Essence of the Speedrunner Ch.2 (Patreon)

Zelda was… confused. That was putting it lightly. Even magic, the Sheikah, and her Goddess-granted powers followed some sort of internal rule system. The things Link was doing just… didn’t. Nothing that had happened since he awoke seemed to make sense to her logic-oriented mind.

Still, it was mostly his casual disregard for the laws of reality as she understood them that had her so lost. As she watched her hero fly away from the Great Plateau, seemingly propelled by contradictory invisible forces, Zelda had to ask herself… Was Link always like this?

In a strange way, yes. Yes, he was. He always seemed to forge his own path. Even when her father assigned him to protect her, he did so with the devotion and spirit of a man who chose his fate for himself. When he had a goal in mind, there was nothing that could stop him, nothing that could be considered impossible. So in a strange way, the fact that the laws of reality were being personally broken by him to rescue her as quickly as possible made perfect sense.

She thought back to her time with the soft-spoken Champion. While initially, she wasn’t his biggest fan, his hard work and devotion to duty managed to break through her hard outer shell. A shell that was surprisingly brittle, Zelda realized now that she had the benefit of hindsight.

She’d had so much responsibility shoved upon her at such a young age. She retreated into her studies and research as a way to escape. But the shadow of prophecy always hung over her head. It made her testy and closed off from the world.

Only after Link saved her life did she begin to open back up to anything other than studying the ancient Sheikah artifacts. Only then did she begin to unlock her prophecied powers. The same powers that now allowed her to hold back the Beast of Calamity and had for so long.

If she could go back, would she do anything different? She likely would, Zelda decided. At the very least, she would trust Link more. He’d never meant her any harm. And even now, displaying such strange abilities, Zelda knew he would do everything in his power to rescue her, to bear even a fraction of her burden.

She regretted the times she had lashed out at him. Before his earnest devotion managed to get through to her, she was so caught up in her studies and research that she scorned everything else the world had to offer. And the few times Link accidentally showed her up with his natural inclination toward anything Sheikah had weighed heavily on her nerves.

Still, Link broke through her shell eventually. And from there, Zelda began to enjoy her life much more than she thought possible. With someone who cared by her side, someone like Link at that, nothing seemed impossible. Even the legendary prophecy didn’t sound so daunting.

The more time they spent together, the more Zelda’s feelings for her hero grew. They blossomed and flourished as Link was always nearby. Always a shoulder to lean on, always an ear to talk off about this or that. Those memories were the things that kept Zelda going through 100 years of holding back Calamity.

Now, with salvation so close at hand, Zelda couldn’t help but hope. With her hero’s newfound abilities and motivation, any other outcome was almost unthinkable. Link would rescue her. He would take some of her burden onto his shoulders so she may end this Calamity once and for all.

She’d just always assumed it would take longer. That she’d have to follow his journey through Hyrule from afar, hope so near and distant at the same time. That he would purge the Divine Beasts and choose new Champions and she would have to watch with a bittersweet heart as he had a whole new adventure by himself.

That… didn’t seem so likely now. Link was wasting no time. To the point that Zelda was a little bit worried that he wouldn’t be ready to face Calamity Ganon. But she couldn’t urge caution now. Even if her voice could reach him again so soon, he was already well on his way to the Calamity-stricken Castle.

All she could do was hope. With everything she’d witnessed, with everything she knew about her hero, that task was almost simple. He would save her. And then Zelda would… thank him.

Zelda would still deny it to the end of her days, but her spirit form blushed. Except it totally didn’t! Because that would be immature and utterly embarrassing and she was the Princess Who Held Back Calamity! She definitely didn’t blush at the idea of seeing her hero again and thanking him in person for everything he’d done for her!

Of course, she would also be having… words with him for worrying her so with his seeming disregard for personal safety. Honestly, using bombs as a method of travel?! It was ridiculous! Yes, Link would feel the wrath of her concern.

Putting her worries out of her mind for a moment, Zelda tried to decipher the phenomenon that Link was using to travel so quickly. It was flight but… in a way that didn’t feel like spiritual flight or any other form Zelda was familiar with, for that matter.

For one, he traveled on a constant, unchanging plane of elevation. He didn’t go up or down at all. And while he seemed to have some form of control over his direction, it was exercised in the strangest of ways.

The wiggles. Oh, how her hero wiggled. It was as if he was a fish, slicing through the air like water with each wiggle of his proverbial tail. Back and forth, back and forth, holding that Sheikah bomb in his arms as it streaked a wiggly line of blue after him. How was he even turning like that in mid-air? Where was his leverage coming from?

