features sharpened and she let out a hostile growl. Niffty's eye turned bloodshot red as she brandished a knife towards the newcomer.

Harry rolled his eyes and let out a chuckle. “Hey there, Voldie.”

Voldemort raised his hands up defensively as Loona and Niffty looked ready to rip him apart.

“Its alright, girls, its just banter.”

“You two are friends?” Loona asked.

“The best. We knew each other when we were alive.” Voldemort assured them.

Harry quirked an eyebrow, and Voldemort's pleading look just barely managed to stop him from detailing just how the two of them knew each other.

“Voldemort, its nice to see you again!” Charlie waved at him.

“You know Harry?” Sir Pentious’ hood perked up, taking in all of Voldemort's features. “A-Are you…?”

Voldemort noticed Sir Pentious for the first time. “A king cobra, how magnificent. You know, I've always had an affinity for snakes.”

Pentious’ eyes lit up with joy. “Harry! You never said we had another serpentine brother!” 

He wrapped an arm around Harry's neck and reached out to hug Voldemort close to him, who readily accepted his embrace.

“I must have forgotten.” Harry said as Pentious hissed with glee. “You coming to watch the festival?” He asked Voldemort.

“I'm going to participate, Potter. Every year without fail, a few upstart dark lords try to summon me for advice.”

“You… are also in the business of villainy?” Sir Pentius asked.

“Retired.” Voldemort responded.

“Oh joy!” Sir Pentious squeezed them both tighter, “We need to get shirts made, all three of us!”

Harry managed to slip out of Pentious’ grip and inch his way over to Loona. 

“Oh! That's a great idea Sir Pentious! We should all get shirts made for the hotel.” Charlie snapped her fingers.

Everyone went off on a tangent about possible shirt designs while Harry just vibed along and enjoyed the spectacle. All things considered, he might as well have been at the quidditch world cup.

Then a hush fell over the crowd as Vox began to speak. The leader of the Vees scanned over the crowd, and Harry saw his right eye twitch uncontrollably when he spotted Alastor, who responded with a toothy grin and a wave of his fingers.

“My dear people, once again, we at Voxtech are proud to sponsor this annual cash grab. Keep throwing your well earned money at our vendors, and I'm sure your worthless lives will be better tomorrow.”

The crowd cheered as Vox continued on with his self-serving speech, more aimed at promoting new products than anything to do with the holiday itself.

“You know, I haven't thought of it before, but I don't remember a holiday like this back on earth.” Harry whispered. “Like, we didn't have a day where we tried to summon the dead.” 

“Time works a bit weird between the realms.” Vaggie explained. “On this side, this is all condensed to a single day, but on earth, these summonings are all happening at different points of the year.”

“Huh.” Harry wrapped his mind around the warped time between planes of existence. “And it works the same way in heaven?”

Vaggie shook her head. “Heaven doesn't do this, its a closed shop. Once a soul is sent there, it doesn't leave.”

Harry thought about the Resurrection Stone summoning shades of his parents, and he wondered if that jived with what Vaggie had said. He didn't have much time to ponder about it, as after some ear-splitting fireworks, the plaza was opened, and people began to pour in.

“How exactly does this work?” Harry asked as he saw people hopping into the summoning circles, only to just as quickly hop out.

“It is quite simple, my good friend.” Alastor said in a helpful, but still unsettling, tone. “One must simply step into an empty circle, and if anyone has summoned them, they will be transported immediately. Of course, some of us have a few more stops to make than others.” He swept an imp's legs out from under them with his cane before stepping over him and offering the group one final smile.

Alastor stepped into the circle, tapped his cane on the floor and lifted his chin up imperiously.

Harry waited for him to be swept away in a swirl of light like he'd already observed happen to multiple people. Excent, nothing happened, and Alastor's confident smile quickly dropped into a nasty frown as he tapped his cane once more.

“Hah! Make room, you obsolete piece of garbage! No one gives a fuck about you, dead or alive!” Vox yelled at Alastor, who's face curled into a snarl as he stepped out of the circle. “How displeasing.” 

“Might as well give it a go while no one's in there, Harry.” Angel Dust pushed him into the circle, and instantly, Harry's body began to swirl as he was lifted off the ground.

