Luxy Chapter Rewrites Part 2 (Patreon)

This rewrite is drastically different than the original and combines parts of chapters 72 and 73 while mostly being its own thing/telling the information in new ways.

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The overcast is bright and sunny once again here in the Supernal Skies of Serenity, reflecting that its Goddess has entered a more agreeable mood now that the uncomfortable tension has somewhat settled between us. I’m still nervous, sure, but I still have my wits about me, and I’m ready for just about anything that could occur, I think.

Luxy leads me to the center of the gazebo, where she raises a hand and constructs a table of light using her divine magic. On opposite ends of this table, she summons two very different-looking chairs. One is more of a throne. Tall and impending to look upon, it towers over the table with its glorious shimmering light, its ornate stylings, and its comfortable cushions.

The other chair is a rickety stool made of rough, splintery wooden planks. From the looks of it, putting some weight on the thing looks like it would destroy it right away. I have half a mind to steal the Goddess’s chair before she sits down, but I restrain myself from this wicked impulse.

I take my seat and find it sturdier than it looks while Luxy sits upon her extravagant throne of light. She smirks, crosses her legs, and looks down at me with an expression of superiority. “Do you like it? I thought I’d make you feel more at home.”

“The chair’s nice, but it just doesn’t have that overwhelming stench of failure that the rest of the Guild seems to have.”

“Your words, not mine,” The girl smiles and eyes my bottle of ambrosia without subtlety. “Are you going to have any of that for yourself? Personally, I wouldn’t. As a mortal, your tastebuds would be ruined for the rest of your life.”

“I knew it...” I mutter softly under my breath. “No, I wasn’t planning on drinking any of this. It’s all for you.”

“Great!” She summons a napkin to wipe the obvious drool forming on her face. “I mean, uh, what do you want, then? Feel free to ask for anything.”

“Anything, you say?”

“Most anything. I can’t give you anything that’ll tip the odds in your favor, like a potion of immortality or some shit, but we’ll get to that soon enough.”

Interesting, I’ll have to remember that. As for my beverage of choice, I’ll throw Luxy an easy one to start off with. I recline in my rickety chair and cup my chin in my hands, telling her, “Give me my grandpa’s favorite drink,”

Lux Ultima looks at me with a puzzled expression before shrugging and snapping her fingers. At her command, a mug made of transparent light appears in front of me on the table. It soon fills with a fragrant and dark beer. Picking it up and lifting it to my lips, I take a deep swallow. Just from one taste, I can tell the Goddess was right on the mark. Not only is it my grandpa’s beloved Dry Dwarven Stout, but it’s also just about the best damn beer I’ve ever tasted.

“I’m sure you might have guessed by now, but I’m refraining from reading your mind during our discussion.” She says as she crosses her arms. “That being said, I must say... your attempt to gauge how much I know about you and your family was childish at best and infantile at worst.”

“I don’t have anything to say in response to that.” I lie.

Luxy blushes, slamming her fist down on the side of the throne. “I can tell when you’re lying, too, you dumbass! You were totally just thinking that I’m childish and infantile, weren’t you?!”

“Yes, absolutely.” I shrug my shoulders, seeing no point in lying.

The shining Goddess of Light takes a deep breath and closes her eyes. Trying to calm herself, exhales long and slow. “I’m going to pretend I didn’t hear that.”

As I take another sip of my beer, thoughts of the old man resurface. The scent of the dark liquid crowds the senses and reminds me of the many times I saw him nursing bottle after bottle of this very same beer in my childhood. “He’s not in your heavenly city over there somewhere, is he? My grandpa, I mean.”

Luxy stares at me blankly before her cheeks puff out from trying to hold back her laughter. Not long after, she fails. “Oh, FUCK no, I’m sorry, it’s just that that was just hilarious... he’s with my sister.”

“Mmn. I suppose that sounds about right. Not in one of the deeper Hells, I hope?”

“Nah, he’s in one of the fun ones, I think.” She tilts her head while trying to remember where my grandpa’s soul ended up after his death.

“Good. As flawed as the old man might have been, as far as I know, he didn’t do anything that warranted eternal punishment... but I suppose that’s up to your sister to decide.”

“Something like that,” The Goddess shrugs her shoulders. “I don’t really know how she does things these days... still, you do know that old man was a complete and utter bastard, right?”