He zipped across the land so quickly that Zelda was sure even the fastest Ancient Arrows wouldn’t have been able to keep up. Below him, Sheikah Guardians came alert, tried to track him, and lost him almost immediately. It happened over and over again during his journey across central Hyrule. And not a single Guardian — fierce machines that could lay entire armies to ruin — was quick enough to get a shot off at him with their lasers.

The Calamity felt Link’s approach. Zelda was forced to focus on her physical form, sealed in with the ruinous beast. With a great exertion of her will, holy light flared and pushed the Calamity back. Link would pass safely into the Castle. Zelda only prayed he would continue to hurry as he had been. She didn’t know how much longer she could hold the Calamity at bay.

Reaching the Castle’s inner grounds, Link abruptly dropped the bomb he held. The action cancelled his flight and Link dared to wait until the last moment to open his new paraglider. He floated into a lower entrance to the Castle.

Link entered the Castle through the Guard’s Chambers. Even now, he was whistling while he ran. He took to the sky once more, thankfully with just the paraglider this time. Using the height to his advantage, he snuck past the idle monsters within.

A single well-placed headshot stunned the Moblin guarding the chamber. While it was stunned, Link slipped past to grab the Royal Claymore behind it. Link barely paused to put the fierce monster to rest, effortlessly decapitating it while it was still stunned.

From there, he grabbed the Moblin’s dropped weapon and whistle-sprinted up the stairs. A quick bomb rolled at the door to a side chamber, destroying the rubble that blocked the path there. Link grabbed the stash of Ancient Arrows inside.

A Lizalfo — blindingly quick Lizardmen who wanted nothing more than to prey on Hyrule’s civil population — waited at the top of the stairs as Link finished climbing into the Castle proper. Another perfectly-timed bomb distracted this monster enough for Link to sneakily cleave it in twain.

Then, Zelda blinked in surprise as Link stopped for something. Cooking? Was that really necessary? ‘Well,’ she supposed, ‘he must be hungry after sleeping for 100 years.’ Goddess knows Zelda herself still craved a good meal or two or 50…

A skewer of fish — the same fish Link had seemingly manifested from thin air — was cooked in less time than it took to blink. That… didn’t seem right. Embarrassingly, Zelda had always relied on Link to cook during their adventures together so she didn’t know for sure. But surely, it took longer to cook than a scant second or two, right?

After cooking, Link did another of those strange ‘clips’ of his. With as much thought as Zelda would give to navigating a particularly rocky slope, he stepped through the Castle’s wall. Zelda tracked his progress, marveling at this unseen, impossible side of the world.

He glided for a few moments in this space between spaces before dropping a circular bomb behind him. One of those stomach-curling ‘Boomy Zoomies’ sent him flying to land atop one of the Castle’s corridors. There, he ran along the wrong side of the ceiling before carefully aiming at something Zelda couldn’t see and performing yet another ‘Boomy Zoomy’.

‘Is…’ Zelda blinked again in surprise. She seemed to be doing that a lot. ‘Is that my apartment? Why would Link need to visit my personal chambers?’

Still, the additional evidence that he hadn’t forgotten about her was welcoming. It warmed her spiritual heart and made her intangible stomach flutter with emotion. Even her physical body felt her reaction, the seal containing her and Calamity Ganon flaring for a single flustered moment.

‘That bow?’ Zelda wondered as Link took the weapon lying over her hearth. ‘But that’s just a showpiece. Surely, he can’t mean to use it in combat?’

One last carefully aimed ‘Boomy Zoomy’ launched Link all the way to the top of the Castle. Finally, he slowed as if having a chance to breathe and entered the Sanctum.

The body of the beast wasn’t far now. Attached to the roof of the Sanctum above Link, Calamity Ganon’s cocoon pulsed with pure dark malice. Zelda’s physical form was close as well, embedded in the cocoon so she could seal the Calamity.

‘Link…’ She murmured fondly to herself before gasping in realization. ‘Oh no! The Blights of Ganon!’

Sure enough, as Link calmly entered the Sanctum, some unseen defense was triggered. Corruption and malice swirled in the air, coming together into the form of a Blight. Windblight Ganon was manifested into reality, only the first of four Link would have to face one after another since he hadn’t freed the Divine Beasts from their control.

Yet, Link seemed undaunted by the monumental task before him. He calmly nocked and fired an arrow even as the Blight formed. It flew true. Too true. The Blight was still partially manifesting as the arrow lodged itself deep within its skull. The Blight stuttered and twitched and then died as suddenly as it appeared.

