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2. The Stupidest Princess

Was I really going to do this? Now? I picked up the knife and held it in front of my eyes, judging it with my analytical prowess. This shitty old thing definitely wouldn’t do the job. Thing is, I sold all the old weapons laying around a few years back. With no heroes staying here at the Guild I had no reason to keep any of them around, they were all just gathering dust ever since old adventurers left them here as spares. Nobody would miss them.

This dinky old iron is the last actual weapon I had lying around, I think it belonged to a halfling, or maybe a gnome. It was hardly a short sword, much closer to a knife than anything else… Kept it for self defense but I really should have kept a sword or something else instead.

“Will this dull thing even cut?” My eyes tell me no, but I can’t help thinking about it aloud. Out of morbid curiosity I pressed the blade up against my arm, nowhere lethal obviously but it had me thinking. Being alone in a dark room tends to make one do that.

With the edge pressing up into my skin, I let out a deep sigh. I don’t want to become an adventurer. I’m fucking middle aged now, I’m not unhealthy or anything but I’m not suited to pack it all up and go out slaying monsters. It’s way too damn late for me to pick up a new trade…!!

One last time. I close my eyes and nearly sob, as I think to myself just one last chance, please… I don’t care who is listening to my inner thoughts. Whether it be any of the Gods or Goddesses on high or the Demon Lord himself, just someone- ANYONE- please let an adventurer in search of a quest burst through my doors right now…

… As if on command, my doors suddenly explode into a mess of splinters as a red boot kicks right through them. Powerful and efficient, my decrepit halls just became that much more ruined, but at the moment I don’t care. My eyes can tell just from this alone that whoever did this had power. Lots of it.

I look up to the figure who now stands in my doorway, silhouetted from the light shining behind them. They step forward with purpose and confidence, not walking into my Guild so much as… swaggering. As soon as they enter fully I’m finally given a better look at them. Perhaps my analytical super eyes were too distracted by the divine intervention to see so straight away, but currently I’m gazing at without a doubt one of the most beautiful girls I’ve ever seen.

A blonde, pigtailed warrior with scrappy, tousled hair, healthy, young pink skin, and extremely revealing red armor stands before me. She has a determined, badass look on her face that seems to be looking way off in the middle distance with her shiny green eyes. She wears red gloves with black sleeves, a brown and gold belt across her hips, and matching red boots with black thigh highs which dig perfectly into her upper legs. Besides this her only clothing is a red armored bra covering her chest, red shoulder platings and an embarrassingly revealing red piece of armor plating covering her lady bits.

Why would she wear this? Was she expecting someone to stab her in the pussy and ignore all of her perfectly exposed skin? I thought armour was meant to protect your vitals, but what the fuck do I know. Maybe it’s the new fad among adventurers, not like I see many these days.

Her body is slim but curved exactly where it should be. She’s tall, but not taller than me. My analytical senses are telling me she’s about 5’10 or so? and with breasts that… ok, my eyes can tell immediately that they’re on the lower end of a D cup and they look phenomenal. What? She broke in wearing almost nothing but a bikini. I’m not gross for checking out what she’s putting on display.

All this is topped off with one gigantic fuck off iron slab of a sword strapped to her back. The fact that she could haul that thing around with breasts like those makes me wonder if this chick has ever even heard of back problems.

She would look graceful and stern if not for the little freckles on both sides of her cheeks, and a cute little bandaid on her nose. Together, they added an edge of youthful energy to her look that made me wonder how old she was. Shit, I wasn’t just checking out a kid, was I? Ugh, being a virgin can take you to some dark fucking places I swear.

Yes, I know what I just said, no, I’m not going to monologue about it right now. I have a situation to deal with.

“Sup, Boss?” She broke all expectations of her being a serious knight with just two words, her dour, grumpy looking face twisting into one of casual familiarity. Her voice is youthful and energetic, like an enthusiastic tomboy should sound.

“I’m here for some Quests, you got any good ones on… the… board…?” She stops her question as her eyes get a better look at me, or more specifically, what I’m doing. She doesn’t understand the context… She only sees a sad looking man in shades sitting in a dark and lonely room with a knife pressed up against his skin. I can hardly fault her for jumping to the conclusion she did.

