Big Daddy Dispatch: July 2022 (Patreon)

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Dispatch Sixty Seven, July 1st, 2022



Greetings WHM Family!

We are KNEE DEEP in the Summer Blockbuster Extravaganza, folks and it's flamin' up good—and there are even bigger titles coming this month! Can you imagine? Also what did you think of that Obi-Wan Kenobi we watched this month? Did you like it as much as we did? We talked up a blue streak about it on the Top Tier, so it might be worth your time to check that out if you're not up there already. Add that whole recap show, some insane Mountain Dew wine tangents on Once In a Lifetime, and the surprising end of Keith Gray AND Emily Valentine and we dare might say this was the best month of the new $10 tier we've put out, and there's so much more to come!

That didn't slow down the hardest working podcast in the business from putting out some crazy fun stuff on the Main Feed including: The VHS Trailer Game, and "The VHS Preview Game" A Horrific, Insulting Farce That Didn't Count But Masqueraded As The VHS Trailer Game That Steve Is Still Mad About, some inappropriate Doug impressions, and an intimate look at the married life of Scarlett Johansson and Colin Jost! All this while America sinks to newer and more profoundly disturbing depths! Stick around, pals, we're all we've got in this fucked up nightmare world. 


Banner Credit: We Hate Movies The Big Daddy Dispatch by Felipe Sobreiro

Image Credit:  Mingo by @Damon_7 via Twitter

LAST MONTH ON WHM

Episode 614 – Jurassic Park (PATRONS ONLY)



For this month’s WLM, Andrew, Chris, and Steve unbutton their top buttons and take firm grasp of their butts as they venture into Steven Spielberg’s dinosaur amusement parks for rich people who want to tease death. Is this the best Spielberg movie? How strained is Grant and Ellie’s relationship? Was the DinoNugs corporation involved in this at all? Eric will return after looking after our hatchlings at WHM Park, where we breed Gary Buseys, Jim Belushis, and other spent character actors of the 80s and 90s.

Episode 615 – City Slickers

With Eric back from his duties at Top Pod and WHM Park, the boys head out into the west to almost get killed by cowhands and find a reason to live with Billy Crystal, Bruno Kirby, and the GOAT, Daniel Stern. Why does this movie start like a depressing New Hollywood marital drama? Why do the only two black characters have to leave halfway through? How has any of this made you think about your children, Billy Crystal? Plus, the return of the (real) VHS trailer game!

Episode 616 – The Expendables



As the Jamemaster takes his yearly sojourn to The Corrupt Leaders Conference in Davos, Switzerland, Andrew, Eric, and Chris band together with Sly, Arnold, Bruce, and one dead Hemsworth to save the world one more time. Is it really that surprising that JCVD is schooling everyone in this one? What is with the facial hair, Sly? You lose a bet, brother? Honestly, needs more beefcakes.

Episode 617 – Cats & Dogs

In which a CGI-heavy family film about a war between cats and dogs, directed by the man behind Son of the Mask, nearly drives Eric to eject from life. Where the fuck did the groundswell for this movie come from? What in god’s name is Jeff Goldblum doing here and what is that under his mouth? Does Tobey Maguire send personal thank-you notes to Sam Raimi every month for getting him out of this career trajectory? If not, he should.

Episode 618 – Despicable Me



The gang once again heads into the world of modern blockbuster animation, this time to fight off an attack by tiny yellow butt-plugs and their Burton-esque child-wanter-in-charge. The fuck is Gru’s deal? Seriously! What about these disgusting jabbering little freaks makes people love them so much? Was it illegal to build this world out more or would that have taken away from the weird adoption storyline? Please, I beg you, don’t answer.

WHAT ARE WE WATCHING?

This is a space for us to talk about some NON-We Hate Movies related content that we've shoved into our eyeballs in the last month: TV, Movies, Cartoons, and Sports (maybe?). Just about anything that isn't pornography.

Andrew: This month I made a decent dent in Movie Mountain, the massive pile of discs that I’ve purchased over the pandy and haven’t yet watched. You can catch up on my ultra-nerdy cataloging of those disc watches over on my new website where I’ve been trying to do more writing lately, now that I’ve got a little more time on my hands. Disc watches are only part of the party. But let’s see, some of the highlights from this month:

George A. Romero’s Dawn of the Dead (1978, Dario Argento Cut): Dawn is one of my all-time faves and I finally got around to checking out the Argento Cut—basically the same run time, removes some of the “getting to know humans” elements in favor of more action/gore. The music in this version is Goblin throughout and honestly? That’s a big check in the Pros column for seeking this cut out. It had been a minute since I revisited this one and I mean, if you haven’t seen it, move this to the top of your own lists ASAP! 

