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First Draft of Annihilation Script (Patreon)

Published:
2021-07-17 02:01:44
Edited:
2024-03-14 02:22:36
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Content

We're finally getting somewhere with the new channel, which if you missed it, you can find over here: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCBPy4X-lQlnyN2-Z4U4t65g

I've finished my first draft of the script, which ended up being a lot longer than I expected for my first project. Tomorrow I'll be reading through it again, revising it, adding to it, and then hopefully at least recording the voiceover for it. I have no idea how long it takes to finish the visual part of a video essay, so who knows when the final video will be ready.

What I could use is some outside feedback. I'm deep in the weeds of writing all this, and it was all written out of order. My original outline was tossed out altogether and it became something else entirely. So what I need to know is whether any of this makes sense. Even when I revise it tomorrow I may subconsciously fill in the gaps with what I meant to say rather than what I actually said, and ideas may suddenly be referred to without being established earlier in the essay, etc.

So if you want to take an early look at the process and let me know how it currently reads, have at it. Just be warned that this spoils the film Annihilation. And the finished video, for that matter. If you haven't seen the film and don't care about spoilers, that's fine too. The video will inevitably be watched by people like you as well. Though it may be a struggle without visuals for context.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/10_8TgIZHaP-kTjcs9lcGSP9bP9CDZ-OuWMGjNaP9kb0/edit?usp=sharing

Files

Copy of Annihilation Script

Comments

Nikki (edited)

Comment edits

2023-05-20 15:47:39 I would honestly remove the part where you mention the other video that made you do this one. It adds nothing to the content of your evaluation, only makes people want to know which video it was and it is generally a factor of negativity that doesn't even have direct relation to the movie itself. (If you're referring to FoldingIdeas' video, I salute you. That one has always hit me as a little too... white? Privileged.) Some writing advice I saw somewhere: Don't say what you don't mean, don't talk about what you don't wanna talk about, just say what you want to say and talk about what your topic is. Meaning: Don't say "This is not an essay about the technical level of Annihilation", say "This is an essay about the mental health metaphors of Annihilation" as an example (no relation to your specific text, just to make my point.). Generally, it's always better just to get to the point and your own content and leave the path of how you got there to Behind the Scenes videos, Twitter threads and Q&As.
2021-07-17 02:06:45 I would honestly remove the part where you mention the other video that made you do this one. It adds nothing to the content of your evaluation, only makes people want to know which video it was and it is generally a factor of negativity that doesn't even have direct relation to the movie itself. (If you're referring to FoldingIdeas' video, I salute you. That one has always hit me as a little too... white? Privileged.) Some writing advice I saw somewhere: Don't say what you don't mean, don't talk about what you don't wanna talk about, just say what you want to say and talk about what your topic is. Meaning: Don't say "This is not an essay about the technical level of Annihilation", say "This is an essay about the mental health metaphors of Annihilation" as an example (no relation to your specific text, just to make my point.). Generally, it's always better just to get to the point and your own content and leave the path of how you got there to Behind the Scenes videos, Twitter threads and Q&As.

I would honestly remove the part where you mention the other video that made you do this one. It adds nothing to the content of your evaluation, only makes people want to know which video it was and it is generally a factor of negativity that doesn't even have direct relation to the movie itself. (If you're referring to FoldingIdeas' video, I salute you. That one has always hit me as a little too... white? Privileged.) Some writing advice I saw somewhere: Don't say what you don't mean, don't talk about what you don't wanna talk about, just say what you want to say and talk about what your topic is. Meaning: Don't say "This is not an essay about the technical level of Annihilation", say "This is an essay about the mental health metaphors of Annihilation" as an example (no relation to your specific text, just to make my point.). Generally, it's always better just to get to the point and your own content and leave the path of how you got there to Behind the Scenes videos, Twitter threads and Q&As.

Sarahnade

I haven't seen the movie (cancer and body horror, thanks for the warnings) and I probably am too chicken to finish reading, but I did notice that "reveals what happened to Kane’s crew" is the first you mention the name Kane. Maybe your visuals or cut ins mention him earlier, but I figured it might be because you restructured things. I really enjoy what I read up to that point. It helped clarify for me what some people enjoy(?) about body horror.