‘Instant KO!’ Zelda felt further hope bloom spectacularly in her breast.

The first of four Blights was defeated before it could even come into reality. The second began to form almost immediately after. Zelda could feel Ganon’s hatred flare against her seal, surging to strike down her hero.

Waterblight Ganon towered over Link, Sheikah spear in hand in a corrupted parody of the spirit that once piloted a Divine Beast. Link would not be intimidated.

He rushed forth. The sword in his hands flashed out, carving a chunk out of the hateful Blight. He ducked into the Blight’s guard, using the long range of its spear to his advantage. Between the Blight’s arm and body, Link’s sword struck true.

‘Another one!’ Zelda cheered, her hope allowing her to continue suppressing the Calamity as it raged.

Fireblight Ganon spawned next. Link was already upon it. He spun, flaring his Royal Claymore in a wide continuous arc that wouldn’t have worked against smaller foes. Each swing and turn sliced deep into malice-based flesh. A weighty slam shook the room and the Blight with it.

Fireblight was forced to back off. Already, it activated its ability, coating its Sheikah blade with the concentrated flames of hatred. A fierce fiery shield formed around the Blight as well.

Link was prepared for the shift. He placed a bomb in the center of the chamber and waited. Fireblight teleported and roared, creating a vacuum of blazing wind that sucked everything into its flaming shield. Including the bomb.

It detonated upon contact and sent Fireblight sprawling to the ground. Link leaped onto the opportunity. His razor-sharp sword stabbed into the gap between the armored head and torso. It pierced deep and stayed there until the Blight finally stopped moving.

‘Another one!’ Zelda was on the edge of her proverbial seat.

Finally, Thunderblight Ganon appeared. Perhaps the strongest of the Blights, it combined the speed of lightning with the strength of thunder. But it was also the smallest of the four. A fact Link immediately took advantage of.

He rushed the Blight and broke its shield with powerful slashes. The Blight stumbled. Link didn’t let it recover. Even on the much smaller target, Link’s Royal Claymore was deadly accurate. It struck again and again even as the Blight struggled to regain control. Just as it finally did, Link did the unthinkable and sacrificed his weapon, throwing the giant sword to shatter against the Blight’s malice.

Zelda didn’t even have time to gasp at the daring tactic. Link’s second sword was in his hand and he was leaping at the once-again staggered Blight. Swing after swing, Link bashed the Blight with attacks that nearly drove it to the floor.

‘Another one!’ Why did Zelda feel like she was channeling an exceedingly large man who was exceedingly wealthy for no apparent reason?

Like the rest of its siblings, Thunderblight didn’t even last a minute against Zelda’s hero. Soon, it lay defeated with large portions of itself outright missing. Yet even now, Link could not rest upon a job well done.

The Calamity surged, finally breaking through Zelda’s seal with its fated enemy so close at hand. A twisted, mangled beast fell from the cocoon to land before Link. With too many limbs and a spindly body like a spider, Calamity Ganon was a disturbing sight to behold. Link looked so small, standing alone against the Calamity…

The ancient showpiece bow was drawn from Link’s back. Rusted and worn, it still somehow worked. Link nocked an Ancient Arrow and let it fly. Then another. And another. Half a dozen Ancient Arrows flew true. They slammed into the Calamity’s exposed head of malice, exploding into vortexes of volatile energy. Each one stripped away at the Calamity’s corrupted flesh.

The Calamity roared. Zelda could feel the noise in her very bones, her physical body still connected to the failing seal. Yet, she could do nothing to help Link. Not yet, at least. The Calamity was his to fight. His alone.

Doing an about-face, Link sprinted to the edge of the Sanctum. A conveniently placed bundle of bomb arrows awaited him there. Despite her recent… misgivings about trusting Link and bombs together, Zelda breathed a sigh of relief.

The bomb arrows were spent just the same as the Ancient Arrows. Each one unerringly sought the Calamity’s now-weak head and exploded in its face. It was an unending onslaught and the beast was forced to react without its sight. It fired a laser from one of its arms. Link easily dodged the attack with a calm and composed strafing movement.

Once the Bomb Arrows were spent, Link sprinted to scoop up a new weapon. Another Royal Claymore, just as conveniently placed as the Bomb Arrows, found its way into Link’s grasp. Then Link did something that would have been foolish for anyone else. From Link, however, Zelda could only cheer him on with her whole heart and soul.

