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The Pleasures of Hell - Chapter 001 (Patreon)

Published:
2023-09-15 17:14:06
Edited:
2023-09-16 22:02:15
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Here we go, first chapter of the new series. First chapter is double length, almost 29k words.

FEEDBACK. HIT ME. I got a huge series planned out, but it also has a lot of room for feedback. Make sure you tell me what you like or don't like.

Edit: I'm putting together a simple bestiary for patrons, with more in-depth information, descriptions, and pictures for T2+ patrons, and similar content.

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geekstyle

Great introduction to the story! The pacing and anticipation were great. A good mix between story and description. Though perhaps a little too descriptive. I skimmed through quite a bit when there were a lot of description, and had to double back a couple of times when I realized I had miss out on some parts. Though I guess it’s common to have more description when you’re introducing a foreign setting. Some thoughts I had when reading: Before Hell: - When I got through the first few scene, I was wondering how old D and M were, and which college level they were at. Freshman? Senior? Only at the autopsy then their ages were revealed. - Their initial reaction of seeing each other nude wasn’t expected. Only a few pages later it was mentioned that they had seen each other naked a few times. Perhaps it is better to mention this earlier? - Also, I’d imagine that teenagers, being curious and self-conscious, would act that way when they see each other naked. E.g. notice how their bodies had changed, whether they have hairs below or not. Or maybe I’m just the pervert. - But even if they have seen each other naked a few times, accidentally seeing each other naked is different from seeing each other naked and having a conversation like it was nothing. No checking each other’s bodies out of curiosity or no feeling self-conscious or disgusted at all? Or maybe they had other things on their mind. Still I had expected more reaction. - I thought it would be interesting to describe a little about David and Mia's life when they were still alive. E.g. their hobbies, what they like to wear, what they like to do in their spare time. How they interact with each other in their dorm, whether Mia is more casual and confident with her body like wearing around in skimpy attire, or more conservative. Whether they dated around. Also why were they still virgin if they are decently attractive? - when Mia bumped into each other David and realized they didn’t phase through, I thought that you could mention about how it felt more. Like did David’s body feel like a normal human flesh? Also, why didn’t Mia had any reaction bumping her naked body into her brother’s naked body? e.g. disgusted, warm, etc. - Being a horny naked teenager, I’d expect David to have an erection more often. Even if he had seen Mia naked a few times, I thought he would probably be aroused being in the present of a naked girl, especially if he’s a virgin. - I was hoping you’d expand more on the voyeur spying stuff in more details. E.g. David watched couples having sex or girls with their vibrator 🙊 - Was curious about whether David ejaculated when he masturbated and whether he had an orgasm. What happened to the sperm? Ghostly stain on the floor? Did the cum stain disappeared or just left there permanently? - I was curious about their senses being ghost. Besides being able to touch themselves and each other, and can talk and hear, could they smell? Could they feel the temperature and wind? Do they get cold? In Hell: - I’m surprised David didn’t get a hard-on when he saw the two demons naked. - I’m surprised by the lack of self-consciousness when David’s and Mia’s naked bodies being checked out by the demons. Like it was totally normal for them to be naked and looked at by others. - I thought it would be more interesting to show how horny Mia was when she saw the succubus. Like hardened nipples and wet? - Based on your description of Mia's kink, I'd imagine her being aroused when afraid. e.g. heart thumping, blood flowing to nether region, made her feel both afraid but also strangely aroused. - The lack of mention of smell in hell was surprising, considering there were bones and corpse. Smell of rotting flesh, organs, blood? - I thought you could show more of David’s and Mia’s personality when describing things in hell.. E.g. David is more intellectual and internalizing, while Mia is maybe more focus on senses? E.g. like how you’d describe the same scene differently when describing from Damien or Jack’s POVs. One thing I loved about MLV is the character’s internal monologue, especially Jack and Jessy. - Towards the end of the chapter, I thought it would be beneficial to build up more suspense and anticipation for the next chapter. There were a lot of new things mentioned like Adam's blood, etc, but they were just briefly mentioned with not a lot of impact. Anyhow, I'm just noting down my thoughts and comments as I read. Not sure if you find these useful. But despite these comments, great story so far and I'm excited to see how the story develops. Hope this helps!

AniNovu
>>117653816

Woke up to a novel. A lot of these the points you made about a lack of information, I'll be giving more info about in later chapters. I made sure to only lightly touch or skipped entirely because pausing the story to explain them would have slowed things down. Better to keep the curiosity and satisfy it in later chapters, IMO. Maybe a mistake for a serial series. It’s more of a technique for novels. 🤔 My original plan for Chapter 1 was something more drawn out about their time alive so I could really build up and describe the characters, but I decided against this for a more 'in media res' approach. I didn't want to bore my readers with the ‘in a quiet village’ introduction so many fantasy writers use. You'll learn more about the characters as the story goes. I’ll add to these paragraphs, as per your feedback: - “We both died of a heart attack? At the same time? We’re way too young, anyway.” Not even twenty, yet. - She followed after him, and the world blurred into a mess of colors and shades as she stepped through the shower stall wall, and into David’s back. Okay, she could collide with her brother, good to know. And he felt like normal flesh, too, alive and well. Very strange for a ghost. Mia and David are definitely more comfortable with their own nudity and each other's nudity than most people. And they aren’t into each other at all. David can’t get aroused by looking at Mia. If anything the opposite happens. I have an IRL sister, I know the feeling. I did write a spot where they noticed each other’s lack of pubic hair, though. I was tempted to write more about the spying/voyeurism, but honestly I thought it was stepping a little outside the erotic scope of the story. I didn’t notice I failed to describe smells though, that’s a good one, thanks. I’ll try and incorporate more sensory description. David and Mia are in a chronic state of shock. Being naked in Hell is very low on their ‘mental stack’ of things to think about. Same for getting horny when they do see something they like in Hell. But I’ll make sure to come back to this later. I’ll make sure the internal narration for Mia and David gets a little more unique and flavored. I thought maybe for the first chapter I wouldn’t color it too much, because you’re getting bombarded with a billion story elements. Maybe it was a mistake to keep them more neutral for the first chapter. 🤔 Thanks for the feedback, super useful.

geekstyle
>>117653816

- Regarding sharing some info of Mia and David when they were alive. It could be something like this: "She stared at her body a little more, in her favorite half-crop shirt and boyshorts. At least she died looking sexy and giving whoever found her a little show." Something like this is just a little extra words but showing her personality as someone vain and a bit of an exhibitionist. - Regarding the internal narration: I'd have preferred for them to notice, interpret and react to the same hell differently, based on their characters. Could just be very subtle things, like using different words/vocab. One extreme example is Annie from MLV. She sounded "ancient" (great job on that) I think one of your strengths as a writer is writing from different POVs. That's one of the reasons why I love MLV so much. You could describe the same thing very differently for different characters. And showing their personality without describing them (showing vs telling). e.g. ancient, vs kidd-ish vs intellectual vs stoic. Anyway, these are just my own comments from the peanut gallery so take them with a pinch of salt :)