BIG DADDY DISPATCH: JANUARY 2020 (Patreon)

             
Dispatch Thirty Eight, January 3rd, 2019
 

Hello WHM Family!
 

Thank God 2019 is over, bring on 2020! We just completed the biggest  month of content dropping we ever dared to attempt and we gotta tell you  folks—it was fun as hell. We did a shit ton of Star Wars stuff, but we left out an On-Screen for Rise of Skywalker  (which as of this writing is only days away from being dropped on  Youtube and on the Main Feed, so be ready), we dropped episodes on  action classics, brought you on the road with us to San Francisco, and  even ran afoul of a few rascally Gramlins! Not only that, we also  dropped a two hour special episode on Star Trek: The Borg Clit  and even spent an hour talking about Steve's favorite Christmas special,  which revealed the rest of the gang to be heartless monsters.*
 

As we start the tenth year of this show, we have to take a moment and  thank y'all for what you do as Patrons. It blows our minds that we're  able to keep this crazy enterprise going and you fine people are the  reason that we can. We're thankful for anyone that listens to the show,  but for you lovely people to spend your hard earned money—which  could be used for any number of illegal drugs—and spend it on hearing  some middling Alan Alda impressions and imagined scenarios that feature  the dad from Gremlins being fed while he sleeps is a surprise that we've never quite gotten over. So thank you, and we look forward to continue to make you laugh and occasionally gross you out. 
 

Banner Credit: We Hate Movies The Big Daddy Dispatch by Felipe Sobreiro 

Image Credit: Squid Book by Joshua Hollis
 

*if it isn't clear to you that Steve writes these intros yet, now it is.
 

NEW PATREON EXCLUSIVE ALERT
 

Hot on the heels of our popular recap series The Mandalorian Half-Hour, we're going to be doing weekly recaps of CBS All Access' Star Trek: Picard, titled Making It So!  This will be on the $8.00 level to give all you Nexus heads a little  extra Earl Grey in January and February. These recaps will not replace  your monthly Nexus but will add to it. We have no clue if the show is gonna be any good, but we are full of hope that it does Jean-Luc proud.
 

Full disclosure: the ads you'll hear on the main feed for Picard  were indeed paid for by CBS All Access. However these were sold well  after we had planned on doing this series, as it felt like a natural  follow-up after The Mandalorian. CBS All Access is not paying  for this series, you are. So it'll get a fair review from all four of  us, and it will get just as filthy as any WHM content. Though in honesty  it's Patrick Stewart playing Jean Luc-Picard after 20 fucking years, so  Andrew and Steve will likely be holding back tears the entire time,  which would've happened anyway.
 

Watch along with us, won't you?
 

Logo Credit: Making It So by Felipe Sobreiro

 

LAST MONTH ON WHM 

  Episode 456 – Die Hard with a Vengeance with Jon Gabrus
 

    The gang welcomes the great Jon Gabrus of the High & Mighty, Action Boyz, and Comedy BangBang podcasts into the studio to usher in the second annual We Love Movies month and discuss the only Die Hard movie that matters other than the first. How did we never get a Zeus spin-off? Are a few Advil really going to cure a Die Hard  hangover? Which job would you want if you were one of Simon’s  henchpeople? Honestly, we’d all have died at the water-weighing level. 

Episode 457 – The Rock: Live in San Francisco!
 

Recorded  live during their recent West Coast tour, the boys continue the  month-long stretch of WLM episodes with Michael Bay’s one great movie, The Rock,  in which grunge-era Sean Connery must help sane-enough-era Nic Cage to  outwit lunatic militia leader Ed Harris. Can we retire Beatlemania and  still like The Beatles? Wouldn’t Sean Connery be dead of a heart attack  the minute he got a whiff of fresh air? What exactly is Ed Harris’  endgame here? All this, plus a special dedication to that one guy who  tells Nic Cage and Xander Berkeley that they’re fuuuucked.
 

Episode 458 – Star Wars: Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back (PATREON EXCLUSIVE)  

In the follow-up to their much-heralded, three-hour-long Star Wars  episode, the gang go very long again on arguably the greatest sequel of  all time, thankfully directed by someone who isn’t George Lucas. Should  not the Wampas rise up and eat all these Rebellion motherfuckers for  building on their land? Is there a steadfast rule to the military  hierarchy in the Rebellion or is it more of a chill-atary? Why oh why  does this movie rule so hard? Come for the bounty hunter talk, stay for a  metric ton of Star Wars EU factoids by one Eric Szyszka.
 