Link charged the Prophecied Calamity. A beast of deadly limbs and gangly hatred, easily 40-50 times the size of Link. And yet, before Zelda’s determined and devoted hero, the Calamity managed to look small.

Another laser was charged and ready to fire. Link abruptly slung a shield off his back, his rush never faltering as he did. Zelda just about covered her eyes in horror.

‘A pot lid?!?!’ Her spirit form shrieked. ‘Oh, Goddess, I can’t watch!’

Still, the Princess peeked through the gaps in her fingers, praying with all the hope she had in her hero. The laser vaporized the air as it passed, crackling and popping sounds heralding its path. Faster than what should have been possible, Link swung his shield in a parry.

The shield, little more than a slab of junk wood, somehow won the exchange. It held strong, directing the laser back at its source. The Calamity faltered as it was struck by its own attack. Then Link was upon it again with flashing blade and vigorous ‘Hyah!’s.

From there, the battle was all but decided. Link was unstoppable. He swung and spun. His sword cut deep. The beastly Calamity was locked into a dazed cycle. Over and over, Link brought it to its knees — all six of them!

In the end, the Calamity didn’t end with a roar, but a whimper. As it did, Zelda felt the pressure on the seal fall drastically. She almost celebrated. But Link was still prepared for more. So when the core of the Calamity surged one final time, Zelda wasn’t quite caught off guard.

It still tore through the remains of the seal. But at this point, that was as much a blessing as it was a curse. Zelda was finally freed. She felt the Darkbeast flee from the Castle proper. It alighted on a field nearby, manifesting into a great colossus of rage and corruption.

A burden was lifted from Zelda’s shoulders but she knew her duty wasn’t yet done. With her newfound freedom, she took hold of her Champion and brought him before the Darkbeast Ganon. Her body was made purely spiritual to match the Darkbeast and her voice rang true in her Champion’s ears.

“Ganon was born of a dark past. He is the pure embodiment of an ancient evil that is reborn time and time again…” She intoned dramatically, only for the utter excitement of the past hour to get the better of her. “Fuck him up, Link~!”

A Bow of Light drifted down from the heavens, summoned and maintained by Zelda’s power. Zelda’s hero, her Champion, rode forth on a noble steed into glorious final combat. Wait, where did that horse come from…?

Zelda shook her head. Questions could wait. She couldn’t afford the distraction right now. But she would find out! She would pick Link’s brain clean of its secrets after this whole ordeal was finally through!

Her power highlighted weaknesses in the Darkbeast’s malice-covered form. As if already knowing where to look, Link’s aim found each one in moments. In the end, Zelda found the final confrontation between Good and Evil to be rather anticlimactic.

Not even a minute after the Darkbeast manifested, its final weakness — a True Corrupted Eye — opened in its forehead. Link jumped from his horse and took to the air using the paraglider and an updraft. A final Arrow of Light gave Zelda the opening she needed to completely annihilate Ganon’s essence.

The Darkbeast crumbled, withering to nothingness before their eyes. Zelda was freed at last. Freed from her long and weary duties. Freed to return to her physical form and see her hero in person once more.

Link was standing still as she returned to existence. He seemed to be looking inward at something. Anxiety suddenly overtook Zelda. Perhaps… perhaps he didn’t remember her after all?

“Thank you, Link,” Zelda whispered, nearly on the verge of tears. It was so good to see her hero’s face with her two eyes again. “May I ask… Do you remember me-?”

“Time,” Link suddenly called in a soft voice. “Pretty good for a first run. I can do better. And there are still other categories to run.”

“Link…?”

He turned his attention to her finally, “Oh, hey, free Spirit Princess. Yoink! Anyways, reset.”

“Link-aaAAHHHH~!” Zelda moaned something embarrassingly depraved as blissful heat and connection surged through her being and the world went black.

IIIII

In a land stricken by Calamity, a Princess held back the forces of darkness. She had done so for one hundred years. She was tired, and weary, and strained. But she would continue to do her duties for as long as it took. She hadn’t given up hope. Especially not when the time for her hero’s awakening drew so close at hand.

“Open your eyes,” Princess Zelda whispered, her voice reaching for her hero across the lands of Hyrule. “Wake up, Link.

Another Princess Zelda raged, only heard by the same Link who’d just reset, “And tell me what the Hell all that was! And why are there two of me?! And why can I feel you in my very soul?! You should have at least waited until we were married, you-… you brute~!”

Link Speedrunner paused, his second run thrown into immediate disarray, “Huh… Who knew real-life speedrunning had consequences?”