With an unexpected savagery she stomps towards me so hard I worry that she’ll destroy the Guild’s wooden flooring- her face contorting into fierce rage as she does so. She deftly rips my knife hand away from my arm and with her free one, she smacks me across the face. Except for my eyes, I have never experienced pain that rivaled the power of this warrior girl’s assault in my entire life. It felt as if she slapped my soul right out of my face.

With exaggerated tears and fear in her face she looks me straight in the eyes with her piercing green glare. “BOSS, DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT! YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR!!”

I stare at her incredulously. Normally I’d pick up her implication immediately but I was more than a little stunned by the searing pain in my cheek. “Excuse me?”

The girl takes the knife from my hand as if she were a concerned mother taking away something dangerous her child was about to shove in their mouth. She breaks the knife in half with alarming ease, as if snapping a twig. If the sword, the slap and the kick weren’t convincing enough to prove her incredible power, this cemented it. “I know your Guild looks shitty and all, but that’s no reason to kill yourself!”

I blink silently, momentarily speechless. “Kill myself?”

With no warning she scoops me up and hugs me to her impressive breasts, causing me to blush furiously. They’re soft and warm, sure, but most of them are covered in her breastplate and being forced headfirst into iron hurts. Currently I don’t care because I’m enjoying the valley of titflesh like a stupid pervert as she tries her best to comfort me and convince me not to do something I wasn’t going to do in the first place.

“It’s not worth it! We can work through this, Boss, and we’ll sort this place out! Once I get moved in and all that and get some Quest money flowing, we could start planning some renovations. This place could look a lot more bitchin’ for sure. We need like, weapons hanging from every wall and trophies from slain monsters on display everywhere! And then we should-”

“Alright hold the fuck up.” I raise my hand in objection as she squeezes me tighter to her iron chest. “There was a lot to unpack there but let’s start with the basics. I wasn’t going to kill myself.”

“Wha?” She blushes and suddenly stops hugging me into her tits. Skeptically, she looks at me with a raised eyebrow.

“I was considering a change of careers. That knife is- WAS the only weapon I had lying around and I was wondering if it could even cut. You see, I was thinking about becoming an adventurer.” I sigh wistfully at my words as I say them.

The warrior girl looks at me quizzically before her cheeks puff out, trying to hold back laughter. She fails miserably and erupts into a childish fit so loud that she bends over and holds her stomach for support. I wait for her to finish but she just keeps looking at me and laughing harder. Just as I decide she’s starting to really piss me off, she slams her fist down on the wooden desk and a decent chunk breaks off, making friends with the dust on the floor.

Tits or not, I have decided I hate this girl.

“YOU? An adventurer?! Boss c’mon stop fucking with me…! What are you, like 40?”

I indulge in a nervous habit of mine as I adjust my shades from irritation. “I am only 32. I’m sure I could make it if I tried.”

“32? I guess you’re not THAT much older than me.” She giggles a rough, tomboyish laugh. “But don’t kid yourself, Boss. You know most heroes start training from a young age right? Course you do, you’re a Guild Master!”

Sighing, I admit her point because it’s what I’ve known all along. Even if I’m supposed to defeat the Demon Lord or whatever such ominous bullshit, I missed that chance 22 years ago. I’m not out of shape by any means, hell I exercise pretty frequently and I think I look pretty damn good for my age, but being fit doesn’t mean I can just up and start fighting monsters at the drop of a hat.

“Yes. I’m the Master of an empty Guild. My savings are likely to run out by the end of the year and I’ve got no idea what else to do with my life.” I don’t know why I’m being so open with this annoying warrior, but despite her stupidity and brashness she comes off as very comforting and open. Like talking about this stuff with her isn’t a big deal.

“Well shit, yeah, I guess that’s pretty fucked. I thought Dewhurst was THE village of Adventurers?”

Her words make me sigh from deep disappointment. “You’re 22 years too late. I think you want to head to Perlshaw, they’ll be better able to take care of you than I ever could here.”