CurryOfDeath

Thanks for sharing! I had watched the movie years ago and read the book trilogy (which is different but also very good I think), so I was familiar with a lot of the themes you talk about. I generally love your exploration of the characters and their motifs, tied to the aesthetic of the Shimmer and its workings. Some aspects were true ‘aha!’-moments for me, especially when looking at the details in cinematography. Overall, the structure seems mostly logic to me. The setting is crucial to the themes of the film, so it makes sense to mention its function right at the start. But as you go into the chapter about Body Horror, I was confused. Maybe it would be a smoother transition if you could tie in the topic of changing more explicitly. For example, give a short introduction into Body Horror as a general concept, why changing is such a powerful force for horror fiction, and then go into the two fundamentally different take-ons of the examples. I feel that during the two examples you use right at the beginning of the chapter, the connection to the process of changing is not quite tangible. I only understood the purpose of the chapter while reading the Hospital paragraphs (which are wonderfully written, sympathizing was easy and also thanks for sharing that stressful episode!). From there on, the essay came into flow, closely revolving around the film and your personal thoughts. That really took me along as a reader. Two short things that I am unsure of: - On page 2, paragraph 6 you wrote: “…and turning back seems like a much bigger task than turning back.” Is this a typo or a joke or a fixed expression? English is my second language, so I don’t know for sure. - I’d have liked to have a very short introduction to the cast. As mentioned before by a comment, names appear rather abruptly, so maybe at the beginning, in the Forest chapter, you could include one or two sentences about each character you’re going to mention. Of course, visuals help a lot, but being a person bad with names, I found it difficult to remember the cast from context alone. Despite my bickering, to me it’s a really interesting and well-thought-out essay, I’m looking forward to the video! Hope, this is helpful.

seyren

First off, thank you for the content warnings. Some of these are things I try to avoid in media best I can (unfortunately, a lot of people/media do not warn for these and the repercussions for me are...well, basically there are whole genres I can't enjoy bc they're likely to fuck me up*), so thank you for giving me the option to tap out. Much appreciated. So, while I would have liked to help with your script, I'm afraid there's not much I can do this time around. Looks like the other people here have some good feedback to offer, I hope you will find the process helpful / not too frustrating and that you will feel free to consult with us on future drafts, as well. I thoroughly enjoyed the first couple 2nd channel videos and I'm curious to see what else you'll come up with in future. I very vaguely remember seeing a list of topic ideas you posted somewhere at some point and I remember finding some of them highly intriguing, but ofc I can't remember where I saw it (I did spend some time searching for it, to no avail) or what those topics were ^^ I do remember thinking "Oooh, I'd love to hear what he has to say on these topics" * ime, it's difficult to enjoy body horror when you've been living it for decades. I've undergone enough surgeries to appreciate my insides staying on, well, my inside and I don't wanna see anybody else's. Personal preference, weird, I know.

Nikki

Watching the video right now - just one thing I'm noticing is that your voice is a little monotone; the mood changes and more intense vocalisation in your Let's Plays are reactions to moments in the games you're playing, so that's gone in your essays. Obviously the same kinds of moods would be inappropriate in an essay! At the same time, even the calmest, most "seated" essayists like GMTK or Nerdwriter go a little more out there. This isn't really a criticism, those guys have years over years of experience and probably took voice acting classes, just something I did notice and would recommend having an eye on in the future. It doesn't take away from the video, it's just a... space that could also be filled, if that's what you want, if that makes sense! :) Also: "As a man, I can count myself lucky I suppose. Dementia is twice as likely to occur in women." - That's a lot of pathos in those two lines, creating an emotional hit that might be a little out of line for what's not a story with an ultimate moral but still, well, an essay. And you're creating that hit without any specific purpose for the narrative flow, like you would if you were cutting to a scene where a woman has dementia, or if you're following up with another story about a woman you know who had/has dementia. It's just hanging in the air, and leaves a sour taste with no - positive or negative - catharsis. I totally get why you wrote it, but I feel like going for pathos without any contribution to the narrative structure might not be worth it. (This is aside from the fact that "women vs. men" scientific studies are all starting to lose their factuality the more we research actual difference between either plus additional kinds of people, no matter if from the gender or sex perspective, since we find more and more clearly that there actually is no scientifically reliable difference at all.)

Donk

i know im pretty late to this, but i’ve been a huge fan of your let’s plays since i found you years ago through your the witness let’s play and im so delighted to just have found out you’re getting into video essay ish types of content! i’m currently watching the annihilation video and you really hit the nail on the head with the topics you talk about. i dont think i realized why i adore this movie so so much, but your analysis really got me thinking. im not that great with words, so no intricate review from me here, just happy to hear more of your thoughts and experiences, and also your writing. excited to finally have disposable income to support you on patreon, even if just a bit for now! also excited to see what you’ll do in the future with the new channel!