Epic of the Divine Fuck-Boy Ch.1 (Patreon)

[Tags: Fanfic? (Does Greek Mythology count?), Snippet, Smut, OP MC, SI, SI is Zeus, Myths and Legends, Gods and Goddesses, Mythical Monstergirls, Some level of hentai shenanigans, Humor/Crack, Bro-Hades (Bro-des), Hestia is still Best-ia (when she’s eventually introduced), Hera is a surprise, Usually not that serious but sometimes it might be a bit emotional/wholesome (Greek Myth Fix-its?)]

Becoming a god was a… unique experience, to say the least. I was still mostly in disbelief at what led up to this. Like, holy shit. It wasn’t every day you found yourself waking up in the body of a literal Greek God. The king of the Greek Gods, at that.

I was familiar with isekai stories and this wasn’t how they usually went. For one, I’m pretty sure I didn’t die. I just vanished from reality between one step and the next. As if I’d slipped through an invisible crack and into the Backrooms.

For another, this wasn’t a fantasy world. Or at least, not one typical of the isekai genre. I was still on Earth… mostly. Mount Olympus counted, right? Not the real Mount Olympus but its mythological counterpart. The home of the Greek Gods.

Finally, I wasn’t some random Joe. I was Zeus. That much, I knew instinctively. Whoever was responsible for my current situation was insane. Seriously, how much power would it take to incarnate someone as a literal God-King?

I suppose it didn’t matter at this point. There was no going back. Not on my own, at least. Even as Zeus, there were limitations to what I could do. And fucking with reality on such an overwhelmingly omnipotent level was one of them.

Adjusting to my new life situation was an ongoing process. I think I was in shock. At the very least, I was stuck in disbelief. I kept thinking I was walking through the most lucid dream I’d ever had. But nothing I did seemed to wake me up.

That analogy didn’t help as much as it usually would have. Oh, it’s a lucid dream. So I can… fly? Zeus could already do that. Wield shounen anime levels of power? Child’s play for the King of the Gods.

Strangely enough, the thing that proved things to my shocked mind was how mundane even a god’s existence could be. Here I was, sitting on a cloud and having a cup of tea. Well, tea infused with Ambrosia. But the sentiment was the same. It was startlingly similar to every other cup of tea I’d ever had.

Below me, an impossible mountaintop bustled to and fro with activity. Grand pavilions dotted this landscape above the clouds. Twisting streets and paths, paved with brilliant white marble, connected them. Fountains, markets, and green spaces filled the empty space. Beautiful men and women went about their day down there, lively and carefree in everything they did.

Twelve temples separated the mountaintop like the numbers on a clock. In the center, another — the grandest of them all — rose above all else. Marble pillars seemed to stretch into infinity. Even from atop my perch, I could see the twelve giant seats arranged around a humble hearth in the center of it all.

The Home of the Gods rested upon a blanket of fluffy, white clouds. They kept it apart from the mortal realm so far below. They gave the place a heavenly feeling that was entirely deserved.

Olympus was beautiful. There was no denying that. Unlike anything I’d ever seen before, I couldn’t help but stop and marvel. Here, with a cup of tea in my hand and an impossibly serene view before me, I began to settle into my new situation.

“Brother?! Can we speak?” A voice from below boomed.

Brother? I didn’t have any brothers… Oh, right. Zeus. Which meant another god was calling out to me. Hades or Poseidon. Shaking my head in awe, I called back.

“Sure. Should I come to you or do you want to come to me?”

There was an odd pause, “… I shall come before you to show the proper respects, Brother. If you would permit me.”

“Right…” Shit, how did I do that? Uh… “You’re permitted?”

I spoke and my words became reality. In a flash of lightning and thunder, someone else joined me on the cloud. He appeared as a deathly pale young man, tall, dark, and handsome. That answered the question of which brother wanted to talk to me.

I couldn’t help but chuckle at Hades, “You’ve got the goth look down pat, don’t ya, bro?”

Hades looked at me in confusion, “Goth, Brother? I don’t believe I’ve heard that term before.”

I waved him off, “Don’t worry about it. It’s a good thing. At least, in my book it is. So what’s on your mind, o’ Lord of Death?”

Hades nodded, seemingly more comfortable with the formal address, “I shall not beat around the bush for this matter is serious. I intend to marry your daughter Persephone and I wish to ask you for her hand. Demeter has rejected my every attempt to talk to her. She restricts Persephone. But as her father, you will have the final say over who Persephone weds.”

“Do you love her?” I asked.

Hades blinked, “Do I…? I don’t see how that’s relevant to our conversation, Brother.”

“But do you?” I pressed.

