Big Daddy Dispatch: June 2020 (Patreon)

Dispatch Forty Three, June 8th, 2020

Hello WHM Family!

A word of apology on this later than usual Big Daddy Dispatch, there's really no other reason other than with all that's been going on across the country, we've had a little trouble focusing. But that's no excuse! It's your Patreon benefit and we're going to fill your inboxes with the fun newsletter you've come to expect. First though we wanted to let you all know that we hope this finds you healthy, safe, and rightfully enraged. We're there too. The reason for the header image is to let you folks know that we'll be donating the entirety of our 2020 Tee Public store income to charities that promote racial justice and systemic change to end police brutality. So, if you've ever wanted a Muldoon's Pub shirt to show off to your pals or want to let the world know it's time to FIGURE IT OUT!, now's the best time to order because we won't make a dime and it'll go to a really great cause that could use your money. You can go to our Teepublic page here. If you just want to donate or look at the list of organizations the proceeds are going to, you can find that here. 

On a positive note, we're absolutely 100% done with the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise for the foreseeable future. Savvy? Also, as you'll see below we have a killer Summer Blockbuster Extravaganza line-up for you and Episode 500 is coming in August and you're gonna love it.

Banner Credit: We Hate Movies The Big Daddy Dispatch by Felipe Sobreiro

Image Credit:  Quarantined We Hate Movies by Felipe Sobreiro & P.L. Boucher

LAST MONTH ON WHM Episode 482 – Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl

Avast, me maties! It be time for the WHM boys to set course for the first of fucking five godforsaken Pirates of the Caribbean movies, wherein we meet Jack Sparrow and watch Will Turner rescue Elizabeth Swann from the grasp of Cuckbeard…or Barbossa, depending on how you see things. What is the deal with this curse? Did anyone else notice Geoffrey Rush’s blatant scene stealing here? Should Johnny Depp have been allowed to act after 1999? Prepare thyself for plenty of wig and meth boat talk, shipmates!
Episode 483 – Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest with Chelsea Jupin

The gang welcomes back returning guest Chelsea Jupin and becomes quickly weary of tackling this franchise as the talk turns to the second movie, which pits Turner, Sparrow, and Swann against the tentacled master of the lower depths and confirmed sex freak, Davy Jones! How long is Eric going to read this slash fiction? Are people really invested in Norrington? Is Johnny Depp the only person allowed to have fun in these movies or what? Hopefully, we can start getting some boat-swapping parties going in time for this summer.
 

Episode 484 – The Ring (PATREON EXCLUSIVE)

On this month’s WLM, Eric, Andrew, Chris, and Steve dock their pirate ship for a spell to talk about an actual good movie by Gore Verbinski, the J-horror remake The Ring, in which Naomi Watts faces off against a malicious VHS tape. Has there ever been a better suicide than the one concocted by Brian Cox in this movie? What is stopping Naomi Watts from abandoning this creepy-ass kid? Does it always look like David Fincher’s refrigerator in Seattle or is this Verbinski’s idea? Also, let’s maybe workshop some better places to put a well than underneath a vacation cabin.

Episode 483 – Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End (with Ben Worcester)

Hooked on T.J. Hooker co-host Ben Worcester returns to the program to help the boys grapple with the third and final Verbinski Pirates film, which climaxes with a breathless ship battle in a flushing toilet. How long did you say this fucking movie was?!? Is there a worst villain death on record than the one given to Tom Hollander here? Why on God’s Green Earth would you get rid of a Kraken? Get ready for a giant woman, folks.

Episode 486 – Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides (with Jourdain Searles)

Jourdain Searles of Bitch Media and Bad Romance Podcast joins our intrepid quartet as they looking to the hellish gaping maw of the most expensive film ever made, which features mermaids that can sling webs and a Christian that doesn’t really seem to know much about Christianity. Is Gibbs, in fact, Daddy? Why does Blackbeard have special rope powers? Was it really just too tough to give the Spanish armada any characteristics whatsoever? Well, at least this is the last one, right? RIGHT?!? OH GODDAMNIT NO!  

