Captain Morgan 2 (Patreon)

The Adventures of Captain Morgan 2

Morgan Olsen

The light faded and I was able to take stock again. The voidling was… still here, actually. My “anointing” didn’t change that. It had simply been blown away a few feet. It looked dazed, as much as a weird, spider-monster could look anything, but was otherwise fine.

What changed was me. I felt like a new man, perhaps because I was. The wounds I’d sustained trying to wrestle a voidling as a child were gone and I knew that my skin would be blemish free if I bothered to check.

My tattered basketball shorts and t-shirt were gone, replaced by an elaborate, white outfit with blue and gold accents.

In a word, I looked like a pirate. I looked like Jack Sparrow, if his outfit had been bleached white. I wore a long waistcoat with wide cuffs reaching halfway up my forearms and gold clasps. It was a pristine white that faded into blue towards the bottom.

Beneath that, I found myself wearing a similarly white, tight-fitting shirt. Though it clung to my body, it felt sturdy, comfortable yet thick enough to support a crystalline center in the shape of a skull and crossbones.

I also had on a thick, navy sash in lieu of a belt and wide, airy trousers that faded into a blue gradient, much like my coat. From it hung three weights. Two were obvious, a pair of white hand-axes with wicked-sharp edges made of the same, navy, gem-like material I saw on my clothes. The other was a gourd that hung from my left hip.

The ridiculous outfit was literally capped off with a blue cavalier hat. The wide brim just slightly cast a shadow over my eyes.

“I look like detergent-Sparrow,” I groaned, “like Dread Pirate Roberts fucked a blow-up doll made of powdered sugar.”

“Move, you idiot!” Jack shouted.

I was too caught up staring at my stupid outfit to notice that the voidling had recovered. It let out a wailing, rasping shriek before lunging for my face.

I couldn’t dodge. To dodge was to let the two boys behind me take the hit. I did the only thing I could think of. I punched the voidling as hard as I could.

To my surprise, I felt its carapace shatter against my newly enhanced strength. I sent it skipping like a stone on a calm lake. It might well have been the single most satisfying thing I’d ever done in either lives. Losing my virginity wasn’t as good as breaking that fucker.

“Don’t celebrate yet, that shriek was a call for reinforcements,” Jack warned as he hopped onto my shoulder.

“What do I do?” I asked, slightly panicked. I wasn’t sure if I could handle getting zerg-rushed by what amounted to dimension-crabs.

“You have axes! Use them!”

So I did.

I drew my weapons and fought like a man possessed. Which is to say, like a complete idiot. I immediately ran into a rather important problem, namely that I’d never fought anyone in my life.

Never mind how to dual-wield a pair of clearly enchanted axes, I didn’t even know how to brace my footing, keep up a guard, or any of the other things people probably learned from even the most pathetic McDojos. Violence definitely wasn’t something I grew up with.

Thankfully, axes were idiot-proof. All I had to do was keep my feet firmly planted on the ground and swing. The glowing, blue gems shone brilliantly as I allowed myself to fall into an uneasy rhythm. They parted voidling bodies like they didn’t exist. I felt like I was ripping through tofu.

I didn't know how many I killed, but when I next came to, I was positively caked in their blood. More of my outfit was purple than white at this point. I stood there, panting in exhaustion, terrified for my future. Voidlings were… They were the goombas of the Void, the disposable minions that spawned in countless numbers. That I felt so tired after killing a handful of them did not bode well for my life expectancy.

“Not bad, a little sloppy, but I guess this wasn’t a bad showing for your first time,” my minder said. He looked smug, and why wouldn’t he be? He had his Star Guardian.

I flipped him off. “The kids. What happened to them?”

“I hypnotized them and sent them packing. I’ve also altered memories and local video cameras so no one will remember your transformation. You’re welcome by the way.”

“You can do that? No, of course you can. That’s practically magical mascot 101.”

“Who’s a mascot, huh? I’m your Star Conduit, dingus!”

“Yeah? Because I’d trade you in for a half-off coupon at Noodle BIll’s ramen stall.”