“N-NO!” She immediately slams her fists down on the desk, large cracks now making inroads through the once pleasant veneer. I sigh, deciding it’s not worth confronting her about the ongoing property damage she’s causing.

“I’m not going to Perlshaw- WAY too close to the royal city.” The warrior nervously sweats.

“… You’re not some kind of criminal, are you?”

“WHAT?! OF COURSE NOT!” SLAM. My poor desk. Rest in pieces.

I size her up, beginning to make use of my special eyes now that she’s raised a potential red flag. She seems nice enough, I don’t see any signs of her being dishonest. All I can sense from her is fear and apprehension, not at the world Perlshaw, but specifically from ‘royal city’.

Deciding to try and be a bit playful, I sarcastically jest, “Then I guess that makes you an escaped Princess on the run, your father tried to marry you off to some gross nobleman and you, being a tomboy who always favored the sword over etiquette, said fuck it once and for all and left, right?”

The look she gave me right then made me colossally regret my choice of teasing. It was the face of a child who was caught in a massive lie and, trying to maintain innocence, was avoiding any and all eye contact with the one who called her out.

Shit.

“AHAHAHA, W-what the fuck are you on about, Boss? Me? Princess Samantha?! Y-You should try being a jester if this shit doesn’t work out, not a-a adventurer…!!” I have never seen a human being sweat so much in my life, and since she was wearing almost nothing that means her entire body was practically coated in her wetness. If I wasn’t so astounded by, well, apparently by the fucking Princess’s stupidity I would probably be pretty turned on right now at the sight.

“… Well then what’s your name?”

“S-S-Sam, see?!” Still just as nervous, she fumbles her gloved hand inside her breast plate to pull out a small card and presents it to me. Standard issue hero-ing license from the Association of Adventurers, lowest rank, Bronze. My eyes take in all the details on offer. Sam, 18 years old, human, her class is Great Blader. I could have guessed that one, those fucks are just fighters who hate defending and think that it’d kick ass if their swords were REALLY big.

It’s not a fake license, I definitely would have noticed if it was. And I learned one important fact from it at the very least, that she was thankfully legal.

“Just Sam, huh?” I hand it back to her. “Is that short for anything…?”

She scoffs like I were stupid, “Well duh, It’s short for Sama-” Sam stops herself and panics before looking to the side. “Sam…ilda.”

“What kind of a fucking name is Samilda?”

“FAKE NAMES ARE HARD, OK?! I’VE NEVER DONE THIS BEFORE!!” I blink twice, trying to ascertain if she’s really this dumb. “…Is what I WOULD be saying if Sam…ilda was a fake name and not a real name- which it is. It’s mine.”

If my desk were not already broken I would slam my face on it out of frustration.

“Look, you’re obviously not leaving till I hook you up with a quest, ‘Samilda’ so let’s get you saddled up with something appropriate to your skill level.” I pour on the business charm, the lack of customers never dried up the skills, decorum and speechcraft I spent so long learning. I stand up from the ruins of what used to be my favorite desk. “You’re obviously a new adventurer, since Humans can’t get certified until they’re 18. Regardless, I need to know your quest experience thus far. How long ago were you certified?”

Sam beats her fist against her exposed breast like a proud gorilla. “Yesterday, my birthday!”

Her words break my composure as I start sweating nervously.

Seeing my level of comfort drop greatly, Sam sports a shit-eating grin across her face and she leans closer to me. She teasingly begins to run her gloved finger against my pecs, and just from looking down I can see a massive helping of young cleavage. “Boss, what’s the matter? You weren’t worried about whether or not I was legal or not, were you?” She giggles as she enjoys watching my blush grow redder and redder.

Sam eventually stops waiting for my response and playfully punches me in the arm softly(for her, it still leaves a large bruise). “You’re pretty damn cute, Boss, not gonna lie. Mmmm, you know… if a poor little warrior girl with daddy issues walked in I bet she’d hardly know where to start with you~”

“…Thanks.” I look away. It was already patently obvious she had daddy issues, but I was surprised to hear her drop it so readily.