Thomas D. Adelman & Stephanie Bennett’s A Reggae Session (1988): I caught this short, but fabulous concert film on the Criterion Channel a few weeks ago and was totally mesmerized for all 59 minutes. The film, which captures parts of a concert held in the late 80s in Fort Charles, Jamaica, features beautifully photographed performances from total legends like Bunny Wailer, Ziggy Marley, Toots Hibbert, Grace Jones, and Jimmy Cliff. Friends like Chrissie Hynde and Carlos Santana even show up. If it’s still streaming there and you dig the music, it’s well worth your time. I mean, how does one not love reggae, the most beautiful of all music? 

Michael Roemer’s Vengeance Is Mine (1984):  I caught the new 35mm print of this that was running at Film Forum up until recently. Roemer didn’t make a ton of movies and this was only the second one I’d seen after the incredible Nothing But a Man, but this is a total recommend as well. It features two stunning performances from Brooke Adams and Trish Van Devere and plays like an incredibly tense psychological thriller at parts and frankly, I was knocked on my ass by it. I’m not sure how wide the print is going to travel (the film was more or less unseen since ’84 when it lost a theatrical opening in favor of a measly run on PBS’s American Playhouse under the original title “Haunted"), but I hope some other theaters across the country get a chance to book it, and hell, a disc release would be nice!  

Charles Chaplin’s Limelight (1952): Well, this one sure is heartbreaking. Chaplin, at his most vulnerable and pathetic, plays a washed up stage comedian who befriends a ballerina after saving her from an attempted suicide. The two grow close and soon, Chaplin’s Calvero is assisting Terry (the dancer, played by Claire Bloom, Clash of the Titans '81) with her own career, getting her excited to go back on the stage and dance once again. She soon blows up into the Prima Ballerina of the company and attempts to then repay Calvero’s career assistance with some of her own back toward his. The film also features the only time Chaplin shared the screen (for any real length of time) with another silent comedy contemporary, the great Buster Keaton. The two of them together in the final dialogue-free bit at the end is like Heat for silent film nerds like myself. Hot damn was it cool. But the film is also a cautionary tale for those like us WHM boys, folks out there who are always chasing the next laugh, never able to let go of the high that comes with making rooms of people chuckle with things you say and do on stage. The curtain closes on us all some day, and soon after, the Reaper is rearing his ugly head. 

Chris: The two best movies I’ve seen thus far this year are Terence Davies’ Benediction and David Cronenberg’s Crimes of the Future. They may very well be out of theaters by the time that you read this but if they are not, I urge you to go see them. I know almost nothing about the poet Siegfried Sassoon, whose life as a soldier, artist, and gay man is the focus of Benediction, so I cannot speak much to the veracity of the content. What I can say is that, not unlike Michael Almerayda’s magnificent Tesla, Davies has reached a level of artistry that allows him to invoke deep political and personal morals with room to breathe that does not undersell the gripping, rocky romance and violence of his life, in the form of a biopic no less. To be clear, Davies already did this once with A Quiet Passion, one of the best films of the 2010s. The fact that he has made a movie nearly as good as that one should only go to reinforce his rightful stature as one of the greatest filmmakers England has ever produced.

As for Crimes of the Future, I am tempted to take this to substack or something. As the title, which is shared with Cronenberg’s first feature-length film, suggests, the latest from Canada’s greatest feels like a full summation of all his thematic preoccupations and visual strategies/obsessions up to this point, bringing the star of his more grounded works – A History of Violence, Eastern Promises, A Dangerous Method – into one of his most alienating and elusive science fiction set-ups to date. Like I said, if I start writing about this, I’ll be here for a few dozen paragraphs, but what’s most striking is how weirdly warm Crimes of the Future is. Maybe I will write more about it soon, but I really would prefer everyone just go see it in a theater if they can.