I smile softly, sipping more from the miraculous beer. “He sure was...” Letting out a weary, nostalgic sigh, I close my eyes for a moment as vivid childhood memories of the imperfect man who raised me cloud my mind.

Luxy claps her hands together, breaking me out of my nostalgia-induced stupor. She looks around awkwardly, shifting in her seat. “Soooo... anyway. Yeah, uh. I didn’t want to meet you face to face... like... ever... but here we are, I guess...? Been a while since I’ve done the whole meet and greet with one of you...”

“One of me? A mortal?”

She looks like she’s about to say something but holds her tongue. “No, you- ugh... we’ll get there, alright?”

“Well, at any rate...” I present the little shot glass filled with ambrosia, “Here’s the offering I initially made. It’s all yours, Luxy.”

She looks at me like I just showed her a steaming pile of dogshit. Profoundly disgusted, the Goddess looks me in the eyes. “Am I a joke to you?! If that glass were any smaller, I’d presume it was meant for ants! Give me the bottle, Mortal, or you’ll be leaving my Heavenly Realm today without a single answer to any of your questions.”

“Don’t worry, I promise you’ll be getting the bottle.”

“Finally!” She crosses her arms, pleased with herself over her perceived victory. “It might’ve taken you a while, but I’m glad you understand the position you’re in! Hand it over!”

“You misunderstand me. I mean to say you’ll get the bottle bit by bit, only after you answer my questions. I’ll determine for myself whenever you’ve earned a new shot, so you’d best make sure your answers are worth it.”

The Goddess’s face sours, and she bangs her fists on the table. Lightning rumbles in the clouds off in the distance, showcasing the cost of her growing ire. “That’s not good enough for me! How do I know you won’t run out of questions, huh?!”

“Oh, I think we’ll manage somehow or another...” Taking the list of questions I wrote in advance out of my pocket, I unfold it and hold the crinkled paper up within my hand as I adjust my glasses.

Luxy frowns and bites her lip, annoyed. She twists her head to the side and grumbles something unintelligible to me before conceding and saying, “...Very well, Mortal, give me the initial offering.”

I raise the cup towards Luxy, and she snaps her fingers. I assumed that she would teleport it into her hand or something, and she’d drink it like an ordinary person, but no, that wouldn’t be befitting of a Goddess. Instead, a dove appears from out of the sky. It swoops down, somehow snatching away the tiny shot glass. Luckily for me, her feathered servant also finds the time to shit on the table next to my hand.

The magical dove flies the ambrosia-filled glass toward its mistress, and instead of taking it, the Goddess opens her mouth. Hovering slightly above her, the dove tips the glass over enough to pour the golden liquid down Luxy’s hatch. I’m floored by this excessive showing of sheer laziness. Perhaps she finds the idea of holding a cup that a mortal touched offensive? At any rate, the noble houses of Karnalle are home to many an arrogant nobleman, but this... is something else.

Clearly, the nobility has nothing on the arrogance of the Gods.

After downing the magical shot, Luxy’s expression softens and melts into that of unrestrained joy. She sighs with contentment, her cheeks fill red with blush, and she wipes some of the drink from her lips. When she’s like this, she’s downright adorable... even I have to admit that much.

The dove flies back over to my side of the table, carrying the emptied shot glass in its beak. The bird places it down in front of me, waiting for the next time it’s full so that it can make a return trip.

“So tasty!” Luxy sighs a second time, her body tingling with little goosebumps as she hugs herself to keep calm. Suddenly, the Goddess realizes she’s being childish, and she shakes it off. She reassumes a severe expression. “V-Very good, Mortal. You have both my thanks and my permission to ask me any questions that come to mind. I must preface this by saying that due to the nature of your... situation... there a great many things that I legitimately cannot answer.”

We’re starting off strong right off the gate, then. Very well, I’ll just outright ask. “And why is that? Are you not one-half of the supreme deities of Karnalle? Who’s stopping you from telling me everything I need to know?”

“This is just how we’ve always done things...” She shrugs, evading the question.

“Who is ‘we’? Your sister?”

“Yes, duh.” Luxy rolls her eyes. “Neither of us can spell out all the details, or you wouldn’t grow. That’s the main reason I haven’t intervened in your life too much until now.”

