Homeless Bunny 15 (Patreon)

Homeless Bunny 15

What did it say about me that I was more interested in the Hunters Union forums than the initiation? It wasn't as though my team assignment was some great mystery. I'd made it abundantly clear who my picks were and if Ozpin decided otherwise, I'd just have to persuade him. Besides, with Amber's status as Fall Maiden being some kind of secret, and only three other students knowing about her in the first place, Ozpin would have to be crazy to change things up.

My concern with the rumor mill was why I'd decided to make something easy for breakfast: pancakes, eggs, bacon, and fruit, a real American tradition. The kitchen staff had been kind enough to set up a station for myself, complete with hob, oven, and cutting station, while they prepped breakfast for the rest of the student body.

I tested out the coffee blends they had on hand and found that theirs were a little stronger than I was used to so instead of the diner-style flapjacks found in America, I decided to make the thick, fluffy variants popularized by Japanese cafes in my world. They were sweeter and fluffier thanks to the use of more eggs and baking powder. I thought the more intense coffee flavor would pair well with the souffle-like confection.

"Morning," I called to my team as they stumbled into the cafeteria like zombies. The aroma of perfectly brewed latte, with less sugar than usual to offset my pancakes, drew them in like the lure of a siren. I smiled as I placed three plates down before them.

"Morning, Tianyu," Amber chirped with a smile. "This looks lovely. Smells great too. I've never seen pancakes like these before."

"Japanese style, don't sweat the details."

She cut off a slice, loaded it with a preserved strawberry, and took a dainty bite. I saw Amber's eyes light up, maybe not entirely metaphorically, as she had a small foodgasm from the experience. It was always nice to see people enjoy my cooking, doubly so when they were beautiful women.

"So? How do you like these over the ones you're familiar with?"

"These are the best pancakes I've ever had."

"I'm gla-"

"LIES!" came a shout across the hall. We turned to find a short, ginger girl with a white and pink motif and an honest to god heart-shaped boob window… for some reason…

I noticed with a frown that even she was taller than me.

She stomped our way with a serious expression. In her hand was a vaguely Chinese boy in green and white who had a nice pink streak in his hair. He looked at us and mouthed "sorry" but made no attempt to free himself from the short ginger's grip.

Our eyes met and I recognized them immediately. Here was a man who'd long since grown accustomed to getting dragged along on new hijinks by a powerful woman.

I nodded in solidarity. I loved Luo Hao dearly, but there was a reason she was called the "Advocate of Ultimate Brute Force." The amount of times I'd had to smooth things over after she offended the Hindu devas for one reason or another was sadly greater than zero.

Or maybe Indra just liked to throw a fit because it got him more food and Luo Hao was happy to give him a reason. Who knew with them?

"Hello," I nodded to them both. "Care for breakfast? I have more."

"Rennie's pancakes are better," the ginger declared.

I stared at "Rennie." He looked back at me. I narrowed my eyes in unspoken challenge. Slowly, deliberately, I flipped a pancake onto a plate and slid it over. "Is that right?"

"Yup! Rennie is the best pancake chef in the whole world."

I placed two forks on their plate. "Delusional, but brave. Allow me to show you the distance between heaven and earth. Go on, try it."

One bite. It took one bite for the girl I learned was called Nora to break down in defeated sobs. It was a conflicted thing, half weeping at the remnants of her shattered delusion and half shedding tears of joy at finding the platonic ideal of a pancake.

Funnily enough, Ren seemed delighted with zero loss of pride. "Thank you," he said calmly. "Do you happen to have tea? I think this would go great with a more bitter profile than a latte."

"Oho, you are humble in defeat. Very well, I shall indulge you."

From my pocket, I pulled out a large box of loose-leaf teas, each held in sectioned off containers like potions ingredients. Because that's exactly what the box was meant for, potions ingredient storage for Hogwarts students. The box had been enchanted to be perfectly nonreactive while preserving each ingredient. It was a marvel of mortal enchanting. When Alice gifted me one, I insisted on tracking down the enchanter to express my favor personally.