Eric: It's summer and that means more than ever, it's time for action movies. I finally caught not only RRR but Once Upon a Time In China (1991) and they both live up to the hype, folks. Check those out. But that ain't all, you know I tend to go for trash action over the aforementioned good action. So here's a round up of that:

Ninja starring Scott Adkins. Not good! CG skylines and a bizarrely fake New York get in the way of all its various spills and thrills.

Ninja II starring Scott Adkins? One of the best motion pictures ever put to film.

The Debt Collector starring Scott Adkins? Dismal at best!

Universal Soldier: The Return (1999) not even Nü Metal and Bill Goldberg (goddamn he sucks in this) can save this latter day JCVD effort. Going to try to keep going on Universal Soldier to get to the “good ones.” That said, I did love the original Universal Soldier back when I rewatched it in like 2020.

Three action movies did stand out more than others this month:

The Taking of Beverly Hills (1991) and Mercenaries from Hong Kong (1982) and U.S. Seals II: The Ultimate Force (2001) U.S. Seals II in particular looks super low budget and the constant “swoosh” sound effects they pepper in will surely keep you amused until they, well, cut someone in half. The movie is insane. Shout out and thanks to Justin Decloux from the Important Cinema Club podcast for introducing me to the last two on this list through his 24 Hour “Mind Melter” Movie Marathon that happened on Twitch the other week.

Steve: After a brief, but sorely needed vacation at the beginning of the month that caused me to miss stuff in theaters I was really looking forward to like Top Gun: Maverick and Alex Garland's Men, I've been trying to catch up as best I can. Here's some stuff...

Crimes of the Future: A mature return to form from the master of disturbing body horror. I saw this film a few weeks ago and I honestly can't stop thinking about it. It's an appropriately apocalyptic rumination on the evolution of art, sex, bodies, and governmental control that manages to bring more heart to the table than one might expect from a certainly disturbing movie. Also? I'm just so glad Viggo got to do a gross one with Davey for once. 

The Black Phone: This one was OK! It certainly felt fun to watch a mid-tier thriller in a multiplex on a hot afternoon. There's ups and downs and Hawke is having a blast as the nightmarish Grabber, the kids were very good in this, but lord knows what Jeremy Davies is doing in this film. Yowza. One thing is for sure, Joe Hill certainly is aware of his father's work. If you want to see little kids beat the everloving snot out of one another, this is the film for you (it was for me)!

The Gift (2015): This is one of those movies that came out and everybody really enjoyed that has been on my 'to do list' since then. And then, of course, I almost watched it 200 times in the intervening years as I endlessly scroll for a movie to watch. However, this was the month I finally did it! I gotta say, it kind of threw me for a loop. I'm not going to reveal all the twists and turns in this one, but I wanted to pump it up in case you were in the same boat as me, give it a watch. It's the best Jason Bateman's ever been in a movie and Joel Edgerton is just all kinds of unsettling.

PATREON MAILBAG LIGHTNING ROUND

Steve:  Oh, my colleagues have some really good answers, so here's mine: It's takes place in the CCU (Coens Cinematic Universe) wherein No Country for Old Men's Anton Chigurh (Javier Bardem) goes head to head with Blood Simple's Loren Visser (M. Emmet Walsh) in a no-holds-barred matchup set in a sleepy Arizona town. Maybe the set up is Fargo's Jerry Lundergaard has escaped prosecution and both men have been hired by various parties to hunt him down. Shit, this sounds amazing, actually.Here's a fun space where folks on Patreon get to ask us Questions directly. This month's entry comes from 

Steve from Delaware who asks: 


"We have had Cats v Dogs, Alien v Predator and common decency v Trump...Which pair of foes would you love to see go head to head on the big screen?"

Andrew: Well you know, Steve in Delaware, if you asked me this pre-2003, my answer would’ve been Freddy Krueger and Jason Voorhees battling toe-to-toe. Now, unfortunately, that’s been handed down to us—wow, 20th anniversary next year! But, so, hmm, a non-Freddy and Jason battle, huh? You know, we’ll never get it now, since all of the key players have been dead for the last half century or longer, but I would’ve loved to have seen a battle film between the Marx Brothers and the Three Stooges. Just a massive pie fight that ends with Groucho holding Curly’s head in his hand and then when he gets right close to the camera, Curly’s head opens its eyes and goes, “Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck!” Hey, why not? 