“I find myself quite besotted by her, yes,” Hades answered clearly, a sort of softness showing in his usually cold voice.

“And does she love you?”

“She…” Hades hesitated. “She visits me. I would like to think she returns my feelings. That only her mother keeps us apart. But I could not say for certain. It would not be right to speak for a maiden so.”

“Hmm…” I hummed, pretending to consider the request.

There wasn’t much for me to consider. I quite liked Hades and Persephone, or at least their myths and legends. But I was quickly coming to find that it was fun to string gods along and have them hang off my every word.

“Will you grant me Persephone’s hand, Brother?” Hades asked again.

“Yep~,” I broke into a wide grin. It seemed to surprise Hades just as much as my sudden, straightforward answer. “You two will make a cute couple. Go get her, bro.”

“C-Cute?! Brother, please. Have some tact,” Hades stuttered ever-so-slightly. “What of Demeter? She will surely still protest.”

I clapped him on the shoulder, chuckling, “Then it’s your job as her new son-in-law to make her accept you. Put her on her back and give her some good dick. I’m sure she hasn’t had any since me. That’s probably why she’s so grouchy about this whole thing.”

“Brother?!” Hades gaped in shock.

“Ah, ah, no refusals or denials or any of that junk,” I tutted. “It’s your duty as a good son-in-law. Also, it’s an order from your king. So what if she’s your sister as well? Fuck the bitch until she shuts up and accepts that you’re going to be marrying her daughter.”

Hades shifted uncomfortably, “… If it’s an order from the King of Gods, I suppose I can’t refuse.”

“Good man. You’ll see. It’ll be good for your relationship as well. Persephone will thank you for getting her mother off her back. And Demeter will be too mind-broken to do anything of note for a while. Should make for a quiet decade or so without her special brand of nagging.”

“Her nagging does get annoying…” Hades nodded slowly. “So much pestering about the flora in the Fields of Elysium… Very well. I shall do my part, Brother.”

“Woo~!” I cheered. “Yeah, fuck that MILF silly, bro~!”

“I do not even know what a ‘MILF’ is.”

“Mother I’d Like to Fuck,” I explained with a smirk in place on my face.

Hades looked away suddenly and I grinned. It seemed I’d made the God of Death blush. He quickly recovered and turned back to me, fixing me with a stare, “You seem… different, Brother…”

I waved off his concern and suspicion, “Ah, I’m sure it’s just another Aspect of my divinity coming in. A new Epithet. Nothing to worry about.”

“I see,” He easily accepted my excuse. “Yes, that would explain it. Mortal perceptions of us can be so fickle.”

“That’s what makes them so much fun! Join me next time I go down to the mortal realm. We’ll see if we can’t get you a new Epithet to play with as well,” I suggested with a smile.

“I’m not sure that’s such a good idea…”

“Nonsense! You may be the God of the Dead but you’re more than permitted to live a little.”

“… I shall think about it,” Hades hedged.

I shrugged, “Eh, good enough for now. I’ll break you eventually. Now, go get the goddess you love, bro! And remember: DDD!”

“I’m almost afraid to ask…” Hades hesitated. “What is DDD?”

I grinned unrepentantly, “Dick Down Demeter. DDD good!”

Hades sighed, “I shall try, Brother.”

“Good, ‘cause if you aren’t thorough enough, I may have to come in and do your job for you. Actually… maybe save a bit for me? Demeter is a fertility goddess, after all. And it’s been too long since I had a slice of MILF pie~”

“Goodbye, Brother,” Hades deadpanned. “And please, think of Hera.”

“I always think of Hera!” I called after him as he turned to leave.

Hades stopped, turned, and gave me the deadest of deadpan stares. And considering he was God of the Dead… Deadpan Stare was super effective! I couldn’t keep up my act and burst into thundering laughter. Hades rolled his eyes and stepped off my cloud perch, plummeting unceremoniously to Mount Olympus below.

By the time I managed to get the thunder to stop, I was wiping raindrop-tears of humor from my eyes. Fuck, that was fun. It made me forget about all the shock and stress of being isekai’d like this.

In fact, it seemed like a good way to cope with my new situation. The gods seemed to have let their power and pride go to their heads. As Humanized as the Greek Myths made them seem, they were still ‘higher beings’. They were stuffy and stuck up.

And I was going to make it my job to mess with them. Perhaps a bit of mythological tragedy could be avoided if I got all of the Olympians to pull the sticks out of their asses. Even if that didn’t work, it seemed like a lot of fun.

Myths rewritten! Legends retold! Bedding women and cucking men, a grand comedy in motion! Look out, Olympus! Look out, Ancient Greece! The Divine Fuck-Boy is here, Zeus Comeidia!