“You’re such a pain. Why can’t you admit you’re meant for greater things? You’re a Star Guardian now, whether you like it or not.”

I looked down at myself, at the tacky, white pirate outfit. “What if I don’t want to be a Star Guardian? That sounds like too much responsibility to be dumping on a twelve year old.”

“You have to, Morgan. I’m not the only one who can feel the Light inside of you. Every Star Guardian is exactly that, a star. You shine like a beacon to those who are sensitive to it. The Void will seek you out, whether you want it or not.”

“I… Look at me, Jack. I’m exhausted after fighting a few voidlings. I can’t fight anything stronger.”

“You can. I believe in you. I wouldn’t have been called to you otherwise,” he said. “Come on, Morgan. Let’s go home, before the cops get here.”

X

The next day, Calico Jack and I stood on the roof of Valoran Middle School. I couldn’t think of anywhere else to go to practice my definitely-not-magical-girl powers. With a few weeks til the fall semester, the school was abandoned anyway.

“Okay, we’re here,” I told my new bunny. “Now what?”

“Now, we learn more about your powers.”

“What's there to learn? I have axes. You want me to sign up for martial arts classes or something?”

“It’s not that simple. The First Star’s blessings are never that one-dimensional. You can buy a pair of axes from a novelty shop. There’s no way that’s all.”

“Well, I might have to sign up for those lessons anyway because I don’t know how to use axes, or fight at all for that matter.”

“No need. An intuitive mastery of your weapons is part of the package. What? Did you think you survived yesterday by flailing around hopelessly?”

“I mean… kinda?”

“You know how to fight. That mastery will grow with time, but a general familiarity with your weapons is part of the starter pack.”

I nodded. He wasn’t wrong. Give a kid, or an adult for that matter, two hatchets and set them against monsters from the void; of course they’d get eaten alive. Maybe my berserk flailing wasn’t quite so directionless after all.

There was a problem though. I looked at the bunny, then back down at myself. I was in streetwear, jeans with a faded Pentakill t-shirt, a band Uncle Brolaf was a part of. There wasn’t a streak of white or puff of glitter in sight.

“That sounds great and all, Jack, but I have no idea how to use my powers. How do I, you know, transform? This job doesn’t come with a transformation sequence, does it?”

“Lean into your wish.”

“My wish? What wish? I get wishes for this?”

“You do. When I anointed you, what was the thought that ran through your mind? For many it’s the desire to protect. For others, it’s the desire to destroy the void creatures in front of them. A desire to survive, to heal, there are as many wishes as there are stars.”

“So I just… think of that wish?”

“Yes. Look inside yourself and you will find the Light of the First Star. Reach for it. Grasp it and remember your reason to fight.”

“Ah… About that…” I trailed off sheepishly. When he put it that way, he made this all sound so noble. Maybe this was why the First Star tended to pick kids? “My wish wasn’t… any of those…”

“What was it?”

“You want me to be honest?”

“Yes, every wish is special. So long as you hold it dear to you, you’ll find the strength to carry on.”

“Booze…”

“What?” he asked, voice flat like a robot. 

“Booze. I wished I had a stiff drink, alright?” I said, face flushing.

“You… You were dying and you wanted… alcohol?”

“I didn’t expect to survive! I’m a stress-drinker! I drink when I’m stressed! And I was pretty fucking stressed!”

“I don’t believe this.”

“Hey, it’s your fault for not explaining any of this shit to me.”

“Oh, it’s my fault?”

“Yes! If I’d known, I would have wished for something good! Like a recipe book full of bunnies!”

“You are insufferable!” Calico Jack cried. “Gah! I can’t believe my first Guardian is a Star-damned alcoholic!”

I groaned and leaned against the wall. Slowly, I slid down until I was seated next to the rooftop access. “Ugh, now what? Do I get… booze powers…? What does that even mean?”

“How should I know? This has never happened before! Just… Just grasp your wish again or something. How are you an alcoholic? You aren’t even old enough to drink!”

