Lith's Diary - June (Patreon)

Dear Diary,
Last month I talked about how maybe I'm dealing with a little bit of depression. I still don't know if you'd really consider it "real" depression, or if it's something less severe, and I don't want to make light of the condition or anything when other people are struggling with serious problems. All I can talk about is what I'm going through.

And I guess it's still there, really. But I've been so busy and stressed out lately I haven't really been able to pay attention to it. I remember reading an old book once that described how people would get depressed if they're left with nothing to do, and the cure was to force them into hard labor for a while, and that'd perk them right up. It sounds pretty draconian, but it kinda stuck with me. Maybe depression is a natural state when you don't have anything bigger to worry about? Or when you aren't physically active and regularly getting a good boost of endorphins? Or just when you don't have that sense of satisfaction in getting something done? Getting whipped into doing a bunch of work doesn't sound like something a depressed person would volunteer for, and I can't say I'm happy to have so much stuff I need to be doing, but I guess it's true my depression has been less of a concern like this.

Ignoring a smaller problem because you have a bigger one isn't exactly a good way to "solve" the problem, but I guess it's true that depression is kind of a problem made up entirely of its symptoms. If you can't feel it, then that's kinda the same as not having it? I guess the main difference would be whether or not it comes back after. I suppose that might be one reason some people just work themselves like crazy all life long. That's one solution.

If it's all the same, I'd prefer to be able to relax a decent amount of the time. I don't mean to reinforce any stereotypes, but I do like a good nap, and I'm not a fan of having to put in a lot of hard work. I can do it, but I think there are people better suited to that kind of thing. If somebody called me lazy, that'd probably be fair.

So I guess I'll probably still have to figure this whole thing out sometime down the road. For now, I've got a whole bunch of other stuff on my plate instead, and I don't really want to get into all of that right now. I spend enough of my day worrying about it. It'll be okay, I'm pretty sure, I just have to put a lot of stuff into it right now.

So let's see! I haven't been playing a lot of games. A little bit of Slay the Spire and some Overwatch, but I've talked about those plenty. I went back to Diablo 3 for a little bit, I like playing classes where I can make a big horde of monsters to fight for me, army vs. army. There's probably something else I'm forgetting, but I just haven't had as much time for video games lately.

Oh! I guess there is something else I've been playing, though. Have I talked about Dominion? It's a card game that comes in a box, kinda like a board game. I've started playing it a lot with my friends when we meet up, and it's pretty fun. The basic idea is that you start with a tiny deck full of the worst cards in the game, but you use them to gradually get better cards and build your deck up into something really powerful. Whoever has the most victory points at the end wins, and that means a careful balance between making your deck powerful and buying cards that give you victory points but do nothing to keep you going.

There are three things I really like about the game. First, you can play it pretty much anywhere there's a table. We play in random fast food places all the time no problem, which can be hard to do with proper board games and such. Second, it's really easy to learn. It's not uncommon for a new player to win their first game just because they pull a strategy you're not expecting from looking at the game their own way. And third, the game can have a ton of variety to it no matter how many times you play. Each game starts with a different set of ten cards that pretty much define how the entire game goes, and there can be lots of interesting combos and interactions you might not expect at first. There are 25 of those cards in the base game, so you can get a ton of different combinations that play out very differently and require different strategies. Add in an expansion and the number of possible game setups increases exponentially.

That's what I really admire about the game. It's super easy for beginners, but also really rewarding to just keep playing pretty much forever. That's really hard to accomplish, especially when it's done with just a small supply of cards. Heck, tons of video games can't pull that off with all the resources that virtual space offers. That's not knocking video games, a lot of them prioritize something else and do it wonderfully, but I think this is a great achievement on its own.

Look at me, finding new ways to nerd out when I run out of the old ones, even if just for a minute. Other people probably don't ramble about video games or card games in their diary. But I guess I talk about serious stuff too, some. Should I get more serious with what I write?

I think I'm turning into a broken record. I keep telling myself it's weird to write about games a lot, then I tell myself it's okay. I don't know what to write about! Dear Diary, today I got up and had some leftovers for breakfast. Then I watched dumb stuff on youtube. Then I went to work. Then I played some games and had a lot of fun with that. Then some other stuff happened I'm not gonna talk about. And then I slept and I woke up to do it all over again! I could write about how boring life is, or I could write about stuff that I'm interested in and think about a lot.

But that's kinda dodging the question, I guess. Should I get more serious? There are serious things going on in my life, but... I don't know. I don't want to worry you with too much of that. And when I look back at these, I don't want to see all the dumb stuff I had to put up with and stress out over. Especially cause when I get older, it seems like all the things I stressed out about before seem so silly and small. I want to talk about the good stuff in life, and I want to be able to look back and remember that hey, way back then I was having fun with this thing. I should do that again sometime! Or something.

I don't know what other diaries are like, but I don't have to be the same as other people. Least of all with my diary. And... especially because my Diary is actually someone I care about.

So I guess those are my excuses. I'll probably worry about this some more later, so please forgive me when I go through this all over again, okay? I guess I worry that I'm boring you, or that I sound stupid or childish or... something. I worry about how you see me, I guess. But... maybe that's dumb. You're my Diary. I trust you to listen, and to accept whatever I have to say. That's a pretty huge thing you're doing for me, and I guess... if I'm holding back, that's kind of like I'm saying I'm not sure you'll really...?

I'm sorry. I'll trust you. I'll try to really... just open up and talk about whatever I want to, and not worry about how it sounds, or if it's dumb to talk about or anything. If you're gonna offer, I'll be happy to lean on you.

Thank you, Diary. Thank you for being here for me in this, and for all the times you've been here for me in the past, and for all the times you've been there for me in the void. I don't know if I'll ever be able to repay you all the kindness you've shown me, but at least I can say I appreciate you. I really do.

Last time, I think I sounded a little... needy at the end. A little too much like you had to keep sticking around and helping out, no matter what. So I want to make it clear: if you ever come to the point where you can't handle it, where it's getting to be a problem for you to help me, don't be afraid to stop. I really appreciate your help, but I don't want it to come at the cost of hurting yourself or anything. So, please, don't make things hard on yourself for me. I couldn't live with myself if I was doing that to you.

I think that's everything for now. I really rambled on a lot this time, huh? Sorry. Thank you for listening, and for all the other wonderful things you do.
-Lith