Wolves, Herbs, and Communications (Patreon)

‘Aside from me pinning you down and showing you what a ‘brat breaking’ really is, what do you want to do when you get your body?’

‘…Okay, that’s way more direct than anything you said before.’

‘Do we need to keep up the pretences?’ The Gamer strut confidently through the forest. ‘I’m not actually going to pin you down and brat break you at the first opportunity – but I definitely would like to. I absolutely respect if you want me to put in the additional legwork of romancing you after you get out of your current situation though.’

‘I, uhm, uhhhh.’ Delicia was audibly overwhelmed by the confession. ‘Are you… offering… like seriously, are you offering for me to join your harem?’

‘I have the tacit agreement of everyone else,’ the Gamer responded. There had been no official gathering on the matter, but after all this time of each of them having the opportunity to privately talk to Delicia, no complaints had been raised. Her joining had been implied since the moment John had researched ways to heal her. If there was a single blocking factor, it was that Delicia and Nightingale had not been in that kind of relationship with each other, nor seen each other that way. The lewdness that marked many of John’s relationships had not retroactively infected their backstory. Turned out most women were friends with each other without sexual tension.

Weird, that.

‘So, nice trees, right?’ Delicia rapidly changed the topic.

John contemplated whether he would let her get away with that. Did he need an answer from her right now? Not really. There was no chance she would pack up never to be seen again after getting her body, even if he was now capable of releasing her immediately. He was confident that Delicia wanted him. Whether she wanted proper courting, he let her decide.

John thought it could go either way. Delicia did not strike him as the sort of person that waited long to get what she wanted. She had discarded her body after less than ten minutes of thought. Once she was certain she wanted him, and the Gamer was sure she did, he expected her to entice him at the first opportunity. Alternatively, because she seemed so weak to sincere things, it could be that this was the exception to her typical straightforwardness. John quietly hoped for a combination of the two, for her to bashfully try to seduce him into doing with her as he wanted.

‘Pretty nice trees,’ the Gamer agreed, having concluded that he would play along. He reached out to one of the trees and let his hand glide over the smooth bark. The sensation was transmitted to Delicia. Even if much of the time passed her by in stasis, he wanted to give her some enrichment beyond just talking to her. ‘Not sure we have any like them at home.’

‘I thought you had that super great Logging thing? Not so confident in it anymore?’

‘Right, totally that. It’s not that Gaia probably got lazy and placed some low-effort models in this world.’ John turned his head and looked at the forest in all of its detail. Grass covered the ground universally, no matter how close to a tree it was.

Any laws of biodiversity or requirements for photosynthesis were entirely ignored, there was just grass, trees, and a very obvious, single plant sticking out of the ground. In its deep green colour and with its outstandingly triangular leaves, it just screamed, ‘I AM A SPECIAL HERB!’.

Similarly, the wolf that was now running at John out of nowhere was the very embodiment of a starting area wolf. On its own, with an oddly big mane, looking mean, yet not so large that it created the impression that it was actually impressive. Observe identified it as a level 10 enemy. In terms of his system, that made it as weak as it could be without being a laughing stock even to mundanes.

When the wolf lunged at John’s neck, he gave it a mid-flight slap. What had been a ‘living’ creature one moment instantly turned into an explosion of cracked bones and fur. Before the gore could even splatter on the ground, the head evaporated into ash and dust. An audible ping let John know the kill had been registered by the Quest.

‘I’m sure she’s too busy to care about someone like you?’

‘The hell is that supposed to mean?’ the Gamer asked, while stomping towards the herb. ‘She’s been aiding me all this time, she’s omnipotent, and you think she can’t take a moment to cobble together a halfway decent questing area?’

‘Man, she’s been aiding you all this time and you’re still being this demanding? You sure hang on to Gaia’s thighs, huh? No, thighs are too good for you. You hang onto her ankles! Getting dragged around by her, as she sighs and groans, and throws you the occasional treat. Oh, you’re a dog! Hey, bark for me, John.’

