Lith's Diary - May (Patreon)

Dear Diary,
I think I might be getting better at complimenting people! Like... a little bit? But probably not as in, better at knowing what to say or anything. But I feel like I've gotten a little better at actually finding good times to say nice things, to tell my friends how much I appreciate them. I still need a lot of work, but I think I'm moving in the right direction!

Also, I've been... working on dealing with myself. I haven't wanted to admit it to myself, but I think that sometimes, I get... depressed. I don't think I'm as bad off as some folks can get, I can still get things done at all, just not... as much as I'd like. But! I am... working on it! I think it's important to remember we have more control over ourselves than maybe we give ourselves credit for. So sometimes, when I'm feeling like I don't know what I'm going to do with my life, I lie down somewhere comfy and just think about things. About my problems and what I can do about them, and what I want. And I take some deep breaths and accept that... it's okay to be happy. Even when things are hard, or scary, or don't seem to mean anything, being happy feels nice, and it's better than being stressed. I just breathe out the stress and the anger and all the tension in my body, and I accept happiness. And it helps me feel better. Or at least... it helps me shake off the funk when it tries to follow me around. I can control myself, and I can make myself feel... better. At least a little. Sometimes I forget about that, I think. There are a lot of little things like that I really shouldn't let myself forget, but life just seems so complicated sometimes.

If you're feeling weighed down, I'd definitely recommend it, Diary. More than drugs or games or shows or whatever, just taking a little time to relax somewhere quiet and... admit that you want to be happy, that it's okay to be happy? It can help a lot. I think we too often feel like we only "should" be happy at certain times that almost never come around. But it's okay to be happy just about anytime. It's healthy, and it helps you get through the day and get things done. If you wait till you've already got the things done, you're only making it harder on yourself.

I dunno. I'm not a therapist or anything, and I'm not sure if that even made any sense. Just... we do have control over ourselves. It's easy to lose sight of that.

Well. Anyway, I've been playing more games! Been getting some Overwatch in on and off, that's been fairly fun overall. It's a strange game these days, and I hear a lot about how like... it can be more fun to watch than to play? I know sometimes I get really frustrated with it. There are just a lot of little things where it can feel unfair or you can be left with this sense of powerlessness, where either you have no chance anyway in certain situations, or you have to play characters you don't like as much just to fill the gaps in your team because nobody will, and you need to deal with the other team's threats. Playing heroes to match the situation is smart, but it's not always fun, and that's... not a good conflict to have in a game, I guess. Choosing whether to play what you enjoy or what will win the match. I know they're still working a lot on improving the game, and I think it's gotten better in some ways, so hopefully with more time that'll keep improving until it's everything we wanted it to be in the beginning.

I've already talked about Overwatch a lot, though. I've also been playing some new games! Especially boring ones. And when I say boring, I mean as in, games that I assume 90% of the world sees as boring, as a "who even plays this, accountants?" kinda game. And, well... when they're done wrong, that can be true. They can be disappointing and boring and frustrating. But these games can scratch an itch for me like I can't satisfy with just about any other kind of game. The first one, which I played rather a lot of, is called Production Line. It's still in development, but the basic idea is, you have a factory floor and you fill it with the stations for the various stages of building a car. It starts slow, but as you research specialized machines you can split one generalized station into a series of smaller stations that get things done faster. You take up more space, but get cars made faster, and with still more research, you can add lots of extra features to the car to make more money. The core of the game is basically designing and redesigning this really long production line, trying to cram in all the stations as tight as you can, with multiple sets of certain stations side by side for getting through longer steps quickly, to drive down your average time per car until you're producing a car every two and a half minutes instead of every 25. And you have to set up stockpiles to make sure you get enough parts to stations quickly to keep them from having delays, and you can manufacture your own parts with more research, and you have to get into advertising and tailor your production schedule to produce more of the cars that people are more interested in so you don't fill up the lot with cars that are in low demand, and... there's just tons of stuff to go through to refine your production and sell off cars as quickly as possible!

And that probably sounds super boring! But it was really satisfying to me. The game is still missing some things, it could still use polishing in some respects, but overall I did enjoy it. My one biggest gripe is probably that it has pretty low replay value as it is. Once you've got the idea of how to build the production line and how to develop it as you bring in new techs, it's pretty repetitive going through all the little steps all over again. Still, I did the whole thing through twice, and I'll probably come back to it sometime later when it's developed more.

I guess there just aren't enough of these boring games around, because I played another one just recently that's in super early development. I don't know why these games have such generic titles, but this one was called Medieval Shopkeeper Simulator. It's shaping up to be a game where you're making money by basically playing your way up a kinda sorta research tree to learn how to produce all sorts of different products, then sell those to meet demands either in orders when you go door to door, or on a time limit when people show up at your shop. There seems to be a large emphasis on foresight, crafting, stockpiling, and taking advantage of good deals when you spot them, and I think it could make for a pretty nice "build your empire" game, but holy cow is it buggy right now. I tried my darnedest to play around the bugs just because I really wanted this game to work for me, but it kept getting worse and worse till I had to give up. Still, they update every week or so, so I'm probably going to be back and trying it again pretty soon.

I wish there were more games like that. Games about resource management and trading and stuff like that, without big gameplay gimmicks forced down your throat alongside it or time constraints or anything like that. It's so frustrating how many games I've seen that look like they could be just what I want, but one way or another they try to "spice it up" and just... ruin it for me. Am I the single most boring gamer alive? Or is this like some kind of game of chicken with developers, where they want to make a game like I'd enjoy, but so many of them get scared that if there's nothing "exciting" to it it won't sell, and they veer off into some other dumb thing?

I don't know, but for now, I'm just... amazed. There are so, so many games out there, of so many different types, and somehow, there are so few that can scratch this itch for me. Maybe it's just a matter of time. I hope so! But for now, I'll just be keeping my eye out. There's bound to be more of them out there, games I somehow haven't heard about, just waiting... I'll find them.

Putting aside my new life quest, I do want to say thank you for being there for... my arguably more important life quest. Things are at a turning point in the void, I think, and... I get the feeling I'll be relying on you more than ever when we finally get started on... the end. Just... hold onto me, okay? As long as I've got you, I can keep going, I can get through whatever comes next. I'm counting on you.

And I do hope you're taking care of yourself. Don't be afraid to take some quiet time to relax and find yourself, okay? I think everyone can use a little time just... doing nothing but dealing with their own heads, now and then. I think that's pretty important, and I don't want you feeling all out of sorts when we jump into the next big mess. Take care of yourself.

Alright, now I'm all lecture-y. Sorry. I'm probably the one having trouble and just projecting on you a little. But I'll be better! I'm working on it. And I've got you to lean on, so I know I'll be okay. Thank you again, Diary. I'll see you next month.
-Lith