Episode 459 – Star Wars: Episode VI: Return of the Jedi
 

To  finish out the original trilogy, Andrew, Eric, Chris, and Stephen take  on the movie with the violent, crazed teddy bears. No, no – it’s Return of the Jedi!  But seriously, why are these teddy bears all violent maniacs? Did  Admiral Akbar drive Grand Moff Tarkin across the American South on a  jazz tour? What was the fate of Max Rebo and his band? Hold on tight,  because we go longer than dying Yoda on this one.
 

Episode 460 – Gremlins

The boys celebrate the holidays with one of the weirdest and best Christmas films ever made: Joe Dante’s Baby Yoda or, as it is otherwise known, Gremlins.  Why aren’t these people showing any respect to the rules? Is Billy’s  dad supporting a second family or a mistress on these invention  conventions or what? The fuck is with that story about Phoebe Cates’  dad? Sadly, this does not end with an intervention to force Billy from  hanging out with Corey Feldman so much.
 

Episode 461 – Mad Max: Fury Road
 

As  the decade comes to a close, Andrew, Chris, Stephen, and Eric speed  through the wasteland to sing the praises eternal of one of the decade’s  defining movies, George Miller’s unfuckwithable Mad Max: Fury Road.  Will we ever get to see the cut scenes where Max and Furiosa stop in  Cigarette City? What exactly is going on with Immortan Joe’s body? How  does one get the job of guitar maniac in this world? We drive into 2020  all shiny and chrome, and are awaited in Valhalla!
 

WHAT ARE WE WATCHING?
 

This is a space for us to talk about some NON-We Hate Movies  related content that we've shoved into our eyeballs in the last month:  TV, Movies, Cartoons, and Sports (maybe?). Just about anything that isn't  pornography. And as a super special end of the year bonus for your  generous patrons, we're including our top 10 lists for 2019.
 

Andrew:
 

1. Her Smell
2. Parasite
3. The Irishman
4. Once Upon a Time... in Hollywood
5. Uncut Gems
6. Marriage Story
7. An Elephant Sitting Still 8. Ad Astra
9. The Souvenir 10. Doelmite Is My Name T'was  the season for insane Christmas bullshit on Hulu/Netflix and this year,  we caught two real stinkers. I have to say that it's unfortunate some  of these productions—the Lifetime ones specifically—are getting hip to  the hate-watching that these films can encourage and appear to be laying  into that a little bit. Also, fuck the Hallmark Channel for removing the commercial with the lesbian couple (regardless that they put it back on the air after complaints—it should’ve never left.)
 

All that said, it didn't stopped the nonsense from streaming in our home. Chelsea and I started the season off with Radio Christmas, a Lifetime turd starring Keshia Knight Pulliam (Rudy from The Cosby Show) as Kara, a Philadelphia radio DJ (DJ being used very cautiously  here, more like Playlist Creator) who runs what appears to be a  year-round digital radio station called, you guessed it, Radio  Christmas! When fire destroys her station's studio, Kara—for some  reason—is sent to the small town of (ugh) Bethlehem, Pennsylvania, to  work remotely at a terrestrial radio station. The film doesn't seem to  know that Bethlehem is a real town in PA, but doesn't seem to care  either. It also never explains why Kara has to move out of Philly to,  you know, put together playlists. This town was a real shit-hole 10  years back until it was gifted some WILD amount of money by an anonymous  donor or, yup, Secret Santa, that wound up paying for tons of municipal  and cultural needs indefinitely. Kara decides that blowing the lid off  the Secret Santa story and revealing the donor's identity will surely  get her that big promotion at the station. Spoiler Alert: the town's  Secret Santa is the hot guy who also happens to work at the town radio  station. The guy who's all, "Fuck Philly, small town living is the best  kind of living. Don't worry, by the time the credits roll, these two  will definitely be fucking on Christmas. Hooray!    Another major Christmas goose egg we screened is the THIRD ENTRY into what has somehow become the Christmas Prince franchise on Netflix—A Christmas Prince: The Royal Baby. That's right, gang, Christmas's favorite incompetent film crew is back in the saddle giving us another hilariously shitty Christmas Prince film.  I should say, I'm an ironically huge fan of these movies. They're just  so, so dumb—so poorly written and directed, so poorly acted, so  EMBARRASSINGLY executed in every way... I really can't get enough. For  the uninitiated, A Christmas Prince and its sequels follow  Amber: a New York blogger/fake journalist who initially goes undercover  as a tutor in order to dig up dirt on the hot bachelor royal, Prince  Richard, the future King of Aldovia. The second film, A Christmas Prince: The Royal Wedding,  is about, you guessed it again: Richard going to war and attempting  genocide on a neighboring nation! Just kidding, they get married after  their two families learn to stop hating each other and start being real.  So this brings us to part three, The Royal Baby, where you're stuck on the edge of your seat wondering which is gonna come first: the Royal Baby or Christmas! There's  also a detour into witchcraft and curses which is quite hysterical, as  well as a solo attempt by Queen Amber to bring another, more traditional  fake country into the 21st century through, you guessed it once again,  THE MAGIC OF CHRISTMAS!    On a much more positive note, I showed Chelsea Duck Soup for  the first time and let me tell you, watching my wife—a massive fan of  puns and word play—totally dig on the Marx Brothers, well loyal Patreon  subscriber, it was like falling in love all over again!   Chris:
 