‘I’m not a dog!’ the Gamer refuted and ripped the herb out of the ground. It disintegrated in his palm. Unlike the wolf, it glittered golden, as the particles drifted upwards. The Quest ticker went up one.

‘Then why is all I am hearing angry barking?’

‘If you can respond to my statement, it can hardly have been all bark, can it?’

‘Sorry, what was that? I only hear ‘woof, woof, woof!’

‘You’re a useless, smug blabbermouth. Can’t even brew a thing without hands.’

‘Hey! I’d put together the best damn potions you have ever tasted if you just did your job!’

‘So now you can understand me?’

‘What if I can, huh?’

They continued going back and forth like this, while John picked up the ten herbs. Slaying the wolves was effectively done at the side. Suicidally, they jumped at him one after the other, letting him complete the optional objective without any side-tracking on his part.

John scowled as he stomped back to Tom. In his head, Delicia was laughing in her delightfully obnoxious way. Only lovable brats could laugh in that way, urging John to kiss her, spank her, and toss her down a well all at the same time. He needed her to have a body ASAP, just to do that last one.

‘Yes, that’s right! Walk for me, peasant, walk for me!’

‘You’re Poor!’

‘That really was the best one up there, huh?’ The alchemist snorted and got back to cackling. ‘At least Tom will be happy to see you. Ignore that he’s created for that.’


‘Of course, you would – wait, what?’ The Gamer read the message very carefully. Gaia liking someone that sass-blasted him consistently was beyond expected. The rest of the message was equally interesting and unnerving. ‘What cosmic event is happening? Why would it resonate with my powers? Is some kind of Gamer leviathan falling from the sky?’

‘Psh, as if a Gamer leviathan would ever leave whatever black hole they put their tower in.’ Delicia mocked.

‘Shouldn’t you take this a bit more seriously? This says you’re getting your body today.’ John put heavy emphasis on that last word. What he had considered to be an event weeks out from now was suddenly pulling ahead to almost immediately.

‘Trust me, of the two of us, you’re more excited about me getting a body. Put a visual to my cute, adorable voice. Man, you’re so starved, you just need that, don’t you? Be real, how many different outfits did you imagine me in?’

‘That’s beside the point!’ John took a deep breath and pushed the exasperation out of his system. ‘Seriously, what cosmic event? I hate it when things happen without my knowledge.’

“Welcome back, brave adventurer!” Tom greeted the moment John stepped into conversation distance. “The cooks will greatly appreciate these fine herbs you have brought them.” One of the triangle-leafed plants appeared in his hand for a moment. “Oh no, what is this? It appears one of the herbs you have brought us has been afflicted by a vile curse. Please, bring it to priestess Veltana, she will know how to find the culprit.”


‘The source of all curses is right here,’ John thought loudly.

‘Hey, what’s that supposed to mean?’

‘It means that you ruin everything you touch.’

‘Oh, oh, is that how it is? You want to play that game? Fine, alright, I’ll absolutely ruin your life then. Let me just get my hands all over you, you big nerd.’

‘If she doesn’t want me, I’m eating an entire broom closet,’ the Gamer thought, to himself this time, while heading inside the sole building around.

Conversations with Delicia were even more sexual than with many of his haremettes. Mostly because she was the kind to flaunt what she had – or was supposed to have anyway. Her utter lack of shame was hilarious in its own right. John did wonder if or when their relationship progressed to a point that the innuendos became less frequent. Actually, he decided he might as well do the first proper step in that direction.

‘You played a lot of games, right?’ he asked.

‘So much for your perfect memory, that you have to ask something I told you before,’ Delicia teased him.

‘It’s a courtesy question.’

‘Sure, sure – Gracious as I am, I shall remind you that I am big into Everquest and Monster Hunter! A pro, you could call me. That was on the days neither of my arms were rotting off at least.’

‘Nothing worse than missing your daily grind.’

