Scrapped Astarion Script (Patreon)

skip this if it's of no interest to you, but i thought i'd post the first version of the Astarion script that i scrapped completely because it wasn't good enough. i hope you'll agree that the re-write was worth it, because this sucks. i'm not sure what exactly about it i hated so much, but anyway, here you go:

[int. a high-end function room, hosting a party for the elites of Baldur’s Gate]

[ASTARION approaches the LISTENER]

Hello, there! Behind you, darling.

[they shake hands]

Good to meet you. I’m Astarion. Astarion Ancunín. Forgive me for approaching so forwardly — I saw you from the across the room and noticed you had nobody to speak to, so I thought I’d offer myself up to you. If you’d rather be left alone then, by all means, just tell me.

Mhm. Good. I must say, it’s unusual to see someone here who isn’t spending all of their time getting in as many people’s good books as possible. This place is positively swarming with brown-nosers. Are you… Appreciating the atmosphere? Or are you just here for the drinks?

And yet I see you don’t currently have a drink. Absurd, darling, you can’t survive in a room like this without being at least a little intoxicated. Can I get you one? No, don’t answer, it’s already happening. Bartender! A drink for my friend here, if you please. What would you like?

Oh, no, no, that won’t do at all. No, you’re surely worth more than that. It must be something from the cellar, for you. I know they’ve got the quote-unquote good stuff squirrelled away down there. Yes, I think a glass of Jasmarin Shadow would suit you down to the ground. So, 2 of those, my good man. In fact — bring the bottle. I’m sure we’ll work our way through it.

[a satisfied chuckle] Mmhmm, yes, it does happen to be desperately expensive. That’s of no concern to me. What’s the point in coming to a function like this if you aren’t willing to splash out a little?

Hmm. You seem unimpressed. Well, well. That is a surprise.

I mean, normally the types that show up at these things are… Shallow. Easily impressed by extravagant displays of obscene wealth. But not you, it seems?

Goodness! Quite a rare thing to hear in these circles. You find it distasteful? My, oh my, I have commited a faux-pas. In that case — bartender, that bottle of Jasmarin? Put it back, and bring us some fireswill, there’s a good fellow.

Yes, fireswill. I’m looking forward to it. Spending so much time with the precise sort of foppish idiot who would be impressed by a 450gp bottle of wine has me longing for the cheap stuff, sometimes, so… I’m glad you said what you said.

No, don’t get me wrong, fine wine is wonderful, but sometimes one just needs to get good and pissed on a high-proof spirit. Besides, between you and me, Jasmarin is massively overrated, and these days most bottles are corked — completely undrinkable. Like I said, I only ordered it for the price tag, in the hopes of impressing you. It works more often than not. I’m very glad it didn’t this time, even if it has made me look like a snob. I’ll just have to work harder, won’t I?

[two shot glasses placed on bar and filled with spirit]

Ah, here we are.

[ASTARION takes the shot in one mouthful, and shudders]

Haha. Delightfully repulsive. Bartender, another.

[the glass is refilled]

I’ll… Nurse this one. Fireswill isn’t typically a sipping drink but I see no harm in giving it it’s time in the spotlight on this occasion. What do you think?

Yes, it truly is rough as a anything, isn’t it? And just you wait until the next day. Haha, ah, it’s as though you’ve been pummelled by a minotaur. Utterly despicable stuff, so look forward to that.

Mm, now, tell me about yourself. Now we’ve established that it’s not for the drinks, nor to suck up to the rest of the city’s elite, why are you really here?

Me first? Oh, come now, there’s no need to be so coy. But, ah, if you insist — much as I loathe to talk about myself, for you, fine. You already know my name - Astarion. I work for the city, as a magistrate. It’s dreadfully boring, I’m afraid — but also disgustingly well-paid, so I don’t tend to complain.

Oh, I oversee legal proceedings on the city’s behalf, administer hearings, mostly for crimes of a financial nature, and… [ASTARION yawns] You see, I’m boring even myself with it.

Yes, of course. Outside of work I play the harp, ride horses, dabble in watercolours — both as artist and model. I’ve also recently taken up archery, though I’m still very much a novice, so you needn’t worry. I’ll probably miss you if you’re more than a few feet away, especially if you were moving target. Give me a hundred years, and we’ll see if I’m not a dab hand.

Oh, yes, and I’m an elf, of course. The hundred years thing wasn’t an exaggeration. Surely you noticed the ears?

Ha! Hahaha, no, they’re not fake. That is becoming fashionable at the moment, though, isn’t it? Illusory elf ears — ridiculous. I assume they think it gives them an air of wisdom. Quite ridiculous. I would never deign to do something so silly, I’d be quite embarrassed. No, I was born with mine — though, of course, they weren’t quite so pointy when I was a baby.

I’d say “Enough about me,” but I feel as though you still aren’t going to tell me anything about yourself. Did you sneak your way in? Is that why you’re being so coy? It would explain why you’re distancing yourself from everybody else.

I’ll find out, will I? And when might that be? Once again, you surprise me. Usually people at these things are only too happy to talk about themselves. Not you, though. Well, would you at least tell me where you are from? Baldur’s Gate, is it? Or have you come from outside the city?

Oh, how delicious! It’s good to meet people from outside the city. A breath of fresh air! Where are you from? Have you come very far?

Waterdeep! My, my. I trust you’re part of the nobility there, then? I don’t know the crests, I’m afraid — my dealings with Waterdeep are unfortunately few and far between. I only ask because otherwise it seems unlikely you’d have been invited.

I see. Yes, that makes sense. And it’s your first time here? How exciting! How are you enjoying yourself so far? It is without a doubt the most disgusting city on the coast, isn’t it? Compared to Waterdeep, an absolute hovel, I’m sure.

Oh, do you really think so? Well, I’ll take that as a compliment. My role as a magistrate doesn’t give me much scope for improving the place, but I do what I can. But, gosh, I fear I’m at risk of boring myself again. It’s the atmosphere of this place. So awfully dreary. Every conversation going on around us is about politics or money and it’s all so gauche. I’m not opposed to either of those things myself, of course, but on a night like this I want to talk about nothing less. I wish we could… Oh, but we’ve only just met.

Ah, I was rather getting ahead of myself. I was going to say I wish we could go somewhere else, but I have to say I simply forgot that we’ve only been speaking for 10 minutes at best. It feels as thought it’s been a lot longer, wouldn’t you agree?

Yes. Mm. Well, seeing as it’s out there now, what do you say? Shall we find somewhere a little less, hmm, soul-destroying? Assuming you have a soul, that is.

Hahaha, no, just a little joke. I’m quite sure you do. You have the sparkle of someone with a soul — and a juicy one at that.

Mm, it was most certainly supposed to be a compliment. Who wouldn’t want to have a nice, juicy soul?

Ah, forgive me, it is perhaps a little… silly, as you put it. Perhaps this fireswill is getting to me. Very well!

[ASTARION downs the drink]

Shall we depart?

[fade through silence to ext. streets of Baldur’s Gate on a lively evening]

Ah, this is… Well, I was going to say “This is more like it,” but in honesty, not that much as changed. Baldur’s Gate is Baldur’s Gate. Still, at least we’re away from those buffoons. If I’d had to spend another minute in there, I think I’d have felt quite ill.

Oh, good question. Where are we going? I have no idea. I didn’t think about it, I just wanted to get out of there with you.