THG: 1.5.5 Parahumans Online (Patreon)

Preface

So much of the shit that happened deserves PHO that I'm just going to crunch things down. It really should be a lot longer than it is, but I can only emulate you forum degenerates for so long without losing IQ points.

As always, everything is Aria's fault. Why do Singapore noodles taste like knockoff Hong Kong noodles? Because Aria.

Why is soggy leaf water so much worse than the glory of roasted, creamy beans? Because Aria.

Why is Brenda thirsty for Max's dick? Because Ar-Actually, that one's the toaster-fucker's fault.

So never mind, only most things are Aria's fault.

Parahumans Online 1.5.5

John Soprano

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Topic: Long Live the Queen
In: Boards ► United States ► New England ► Brockton Bay ► General
Bagrat (Original Poster) (Veteran Member) (The Guy in the Know)
Posted On Apr 1st 2011:
Alright, I know what this sounds like so I'm going to preempt the obvious: This is not an April Fool's joke.

Sad to say, but Brockton Bay isn't exactly the home of culinary culture. Good luck finding a biergarten that isn't low-key supporting the Nazis. Asian food? Forget about it. Pan-Asian gang means pan-Asian fronts. Hispanic? Jamaican? Ethiopian? Well, they get harassed by all sides. Barring a few of the spots near the Boardwalk where the PRT patrol most frequently, there really aren't too many dining options.

That changed the other day when the [Holy Grill] opened. It's located just off the Boardwalk, not too far from the patrol routes. It's a Texas barbeque spot that's run by this guy named John Soprano, no relation to The Sopranos, trust me, I checked. I know that southern barbeque isn't quite what we think of as culture, but damn if it doesn't hit the spot.

Anyway, the Holy Grill's not affiliated with a gang so there's that. Even better, the barbeque is phenomenal. It's literally the best I've had in the city, maybe the best I've had anywhere. I'm not the only one who thinks so because the reviews are through the roof. The brisket is juicy, the burnt ends are crisp, and the sauce is to die for.

"Yeah, good for you, Bagrat, but since when did you become a food blogger?" you ask? Well, I'm not, though I think I could make a good show of it. No, the real reason I'm writing this post is because of [this].

If you're confused, that is indeed a sword in the ground. That's the restaurant's gimmick. The whole place is themed like the inside of a castle. More specifically, Camelot. Which makes that sword Caliburn, one of the legendary swords of King Arthur.

I know, I know, the sign is dumb. It's cute but nothing to write home about, right? Probably an ornate sword bolted to the ground?

Wrong. Heroes have tried to pull it before. [Assault] failed. So did [Armsmaster]. [Repeatedly]. Seriously, it's getting kinda sad now. [Here's] him with some kind of muscle suit that makes him look like a gorilla. And [here's] him using some kind of anti-magnetic thing to lift it.

If it was just that, it would have remained a curiosity, just a fun little distraction while I gorged myself on Soprano's brisket. Have I mentioned how good that is yet?

Well, today, something happened. [Vista], our littlest Ward, pulled the sword. A light from heaven shone down, removing all doubt in my mind. The owner is a cape and he just gave Vista a tinkertech item.

Discuss.

Edit: No need to worry, everyone. I have it on good authority that Armsmaster and Dragon worked together to confirm its safety. The sword is harmless.

Edit 2: Okay, definitely not harmless because [it's also a gun]. Seriously, what the hell?

Edit 3: Vista can [split the fucking sea] apparently. The shaker-nine is now a blaster-YES. And apparently a magical girl too. I'm so glad Soprano gave his sword to a hero, even if it probably should have gone to someone more... mature...

Edit 4: We have a name for John Soprano: Kingmaker.

Edit 5: It's not Kingmaker. He rejects all cape names and denies affiliation with all parties. He does not act in a cape capacity and so does not have a cape name. Any attempt to call him Kingmaker may result in you getting stabbed (his words, not mine).

(Showing page 1 of 2)

►XxVoid_CowboyxX
Replied On Apr 1st 2011:
First!

►Acree
Replied On Apr 1st 2011:
Wow, that's a doozy of a post, [Bagrat]. I think we can all agree though.