Lot of information to unpack there, but I set it off to the side. “...Alright. If you really can’t tell me certain things, then I’ll have to try and be respectful of that and keep it in mind.”

“See that you do,” She narrows her eyes. “Now, do you have a real question for us to begin with? I’m not getting any younger, and I want that ambrosia, damn it!” Luxy drools at the thought of tasting more of that sweet, sweet nectar.

Reading from the top of the list, I ask plainly and simply, “Why am I so special?”

Luxy stares at me in silence before smirking. “Because everyone loves you, and you’re perfect in every way.” She watches my face long enough to gauge I’m unamused before laughing to herself. “Is that really what you wanna start this game of questions with, Mortal? C’mon, dude.”

Clenching my fist and exhaling through my nose, I nod. “Yes. Please, tell me anything you can about whatever bullshit magical destiny you planned out for me.”

The Golden Goddess thinks to herself as she gazes off into the horizon of her serene Realm of beauty and wonder. After a deliberate moment of silence, she asks me a pointed question. “How much do you know about Karnalle’s history?”

“More than most, I’d imagine. You know how I enjoy the art of the written word, and in my studies, I’ve read-”

“Yeah, yeah,” Luxy waves her hand dismissively, even though she was the one who asked me the question. “So, Demon Lords... you probably know all about that shit, right?”

“...Yes, I’ve read a book or two on the matter.” My hand instinctually creeps towards the tankard of beer in case this goes somewhere I don’t like.

“You already know where this is going,” She frowns and crosses her arms. “Every time there’s a Demon Lord... what happens?”

I take a deep breath while ruminating on her implication. “A Hero of Light rises up to defeat him,” Sighing, my head falls limp. Luxy waits for me to continue, but instead, I down the dark, dry beer in one massive chug.

Sliding the tankard toward the center of the table, I look Luxy in the eyes and say, “I’m going to need something a lot stronger, please.”

---

If the records are to be believed, then the Realm of Karnalle was created roughly 4,617 years ago. Throughout the history of our storied Realm, seven different Kings of darkness known as Demon Lords have risen up across the ages. These devilish rulers wreaked havoc and devastation across the land, making even the evilest of Lundreame tyrants look like saints by comparison. However, a Hero of Light has consistently appeared in our darkest hour to save us all from eternal darkness. Not once has the Hero of Light failed in their quest, and each Demon Lord has been defeated...

And now, it’s apparently my turn.

Words escape me, but liquor does not.

Luxy graciously sets me up with a tall glass of Bourgeauxian salted whiskey on the rocks after accepting my plea for a stiffer drink. Known as one of the most potent and expensive spirits in all of Karnalle, it should be more than enough to get me through the dreaded topic of my destiny... hopefully.

“So it’s really true?” I ask the Goddess after downing my first taste of the rich, dignified alcohol. “I’m supposed to take down the current Demon Lord myself?”

“Kind of,” Another smirk tells me there’s more going on here than it seems. “Things are a little different this time around.”

“I’m going to go ahead and assume the magical penis growth, the eyes, and the divine pimping have something to do with that?”

“No doubt you’ve picked up on a good deal of the nuances,” She chuckles, looking down on me like an artist proud of her work. “I made sure you were extra smart, after all. Why don’t you make some guesses and see if you can figure more of it out on your own?”

I close my eyes and consider what the Goddess is telling me, and think back to the interactions we’ve had until now. The answer is obvious, though shocking. “I’m not meant to battle the Demon Lord head-on.”

Pleased with my answer, my divine host claps her hands and smiles. “See? You DO get it! But that’s not all-”

“I’m meant to raise heroes to do it for me. That’s why you had me born to the only family in the Realm where I could inherit an Adventurer’s Guild, isn’t it...?”

“That sounds an awful lot like a question to me...” Luxy tilts her head, her voice taking on mock innocence as she repeatedly taps the armrest of her throne. Sighing, I pour her another small shot of ambrosia and watch her down it with delight. The dove brings the glass back to me and continues to wait for whenever its services are next required.

“So, yeah. This time, I kinda needed to focus on quantity over quality... so while you’re technically the current ‘Hero of Light,’ you also come with a lot of fail-safes. You get me?” She keeps saying things are different repeatedly, yet I feel like getting the exact reason behind this is all but impossible.