It is time to reveal the truth about myself. Yes, I am a virgin. Yes, I have tried. As I said before earlier in my self pitying monologue, no one in this village really likes me, most of the people my age have moved to other, more prosperous villages(like Perlshaw…) and the town whore refused my coin when I told her I couldn’t take my glasses off during the deed. She wouldn’t even let me take her from behind, as ‘she’d still know’.

Doing the deed without my shades on is… not possible. My eyes would hurt WAY too much and I’d notice a million things about my partner that would make me flaccid instantly. Individual hairs growing… microscopic pimples… various nasty shit.

I live vicariously through erotic fiction and have since resigned myself to a life of sexual isolation. So this teasing was fucking with me REALLY hard. Before I can even stop her, I suddenly find her hand on my glasses and my heart stops.

“I bet Daddy would look cuter if he took these things off, though. They’re cool and all but c’mon, this place is dark as shit. Who are you trying to impress here?” She giggles and takes them off my face.

Reflexively I step back and cover my eyes behind my hands, the brief exposure would cause great pain if I wasn’t careful. Her playful demeanor is instantly replaced with sincere concern and it’s clear she hates herself for whatever she inadvertently did to me.

“D-DADDY?! YO BOSS I’M SORRY HERE HERE- HAVE THEM, HAVE THEM!!” Sam hurriedly places the glasses into my hands with intense urgency and small tears start to form in the corners of her eyes.

For some reason I can’t explain, I… I did something I would never do. I looked at Sam. And… it didn’t hurt.

My heart starts beating even faster than when she was teasing me sexually. I can see her the way I assume normal people are able to look at each other, no unintentional zooming in, no noticing all the gross things about a human body that would turn me off, no. All I see is the single most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen.

Logically, my mind is telling me that she must have the most natural beauty of anyone in the world and I’m not noticing any gross things because she simply has none. But then again that’s not very logical either, is it? Everyone has gross things about them. Sam was not an exception… well, she WAS an exception, but only when talking about my eyes.

I don’t know why I knew she was special, but she was. There was no doubt. I stood there just staring straight into her eyes for what felt like hours. They were the most beautiful emeralds I’ve ever seen and I wanted to just keep staring regardless of how much of a creep I was being.

Sam, sensing there was something weird about this beyond me being a creep, did not blush or become awkward, but instead stared at me straight back in complete seriousness. “Boss… are you… ok?”

She wasn’t judging me at all, she was honestly and entirely worried for my sake and thinking of nothing else. Her kindness overwhelmed me… I wish I wasn’t such a cynical piece of shit. Not even ten minutes ago I decided I hated this girl, but it seemed so far away now.

This was too much to process right now. I needed the glasses back on my face or else I wouldn’t be able to look away. Out of worry she placed her hand on my right cheek and it pushed me over the edge. I… I… started crying. Hard. I can’t stop staring… please… help.

Sam gasps- panic rising in her until she decides to push forward and take the glasses I held limply in my hand and shove them onto my face. “C’mon Boss, snap out of it…! I’m sorry, I’m so sorry I took your glasses, please… please don’t be upset at me…!!” She looks devastated at the idea of disappointing me.

Her sincerity snaps me out of whatever trance I was in and I stumble backwards, falling back onto the dusty, wooden wall. “I’m… I’m ok…” I raise my hand towards her to assure her, wiping my tears and looking away from her radiance for fear of it happening again.

“Uh, yeah right, what the FUCK was that…?!” She doesn’t believe me and gets up in my face, obviously concerned. I wish she wouldn’t… I don’t like feeling like this. She smells nice.

I’m an asshole, and a cynic. I don’t want to suddenly feel like I want to spend the rest of my life with some random barely legal Princess I literally just met. I need to try and change the topic and pretend this never happened.

“I… need my glasses for medical reasons. They’re dwarven made- enchanted, I…” I struggle with trying to figure out just how much of what I just experienced I should relay to her and how best to describe my condition. “My eyesight is magic or some shit. It’s… too good if that makes sense. I can’t focus it and having my glasses off for even a split second… hurts. A lot. Even more than when you slapped me.” I let out a cheap laugh, trying to ease the tension between us.

She doesn’t take the hint.