WHAT ARE WE WATCHING?

This is a space for us to talk about some NON-We Hate Movies related content that we've shoved into our eyeballs in the last month: TV, Movies, Cartoons, and Sports (maybe?). Just about anything that isn't pornography.
Andrew: I feel like I haven’t picked up many new watches in the last month that I haven’t already told you fine folks about—except to say that that Steve got me hooked on stupid PLUTO TV so I have been watching American Gladiators here and there. Otherwise, Chelsea and I are still going through The Golden Girls at dinner, and then at night we’ve been catching up with Better Call Saul. However, that show is so beautifully, perfectly bleak and twisted that honestly, it’s been a little too much over the last few weeks. So we’ve instead reverted to more Classic Simpsons curation, along with a peppering New Girl, another totally innocuous, but excellently written and performed comedy. 

Still, all of this pales in comparison to what is going on around us right now in this world and as such, I’d like to end this section by amplifying a Letterboxd list a buddy of mine published a few days ago. The list is entitled 1000+ Films Directed by Black American Filmmakers. It’s an incredibly diverse and comprehensive list featuring narratives, docs and experimental works, both feature length films and shorts. If you see something not on there, let him know! He is definitely open to add stuff that he’s missed. Please do give this list a gander and let it guide your at home programming. Along with much needed listening and reading, I know that I also have a lot of watching to do. 

Chris: I forget if I mentioned this last BDD or the one before before, but my main focus over the quarantine, aside from bringing piping hot curse words and deranged, inaccurate takes to your door via the podcast, has been working my way through filmographies of major directors. In May, this has included two Demmes (The Agronomist and Swing Shift – The Directors Cut), two from Johnnie To (Sparrow and PTU), and two by the great Alan Rudolph (Made in Heaven and Premonition), as well as one-offs by Ming-liang (The Hole), Arraki (Totally Fucked Up), Dumont (The Life of Jesus), Herzog (My Best Fiend), Suleiman (It Must Be Heaven), Decker (Shirley), Lindsay Anderson (This Sporting Life), Wenders (Kings of the Road), Woo (Bullet in the Head), and Tati (Jour de Fete). I also made my first foray into the oeuvre of Greek master Theo Angelopoulos with his mournful and evocative epic Eternity and a Day.
 

I would suggest watching any of those films when you have time but the one I figured deserved some extra attention, considering this past month’s episodes on the dreadful Pirates of the Caribbean franchise, is Monte Hellman’s Iguana, which delivered the fury and ruthlessness of 19th century pirating that those movies were sorely missing. Twin Peaks fans will notice the great Everett McGill in the title role of a harpooner who abandons the whaling ship he works on after being tortured and mistreated by his shipmates and becomes a heartless ruler over a band of hostages along the rocky bay of Hood Island in the Galapagos. What Hellman, a singular and significant American filmmaker, sees is a cycle of abuse both in both micro and macro, at once deeply personal and broadly applied in society. The captain of the aforementioned whaling boat gives the game away early when he tells McGill’s character that he believes him to be an innocent but will also kill him to appease the other men. And yet, Hellman doesn’t see Oberlus (McGill) as solely a victim beaten into monstrosity. He captures the real satisfaction and cruel glee that Oberlus gets out of murdering, raping, and keeping his people captive, until the final moments when Hellman reveals the full, devastating emotional scope of his work. Iguana is currently on Prime and is 90 minutes on the dot, so none of you have any excuses for ignoring this astonishing film.
 

Eric: I put the call out on Twitter the other day for White Guy Karate recommendations and friend of the show Jon Gabrus came through with a great one. It's called Perfect Weapon and it stars Jeff Speakman, Mako, James Hong, Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa -- all the greats. It's a lot of fun and a definite recommend. Afterwards, I discovered TUBI (a free app) has the American Ninja movies and I promptly fell asleep to the first one. 