“Fail-safes...?” I hope this isn’t leading where I think it is, but it has to be...

“Think about it,” Luxy teases.

Thinking on the girls that the Goddess has led to my side thus far, a pattern comes to mind. The Crown Princess of Karnalle, the supposed strongest Mage in the realm, and the daughter of a famous, heroic Shield Maiden... no doubt all of them would have mighty children given a chance, or if a certain Goddess pushed them in the right direction.

I squint at the smug, childish deity sitting from me across the table. “The reason you’re hooking me up with all these women is so that if it looks like things aren’t going well in the battle with the Demon Lord, then... I’m... supposed to start producing heroes in an entirely different way, aren’t I?”

Luxy smiles, “You’re so close! Keep going...” Apparently, using the girls in my life and me as breeding stock is not a concern to the Goddess. She shows no regret, despite the expression on my face clearly showing my displeasure.

“This current Demon Lord must be unlike all the others up until now if you see changing the formula as the only viable way of winning. Though that can’t be all, can it? My guess is that even if he’s defeated, for whatever reason, there’ll be an aftershock that requires a drastic surge in the number of adventurers.”

The Goddess blinks. For a moment, she actually looks impressed with me. “Shit, think maybe I made you too smart?” She giggles to herself, smug as ever.

Ignoring her, I move ahead to the biggest question on my mind. “Please don’t tell me that the next golden age of adventurers is going to spring out entirely from my dick.”

“Ok, fine. I won’t tell you that.” Luxy smirks, knowing she doesn’t need to tell me something I’ve already figured out for myself.

Taking a gratuitous swig of my whisky, I let this thought ruminate as the stiff liquid glides down my throat. My brief contemplation is ruined by Luxy opening her mouth to say, “You would’ve figured all this out for yourself if not for your own rotten luck, you know. As a boy, you were so busy studying and trying to run a business that your youth passed you by... if you tried a little harder to lose your virginity, all this junk would’ve happened on its own.”

“Great, might as well rub that in some more while you’re at it,” I add in sarcastically, downing more of my drink. “And if me setting off on my destiny was so damn important, why didn’t you interfere before now? Why wait until I’m a fucking middle-aged wash-up?”

“What do you take me for, one of those divine Grekkan upstarts?” She snorts. “We’ve always done a hands-off approach when it comes to guiding our champions. You know, subtle shit! Messages in dreams, appearing to you in forms you wouldn’t recognize, hush-hush things like that.”

I raise a finger toward Luxy, telling her to pause for a moment because I caught something in her phrasing that I didn’t quite like the sound of. “You just said ‘we,’ which I take to mean your sister-”

“Shit,” Luxy coughs into her fist as her glowing face goes pale.

“Tenebris Primis has divine champions as well, doesn’t she? I can assume that the Demon Lords are her equivalent to your Heroes of Light?” Upon hearing my reasonable theory, Luxy sweats profusely and shifts her eyes off to the side. “Unbelievable... Do you two Goddesses just wreck our Realm for the fun of it every now and then?” It’s hard to keep my calm while imagining my home as nothing but an oversized chessboard for the gods.

“Of course not!” Outraged at my accusation, the Goddess slams her fists on each side of her throne before standing up. The clouds hanging in the sky darken with the full force of her wrath, lightning crackling within. “This Demon Lord slash Hero of Light shit is... it’s just...” Luxy sighs, forcing herself to sit down before she gets too worked up. “It’s always been how we’ve settled arguments...”

My right eye begins to twitch from stress. “Have the two of you ever considered settling things in a way that DOESN’T involve an endless parade of suffering upon the Realm?”

“We get fired up, alright?! You wouldn’t understand what it’s like.” She blushes and looks away defensively, her lips puffing out so she can pout. “Besides, I undo a lot of the damage with my miracles when it’s all over, don’t I?”

“Ah, yes, that more than makes up for everything...” I roll my eyes and shake my head. It’s true that because of Karnalle’s constant troubles, Lux Ultima is known to bless the Realm after we make it through an especially tyrannical King or Queen or after a Demon Lord is defeated. Although the dead are never returned to life, lands ravaged by war or demonic influence are brought back to their natural state, castles are fixed, and so on.

“I don’t suppose you’ll tell me what the argument that started this conflict is even about?”

“It doesn’t concern you,” Luxy dismisses me, rather poorly, I might add.