Long live the queen.

►Chaosfaith
Replied On Apr 1st 2011:
[Long live the queen].

►Ekul
Replied On Apr 1st 2011:
Long live the queen.

►White Fairy (Veteran Member)
Replied On Apr 1st 2011:
lol May as well jump on the bandwagon. Long live the queen.

But [Chaosfaith] Why did you attach the meme of Mufasa dying to it?

►Chaosfaith
Replied On Apr 1st 2011:
Because Kaiser, duh. The Empire shall crumble. From its ashes a new, holy kingdom shall arise!

Long live the queen!

►Bagrat (Original Poster) (Veteran Member) (The Guy in the Know)
Replied On Apr 1st 2011:
Yeah, let's not incite a gang war in my thread. Still, [Vista] does look really adorable with her shiny, new sword.

►Brocktonite03 (Veteran Member)
Replied On Apr 1st 2011:
lmao Poor Armsmaster. he's never going to recover from this. He'll forever be reminded of the shit he went through to pull that sword out of the ground, only for Vista to just kinda... stroll over and pick it up...

Hey, are we sure she didn't bend space to make the hole bigger? She can do that, right?

►Valkyr (Wiki Warrior)
Replied On Apr 1st 2011:
Info I have of her power says yes. Still hilarious. RIP, Armsmaster's dignity.

►Chaosfaith
Replied On Apr 1st 2011:
RIP.

►Ekul
Replied On Apr 1st 2011:
How do we know that the tinkertech isn't some kind of Trojan horse? Maybe the owner is a master and using it to take over the Wards?

►Procto the Unfortunate Tinker (Not a tinker)
Replied On Apr 1st 2011:
That's probably not the case? He would have tried to master Armsmaster, not Vista in that case. Not unless you think he's some kind of pedo-tinker-Heartbreaker.

►Brilliger (Moderator: Protectorate Main)
Replied On Apr 1st 2011:
Nope. Shutting that down here. You can speculate about powers, but don't insinuate someone is a rapist, especially a child rapist. That's all kinds of fucked up.

►Procto the Unfortunate Tinker (Not a tinker)
Replied On Apr 1st 2011:
Yeah, sorry, I was just trying to make a point. If he was a tinker who could make master items, it would make more sense for him to go after the leader of the Protectorate, not a Ward with zero authority.

►Bagrat (Original Poster) (Veteran Member) (The Guy in the Know)
Replied On Apr 1st 2011:
You can stop guessing now. I've got [reports] saying the sword is not harmful in any way. Neither is his [food] in case any of you were wondering. It's just a really good sword. And really great barbeque. I've edited the original post to reflect this.

Now that my worries are put to rest, I'm going to eat more brisket. And the honey biscuit is really good too.

►White Fairy (Veteran Member)
Replied On Apr 3rd 2011:
[Bagrat], I summon thee!

►Bagrat (Original Poster) (Veteran Member) (The Guy in the Know)
Replied On Apr 3rd 2011:
Yeah? What?

►White Fairy (Veteran Member)
Replied On Apr 3rd 2011:
Have you seen [this]? Because our pitmaster extraordinaire just showed off what he could do. By wiping the floor with Krieg, both twins, and like a dozen guys.

And made ALL THE MOOLAH.

►Noveltry
Replied On Apr 3rd 2011:
Wow, holy shit. I think I'm in love. What a flex.

►Brocktonite03 (Veteran Member)
Replied On Apr 3rd 2011:

Careful, your gold-digger is showing.

►Noveltry
Replied On Apr 3rd 2011:
Hey, screw you! That wasn't about money. He just told Krieg that he could buy out the Empire on a whim. That's a fucking power move.

►Bagrat (Original Poster) (Veteran Member) (The Guy in the Know)
Replied On Apr 3rd 2011:
Wow. Updating.

►Valkyr (Wiki Warrior)
Replied On Apr 3rd 2011:
Same. God, he's going to be such a wanted man now. In so many senses of the word.

►XxVoid_CowboyxX
Replied On Apr 3rd 2011:
So, how much is that?