The sensation was similar to floo travel. And Harry braced himself as he began to drop almost as suddenly as he'd risen. The light around him faded away, and his sight was forced to adjust to the dark room he now found himself in.

His body felt light. Not just light, it felt insubstantial. He looked down at himself and saw that he was transparent, like a ghost, and though he could not see his face, his bodily features looked decidedly human.

“Hah! I told you it'd work, James!”

“Fuck off! You were shitting your pants thinking we'd summon a demon.”

Those voices sounded vaguely familiar to Harry. His surroundings did too.

“Its weird not seeing you look like an old geezer.”

It all snapped into place. He was in the basement of his old home, the same house he and Ginny had raised their children in. A house that he had passed down to Lily, who had passed it down to her own children.

He took in the two teenage boys standing in front of him. One had blonde hair and brown eyes, and the other had messy ginger hair and emerald green eyes.

It took him a moment, but it finally clicked.

“James, Charles!” These were his great-great-grandchildren. Two of them, anyways.

“You remember our names? I guess your brain isn’t fried anymore.” Charles said as James laughed.

Harry frowned. If he didn't know any better, he'd think his grandchildren were being a pair of unlikable assholes.

“Boys… what is going on here?”

“We only have a few minutes, we should get to the point.” Charles told James, who nodded.

“We're looking for the elder wand, old man, and you're going to tell us where it is.” 

Harry blanched. “What?! Listen here, I buri- I mean, why in the hell would you two be looking for that thing?”

“Because its a super powerful wand, numbnuts, why else? We wanna have it so we can do whatever we want.” Charles said.

Harry shook his head. “It's not that simple… what has happened to you boys? I don't remember you being like this. You were both so kind, so well-mannered…”

The two teens snorted. “Please, your mind was gone before we were even pre-teens.” James said.

“Besides, we always hated visiting your place. Those stupid hard candies and bland flavored Bertie Botts were the worst.”

Harry gasped in indignation. “I took out the nasty flavours for you!”

The boys rolled their eyes. “Whatever. Are you going to tell us where you buried the wand or not, old man?”

“I'm not going to tell yo- what makes you think that I buried it?!” 

“You told us a minute ago.” James said. “Now come on, you have to do our bidding.”

“I don't have to do shit.” Harry said. He raked his mind, recalling James’ mother's name. “Agatha! Agatha! Your son is being a right tit!” He yelled up at the stairs.

James clicked his tongue. “You seriously thought we wouldn't take precautions? Whatever, we know you buried it, and you were never the smartest so I'm sure you buried it somewhere obvious. We got what we needed.”

Harry balled his fists up, ready to curse the boy's very existence, when he found himself being sucked down onto the floor, everything going black.

…

Blitzø slurped down his iced coffee as he tapped away at his phone. He'd just finished double parking by the office like usual, and he noticed that Moxxie and Millie's car was missing, meaning this would be a rare occasion where he would be first to show up at work.

Loona hadn't come home last night, and if Stolas hadn't left Blitzø so indisposed, he would have stormed his way over to that hotel and brought his baby girl home, princess be damned.

Well, maybe he would have just gone there and gotten drunk off his ass before crashing on the first piece of furniture he found. Who knew?

Loona had sent him a good night text that at least told him she was safe. Once he settled into his office and his throbbing headache let up a little bit, he'd start calling her.

The door to the office wasn't locked, and as he threw the door open, he was shocked to find more people inside than they'd had in the past month put together.

“Is this another intervention?” he groaned, searching for Moxxie among those gathered there.

He didn't find Moxxie, but he did see Loona and Harry, along with the princess, her girlfriend, some creepy red guy with a monocle and some snake-faced guy wearing a t-shirt.

“Wait a minute.” His eyes narrowed suspiciously before he gasped. “Oh no! Loona, my poor baby, you're pregnant!”

Loona glared at her father as Harry blanched.

“Blitzø-”

“I knew we should have gone through sex-ed a few more times-”

“Blitzo.”

“How big is the litter? Oh god, this is definitely going to have to be a C-Section, isn't it? You know those scars-”

Blitzo was stopped short as an irate Loona reached out and grabbed onto his neck, choking the life out of him with surprising strength as she bared her teeth.

“Erm, she isn't pregnant.” Harry said nervously.

