Lith's Diary - February (Patreon)

Dear Diary,
Phew! I glanced over my last entry, and it's hard to believe that was only a month ago! I've been through a lot of ups and downs since then, and I simultaneously feel like I've gotten a ton done, but also almost nothing. That's one of those weird things about trying to improve yourself: it's important to keep pushing yourself, to never accept that what you've done so far is enough to just settle back and stop trying. But at the same time, without that feeling of "okay, that's enough, I can relax," it kinda feels like I'm just never getting enough done. And... then it can get harder to tell when I'm actually, honestly improving and when I'm backsliding from pushing myself too hard, especially when I'm working on stuff that's hard to directly quantify.

I have to admit I've learned some bitter truths about pushing myself too hard. It's not even a matter of getting too tired to do anything-- I don't like believing I have limits, but when the work is mostly mental stuff, it can creep up on you that you just can't get anything done because you've been working yourself too hard and not giving yourself a real break. I always have problems with being... well, lazy, and easily tempted to waste time on silly games, or even some of those nefarious mobile games that aren't actually "fun" so much as psychological trickery. Add in my occasional bouts of what is apparently depression, and... it gets hard to tell "me not getting anything done for no good reason" from "me legitimately needing to actually relax."

I guess that in that way, I let myself get pretty carried away sometimes, thinking about what I can and should be getting done. Sometimes I forget to really... take my feelings into account? Especially recently, I've been pushing to discipline myself. Eat better! Get more sleep! Stop wasting so much time playing games! It's all been pretty much all about pushing down my desires and my moods in the name of getting more of all the other things done, all the "important stuff."

Early this month, I was frustrated with myself and took some time to try and meditate on why I was having such a hard time getting anything done. I was wasting a lot of time putting it off because I just couldn't focus or bring myself to care about the work. And... yeah. I realized that I'd pretty much stopped listening to how I felt about any of it. And I mean, I enjoy my work, that's a big part of why I do it, so it's kinda weird to realize I've basically turned it into purely work, no fun! No... trying to figure out what sounds most interesting to tackle today, or if none of it sounds good right now and I need to go easy on myself or anything like that, just "this needs done, so I'm doing this."

It was really weird to realize I'd gone that far with it. And... I'm still trying to find a good balance. To stop being too harsh on myself for taking it easy when I feel like it, if it's not harming anything. I'm still working on recognizing those times, when it's not just "I'll start in a couple minutes" and it's more "I'm about to waste several hours puttering around" and try to actually do something that's fun or relaxing rather than just kinda... wasting time pouting.

I guess I'm still learning a lot about myself. But the work's getting done, and while I had a bit of a scare recently that's got me a little tense at the moment, I think I've got things under control, and I'm feeling pretty decent I think.

I've actually been watching a lot of anime lately. There have been a lot of pretty good ones I had heard about and never got around to, so I've been chewing through those recently. And... there's a pretty common theme among most of them.

Apparently, right now the medium is kinda dominated by "Isekai." They're all stories that are all about a normal Japanese guy that ends up swept away to another world, usually a medieval fantasy one, through reincarnation or whatever magic effect. It's a fun concept for a show or two, but holy cow, they're apparently making a million of these in every variety now. I picked out a few good ones from a critic's descriptions, and it's been quite a ride.

One, apparently something of a classic, is called Overlord. It's basically... pure, unabashed power fantasy. Guy is a maxed out, top-level villain in an MMO, then he basically ends up stuck as that villain, teleported to a medieval world, complete with his own huge lair full of NPCs that fawn over him. He's just ridiculously more powerful than the rest of the world now, but he's "alone" in that there are no other players, no people from his world. It's a really strange show that goes in a lot of unexpected directions, but it's still a lot of fun with the skillful mixture of humor and epic adventure in how his ridiculous level of power interacts with the rest of the world.

Another, probably one of my favorites recently, is called something like That Time I Got Reincarnated as a Slime. It has a similar idea: guy gets reincarnated as a slime that can consume anything to gain its powers, so he becomes absolutely ridiculously overpowered in short order. But this time he's a good guy, and you actually go along with him as he meets people, subverts fights into making allies, and gradually builds up a civilization from nothing, then defends it from all sorts of threats. It feels really wholesome and fun, while still being an unabashed power fantasy. It's kinda embarrassing to enjoy that sort of thing, but I guess that's kinda how it goes with a lot of shonen anime? This one has been described as refining all the good things about isekai shows to their very core values to make something fresh through pure quality of execution, which I can definitely appreciate.

And then there's Konosuba. This one is basically a subversion of the whole idea and a parody of all isekai, if anything. I think I might actually enjoy this one more if I'd already watched enough other isekais to just be completely sick of them by this point, rather than feeling like it's just getting kinda repetitive. As it is, though, it's still really funny in a somewhat cringy way, with a main cast that's composed entirely of awful people with huge personality flaws and that only barely qualify as a team. And while all three of these shows are guilty of it, this one is probably the worst for that one thing that seems to have started showing up a ton in anime recently...

Fanservice. Now, I... I mean, I can... you know... W-women are nice to look at and all, but... honestly, some of this just goes totally overboard with it! Just... flaunting them all over the screen in the middle of everything going on, sometimes making it part of the humor, but never holding back on it, just... I-it can be, you know... distracting! And I mean, I f-feel like I could get into the story and the characters more if they'd stop... jiggling so much... but... I mean, it's not like... I d-don't look...

It's not harming anyone, right? But I mean, they don't have to do that for it to be a fun show! It could still be stimulating and fun without things... wobbling around. It feels like it's making the show more embarrassing to watch, like it's harder for me to recommend the show to anyone! Like they'll think I might only like it because it's full of... Yeah. I dunno. I can't say that... y'know... that it detracts from m-my enjoyment, but... I mean...! It's weird that there's so much of it! Isn't it? At least with something like Kill La Kill, it was part of the point of the show, it was all about commentary on the absurdity of the rising trends in anime, it was supposed to be taking it to the extreme as a means of parody, but now even that looks almost on level with some of this stuff...

Okay, I'm probably not the best one to take up that fight. I probably couldn't even talk about it with anybody but you, Diary. I've already told you lots of embarrassing stuff, and you've never... judged me, or made me feel lesser for my... weaknesses. I do appreciate that, deeply. It's really nice to get these things off my chest... to the extent that I can. So... thank you for listening, and for being so kind and patient with me, despite... everything I've said. Everything you've seen from me.

In the void, too... I'm really putting it all out there, what a... muddled mess I am. But you've been supportive every step of the way, keeping me together when I should just fall apart. Thank you, Diary. Really. Just... I hope I can make it up to you, somehow, someday. You do so much for me... The next time I see you, I'm gonna give you the biggest hug.

Until then, I should... get myself together a little, and push on. I hope you're well, Diary, and that I can see you again soon.
-Lith