Of course, the teas weren't normal either. Even the mortal breeds of tea leaves had been cultivated in the Lunar Palace, infusing them with celestial mana. Others were exclusive to the Netherworld, given to me as gifts from one god or another. I even had half a dozen varieties from Annie's fae realm, though I wouldn't be pulling them out for a simple social like this.

I plucked two mortal leaves, known for their fragrance and depth of flavor, and brewed him a quick glass. My "Semblance" shone over the cup as water heated itself to the perfect temperature.

"Thank you," Ren said as he took the cup in hand. He held it below his nose for a minute, letting the steam and heady fragrance tickle his nose. Slowly, he brought the cup to his lips. His eyes sparkled like pink gems as the flavor hit his tongue. "This is… This is the best cup of tea I've ever had. How did you make it so fragrant? It's familiar but different."

"I'm a chef," I said simply. "I'm a lot of other things, but I'm a chef first and foremost. Everything else is secondary."

He nodded in acceptance at the simple explanation. I liked him. Here was a man who accompanied a girl-shaped storm, yet found his own center. He allowed himself to be swept along, but not swept away.

Yes, the one called Lie Ren was a man worth knowing.

X

Such was our collective serenity that not a single person approached the six of us. Or maybe it was the four girls arguing over the best pancake topping while one of them wept tears of bitter defeat.

We made for a strange sight at breakfast is what I mean.

I did hear whispers of "bastard Schnee" this and "faunus Schnee" that when I used my golden seal. I took it to mean the rumor had spread like wildfire across campus. I didn't much care, but Weiss did seem like a lonely girl, perhaps I'd adopt her, turn lies into truth.

After breakfast, we were told to head to the lockers where our weapons were stored. I had none but accompanied my team anyway. There, we found my "little sister" doing her best to proposition some tall, toned girl with vaguely hoplite armor and vibrant, red hair.

"I'm sure everyone would be eager to unite with such a strong, well-known individual such as yourself," Weiss said.

I leaned over and placed an elbow on Mel's shoulder. "Who's red?"

"Pyrrha Nikos, Mistra Regional Tournament champion, four times. People call her the 'Invincible Girl,'" my ever-trusty exposition machine filled me in.

"Invincible Girl, huh? I take it she's never lost then?"

"Nope, at least, not in any official match. She won the past two tournaments without taking a single hit."

"She does seem familiar. I know it wasn't from her matches… Where have I seen her before?"

Miltia shrugged. "She's got a bunch of sponsorships."

"Most of them are kinda stupid. Hair products and whatnot," Mel added. "You know, stuff that has nothing to do with fighting but she gets because she's a tall, leggy redhead."

"Anything food-related?" I asked.

"Oh! She's got the Pumpkin Pete's cereal thing."

I remembered, and now I wish I didn't. "Ah… God, that's depressing."

I hummed noncommittally as Weiss did her best to make a friend. It was almost funny how socially awkward she was. No, that wasn't quite right. Weiss' mannerisms would have been perfect in a cocktail party. It wasn't that she was socially awkward necessarily, but rather that Beacon required a very different set of social skills than the one she possessed.

Never having been positioned to interact with her peers as more than just professional contacts, Weiss defaulted to what she knew. She tried, badly, to network with a girl who looked increasingly uncomfortable with the situation. This, more than anything else I'd seen of her so far, cemented in my mind all the things the twins had told me about her family. The girl needed help and she'd get it in bunny-flavor, whether she liked it or not.

I gasped audibly and ran over. Taking her hand, I let out a squeal only a pubescent girl or a manlet who'd apparently never seen the far side of puberty could make. "Eeee! Pyrrha Nikos! Oh-em-gee!"