“Not yet, anyways.” Voldemort said with a snort.

Charlie shot him a warning look that made the smile fall off the former dark lord's face.

Harry managed to coax Loona to let go of her father as he looked down at him. “We actually wanted to retain your services.”

“Retain my serv… you want to go down to earth and fuck with someone?”

“I mean, not in that way. I just have some great-grandchildren that are about to do, or already have done, something very stupid, and I need to fix it.”

“Did he tell you he's a grandpa?” Blitzø asked Loona before shaking his head. “Whatever, alright. So you want to go up there. What are the rest of you doing here?”

“I also require your services, my dear friend.” Alastor said smoothly.

“Me too.” Voldemort added.

“And we would like to go too.” Charlie tacked on for her and Vaggie.

“I don't do group discounts, you know, you'll all have to pay individually.” 

Charlie opened her mouth to say that she would happily pay for all of them when Blitzø waved his hands around fervently. “Alright, alright! You saw through my bluff, I'll do a little groupon for you guys.”

“Marvelous, young man.” Alastor said. “Now can we please get a move on?”

Blitzø considered waiting for Mox and Millie, but the red guy seemed both impatient and scary, and he figured Loona would want to come along, seeing as her geriatric boyfriend was going.

“Sure, alright. Where exactly are we going?”

“Magical Britain.”

…

Out of all the different modes of transportation Harry had been subjected to so far, stepping out onto an empty field via a portal was the most comfortable by far.

“Alright, everyone's human disguise staying on?” 

Harry frowned. He snapped his fingers and conjured a mirror.

He was him. The old him. Messy hair, green eyes, no horns nor tail. He was just regular old mid-twenties Harry.

He glanced to his side to see Loona blushing down at the floor. She was human now as well, though her eyes were still red. Her long shock of silver hair had darkened slightly, and she was sporting a side-shave. Her daisy dukes and crop top combo exposed miles of creamy white skin.

“I… I hope I don't look too bad.” 

Harry shook his head. “You look amazing. I hope I don't look too dorky.”

Loona giggled. “You look cute, in a dorky way.” 

The two laughed as Blitzø rolled his eyes. “Jesus, I think my arteries are gonna clog.”

“This is upsetting.” Voldemort said as he looked at himself. He was Tom Riddle again, before he'd undergone all the transformations. His hand twitched a few times and his frown deepened. “Why can Potter use magic and I can't?”

Blitzø shrugged. “Fucked if I know.”

“Its probably for the best.” Harry said. “Don't want you relapsing.” 

“How am I supposed to execute my plan?” Voldemort growled.

“We'll help you.” Loona offered.

“What exactly is your plan, anyways?” Harry asked.

“Its personal, Potter. Its nothing dangerous, if you're so worried.”

Alastor had summoned Harry's mirror to himself and was adjusting his bowtie as he inspected his reflection. The human version of him had wavy brown hair and glasses, and Harry had the thought that he resembled both Tom and himself a little too closely.

“Well, I have some business to attend to. I'll be back in a jiff.” He snapped his fingers and vanished.

“Wait, he gets to keep his magic? And that's not dangerous?” Voldemort yelled.

“Woah there, I don't make the rules, I just use the book.” said Blitzø, who had chosen to remain an imp.

“What about you guys, what did you come down here for?” Harry asked Charlie and Vaggie.

Charlie looked the least changed, with her facial features just turning human and her white skin tanning just slightly. Vaggie's hair had gone inky black, and her skin was a light brown. 

“I'm not really sure, this was Vaggie's idea.” Charlie said as she looked into the mirror Alastor had left floating. “Oh gosh, I'm not sure if I like this.”

“Let me save you some awkward conversations. You all look hideous, that's why you don't see me putting on a skin suit.” Blitzø said as he lit up a cigarette. “Anyways, you said you wanted to do shit yourselves, so go right ahead, I'll go find a bar I can daydrink at.”

“The Three Broomsticks has great two for one specials. Just tell them you're a Bulgarian goblin or something.” Harry said.

Blitzø gave Harry a sidelong glance. “Loona, this one might be a keeper.”

“We'll catch up with you guys later.” Vaggie said as she gave Harry a nod before she dragged Charlie away, leaving Harry, Loona and Voldemort behind.