Sam takes my hands in hers and my heart explodes. She’s wearing gloves, but for some reason I feel like I can feel the warmth of her hands just from this. She looks at me straight in the eyes, no bullshit.

“No. Whatever just happened to you, I know for sure you weren’t in pain when you were staring at me just now…” She squeezes me tighter in an attempt to comfort me but I can’t take it, I pull away and start walking away from this situation towards the quest board on the other side of the room.

“Thank you for the concern, yes thank you very much indeed haha, let’s get you all set up ok?” I lost all of my superficial charm during whatever the fuck just happened. “Here is Dewhurst’s very own quest board. We don’t get a lot of work but it’s standard to display simple shit at all times. Like this, a classic.”

I take off a quest flier and hand it out to her. Sam is currently crossing her arms and staring at me with great worry, her expression returning to that slightly grumpy determined look she came in with.

“Y’know, I’m planning on living here. We don’t have to do this right now. You need someone to look after you and frankly I don’t wanna leave you alone right now, Boss.”

The thought of her staying here was way too much for me to bear currently. Sure, an Adventurer’s Guild is supposed to always have spare rooms and dorms for adventurers who would prefer to lodge here instead of staying at pricy inns… but all of those rooms are dilapidated beyond belief thanks to my neglect. The only room that was livable was my room, and it only had one bed…

Legally she could force me to accommodate her, and even though she was avoiding the law I doubt talking to the village guards about me refusing to give her room and board would get her caught and shipped back to her life as a Princess.

She refuses to take the flier from my hands and continues to stare at me stubbornly. I sigh deeply and further try and push the paper into her hands.

“Look, this is… totally fucking normal.” I lie, and she knows it. “I know how to handle myself. Just… please go on this quest and give me some time alone for a bit to sort things out. It’s super simple, you won’t even be gone an hour. Just head to the outskirts and slay five slimes. Please.” I look at her pleadingly.

Sam apparently decides that my terms aren’t so bad and takes the quest flier from me, but doesn’t break eye contact with me while doing so. She stuffs it in her breastplate again, causing me to stare at her tits extremely blatantly, but when I look up at her again she doesn’t seem to mind. She’s still just worried.

“Go rest, Boss. Now. I’ll be back and we can talk about my lodgings… and whatever is going on with you when I get back. Ok?”

I nod my head, surprisingly weak willed. Her voice comforts me, it’s confident and brash… gives me something to latch on to while I try and sort my messed up emotions.

“Yeah. Don’t worry. I’ll be right as rain be the time you return, alright?” I try and feign a confident smile but judging by the look on her face I can tell it wasn’t very successful.

“…Good.” I don’t need my analytic eyes to tell me she doesn’t believe me, but she turns around and starts heading to the door she mercilessly kicked in.

Although her huge sword covers a fair bit of it, my eyes are instantly drawn to the shape of her behind as it sways its way out of the building. It’s big. Meaty. Despite her strength, it’s shape is not hindered by muscles at all and instead is smooth and rounder than any ass I’ve ever seen. Worst of all is that apparently that skimpy little crotch plate panties she’s wearing is apparently a t-back thong when viewed from behind, and the only thing it accomplishes besides(very arguably) covering her asshole, is arousing me to my core.

“See ya in a bit, Boss…?” She turns back to face me, still concerned, until her eyes trail downwards and she blushes fiercely. While not quite as playful as earlier and very clearly still worried for me, she seems relieved for some reason.

“You might wanna take care of that, Daddy. It’ll calm you down a lot.” She licks her lips teasingly and looks down one more time at my… pelvis…? Before finally leaving the building with a smile on her face.

I look down in horror at my pants to be greeted with the biggest erection I’ve ever had in my life threatening to tear my pants asunder unless it’s freed. I just… exposed myself… to a fucking Princess fuh… fourteen years younger than me… who turned legal fucking YESTERDAY.

I felt ashamed. I felt confused. Nothing about today has made sense, I was supposed to be closing the Guild and becoming an adventurer, what the fuck is all this shit?!

The only thing I know for sure right now… is… is that I need to masturbate more than I ever have before, and I need to do it right fucking now in this very room.