1. Ad Astra
2. The Irishman
3. Us
4. Once Upon a Time ... In Hollywood
5. Uncut Gems
6. Her Smell
7. Marriage Story
8. An Elephant Sitting Still
9. Parasite
10. Ash is Purest White
 

Still making my way through awards-season screeners, and folks, it’s unforgiving terrain. I sat through about 90 minutes of Bombshell  before I had to turn it off, which has been my consistent reaction to  all Jay Roach movies thus far. You know the equation: major political  event + snide, harmless humor + insistent, obvious messaging x solid  real-person mimicry by a great cast = Jay Roach. I also must say that I  wasn’t particularly won over by Knives Out. It's fun and all,  but it lacked the visual and narrative ambitions of Rian Johnson's other  films. That may have been the point – to make a small, simple, and  clever entertainment in between Star Wars projects – but I really had a hard time connecting to it despite the obviously impressive craftsmanship that went into it.
 

On a brighter note, I finally saw Kasi Lemmons’ Harriet, which I  really liked for the most part. There is an after school special  quality to it that softens a notable amount of its emotional payoff, but  it's also a much stranger movie than it has any right to be.
 

I have essentially the same feelings about Dark Waters, Todd  Haynes’ entertaining and enraging legal thriller about the DuPont  water-poisoning case. There is no sign of Haynes the artist in that  movie but Haynes’ politics are all over it and in bold. It's also paced  beautifully.
 

The only movie that has really knocked my socks off – apart from Uncut Gems and Marriage Story – is Atlantics,  Mati Diop’s astoundingly assured feature debut, currently available on  Netflix. It takes place in Dakar and immediately establishes a worn-in  knowledge of the everyday politics and social climate of the area,  beginning with labor abuses and arranged marriages. From there it turns  into an unnerving ghost story, laced with a reckless, unbound romance  and volatile class politics. See it before you make your lists…if you  make lists.
 

Eric:  I am not a big list guy. Never was. I hate the idea of encapsulating a  year's worth of stuff into one list especially when I have so much left  to see. Well, I will say the highlights for me this year have definitely  been (in no definite order): Once Upon A Time ... In Hollywood, Ad Astra, The Irishman (despite it looking full on Polar Express early on), Uncut Gems, The Beach Bum, Midsommar, The Lighthouse, Alita: Battle Angel, and Crawl.  There's more. There's a lot left to see. I generally try to catch up  around this time of year and if I don't, you know what? Maybe I'll never  see those movies. And that's okay too. Sometimes I feel like I need to  pull off a Herculean effort to see everything and in the end, that  erodes enjoyment out of those movies and it's not fair to those movies.  Be fair to the movies. Insert Steve's old building's super voice: "I'm  not Hercules over here!" For example, I finally saw Won't You Be My Neighbor?  and loved it, and I am not sure I would've if I rushed to get it in  under some arbitrary self-imposed deadline or some inkling I need to see  X in order to go online have a "take."    Other than movies I've been hitting up a bit of the old TEE VEE. I saw everyone watching and recommending Watchmen, which I should've probably marathoned the other day instead of doing a big The Witcher deep-dive. I have seen people on Twitter praise The Mandalorian and now The Witcher for being post peak-TV shows more akin to Xena: Warrior Princess and Hercules: The Legendary Journeys ("I am Hercules over here") than your Breaking Bads and the like and I think that's on point and a super welcome change. The Witcher can be confusing with it's chronology and I say that as someone who read an entire Witcher novel by Andrzej Sapkowski. The book I read called "Blood Of Elves" was  fine, but nothing special. The show isn't either, but the show? It's  like a comfortable bath after a long day. Yeah show me a hunk talk to a  monster or cut it's head off then let's throw some hints out about  destiny. It's cool. I enjoy it, but it's not the best thing since sliced  bread and it's honestly, to me, refreshing to have that medium brow  content back. I finished the season, by the by. And I gotta say: O'  valley of plenty, toss a coin.  