“Were you two brothers when you were alive?” Loona asked as she took in the similarities between Harry and Voldemort.

The old mortal enemies shared a weary glance. “We got that a lot.” Harry said. “Now come on, I need to go set my family straight, then we can go help you with your thing,”

Voldemort gave a mock bow. “I am but a helpless muggle in your hands, Potter.”

Harry grabbed Loona's hand and held his free one out to Voldemort. “Come on, I'll apparate us to Hogsmeade. We have to go find Dumbledore's grave.”

Voldemort grumbled as he barely grabbed onto Harry's wrist. A twist and a pop later, and they found themselves on a cobblestone path leading up to a familiar castle.

“What was that?” Loona hunched over, holding her stomach.

“Sorry, hadn't done that in a while, forgot how queasy it can get.” Harry said as his own stomach twisted up in knots.

Voldemort stared up at Hogwarts in the distance, letting out a deep sigh. “It truly was another life.”

“What is this place?” Loona asked.

“It's where I went to school.” Harry said as they began to walk up the path.

Loona perked up at that, smiling teasingly at him. “Anyone you know still there?”

Harry shook his head. “One of my grandkids was teaching Herbology, but that was twenty years before I died.”

As they approached the castle gates, they were met with a stream of students and carriages walking out. 

“Hogsmeade weekend.” Voldemort said as students gave them odd looks. Many sent him and Harry appreciative looks, while others openly ogled at Loona, much to Harry's irritation.

“And who might you three be?”

A pair of professors, one an older man and the other a young woman in her twenties. Harry tried to place either of their features with someone he knew from his time, and he couldn't.

“Err.. I'm here to see about my son's grades.”

The old man with greyish brown hair quirked an eyebrow. “Who's your son?”

The woman looked even less convinced. “And you stroll up to the castle without even sending an owl? On a Hogsmeade weekend of all times?”

Harry began to sweat as he raked his brain trying to figure out a way to talk his way out of this.

Voldemort sighed, “Always have to make a joke of it, don't you, Preston? My apologies, we are actually on holiday from South Africa, our portkey leaves this afternoon and we really wanted a tour of the famous Hogwarts castle.”

The professors shared a glance as Voldemort exuded confidence and calmness. 

“We can do that. You'll need to be escorted, of course, and hand over your wands.”

Voldemort gave Harry a pointed look. Harry blinked in realization as three ‘wands’ materialized in each of their back pockets.

“Here you go.” Loona said as they handed the sticks over to them. 

“Alright, Humphrey, you ok by yourself?” The female professor asked her older counterpart.

Humphrey nodded. “Its winding down anyways, I might head off to the pub and have a few pints.”

Voldemort shot Harry a smug look. “Some things cannot be taught.”

Harry rolled his eyes as the three of them followed behind the woman who introduced herself as Professor Birch.

“This place would be a great spot for a rave.” Loona commented as she took in the castle's turrets and courtyards.

Voldemort quirked an eyebrow. “That is a brilliant idea.”

Harry, meanwhile, was trying his best to see if he could spot Dumbledore's grave from a distance. He just hoped they weren't too late, and the elder wand hadn't already fallen into the wrong hands.

…

In the heart of London, nestled in between towering office buildings, was a small little brick cottage with a nailed on wooden sign. The sign was hand-painted in pink and yellow, and it read:

L. Lovegood: Palm Readings, Tantric Massage, Nargle Removal, Couple's Therapy.

Charlie frowned. “Vaggie, what is going on?”

Vaggie grabbed onto Charlie's hand and gave it a squeeze. “Charlie, I've been doing a lot of thinking, and I know I'm not the best at talking through emotional stuff, and you might shut down before we get anywhere, so I figured it would be best for us to have a professional mediating the situation. Looking for a therapist in hell is a dumb idea for many reasons, so I found one for us up here.”

“What? Ba- what do you mean?”

Vaggie smiled reassuringly. “I love you, Charlie, we'll be fine, come on.”

Charlie swallowed the lump in her throat before nodding hesitantly. “A-alright, I guess we can give it a shot. How did you hear about this place anyways?”

“I asked Harry. He said a friend of his had a practice up and running before he died and I figured there was a chance it was still going.”