While I have a few harsh things to say in response, I need to let it go. I shouldn’t try and hold this Goddess accountable for every bad thing that’s happened throughout history. I’m not a God, and I can’t pretend that morality means the same thing to me as it does to her. Lux Ultima is omnipotent, and she sees things through the eyes of the divine.

This realization motivates me to finish off my whisky and give the dove another small shot of ambrosia to take to its mistress. While I’m not in the best mood, Luxy’s already answered a few questions back to back by now, and I want to keep her nice and satisfied.

After she drinks more of the nectar of the Gods, I launch my next inquiry. “So, The magic semen... is it supposed to incentivize unprotected sex, or-”

“Nah, you hardly need my help with that.” Luxy snorts while making a playful expression. She has a fair point, but the Goddess just implied something I’m not sure how to feel about.

“Are you telling me you watch me have sex?” I try to react to this with surprise, but I just can’t anymore.

“Details, details!” The bratty-looking deity sighs and shrugs off the answer. She goes on to clarify, “It’s real simple- when you jizz inside of a girl, you’re transmitting bonafide ‘Hero of Light’ power into the lucky lady.”

“Ah, yes. That makes perfect sense,” I nod my head and appreciate just how simple the answer was this time around- despite it being stupid. Looking down at my list, I mentally check off the ones we’ve covered already. Plenty of other important ones to get to, but something overtakes me, and I’m filled with the desire to ask something off the top of my head. “What happens if I refuse to take part in any of this Hero nonsense and simply go on with my daily life as if I were none the wiser?”

Laughing, Luxy shakes her head. “You wouldn’t actually do that, right?”

I wouldn’t, but my poker face is convincing enough to send her into a panic attack.

“R-Right?”

I continue staring back at her in silence. Eventually, the Goddess asks with a cracked voice, “C’mon, man, r-really? Haven’t you upset the old man enough?”

I almost rise out of my seat right then and there in a drunken rage, but using all my self-restraint, I hold off. “That was low,” I mutter through the skin of my teeth. Luxy, suddenly aware of how upset her taunting made me, now blushes and extends her hand. The Goddess grasps at straws, confused and unsure over what to possibly say in apology.

“Shit, I didn’t mean it like that! I mean... um...” Luxy hangs her head and cradles the sides of her face in her palms. “Fuck, there’s a reason I don’t talk to you mortals very much. I’m bad at this if you couldn’t tell. Like... REALLY bad. I didn’t mean to go that far...”

While I’m definitely still angry, I can’t hold it against Luxy when she seems to genuinely feel bad over her choice of words. “Whatever... You didn’t answer the question. What happens if I just say no right here and now?”

“Well, it wouldn’t be great...” Luxy coughs into her hand and shifts around in her seat. “Especially what with... uh... the scale of things, y’know?”

“No, damn it, I don’t know,” My frustration starts to reach a boiling point, no doubt thanks to the whisky in my system. Leaning across the table, I scowl and tell the Goddess, “I don’t know jack shit about any of this, Luxy, and you need to be more forthcoming if you expect me to take any of your words seriously.”

She frowns and shuts her eyes, the stress of getting called out piling up and taking its toll. “Ok, ok... my sister might get mad at me if she finds out I spelled things out for you, but... Karnalle isn’t the only Realm at stake this time. Sis took things a bit too far with the gifts she gave the current Demon Lord, and, uh... well, he’s kinda all over the place these days...”

I can definitely see why that would be a bad thing. Until now, Karnalle’s Demon Lords have always been localized in, well, Karnalle. If our greatest evils started spilling out to the other Realms, then that could only spell trouble. “I’m going to presume there’s some reason you can’t give me the same gifts so that I could properly fight him on the same playing field?”

“Can’t, it’s a power steeped in darkness, not exactly the kind of Godly magic I got in me, y’know?” Luxy sighs and falls back against her throne. “And even if I could, I wouldn’t do it because the Gods of other Realms are already pissed enough as it is thanks to you guys discovering Realm travel a thousand years or ago. Ugh... do you have ANY idea how hard I had to placate the pantheon of Merryburrow after that fucking foot fetishist king invaded? It’s bad enough that the Demon Lord is gallivanting around the Realms... any more than that and... it wouldn’t be pretty.”

