Lith's Diary - July (Patreon)

Dear Diary,
What do you do when you want to say something to someone, but you, um... can't? Well, I mean, not even that you really want to, necessarily, but it's like... you want them to know something, or to do something... w-without it necessarily having to come from you. I've been... struggling with this for a long time, honestly. It's like... what do you even do? I can end up feeling so... helpless, and sometimes I think, I'm pretty sure that... that they might even want to know or do that thing, but they don't think that I...! It just... feels like such a tragedy. Like, I'm watching a better future sail on by, and I can't do anything about it, because I'm... I'm...

Sometimes I feel like I'm trapped. In myself? Being myself? Like, if I could just... be someone else, then maybe I'd be happier. I don't know. I mean... I guess that's kinda what we did through the stone door, but that didn't go so well. But that's... well, different. I was still pretty... me, just... different? Kinda different. Not different the right ways.

I mean, I guess I do like being me. There's a reason I still am, right? It's important to me to have friends, and to be able to enjoy just talking and watching nerdy stuff and playing video games and talking about all of it with you and stuff. It feels good. It feels right. But sometimes it feels like it's all just kind of a... side thing, or even a mask. There are other things that feel good, but... they don't feel as right. And they're not very compatible with normal fun stuff... When I jump into those other things, it's easy to get lost in it, to just... keep going deeper and deeper, but I'm kinda scared of what will happen then. What could happen. I might change, or develop bad habits, or start thinking the wrong way about things, and maybe even slip up and... and ruin all the good things I have in my life. It makes it so hard to enjoy any of those other things, or to let myself even want to enjoy them... let alone... talk about it with anyone.

I'm probably not even making any sense right now. I just... I don't want to screw things up. I want to hold on to who I am, but I also want to... have other things. So I just end up wishing someone could... give me those other things, without... I don't know. I guess it's kinda stupid. I just... I wish more people understood. Maybe it's selfish of me, but I feel like maybe if they did, we could both... be happier. Have more fun. If there were people I could trust, and I could... talk to them, and be a big nerd with them, but also... they were willing to, um... do things, without me having to ask... well... I think we could be really happy. I... I don't even know if that would work, really. Like... part of me feels like it has to be one way or the other. Like something is... missing, or off, if you try to get too much of both. I don't know. Maybe it's just a dream.

I just... right now, I'm really... I really want to... I just want to jump headfirst into it, and the more I think about it, and the more I think about how I could even try to make it happen, the more I want to laugh, and cry, and just curl up in a ball and hide from everything until it goes away and I can go back to just being me. And when I think of that, of just letting it die away, it kinda... hurts. Like I'm being... cruel... to myself.

I don't know what to do. I don't know what I can do.

I know I said I was going to talk about other stuff this month, but I'm not really in the mood right now. Maybe next time, I guess. For now, just...

Just...

I know a lot of the time, you want to be really gentle and kind with me, because I'm your friend. I appreciate that. I really do. But... next time you see me... I-it would mean a lot if you'd just... It's... it's okay to...

Y-you do a lot to help me out. You help me, and you help Lithier, and you're really awesome about it. Thank you. Just... if you ever have any, um... urges... Y-you don't have to... hold back. I think that, maybe, it could... help both of us.

I'm such a mess. Sorry. Thank you, Diary. For everything. I-if nothing else, a little snuggling can be nice, right? Haha.

Whatever the case, I'm happy to have you close...
-Lith