The moment they entered through the door, they were assaulted by the smell of burning insense and strange music.

“Come in, come in.” An airy, elderly voice welcomed them into the office, which resembled a zen garden more than a therapist's office.

From behind kaleidoscopic beaded curtains emerged a lady with a flowing head of pure white hair. She floated more than walked towards them, and though her face was filled with the lines of old age, she actually looked quite young, almost ageless.

“Sorry, I know we didn't make an appointment.” Vaggie said, hoping that the lady would see them if she mentioned Harry.

She raised a hand up as she fixed her light blue eyes on them, “I don't set appointments. The heliopaths guide them to me when the time comes.”

Vaggie and Charlie shared confused glances as the old lady took a seat on a wicker basket. “Please, have a seat.” She gestured towards a pair of plushies shaped like strange creatures that even hell had not seen.

Charlie and Vaggie plopped down and immediately sank onto the seats. 

“My name is Luna Lovegood-Scarmander. You're here for the tantric massage, aren't you?” 

“...No. we're here for the couple's therapy.”

Vaggie said.

Luna's face fell slightly. “Oh, that was my fifth guess. Oh well, let me just put away my tools.” 

She produced a wand and waved it over a little cart they hadn't noticed before, filled with oils, feather dusters and other assorted things. The cart wheeled itself off through the beaded curtain.

“Erm, sorry for asking this, but, are you a licensed therapist?” Charlie asked nervously.

Luna did not seem offended at all. “Of course I am. I was licensed in the amazonian jungle by a wandering spirit.”

“Oh… well, that's perfectly fine then.”

Luna steepled her fingers. “Now then, what seems to be the issue?”

Charlie looked at Vaggie, who took in a deep breath before looking back at her girlfriend. “You like Harry.”

“W-what? No! H-how… that's ridiculous, Vaggie. I love you!”

“I know you love me, babe, but I think you're falling for him.”

Luna cleared her throat. “Just to be clear, is this Harry my old deceased friend Harry Potter?”

Charlie and Vaggie were left shellshocked. “I-It is.”

“I see, the classic bisexual-ghost love triangle. I get them all the time.” Luna smiled as the two women grew increasingly befuddled. “Lets dive in, shall we?”

…

“Hey, boss, wait to you hear about how I fucked with the new recruit this time!”

“Jesus H. Christ, Lute! Learn to fucking knock!”

“The fuck! Why are you jacking it at work?”

Lute shielded her eyes out of reflex as she entered Adam's office, though she quickly noticed that the first man was still fully dressed behind his desk.

“I was about to until you ruined it, you bitch.” Adam folded his arms together in frustration as Lute stepped forward and glanced at Adam's computer. Heaven's firewall did not allow anything profane to filter through, but it was easy enough to sidestep with a VPN.

Adam wasn't watching anything too outrageous. On his screen was a birds eye view of some spring breakers frolicking on a beach somewhere on earth.

“Is this live? Are you creeping on the humans?” 

Adam glared at her. “So what if I am?” 

Lute snorted. She lunged forward and before Adam could stop her, the all-seeing-eye zoomed off from the scantily clad women and became a blur as it spun around the earth.

“Hey! What the fuck, Lute?! Its going to be fucking impossible to get back to that!” Adam yelled as he put his lieutenant in a headlock.

As Adam and Lute wrestled, Adam's monitor finally stopped spinning, settling in on a particular pub in the Scottish highlands.

“Sir! Sir! Hold on!”

“Say uncle first!”

Lute growled in anger as she bit down on Adam's arm. Adam yelped in pain and released her, leaving her free to point at the screen.

Right there, amidst a bunch of regular magical humans, a hellborn imp was getting outrageously sloshed.

“Oh yeah, down in hell we have way better shit than this cleaning detergent you call booze!” The imp loudly proclaimed as he took a big swill from a bottle before burping.

“I thought you said you were a high fae from Avalon?” One of the patrons said.

The imp snorted. “For Christ sake, you people are so gullible, its not even fun to fuck with you.”

Adam slammed his fist down on his desk. “What the fuck is one of those things doing on earth?!”

“I don't know, but the big guy will be pissed if he finds out we knew about it and didn't do anything.” Lute pointed out.

Adam clenched his fist. “I think its time we paid earth a little visit.”