“You would think that foreign Gods wouldn’t mind as long as my girls and I were there to help them,”

“Well, do YOU wanna negotiate with Sister Grimm? How about Amaterasu-no-Okami?” After a brief silence, Luxy sighs. “That’s what I thought...”

“The world of Gods seems... much more complicated and political than I gave it credit for.” I look at the Goddess of Light and stare into her glowing blue eyes, seeing in them the same tiredness I often find on my own face after working through stacks of paperwork. Even if only a little, I feel my respect for Luxy starting to grow.

“You don’t even know the half of it...” She groans. Since she looks like she could use another one, I pour her a shot of ambrosia, and she perks up. “Thanks... You aren’t that bad, I guess. Sometimes.”

“I’m starting to think the same of you. Something’s on my mind unrelated to the topic at hand, though.”

“Shoot.” The childish Goddess can’t hold back her excitement upon hearing my opinion of her change.

“How did my grandpa even know I was destined to do battle with the Demon Lord, anyway?”

Shrugging, she rolls her eyes. “I sent a vision to your father telling him that you were going to be the Hero of Light, and sure enough, that made him dump you on your grandpa’s lap just like I wanted him to.”

Sounds like someone was all too eager to get out of responsibility. “That more or less fits with what little I’ve been told about my dear old dad...”

“Please don’t tell me you’re gonna ask me about him...” The Goddess groans as if even thinking about my father is draining.

The thought of me actually caring about my absent paternal figure makes me crack a smile and chuckle. “No, not at all. I have much more important things to ask you about.”

Eager to try and bridge the gap between us, Luxy leans forward in her seat. “Liiiike?”

The gap is not bridged, as my question only widens it. “Since you decided to start interfering in my life, does that mean things are getting worse?”

As per usual, her response says a whole lot more than her words. “Well... things could be worse,” Luxy swallows, twiddling her thumbs. “But, y’know. Things could always be better? I dunno, I hear a lot of shit from my sister, and it’s hard to tell what’s true or not...”

“Hm,” I close my eyes and take the glasses from my face. After pulling a handkerchief from the pocket of my vest, I clean the lens and tell the Goddess, “Thing is, I quite enjoy my life right now, Luxy. I’m not very tempted to give up everything so I can devote myself to some endless battle of good and evil that I didn’t sign up for.”

“Wait, wait, wait!” The Goddess becomes huffy, her face scrunches up with worry and anxiety. “It’s not like there’s a deadline, and it overlaps with your goals anyway! Think about it, mortal, what’s do you want most out of life?”

“To run the greatest Adventurer’s Guild the Realms have ever known,” I respond with conviction as I set the glasses back on my face.

“Exactly! Don’t you think that if you keep doing what you’re doing, then you’ll eventually reach the position where your girls will be asked to fight the Demon Lord anyway?”

I hadn’t thought of it like that. Then again, I try not to think about the Demon Lord situation most of the time due to my personal hang-ups. But if what Luxy is saying is true, then my true goal may very well intersect with my intended path.

“Grow your business, keep expanding your roster of adventurers, and when the time comes to get serious, you’ll already be prepared for the battle at hand!”

“You must have thought this through,” I find myself impressed at her argument. “Seems I don’t have much choice in the matter, then...”

“So you officially accept your position as Hero of Light?!” Luxy stands from her throne and excitedly leans over the table, startling her feathered friend, who flies off.

“Yes, albeit reluctantly,” I sigh. “I’m not THAT much of an asshole, but I still intend on taking my sweet damn time with this.”

“No prob, you have a lot of catching up to do, anyway. The competition has a pretty big head start...”

This perks my eyebrow up, as news of the current Demon Lord’s activities is scarce. His attack on Bridgebury is the only time he’s ever taken action in Karnalle, and that was five years ago. “Do you think we can win?” I ask, knowing Luxy is much more informed on the status of the enemy than I.

Again, her body language and posture suggest a profound lack of confidence. “A-Anything’s possible, right?” She laughs weakly, sitting back down on her throne and nervously tapping her finger against the armrest. After a period of painful silence, the golden Goddess groans. “What else do you wanna know, mortal? I could really use another shot right about now...”

Not a good sign, but I pour Luxy more of the exquisite beverage regardless. “Sure, there’s plenty more left... but you’re going to need to tell me about my eyes.”