End of Page. 1

(Showing page 2 of 2)

►Ekul
Replied On Apr 3rd 2011:
For once, I agree with Void. Someone do the math. I'm curious.

►NapkinMath (Veteran Member)
Replied On Apr 3rd 2011:
Well, judging by [this] listing of gold in the stock exchange, and the estimated weight he unloaded, it's easily over $3.4M by itself. You think that's a lot? The paintings he copied are hilariously expensive. For example, the Mona Lisa is estimated as being worth [$860M].

So you might not have been far off. Soprano might actually be able to buy out the Empire if he wanted, and if Kaiser could be bribed.

►Answer Key
Replied On Apr 3rd 2011:
True, but remember, things like the Mona Lisa are rare because they're unique. The copy, even assuming it's perfectly identical, lacks the historical significance and would be worth a fraction of a fraction of that sticker price.

►NapkinMath (Veteran Member)
Replied On Apr 3rd 2011:
Point. But it's still hilarious to think about. The man left behind tens of millions of dollars on the ground at a conservative estimate.

►Bagrat (Original Poster) (Veteran Member) (The Guy in the Know)
Replied On Apr 6th 2011:
Well, enough about money. This is a cape thread, guys. And Vista just [cut the sea in half]. She's also a magical girl now lol.

"Show me the direction of hope! Caliburn!" -Vista, 2011

I think you need to up his ratings, [Valkyr].

►Valkyr (Wiki Warrior)
Replied On Apr 6th 2011:
Yeah, I do. I'm going with tinker, trump, and shaker. I'm still trying to decide on the exact numbers but it's safe to say we have a new powerhouse in the city.

On another note, how do we know that the sword doesn't need an activation phrase to use its full power like Vista did? In which case, did Soprano code in the most magical girl-y phrase just to troll her?

►Bagrat (Original Poster) (Veteran Member) (The Guy in the Know)
Replied On Apr 6th 2011:
The PRT has a name for him: Kingmaker.

And yes, I think he did program that in. I mean, to be fair, it does go well with the holy sword aesthetic of his tinkertech. I guess we know why it had to be a little girl who picked it up. I mean, imagine if Armsmaster was forced to shout that at the top of his lungs.

Actually, I'd pay to see that.

►Pitmaster Soprano (Verified Cape)
Replied On Apr 6th 2011:
Just got verified.

I don't. I am not a cape. I do not engage in cape activities, heroic or villainous. Ergo, I do not warrant a cape name. Anyone who calls me Kingmaker will get stabbed.

Armsmaster will never be worthy of Caliburn. You guys act like I had a choice, but the sword chooses the wielder. And no, "How good would she look while shouting the catchphrase," is not one of its criteria.

*User has received an infraction. Please don't make threats.*

►Bagrat (Original Poster) (Veteran Member) (The Guy in the Know)
Replied On Apr 6th 2011:
Woah, the man himself! I have a few questions.

►Antigone
Replied On Apr 6th 2011:
lol I think we all do.

►Pitmaster Soprano (Verified Cape)
Replied On Apr 6th 2011:
Fine, I'll open up another thread to do an AMA.

[Here] it is.

End of Page. 1, 2

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Topic: I own the Holy Grill. AMA.
In: Boards ► United States ► New England ► Brockton Bay ► General
Pitmaster Soprano (Original Poster) (Verified Cape)
Posted On Apr 6th 2011:
Alright, here I am. AMA.

(Showing page 1 of 2)

►Bagrat (Veteran Member) (The Guy in the Know)
Replied On Apr 6th 2011:
Nice. I'm happy to kick things off: Is Caliburn the only thing you've made? Or are the weapons in your restaurant all tinkertech too?

►Pitmaster Soprano (Original Poster) (Verified Cape)
Replied On Apr 6th 2011:
They're all Noble Phantasms. They are called such because they are crystalized legends, each from heroes of ages past.

►Answer Key
Replied On Apr 6th 2011:
Sweet, you gave them names. I mean, kinda cringey in a "black flame dragon of the end" sorta way, but I guess calling them Noble Phantasms isn't bad.

So... What do they do? What other legends have you been inspired by?

