The Gamer Chapter 1420 – Thorough Grinding 12 – Farming Gift Bosses (Patreon)


The fully plated knight sat in a lesser throne, the green banner of his part of the citadel waving above him, moved by the exhaust of what may have been the last two functioning pipes in the entire area. Between him and the party was a vast, open space, the ruined buildings and rubble conveniently forming a circle with four large pillars remaining near the centre. There were no poison pools in this area, not even a trace of noxious green, as if the Raid boss had cleaned away all of it.

“Do we tango with that?” Rave asked.

“No, I think we’re done here,” John responded. It had taken them 9 days, but they had finally hit the final encounter of one of the wings of Astria. Four of those days had been spent on the final Class Challenge of Metracana Master, so five was the better estimate for what had been actually invested in Astria alone. “He’s level 615 and I want to at least try the max difficult version of the final boss.”

“So we just pick another path next and follow that until we hit the final boss? Repeat that until we’re out of time?”

“Actually, depending on how the second path goes, I want to check something,” the Gamer responded. “There was no resistance between the fortress and the first boss of the poison area. If that’s repeated everywhere…”

“…Then we can just fuck up three easy bosses in quick succession and get the Class Level,” Salamander completed the sentence for her summoner.

“It’ll be the most efficient way to go about this,” John added with a smile. “Also I want to face the shovel area next… that area has to be a meme.” Sometimes Gaia’s references were exceedingly blatant and having a literal Shovel Knight, well, that was basically a carbon copy.

Where the poison area had, at least initially, resembled a thriving city, the shovel area of the citadel could only be described as a vacant lot. The space was wide and open, with only the occasional house standing around, overseeing digging pits that sparkled with many gemstones. Had there been more rock than dirt, John would have thought he had stumbled into a dwarven area.

A dirt road meandered through the grass plain, leading up to a massive wall that further segmented the area. Up from the watcher’s area, they could make out that the party was heading towards a massive pit. It began behind the wall and ended beyond it, as if there was something about it that needed to be contained. Further beyond that was an actual city. John would be interested to see it from up close.

Sylph attempted to fly ahead. An action that got her bombarded with scattershots of gems and magic. Prepared for this, she dropped back down long before the projectiles could reach her. The anti-flying measures here were more direct, which had its advantages and disadvantages. The threat of being hit was made up by the potential of weaving through the hits. For those sufficiently daring and able, it gave wiggle room for risky strategies.

“Be wary, all ye that enter, for beyond this wall lingers the seal of the Shovel Knight, containing the Enchantress most wicked. To pass ye must pass the trial of the shovel and the gem and of companionship, true,” John read out an inscription atop the gate. “Sounds weird, but that’s the confirmation that we don’t have to expect resistance up until the boss – assuming this is the boss.”

“Could just be another parkour trial,” Rave stated.

“The environmental storytelling tells me otherwise. Although that’s just a hunch – no, wait,” he pointed at a teleporting pad right next to the gate. “There’s the confirmation. Gaia is not in the habit of putting checkpoints in random places.”

“So we beat whatever is behind this gate, then go for the next area?

“That’s the plan,” John confirmed. “Let’s start with beating this one bit.”

They entered the area and were presented with ten conspicuously placed shovels. Like the Excaliburs of digging equipment, they were rammed into the ground. Another inscription was located on a wall behind them. “Take heed, all ye that enter, and these shovels, for they are the tools of shovelry.”

Salamander snorted at the pun, John cackled, everyone else groaned or didn’t care. The party looked around for the boss, so that the Gamer may do his Observe and Lorelei her prophecy. When they found none, they called the seer in.

“Your challenge lies in digging. The treasures of the earth are yours to gain, as are the dangers buried below. Time must be on your side or you will fall into the deepest black,” Lorelei foretold.

“Right, so this is an environmental boss,” John summarised. “We’ll have to dig up gems, judging by our way here, while defeating enemies. Also there’s a timer? Sounds like the ground is going to disappear as we continue.”