“Past life, remember? Okay, let’s see… I wish I had a bottle of rum…”

It was nonsensical. It shouldn’t have worked. The First Star was supposed to be all that was good and pure in the universe. It was the Light of Creation, the reason this universe existed at all.

Well, the First Star had a very different definition of “good and pure” from humans because the legal drinking age clearly didn’t factor into its consideration. It worked. My wish created a white and blue gourd that popped into my hand.

I uncorked it and brought it to my nose. After giving it a good sniff, I brought it to my lips and sighed with contentment. “Yup, that’s rum alright.”

Calico Jack buried his head in his paws. “This has got to be the dumbest wish anyone’s ever made on the First Star.”

“Hey, I have the wishing do-dad now, right? What do I do with it?” I took another sip. God, this was the best rum I’d ever had, past life included. “I mean, besides the obvious.”

“You transform. Take it. Think of your wish. Then recite the words that come to mind.”

“Umm… Shit… There’s a transformation sequence, isn’t there?”

“No, of course not,” Jack said, back leg thumping merrily.

“You’re lying.”

“I’m a Star Conduit. I don’t lie.”

“Your foot’s making thumping noises.”

He glanced at his hind leg, pointedly stilled it, then looked up at me with a flat expression. “No it’s not.”

“Nope. Not doing this.”

“You’re going to be targeted by the Void.”

“I don’t care. I’ll just go out plastered.”

“Morgan!”

“I don’t wanna be a magical girl!”

“You’re still a boy!”

“This is humiliating.”

“Star Guardians don’t age. You’ll be short and cute forever. You may as well get used to it.”

“Shut up.”

“You have powers. It’s time you learn to use them.”

“Ugh, fine.” I resigned myself to further humiliation. The gourd responded to my intent, glowing with a soft, blue light. I raised it to my lips once more and drank. Unbidden, spellwords danced on my tongue. “Starlight, shine bright!”

I felt myself get lifted into the air via star magic. My clothes evaporated off me like glitter, hopefully providing some token nod to modesty. I wasn’t even done and I wanted to kill myself in shame.

Over my shoulders, I felt my shirt and cloak settle in place, gradually taking form with a shower of azure sparks. The trail of sparks followed my limbs until they coalesced around my feet to form a pair of sturdy boots. My cavalier hat was the last thing to form. It started with a tingling on top of my head that felt a little like holding a staticky balloon to raise my hair.

The light soon faded and I landed back on the roof again, but my body still wasn’t my own. I twirled, dipped my hat with my left hand, and pointed at Calico Jack with my right. I even clicked my tongue and gave him what probably passed for a roguish smirk.

“Star Guardian Morgan is here to–” I caught myself before I could finish. “NO! Fuck no! What the hell?”

“Ahahaha! You’re the kind of guy who goes with the flow, huh?”

“No! What the hell was that? Why did I say that?”

“That was you getting in touch with your inner-magical girl.”

“It’s so cringey I could die. I’ll seriously die of cringe.”

“You won’t.”

“The First Star is fucking with me. It has to be.”

“You know, you might be right. I’ve always thought the First Star had a sense of humor.”

“Fuck no. I refuse. I need a shred of my dignity, damnit. If that’s how it wants to play things, I refuse to be called a Star Guardian. I’m a Star Pirate, bitch. See the crossbones on my chest?”

“Because ‘professional thief and murderer’ is so much more dignified than ‘celestial protector?’” he asked dryly. “Yes, you’ll be Captain Morgan, the tween pirate with no ship or crew. May the universe tremble in terror.”

“Shut up,” I shot back. I wasn’t losing an argument against a bunny. I wasn’t!

I brought my gourd to my lips and began to drink. At least I couldn’t get written up for drinking on the job anymore.

Author’s Note

lol I updated the chapters in the wrong order. Woops. Meh, they're just snippets.

This whole idea started because “What if Captain Morgan was a magical girl(boy)?” The outfit has to match.

I’ve decided to lean into the magical girl trope. This means all Star Guardians have a transformation callout. In this case, “Starlight, shine bright.” Each Star Guardian feels compelled to introduce themselves in some way, though that part is more flexible.