►Reave (Verified PRT Agent)
Replied On Apr 6th 2011:
We would like to request that you come in for power testing.

►WagTheDog
Replied On Apr 6th 2011:
Is there some kind of special field around your store? You should be swarmed by gang members and recruiters. Or at least people who want you to make them stuff.

►Pitmaster Soprano (Original Poster) (Verified Cape)
Replied On Apr 6th 2011:
[Answer Key]: They do a lot of things. Listing every single Noble Phantasm and their respective powers would take ages. You'd need an entire wiki dedicated to them and the legends they represent. Keep in mind that this isn't an exhaustive list.

In no particular order, they grant immortality, negate powers, ignore brute ratings, shoot lasers, rewrite causality, destroy the world... You know, normal magic weapon things.

Basically, if you can think of a legendary hero, or even an anti-hero, in mythology who has wielded a noteworthy item, be it a sword, shield, arrow, or even an oar, you can be assured I have something to that effect. I am very well versed in myths and legends.

[Reave]: You're always free to visit my shop... wait... XD

[WagTheDog]: Yes. I'm glad you guys figured it out. People who bear certain intentions cannot approach my store. Those who consider it will find themselves compelled to do something else, such as remembering your stove is on at the last second. How? Don't worry about it.

►Mac's Dual Rocket Propelled Grenades
Replied On Apr 6th 2011:
Woah, that's a whole lot to unpack. I don't know how to feel about this. Like, I'm pretty sure you're joking about "grant immortality" thing, but then again, said laser cleaved the fucking ocean in half.

Dude, what were you thinking giving a weapon like that to a tween girl?

►Pitmaster Soprano (Original Poster) (Verified Cape)
Replied On Apr 6th 2011:
I gave Vista nothing. Caliburn chooses its wielder, and I mean that literally. The sword rejected all others and chose her. That's all there is to it. You can believe me or not, but in the end, she was worthy. Worthier than Assault. Worthier than Armsmaster. Worthier than anyone else in the city who fancies themselves a king-to-be.

►Mac's Dual Rocket Propelled Grenades
Replied On Apr 6th 2011:
Still weird as shit, man. Do you have any plans to give out any other WMDs?

►Reave (Verified PRT Agent)
Replied On Apr 6th 2011:
Yes, [Pitmaster Soprano]. We would be very interested in hearing your answer.

►Point_Me_At_The_Sky
Replied On Apr 6th 2011:
Wait, hold up. If you're pulling the "sword chooses its wielder" thing, does that mean if a villain pulled the sword, you would have let them walk out with it? What the hell?

►Pitmaster Soprano (Original Poster) (Verified Cape)
Replied On Apr 6th 2011:
[Mac's Dual Rocket Propelled Grenades]: I'm thinking about it. Maybe next time, I'll hold a contest or something. Not all weapons are as choosy as Caliburn after all. I'll likely have more say with the next giveaway, if I do one at all.

[Point_Me_At_The_Sky]: Sure. If a villain pulled Caliburn, I would have given them the sword. Hypothetically, if Lung pulled the sword, it would have been his. Caliburn is perfectly capable of choosing its own wielder and I trust its judgment. The damn thing's actually pickier than I am.

And no, Vista did not enlarge the hole via her power. That's not possible where Caliburn is concerned. No magnets, no brute strength, no object teleportation, no wormholes, no spatial manipulation, no nothing. Nada. You can't cheat your way out of Caliburn's judgment, that much I can guarantee.

►Point_Me_At_The_Sky
Replied On Apr 6th 2011:
That's so fucked up. You need to join the heroes before you get hurt. Do you have any idea what a massive target you've painted on yourself?

►Pitmaster Soprano (Original Poster) (Verified Cape)
Replied On Apr 6th 2011:
Hilarious. I'll take my chances, Victoria. Yes, I know it's you.

*User has received an infraction. Don't out people, even if they're outed capes. That's her private account so let her have it. We practice the unwritten rules here.*

►Brilliger (Moderator: Protectorate Main)
Replied On Apr 6th 2011:
Okay... I'm going to ask something before this turns into a shouting match. For the record though, I agree with Sky. You really should join the heroes, [Pitmaster Soprano].