Steve:
 

1. Once Upon a Time... In Hollywood
2. Uncut Gems
3. Marriage Story
4. The Lighthouse
5. Midsommar
6. A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood
7. The Irishman
8. The Farewell
9. Us
10. Little Women
 

I  think all lists are an imperfect exercise at best, and as such, what I  arranged above likely will change in a year or two. I will say that this  was an EXCELLENT year for movies, an absolute all-timer, and Paul  Thomas Anderson or the Coen’s didn’t even submit entries—who woulda guessed! Once Upon a Time gets the edge over Uncut Gems only because I want to watch that movie all the time and even though Gems was  fantastic, it's an excruciating watch.  You can talk me into any order  for most of the rest, but they all still stick with me. Notable  exceptions for stuff I haven’t seen are Portrait of a Lady on Fire, Her Smell, Richard Jewell (it could be good!), Dark Waters, and The Souvenir, oh and trust me Parasite and Ad Astra juuust missed this top ten and were edged out by Greta Gerwig's superb Little Women, which made me openly weep in the theater. Like I said, a great year!
 

In other news, I agree with Chris, while I had a fun time with Knives Out,  I didn’t love it as much as the rest of you fine folks. It’s a lot of  fun, but I couldn’t get past Craig’s accent (I loved him in Logan Lucky,  but this one doesn’t stick the landing) or the excessive length. A  solid B- and a fun time at the movies though, that’s for sure. 
 

On the TV and streaming front, if you're a creepy documentary fan I think Netflix’s The Confession Killer  is a must. A great exploration in deplorably shoddy policework filled  with colorful characters, great archival footage, and great twists. My  wife and I couldn’t put it down. I also finished HBO's Watchmen and  I think it's a minor miracle that a sequel to one of the greatest comic  books* of all time that is equally reverent and dismissive to the  source material could be this good. The whole cast is great (with the  exception of that Russian guy, woof). Standouts include Regina King,  Yaha Abdul-Mateen  II, Jeremy Irons, Hong Chau, Tim Blake Nelson, and LOU GOSSETT FUCKING  JUNIOR. I would say watch it ASAP if you haven't just to steer clear of  spoilers because half the fun is figuring out where the hell this show  was going.
 

*Watchmen isn't a graphic novel it  was released as single issues, and therefore the volume everybody has is  a TRADE PAPERBACK, not a graphic novel. I'll say this until I'm  rightfully executed for believing such heresy.
 PATREON MAILBAG LIGHTNING ROUND     
January's entry comes from Mike C. from New York, who asks:
 "What’s  you’re ultimate 'I mixed beer and champagne and it feels like I  hammered nails into my skull' New Years Day hangover movie?"
 

Andrew: I think for me, the ultimate I-Might-Be-Dying hangover movie is David Fincher's Zodiac,  an impeccably made (and underrated/under-watched) film that is the  perfect combination of being about something I'm fascinated by—serial  killers and the investigations around them—that also happens to be  super-slow and really quiet—two things you really need when you've got a  real 5-alarm banger in your noggin. So pick up that Director's Cut, pop  some extra-strength whatever-you've-got, chug some Vitamin water, maybe  spark a Tall Glass of Water, and let those 162 quiet, eerie minutes  wash over you as you slowly, but surely, start feeling like a person  again. Around the creepy basement scene, maybe crack a beer or two for  that sweet, sweet Hair of the Dog that bit you, Lloyd!   
 

Chris: Traditionally, New Year's morning is usually a good day for Simpsons reruns or the old all-time standbys – Shawshank Redemption, The Fugitive, The Pelican Brief, Broken Arrow, etc. But I do have my favorites if I have the power to keep focus at all. Towards the top of that list would be When Harry Met Sally – they get together on New Year's Eve! – and Gremlins 2  – they die pretending its New Year's Eve! This year, I might return to  one of my favorite New Years scenes of all time, that of course being  William H. Macy’s sign-off in Boogie Nights. Going through my  top of the decade list, three PT Anderson films were in my top 25, and I  realized it’s been awhile since I revisited the early ones. But if  we’re talking just no-hope-in-sight-type hangover, the answer is and  always will be The Fugitive.
 