That was exactly what happened.

The first attempt was a confused affair. They grabbed the shovels, after Lorelei had left, and scattered out. After the whole Oklahoma vacation, they had a lot of practice when it came to digging, John especially. That was when it came to just digging down. This was a little different, since they were both searching for and excavating something. Not knowing what to look for made them waste extreme amounts of time – as did the monsters they activated with their digging. There were skeletons, living armour, giant badgers and even monstrous termite colonies. Typically, these monsters were weak enough that they could be beaten one on one, but sometimes an elite variety spawned.

As the battle continued, the expected holes opened up. Vast, open spaces that led down into the Abyss. John was unlucky enough to stand in one such area when it opened up. He tried to fly away, but the yawning Abyss pulled him underneath like a whirlpool. To fall under the map in reality was an experience and a half. He spawned back in the Intermediary Barrier.

It took them until attempt five to get a real sense of where to go to actually find any gemstones. There were subtle markers in the landscape that signalled pockets of gemstones in the field of dirt, sand, and pebbles. They also found out that there were always at least some gemstones in the vicinity of a monster lair, so that was abusable.

The gathered gemstones had to be brought to a cauldron located opposite of the entrance. Once the cauldron was full, the boss fight would end – presumably.

Speed was the name of the game. They filled the party with those that could move fast and excelled at duelling. It all felt less than a Raid fight and more like a minigame. A welcome change of pace, just dealing with powerful monsters all the time could get quite dull.

It took them a total of 17 attempts to get it done, which equalled roughly four hours invested. Among the Loot was a permanent upgrade to the Mine’s and Silicate Island’s provided equipment. A useful boon to Fusion’s industrial capacity. Beyond that, the Loot was not worth mentioning. A Level Up was earned as well. The gate ahead opened and was summarily ignored.

They took a short break, then moved on to the ice area of the citadel. Unsurprisingly, the stone buildings there were frosted over, much of the ground turned slippery by the ice. Simulated people moved on shoes with broad soles or skated down quick lanes. Many of them were accompanied by large beasts, a fusion of husky and polar bear. For the third time, there was no hurdle to reach the first boss.

It was the Den Mother of the aforementioned beasts. The fight was straightforward from the start. Grab its attention, attack it, dodge any countermeasures. A typical tank-and-spank, made a little more difficult by the demands of a game engine without target locking. Wide swipes forced the fighters back, charges relocated the fights, and tanks were chosen more by the whims of the Den Mother than successful taunts.

It took them only 9 attempts to get used enough to the attack patterns to kill the beast. Another 2 Level Ups, another variety of cuteness in the Menagerie, and a couple more weapons for the elites in the army.

They went to the final of the four gift bosses on the morning of the tenth day. The fourth segment of the Raid was metal themed, the buildings there grey and covered in plates of thick steel. There was little business here – until they came across the boss.

A large gathering of people surrounded a fenced off area containing only two things. One was a tall wall with numerous holes in it – the kind of equipment that looked like it belonged on a child’s playground. The other was a man in clothing of red and white stripes, covered all over with little bells that rang as he ran around like a headless chicken, shouting random insults and jokes.

The Jester was the first boss of the area. Lorelei warned them that their attacks would not strike true until they had retaliated for insults received. With that in mind, they concentrated on dodging the attacks of the Jester.

It was difficult. The boss operated on cartoon logic, pulling all manners of weapons from his pockets or hat. They were assaulted by a tornado of piranhas, a rolling cabbage stand, a rain of thunderbolts, and an Abrams tank, among many other things. It was a constant barrage of crazy, difficult to keep up with.

Then, the Jester suddenly stopped. “Oh, time for my shift!” he shouted and ran over to the wall like a wacky inflatable tube man. “Row up, customers, row up – if you know how to do that!” Going with the flow, the party soon did. Sylph took point and the Jester repeatedly peeked his head out of the various holes. “Get your shots in order, you only get one each – and do not shoot too quick!”