The Last Drive-In with Joe Bob Briggs is something I have been digging into and while it has had a rocky season thus far, there's been some gems in there I want to mention. There's a  movie called Deadbeat At Dawn (1988) which kinda sorta fits into the White Guy Karate motif although this is like a Punk Punchy sub-genre. It kinda feels like what an honest adaption of Double Dragon or Streets of Rage might look like. I am sure you can find it without Briggs' commentary, as it's likely on Shudder on its own. By the way, this is not an ad but, I believe our promo code for Shudder "WHM" still works to get you a month free. I am really enjoying The Last Drive-In because it's broadcast on their "It Came From Shudder" LIVE TV feed and it's wild to have appointment television back on Friday nights! Also the idea of a singular experience with a fellow audience members I find very alluring while locked inside. Although if he's playing Troma's War or Cannibal Holocaust it might be best to move the party to TUBI. Or PlutoTV which, I just have a hunch, my co-hosts might be raving about PlutoTV. 

Another quarantine essential for me has been Late Night with David Letterman, the old 80's and super early 90's stuff. It is comforting to hear jokes about shit going on in the world that seem quaint as fuck now. Also Dave was such a strong, strong comedic performer back then. It's wild since I mostly knew him from the sterilized Late Show era. 

Two Letterman recommendations 
-The Airport Show
-The 4th Anniversary Show (also plane themed, and mentioned on an episode of MELRO210) 

Steve:  The answer of course, is PLUTO TV. A shout out to @AnneMangione on twitter for alerting me that Pluto TV was indeed showing The Real World seasons from the 1990's and goddamn what a nostalgia plunge that has been. I miss all those real, not ready for TV faces having incredibly stilted arguments while wearing the silliest clothes you could ever hope to see. 

Another outlet for bizarre oddities from a bygone era has been The Spectacle Theater on Twitch which is a currently shuddered independent theater in Brooklyn (where we hosted our first ever live screening way back when) that my wife and I have frequented ever since. Oddly enough over Memorial Day Weekend, Eric, Andrew, and I all watched their Army themed horror marathon while texting and it was almost akin to "Hanging out" — remember that? We were lucky enough to catch them stream Uncle Sam, which happens to be better than it has any right to be, The Prowler, one of my absolute favorite 80's slashers, and some $300 budge nightmare called The Witching (1992), which no human being has any right to be subjected to...Fun stuff like that. If you're interested check them out on Sundays as they do a Kung Foo movie under the Banner Fist Church and a Horror flick under the banner Blood Brunch, check 'em out! PATREON MAILBAG LIGHTNING ROUND
This time around we're changing this up by answering two of your questions! 

This month's patron-sourced question comes from Nicole in Washington, D.C. who asks:

"I recently went through a breakup and found myself on the prowl - not just for a hot rebound hookup, but for the ULTIMATE breakup film. I found a couple of gems but am curious what film/films y’all would put in that category."

Andrew:  The answer is simple: The best breakup films are the ones that make you feel good about yourself or feel whatever you need to feel in the moment. It doesn't have to be a film about a break-up (500 Days of Summer probably never realistically helped anyone), it can be whatever you want. Whether you're looking to distract yourself, heal yourself, whatever the case may be, just stick to stuff that makes you feel how you want to feel. And for that reason, I'm not sure I can answer this well enough because everyone's Feel Good/Feel Better/Need An Escape/Blow Off Steam films are all different. If I had to choose stuff that would work for me? I dunno, Lebowski? Stop Making Sense? You know my go-to's, gang! 