Eric: I  think getting a comforting touchstone from childhood makes for an  excellent hangover afternoon. I know this varies for many people given  how age and time works. So I'll just mention some movies I saw a lot as a  kid that I do think are nice, relaxing, yet engaging ENOUGH to be great  hangover fair: The Fugitive, The Rock, the entire Back to the Future trilogy,  and there's countless more but for that life ending New Year's Day  hangover, I find it's helpful for it to be media that I've seen so much I  can walk out of the room to get water or prepare a snack. I'll also add  a big second endorsement to Andrew's Zodiac selection. A engaging sprawling legal-ish thriller will also do the work! Maybe that Dark Waters will end up being a hangover movie? I've definitely seen A Civil Action hungover and honestly, might be the only time I can sit still and take in a courtroom thing.     Steve: There's  just so many ways to go here and it just isn't fair! I'm a sucker for  anything that the SYFY channel is playing because it'll take three hours  and I don't even need to think about anything. That I like. I think  dramas are wholly underrepresented in the hangover genre, so in that  vein Good Will Hunting is a nice New Year's hangover film.  Because it's mostly quiet, pretty dark to look at and there's  some performances to keep you tethered to reality.  Also, it's juuuust  shy of depressing (Elliot Smith anyone?) but has a hopeful enough ending  so you can pretend this year will work out better than the last as you  chug your third vitamin water.
 

JANUARY SCHEDULE
 

Say  what? The Schedule in advance?! It's the least we could do! By  subscribing to this newsletter you get a sneak peak at what we're  putting out for our annual WORST OF 2019 month:
 

Episode 462 — Hellboy (2019)
 

Episode 463 — Angel Has Fallen
 

Episode 464 — Terminator: Dark Fate
 

Episode 465 — Hobbes and Shaw
 

Patreon Episodes:
 

Patreon Exclusive We Love Movies — Once Upon a Time...In Hollywood
 

Animation Damnation — Fast and the Furious Spy Racers: "Born a Torretto" (s1, e1)
 

The Nexus: TOS: "Catspaw" (s2, e7) TNG: "Contagion" (s2, e11)
 

Gleep Glossary: Emperor Palpatine
 

A NOTE ON THE FILM Cats (2019): Members of the  management have seen this film and deemed it to be worthy of our  attention. However, it was, in their opinion too diffuse and scattershot  to be "an episode" Therefore we at We Hate Movies LLC solemnly swear  that Tom Hooper's nightmare production of Cats will be a  commentary in the year of 2020 (either the Q1 or Q2 commentary depending  on when it's out on streaming for all to enjoy).
 

Find all this crap and enjoy it legally, just like we do! now! 

PATREON RSS BUG
 

If  you’re having trouble with the RSS feed updating or episodes not  appearing in your app, Patreon has acknowledged this bug and they have a  fix: "Try un-subscribing and re-subscribing via your app by re-entering  the unique RSS feed you were given and is on our Overview section of  the Creator page. Or try using a different podcast app or RSS feed  reader." 
 

Please consult this page  and contact Patreon Support if the problem persists. We apologize for  any inconvenience you’ve experienced on Patreon and truly appreciate  your continued support!    
UPCOMING NEWS AND PROMOTION 

OH. MY. GOD. : our Youtube Channel is still kicking all kinds of ass. Did you know that you could watch our full Gone in 60 Seconds episode from the D.C. Improv? Not only that but you've got your monthly video Mail Bags, some great On-Screens (and more coming) and amazing clips of bits like Cinema Truckers, Louie Anderson as the Last Actor on Earth and James Bond's Mourned at His Favorite Restaurant and some from our Patreon commentaries, like the just released Twilight: Breaking Dawn part 2, as well as old favorites like Sucker Punch, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and Independence Day which  are not only fun to re-visit if you're a fan but they're also great  jumping on points for folks you want to indoctrinate into the WHM  lifestyle! Also there are full episodes to stream right on Youtube, like  Brainscan, Pet Semetary (with Griffin Newman), Venom and Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them: The Crimes of Grindelwald there too! So watch, subscribe, and share the crap out of all this great content!
 

This month on Hooked on TJ Hooker: Romano gets shot in the head and Eric and Ben are in love with Sherry's Bar. Listen here!
 

Head on over to the Tee Public Store where we've got our new logo (and super cool variations like the one below) on-sale
 

That's gonna do it for this month's dispatch, thanks as always for your incredible support!
 

Andrew, Chris, Eric, and Steve
We Hate Movies