Chapter 114 - Democracy is a Joke (Patreon)

Meri and I both sigh for a long time and look at each other in silence after that whole ordeal. We make a wordless agreement that we’ll discuss this after the speeches finish. For now, the two of us turn our attention to the final candidate.

The Crystal Sage is holding the microphone in his hand, trembling and struggling to keep it straight. His lips are blue and almost painted. His eyes are glowing azure, and his swollen veins pump mana-tinted blood throughout his thinly stretched skin.

Just like when I saw this sickly, bald Elf at Abner’s funeral, he’s wearing some ill-fitting blue silken robes. Today, they’re open at the front, and I can see his shiny black and gold trousers and his bare, pale chest.

Unlike the many mana crystal addicts roaming the streets of this Goddess-forsaken town, I get a distinct impression that this Elf is, in fact, definitely a Mage. I don’t think he’d be alive still if he weren’t. I’ve never seen anyone whose body was more thoroughly ravaged by drugs as the Crystal Sage.

“The crystals must flow.” He stammers into the microphone. “You might think they’re already flowing. In a way, they are. And also... in a different way, we’re ALL flowing.” The Elf stares off into the distance as he marvels at his introspection. “Flowing... flowing...”

“Baby focus, we been over this shit, ya dig?” Sir Pimpington jabs the Crystal Sage with the end of his pimp cane.

“Right. Thank you. Lower prices on drugs. More availability. Greater selection. Slightly safer drug dealers. All these things and more does the Crystal Sage promise to those who vote for him.”

“Also, the pimp shit!” Sir Pimpington jabs him once more.

“Yes. All of the stuff my colorful friend went over in his informative speech would be included should I become Mayor. There’s not much difference in voting between the two of us. Sex is wonderful. Drugs are wonderful. But when mixed, yes. All the realms shall flow as one. Flowing... flowing...”

Meri looks at me with confusion, “Why are they even running separately? Wouldn’t that just split their votes?”

My hands begin to rub my temples, and I sigh. “Meri, would that I had the answer for even a single one of this town’s incessant fuckeries.”

The brunette gives me a tender pat on the back with her left hand, and I let it linger. Goddess knows I need it.

Raepface, who somehow remains the straight man in this bizarre situation, asks, “Anything else left to add, or are you done, baldie?”

The Crystal Sage reaches into his robe and fishes out a tremendous rock the size of his fist, plopping it down onto his podium. Then, with his other hand, the Elf pulls out a small wooden wand. He wiggles it and turns the crystal to powder with a single wordless spell. In front of this large audience of several hundred Dewhurstians, this crazy fucker snorts the entire mystical rock all at once.

The Elf’s veins glow brightly off and on like a flickering torch, and the air runs thick with his escaping, uncontrollable mana pressure. A large puff of smoke wisps out of his nostrils as he exhales. The smoke is purple, glittering, and twinkling with fantastic ferocity. It twists and weaves around mid-air like a writhing wyrm until cleanly spelling out ‘VOTE CRYSTAL SAGE’ in the common language.

“I rest my case.” Says the Elf, handing the arcane tech microphone back to Raepface.

The crowd eats this up, as one would predict. They cheer, whistle, and clap for the drug lord, and then Sir Pimpington and the Sage turn to face each other. The two share an emphatic high-five that resonates through the air with a powerful echo. These two seem less like co-workers for the same villainous crime lord and more like they’re sworn brothers.

“Master...?” Meri looks to me with a meek yet distant expression.

“Yes, my dear?”

“Is it normal to just... not even be shocked anymore? Have I finally lost what little innocence I had left...?”

“Give it time.” I sigh. “Something else unbelievable will surely happen.”

Back up at the election platform, Raepface looks at the crowd and says into his microphone. “Alright then. We’ve heard from each candidate about what they’re all about, so like... I dunno. We kinda called this a debate but does anyone give a shit or not if we just stop here? We heard what the candidates are all about. Do we really need to ask questions beyond that?”

This assembly of Dewhurstian citizens lets out a mixed ‘eh’ from their collective mouths. No one seems to care about the debate part of the debate.

“Cool. So...” Raepface looks at the row of unlikely Mayoral candidates and shuffles about in place, unsure of what to do or say. “Come vote tomorrow, I guess? We’ll set up ballots or some shit.” He shrugs.

“Any closing statements?” The moderator walks back to the leftmost podium and extends the microphone to Milly, then goes through each candidate once again.