Chris: We could get Kissinger and death into a Mr. and Mrs. Smith situation! I kid. The movie they obviously should have done is James Bond vs. John McClane. James’ past as an MI6 cleaner and foreign-policy facilitator brings him to the UN, where there is an attack, which brings Johnny Boy in, who himself finds out that many of his own in the NYPD are in on the attack. Crucially, this must be the Brosnan bond, not the Craig bond. Craig is fantastic but he does not go big with the lines, and you need someone big to go up against a 90s/early aughts Willis. Brosnan can handle that heat and would have probably savored the work, and you would really need the oomph of 90s action to really sell the feud/partnership. At least one big fist fight between the boys, a foot and car chase too. I’m not too demanding.

Eric: We've had Jason vs Freddy, we've had Godzilla vs Kong. What is next? How about we just become a completely fucking stupid society and allow Fast and the Furious vs Mission: Impossible? Let's say, Tom needs to get X device to save Y country from being blown up with Z and what's that? Dom Toretto and xXx himself Xander Cage show up, Vin playing both roles at once. No, scratch that. It's too much, it's so much it might bring about world peace... So I'll change my answer to:Garfield vs Heathcliff.

JULY SCHEDULE

Say what? The Schedule in advance?! It's the least we could do! By subscribing to this newsletter you get a sneak peak at what we're putting out for this June for the first month of the Summer Blockbuster Extravaganza! 

Episode 619 — Thor: The Dark World

Episode 620 —  Clash of the Titans (2010)

Episode 621 —  American Pie

Episode 622 —  The Lost Boys


Patreon Episodes:

Patreon Exclusive We Love Movies — Iron Man 3

Animation Damnation — Reboot: "The Tearing" (s1,e1)

The Nexus: TOS: "Spectre of the Gun" (s3 e6) TNG: "A Matter of Perspective" (s3, e14)

Gleep Glossary: 4-LOM

Melr0210: 90210: "Chuckie's Back" (s2, e17) Melrose Place: "Fire Power"  (s2, e3)

Find all this crap and enjoy it legally, just like we do! Now!

PATREON RSS BUG

If you’re having trouble with the RSS feed updating or episodes not appearing in your app, Patreon has acknowledged this bug and they have a fix: "Try un-subscribing and re-subscribing via your app by re-entering the unique RSS feed you were given and is on our Overview section of the Creator page. Or try using a different podcast app or RSS feed reader." 

Please consult this page and contact Patreon Support if the problem persists. We apologize for any inconvenience you’ve experienced on Patreon and truly appreciate your continued support!

UPCOMING NEWS AND PROMOTION



Our Youtube Channel continues to kick-ass folks! We've uploaded the TRAVESTY that is the VHS PREVIEW GAME as well as all officially sanctioned VHS Trailer Game episodes (which points DO actually count).  Eric has also put out great clip packages like Toby Jones in Bee Movie, Sausage Claus, David! Muppet Hitchcock Presents, Egg Lawyer, Lak Sivrak, the Wolfman of Star Wars, Michael Biehn at Comic Con, Loose Loomis, and many more! You can also watch the entirety of our Witchboard episode! Complete with visual gags (most of which are almost funny.). You'll find all sorts of cool shit like Mailbags, VHS Trailer Games, Full Episodes like Fantastic Four (2005), Bad Boys: Bad Boys for Life, Eternals, Saw III, and Resident Evil (2002). Like we said above these are great for sharing and introducing folks to the show. There's so much content there we can't list it all here. Just go and subscribe already! 



We just want to let you folks know that the Scanner Cop 1 & 2 collection is back in stock on the Vinegar Syndrome website! Why should you care? Well, A.) Those movies are awesome and B.) Scanner Cop features a synchable, hilarious commentary by your friends at We Hate Movies! Get your copy now before it's off the market! 

This month on Hooked on T.J. Hooker: Eric and Ben watch as Hooker deals with an old nemesis and a shit ton of 'splosions!  Listen here!  

If you're a fan of the show and a fan of looking sharp, you should check out our merch on our TeePublic store! We've got awesome new designs including Steven Segall as a pink video game character you've heard of and MINGO (copyright forthcoming) shirt from MelR0210 both by (you guessed it) Felipe Sobreiro! We also have a ton of great designs like The VHS Trailer Game Logo, Egg Lawyer, The Order of the Boop, The Kornkast design and many more, with more to come! 

That's going to do it for this month's Dispatch! See you next month! 

Take it easy,
Andrew, Chris, Eric, and Steve
We Hate Movies