Pyrrha looked like she'd swallowed a lemon. To her credit, she did her best to smile. It looked about as plastic as a barbie doll but she tried. "Hello…"

"You're the Invincible Gi-snrk," I broke down giggling. "Wow, I can't even say your title with a straight face. You're either the most arrogant girl alive or you need a new agent."

"Excuse me," Weiss coughed, "we were having a conversation!"

I turned around and pulled Weiss into a hug. She was taller than me by a good three inches in heels, which meant my perky, foodlong ears flopped against her face and wrapped past her tiara. "Weiss, my dearest little sister-"

"That's still under investigation," she protested.

"It's wonderful to see you out of the frozen asscrack of the world that is Atlas."

"Hey, that's my home you're talking about."

"I know, and what a tragedy that is. You must have endured so much… Anyway, have you considered, maybe, that you left Atlas for the same reason Pyrrha here left Mistral?"

"I-What are you talking about?" I rolled my eyes and flicked her on the nose. "Ow!"

Gently, I grabbed her by the shoulders and made her take a step back. "Okay, too close. Breathe. Now start again. Don't try to network, try to make a friend. You're both famous for stupid reasons so you should understand her better than anyone."

"Networking is making friends, you dolt."

"So was that one swinger orgy with superhero-themed prostitutes and a metric fuckton of cocaine, but I think we can both agree they're not the same thing."

"What?"

I turned back around and took Pyrrha by the hand. "Hi, Tianyu Yue. I am, officially, not her big brother and I think your title is pretentious as fuck. Nice to meet you."

"N-Nice to meet you," Pyrrha parroted back, more out of shock and ingrained habit than anything else. "I don't like my title either."

"Good. Now, Pumpkin Pete's, that's a real accomplishment. You know, in the 'man was never meant to know' sorta way. What kinda fuckwit looks at a pumpkin and says, 'You know? That'd be great in cereal form.' Congratulations on being their mascot, by the way. I'll never stop thinking of you as pumpkin-girl."

"I… Thank you…?"

"Anyway, you and Weiss are depressingly alike, you just deal with fame in different ways. Give her a chance, okay? Bye~"

And with that, I was off. My team fell in step behind me, leaving behind a pair of very confused celebrities.

"Are you ever going to tell her that you're not her brother?" Amber asked chidingly.

"I did. I said I'm officially not her brother."

"You know how suspicious that makes you sound, yes?"

"Me? Suspicious? Nah. I mean, come on, look at these floppy ears. How can I look suspicious when I look so adorable?" I laughed, flapping them around like wings.

Behind us, there was a blonde boy who'd looked like he wanted to approach Weiss. He seemed to have gotten intimidated by the looks the twins were shooting him, which was… fair, actually. I didn't really remember my teenage years all that well, but I probably wouldn't have had the nerve to talk to two celebrities, an older brother, and three equally pretty girls simultaneously before my ascension either.

X

The Beacon cliffside was beautiful. It offered a picturesque look over the Emerald Forest, a view most civilians would never get to see in their walled cities. The morning sun bathed us in gentle light as Ozpin lined us up on platforms along the edge of the cliff.

He said something about how he'd be launching us from the cliff. Our mission was to acquire some kind of relic at the far end of the forest while evading or killing every grimm we came across. Whoever met our eyes first would be our partner and two pairs would be added to form one team.

That made me pause. The blonde heretic to bunnies everywhere, Jaune, had no aura. I'd thought he was so weak as to be nearly unnoticeable at first, but I could feel it now. Or rather, not feel it. The boy was a true void. How was he supposed to have a "landing strategy" if he didn't even have the basics down?

Author's Note

Nora Valkyrie is 5' 1", making her the second shortest character in RWBY so far. Neo is first at 4' 10" in heels. Funnily enough, Ruby, at 5' 2", is taller than Weiss, who stands 5' 3", but only in heels.

So… I figured out after writing it all that I had Tianyu bulldoze his way into every conversation that features Jaune… oops. Now I need to decide what I want to do with the poor fucker. Like, without Pyrrha, does he just… die…?