John looked down at his hand, when he felt something appear in it. It was an overripe tomato. ‘Ahhh, that’s where this is going,’ he thought. Behind him, Gnome let out an ‘Eeep’ and dropped hers. “You’ll need it,” John informed her.

“Ewwww,” Gnome whined and picked the half-splattered, squishy vegetable up again. As much of it as remained, at least.

The Jester finally stopped moving and leered at the front of the row. “Let’s see here – Oh boy, I get presented with a little kid first. Wow, did mommy allow you to go out with that tripping hazard that you call hair?”

“My hair is gorgeous! How dare you, you stupid, mean meanie face!” Sylph babbled, outraged. “And I will have you know that I do all the adult stuff all the time!”

“Don’t know, don’t care, chance passed, next!” the Jester stated, the tomato disappearing from the hand of the palavering air spirit. An invisible hand picked the foot stomping air spirit up and placed her at the side. Siena was second. “Oh wow, I would bother insulting you, but you look like you’d enjoy it.”

“Huh?” The shadow spirit looked flabbergasted. Then she shook her head and tossed the tomato. Whether it was the squishiness of it or the confusion from the comment, her aim was off that slight bit. The Jester just cackled as the red streak passed by his ear.

Beatrice was third and she launched the tomato without a second’s hesitation. It splattered against an invisible wall. “No, no,” the Jester tutted. “You have to wait your turn, just like you have to wait to wash your hands.”

An electric crackle accompanied the passive maid’s hiss, once she noticed the tomato had left some notable red stains on her black glove. It ruined her symmetry and there were few things worse for her.

“Oh look, a dog. Hey, I think your friend dropped a bit of tomato over there, be a good girl and lick that off the ground.” The Jester paid for his words with a tomato straight to the face. The crowd all around cheered. Pieces of overripe vegetable slouched off the boss. “You throw like a girl!”

“Yeah, yeah, keep fucking trying,” Metra waved off and marched to the back of the line.

“And here we have the grand Gamer himself everyone! Please clap. For his self-esteem. His oh so fragile self-esteem. Please, please clap.”

‘I get worse than that on the daily,’ the Gamer thought and tossed the tomato. He tried to, anyway, but the skin slipped off the slimy interior. All he created was a splatter on the floor. Grumbling, he made room for Gnome.

“Hey, you’re the failure that can’t even hold a tomato!” The Jester raised his hand, fingers wiggling as if he was massaging something soft. “Here I thought you’d be used to handling squishy balls by now.”

Gnome took a deep breath and drew her arm back. Despite her blush, she delivered the most satisfying throw yet, slamming her already damaged tomato straight into the open grin on the laughing Jester. The boss spat and choked, at the same time, coughing while Undine came forth. “You… urgh… you’re probably the same consistency as the slime in my mouth right now.”

Undine’s hair trembled for a moment, but she retained her calm and delivered the third tomato hit to the boss.

The rest of the party stepped forth, one after the other getting their chance to get roasted and to smack a tomato in the Jester’s face. Once all 10 of them were through, the Jester fell from the wall with a surprised “GWACK!”.

That was their chance to strike. They showered the Jester with retribution, primarily for what he had said to Gnome. No one called the cuddle rock a failure and got away with it for long.

The Jester got away with it for about 4 hours. 4 hours filled with the surreal back and forth of being bombarded with all manners of wacky area attacks and throwing tomatoes at a mean clown. In those four hours, they heard every variation of every insecurity they displayed and learned how to optimally throw tomatoes.

Siena had the lowest hit rate out of all of them by the end. Once the shoe jokes started dropping, so did the shadow spirit’s accuracy. The high score was a competition between Metra, Beatrice and Nia. Those three had the right combination of patience and self-control to nail most shots.

Even on the successful attempt, they needed three rounds of getting insulted and everyone nailing their tomato throw to kill the Jester. Once that was done, John was another 2 Level Ups richer. Overlap EXP and Experience of Love got him right to that coveted Level 570.

It was time to get the final Perk of the Golemcrafter Class.