On a related note, would you be willing to talk with us about any future "wielders?"

►XxVoid_CowboyxX
Replied On Apr 7th 2011:
Do your projections last forever? Because if so, pretty please, can I have a magic sword? And fifty pounds of gold?

►Pitmaster Soprano (Original Poster) (Verified Cape)
Replied On Apr 7th 2011:
[Brilliger]: Maybe. I haven't even decided to give anything out yet. And no, I really don't need protection. You PRT mooks can stop DMing me. Anyone attempting to accost me while I'm out of the store will suffer.

[XxVoid_CowboyxX]: Yes, they're forever. No, money really doesn't mean anything to me. I just happen to like being a chef. No, I'm not going to give you shit.

Edit: No, I really don't care about the unwritten rules. Clearly. I happen to agree with Sarah Pelham: Heroes do need more accountability and villains shouldn't be able to hide behind a mask. In the end, her ideal isn't wrong, Fleur's death notwithstanding.

►Bagrat (Veteran Member) (The Guy in the Know)
Replied On Apr 7th 2011:
Wow, that's a lot to unpack in not so many words.

I think this is the first time in years that a cape willingly took on New Wave's ideology. Does this mean you're going to think about joining them?

►Brocktonite03 (Veteran Member)
Replied On Apr 6th 2011:
Guys, let's ask something that isn't cape related since he said he's technically not a cape and all. [Bagrat] wouldn't stop raving about your food and I finally went to visit. Holy shit is that stuff good.

What's even in the Tohsaka Special hot sauce? I've never had anything like it before.

►Chaosfaith
Replied On Apr 7th 2011:
Heh, may as well. What's your favorite menu item? And will you do an eating challenge like the Challenger at Fugly Bob's?

►Pitmaster Soprano (Original Poster) (Verified Cape)
Replied On Apr 7th 2011:
[Bagrat]: No, I'm never going to join New Wave. They're too vulnerable. People would target them to annoy me and then I'd have to escalate by wiping the east coast off the map. No one wants that. Besides, I'm not a hero, just a dude with a BBQ hobby.

[Brocktonite03]: The Tohsaka Special, named for the spiciest god-digging Japanese bitch I know, has many of the same spices as you'd find in traditional Szechuan-style mapo tofu. She really liked Chinese food and I respect her enough to name the sauce after her.

[Chaosfaith]: My favorite menu item? I'm Texan. Brisket, obviously. It's the heart and soul of Texas barbeque. Everything else is window dressing compared to that.

As for an eating challenge... You know, you're not wrong. I should make one. We'll call that the Artoria Special, named for the most badass blonde I know. After all, "Hunger is the enemy."

►Bagrat (Veteran Member) (The Guy in the Know)
Replied On Apr 8th 2011:
Well, since this thread is still open, how do you feel about [this], [Pitmaster Soprano]? Any thoughts about the local cape scene?

►Pitmaster Soprano (Original Poster) (Verified Cape)
Replied On Apr 8th 2011:
Sure. I don't mind if people keep asking questions. Don't expect regular replies, busy running a restaurant and all, but I'll check in a few times a day.

Ah, Lung got taken out, huh? Well, I wouldn't trust the headlines. [Armsmaster_Official], know that I lost what little respect I had for you. Go fuck yourself. You know what you did.

►Answer Key
Replied On Apr 8th 2011:
Wait, what? What did Armsmaster do? He took down Lung. That's a huge deal. Unless you think it'll destabilize the city or something?

End of Page. 1

(Showing page 2 of 2)

►Pitmaster Soprano (Original Poster) (Verified Cape)
Replied On Apr 8th 2011:
Definitely not. Lung deserves to get his dick eaten by cockroaches then mauled to death by rhino-sized lizard-dogs. Halbeard's just an annoying glory hound, that's all.

►Bagrat (Veteran Member) (The Guy in the Know)
Replied On Apr 8th 2011:
That's... an oddly specific description... Want to clarify that?

►Pitmaster Soprano (Original Poster) (Verified Cape)
Replied On Apr 8th 2011:
I could. Then again, I like knowing things. The concentrated smug gives me the warm and fuzzies inside.