“LESS TAXING AND LESS RELAXING! PUT LORD GLOOMCREST TO WORK!” The pink-haired Catfolk boy hisses.

“You can’t beat the meat.” The emotionless butcher mutters.

“Gimme a hand, cause I only got one!” Niall beats his chest with his right fist and smiles.

“MO BITCHES, NO PROBLEMS!” Sir Pimpington pops the cork of a bottle of champagne he must have had hidden inside his luxurious pimp coat. Naturally, he then it sprays all over his cheerleading squad.

“Every day, the Crystal Sage lives through a large amount of endless pain.” The twitchy Elf wizard clutches his heart and falls onto the election platform.

The candidates all go their separate ways for that, except for Pimpington and the Sage. The pimp helps the Elf to his feet, who goes on to reward his savior by handing Sir Pimpington a small bag that seems to be full of white and yellow flowers.

The crowd scatters, too, leaving Meri and myself to rise and inevitably walk towards Niall. “What the fuck was that about, Kiddo?”

“The Duke of Dewhurst, apparently.” I shrug my shoulders with indifference, and the homeless beggar looks to Meri.

“Yeah, uh... what he said.” Meri frowns. “It was definitely the Duke.”

“Shit...” Niall’s eyes open wide. “Don’t get yourself killed before I become Mayor, or else I really won’t be able to help you guys out!” He tries to ease some of the tension off, but his attempt falls very flat.

“Indeed...” I say, it being about all I can manage.

“I uh, can’t help but think you’re a little casual about this.” Niall scratches the back of his thick black hair, ruffling its greasy sheen. “Shouldn’t you be a bit more surprised?”

“I think we’re both a bit too strung out on surprises...” Meri answers for me with a weary cadence in her voice.

“Agreed. I’m just putting it out of my mind for the moment. Oh. Before I forget- you did well up there. You can count on my vote.” I offer the drunkard a small, wary smile and watch his face light up.

“Me too! Y-You really stood up for Master. I wasn’t expecting that.” Meri clenches her fists in envy.

“Oh, pfft. Nah. I just said what came to mind, y’know?” Niall looks away as a hint of embarrassment colors his cheeks. “Town wasn’t ready for your grandpa to kick it when he did, and they needed a scapegoat, anyone but themselves.”

“I’ve been saying that for years. It’s good to hear some validation.” I adjust my glasses and wipe the stress from my eyes. The good news is that it does seem like I’m getting better at managing this.

I guess after everything that’s happened in the last week, my resistance to shocking developments has improved. I don’t know whether to be glad or sad that it’s come to this.

“You two heading back to the Guild, then?” Niall places his hand on his hip. “I hope you can wrangle those other adventurer girls of yours into sending their votes my way, too.”

“You don’t think you’ll win this, do you? The man who’ll ultimately fix the ballots showed up here himself. I like what you’ve got to sell, Niall, but I don’t think the Duke is going to be buying. It’s a toss-up between the pimp and the addict.”

“But we’ll... um... we’ll be taking down the Duke once and for all in a few months... r-right?” Meri looks to me as a source of confidence.

“We’ll see how it goes.”

“Quick question, kid. Just to lighten the mood.” Niall smirks and works his way behind my back, wrapping an arm around me. Rather than shrugging off, I let him do it.

“Shoot.”

“So... those girls... they’re ALL your girlfriend, right?” The homeless vagabond looks at me with an expression mixed between confusion, pride, and jealousy.

Nope, I shrug Niall off after all. “I-I don’t see what difference that makes-”

“Woah there, Kiddo, I am NOT fuckin’ judging!” He laughs and slaps me on the back. “Just happy for ya. Bout time the ladies started seeing what a catch you are... Good eye, Meri.”

Meri blushes and cups her cheeks in her palms. “Oh... u-um... actually, Master went after me first... I was scared of him at first, if you can believe that! But he wouldn’t give up, and then Master cornered me one night, and... and...!” My brunette lover sighs dreamily while my alcoholic, homeless headache shoots me a shit-eating grin.

I grab Meri by the wrist and start walking away from the beggar, my cheeks becoming redder. “That’s enough airing out my private affairs for one day, dear. Let’s get back to the Guild. We need to check on Zutiria after all.”

“Do we?” Meri giggles as she waves at Niall. “He’s not so bad, though, Master! You... um... even act pretty cute when he teases you, too...”

Niall must’ve heard that because he winks at me before turning away.

“Gods damn it...” I mumble under my breath, wishing I had a shield of my own to hide behind.