Chris: There are a few that come to mind. The Break-Up is one that I return to often not just because I think Peyton Reed is a woefully undervalued filmmaker but because it isn’t directly interested in single traits that denote what led to Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn splitting or what they do after it happens. Reed gets at the stickiness of intimate romantic relationships, how messy and uncertain the entire ordeal can be for people who are already having trouble tending to their wounds and attempting to move forward. It has a happy-ish ending that feels very much like a test audience demand rather than a natural conclusion but if you follow major-studio romantic comedies in any serious way, this is not the only time you have had to forgive a sweaty landing. Now, The Break-Up is, at heart, a comedy and I think it is essential that break-up movies be comedies. Even my favorite movies about divorce – An Unmarried Woman, Nobody’s Business, and The War of the Roses to name a few – are laced with big laughs. I sadly don’t know a good break-up movie that fully focuses on and captures the rage, self-loathing, hopelessness, and regret that comes with a split, however. If there are any, I would love to see them.

Eric: The best break-up film is Taxi Driver. I once watched that movie 5 times in a row. It really connects with that isolation (haha, remember when that wasn't mandatory) you may be feeling. Obviously, don't do anything depicted in the film! I guess High Fidelity might be another one to check out, I don't know! For me whenever I went through an actual breakup I just watched Star Wars non-stop which may or may not be the reason we broke up to begin with! 

Steve: I remember very clearly presiding as the mayor of Dumpsville one summer and finding The Last Waltz on Cinemax (I was living at home so I was in a real good place) and I really think it's a perfect break-up movie. You've got these great songs, fantastic performers and camerawork but the whole film has the air of melancholy of something that has to end. It's kind of beautiful in a real ruminative way. Though I do also agree with Andrew that you also need to balance that out with whatever film junk food that takes you to happier places. I remember watching Ghostbusters a lot that summer. 
 

JUNE SCHEDULE

Say what? The Schedule in advance?! It's the least we could do! By subscribing to this newsletter you get a sneak peak at what we're putting out in June, the first month of the SUMMER BLOCKBUSTER EXTRAVAGANZA!:

Episode 487 — Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales

Episode 488 — Scooby Doo (2002)

Episode 489 — The Mummy (1999)

Episode 490 — The Expendables

MELR0210:

90210: "Isn't It Romantic?" "B.Y.O.B" "One Man and a Baby" "Slumber Party" "East Side Story"

Melrose Place: "A Promise Broken" "Polluted Affairs" "Dreams Come True" "Drawing the Line" 

Patreon Episodes:

Patreon Exclusive We Love Movies — No Country for Old Men

Animation Damnation — Scooby Doo Where are You?: "Mystery Mask Mix-Up" (s1, e2)

The Nexus: TOS: "Journey to Babel" (s2, e10) TNG: "The Icarus Factor" (s2, e14)

Gleep Glossary: Salacious B. Crumb

A Side Order of Sleaze: Basket Case

Quarterly Synch-able Commentary: Cats (2019)
 

Find all this crap and enjoy it legally, just like we do! now!

PATREON RSS BUG

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Please consult this page and contact Patreon Support if the problem persists. We apologize for any inconvenience you’ve experienced on Patreon and truly appreciate your continued support!
UPCOMING NEWS AND PROMOTION

If you're not subscribed to our Youtube Channel you are missing out on a ton of great content! We put out a synched clip from our Justice League Commentary about The Skeleton League! Also Eric put out great clip packages like Breaking Down the 10 Commandments, President Nerd, Michael Biehn at Comic Con, Loose Loomis, and many more! Like we said above these are great for sharing and introducing folks to the show. You can also find full episodes like Space Jam, The Amazing Spider-Man 2, The Fast and the Furious, Die Hard With a Vengeance (with Jon Gabrus), and Return of the Jedi! There's so much content there we can't list it all here. Just go and subscribe already! 

This month on Hooked on TJ Hooker: Eric and Ben run afoul of the LIPSTICK KILLER. Listen here!

Head on over to the Tee Public Store where we've got our new logo (and super cool variations like the one below) on-sale

That's gonna do it for this month's dispatch, thanks as always for your incredible support!

Andrew, Chris, Eric, and Steve
We Hate Movies