Oh, wow… I now know why Lisa does what she does…

►Bagrat (Veteran Member) (The Guy in the Know)
Replied On Apr 14th 2011:
Okay! Reopening this thread! I've also made a [discussion thread] regarding the bank robbery.

More importantly, [Pitmaster Soprano], since when are you a thinker? Cameras saw you in the bank. Nobody took you hostage. You literally walked into the bank in the middle of Tattletale, bug girl, Glory Girl, and Panacea squaring off, told them off, blocked some bullets with magic knives and spears and shit, and then... [whatever the fuck this was].

EXPLAIN PLEASE.

►Acree
Replied On Apr 14th 2011:
Woah, holy shit. Did that weird hat-lady come out of a hole in thin air?

►Bagrat (Veteran Member) (The Guy in the Know)
Replied On Apr 14th 2011:
Yup. And she adjusted her hat to perfectly shadow her face. I'm going to assume a really high-level mover, maybe with a thinker power built into her kit.

►White Fairy (Veteran Member)
Replied On Apr 14th 2011:
Wow. Did he just... not arrest anyone?

►Point_Me_At_The_Sky
Replied On Apr 14th 2011:
No! He just yelled at the villains. And then made Tattletale shoot him (to no effect). Apparently he's a thinker who knows everyone's secret identities.

And bug girl is a hero...? At least, that's what he said. She's supposed to be in deep cover or something. Like, what the fuck?

►Answer Key
Replied On Apr 14th 2011:
Wait, what? The girl who put BLACK WIDOWS on people is a hero?

►Point_Me_At_The_Sky
Replied On Apr 14th 2011:
I know, right? But they surrendered afterwards and we cleaned up outside. It was seriously uncanny.

►Bagrat (Veteran Member) (The Guy in the Know)
Replied On Apr 14th 2011:
We'd love to hear anything else you have to say, Victoria.

►Point_Me_At_The_Sky
Replied On Apr 14th 2011:
They won't tell me anything! It's super frustrating. The Undersiders got taken in and then everything got classified to hell and back.

►Answer Key
Replied On Apr 15th 2011:
Wait, could it have something to do with [this]? A new Ward just got announced.

►Reave (Verified PRT Agent)
Replied On Apr 15th 2011:
Not really supposed to say much, but I can confirm that the new Ward was not at the bank. She's unrelated to the robbery.

►Pitmaster Soprano (Original Poster) (Verified Cape)
Replied On Apr 15th 2011:
Don't lie, [Reave]. Only I can do that, and only if I think it's funny. She's very related. Though I can confirm that Delphi was not at the bank.

Yes, I have thinker powers. No, I didn't do anything at the bank, guys. What you see on camera is really all I did there. I went in, scolded two young ladies who really should be making better life choices, and then left.

Everything else was hat-lady's fault. She works with the PRT, though no one from the local branch. We have an understanding. That's all I'll say on the matter.

►Bagrat (Veteran Member) (The Guy in the Know)
Replied On Apr 15th 2011:
Well... That's ominous…

►Point_Me_At_The_Sky
Replied On Apr 15th 2011:
I'm going to your store so I can demand answers.

►Pitmaster Soprano (Original Poster) (Verified Cape)
Replied On Apr 15th 2011:
I think you left your stove on.

Ciao~

End of Page. 1, 2

Author's Note

Nope. Got nothing. I'm pretty sure I messed up the dates somewhere but meh. Please ignore the inconsistencies as this really isn't a serious story.

Anyway, I'm really done now. The table's been flipped, arc 1 is over, and I'll return to this when I feel like doing something especially stupid again. I hope you enjoyed these few chapters. I'm glad I got through the first(only?) arc before Christmas.

Fun fact? I've got nothing so have some Christmas-themed jokes instead:

Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist?
He sold his soul to Santa.

Why does the snowman smile?
Because the snowblower is coming down the street.

Why did the Grinch rob a liquor store?
Because he was looking for some holiday spirit.

It's a good thing I'm a writer huh? Because I sure as shit shouldn't do standup. I'll see myself out.

Merry Christmas and a happy New Year everyone!