‘Yeah, the actual worst,’ Delicia groaned. ‘Plus side, once I get my robot body, I get to grind an extra eight hours a day! I can just swing between brewing and gaming. Dream life right there!’

It took all John had to not remind her that she would have a third ‘obligation’. Instead, he spent some time on his surroundings.

The inside of the chapel-esque structure consisted of big, white stone blocks, paintings, and the occasional flowers in a vase. The floor had a rug lazily thrown on top here and there. Beyond a central chamber, whose only purpose seemed to be to look somewhat impressive, was a library. In that library stood a single woman in a stereotypical white robe. Blue highlights decorated the sleeves and rims. She was blonde and of adequate attractiveness. Had she been real, John would have been at least a bit tempted.

“He-“ she did a robotic curtsy, stopping not even halfway through when John took half a step backwards. “He-“ she started and stopped again when John repeated that. Inside his head, Delicia broke out into roaring laughter. Eager to keep that sound going, John danced back and forth at the edge of the reaction trigger zone. “Hel- He- H-Hell- Hello bra- H- H- H- Hello brave adventurer I- H- Hello – Hello – Hello – Hello – Hello, brave – Hello!”

‘Stooooooooooooop!’ Delicia pleaded, sounding exhausted despite her lack of lungs. ‘I can’t… I can’t… by Gaia… oh sweet… hahahaha…’

John properly stepped into the NPCs talking area. “Hello, brave adventurer? What brings you to me?’ the priestess asked in a soft voice.

“Herb,” John said a single word and motioned as if he was handing something over. Magically, the plant appeared in her hand.

“Oh my! There is something… deeply vile about this plant. I must investigate!” The priestess marched over to a nearby table, conveniently free of anything else, and put the plant down. Bowed over it, she rubbed her hands. “Now what could have… oh… oh no… what a terrible…” She gasped. “It cannot be!” The priestess scribbled something on a piece of paper. Literally, she scribbled. Whatever she wrote was absolutely indecipherable as letters. “You must bring this message to the farmer east of here. Hurry, his harvest and all our bread depend on it!”

‘As per usual, up the stakes swiftly in the starting area,’ John thought and took the message.


‘Oh, time gated, that’s at least mildly interesting,’ the Gamer thought. He turned around and sprinted out of the building.

‘Hey, I thought this was my adventure!’ Delicia complained.

John stopped dead in his tracks. ‘Do you not want me to finish the Quest in time?’

‘I do, so get to it!’ The Gamer leapt over a picket fence that separated the walkway in front of the chapel from the eastern forest. ‘Actually, I changed my mind!’ Delicia shouted in his thoughts. Nearly, John stumbled over a tree root. He caught himself at the last second, using a low-hanging branch as his emergency brakes. ‘Or, wait, no, get there in time!’

‘What are you doing?’

‘Nooooothing.’

‘Really? Because it sure feels like you’re trying to trip me up.’

‘Whaaat? Noooo. Whoever would think that you would look hilarious with your face in the dirt. Aside from everyone. Everyone would think that.’

John thought the next thing to himself. ‘Fuck, it is hard to not constantly make innuendos with her. That’s just such an open invitation for a joke about putting her face down and her ass up.’

‘You’re totally thinking about putting my fat ass up and my face down, aren’t you?’

‘Oh no…’ John’s shocked response slipped out of the privacy of his mind.

‘What?’

‘I don’t need a second mind reader in my life. Jane is bad enough.’ John walked along normally now. The ground he had covered even with his short sprint was enough that he could easily make the rest of the way walking. He already saw his target between the trees. The Quest was still balanced for some 520 levels lover than he was.

Delicia was quick to ease his fears in the most smug fashion she could muster, ‘Don’t worry, I won’t spend time in your thoughts when mine are so much better.’

‘Oh yeah, just get yourself afflicted with an incurable condition again. Listen to those thoughts.’

‘Maybe I will, what do you care?’

‘I care deeply about you,’ John responded sincerely.

If crystals could blush, John would have gotten a burn spot on his leg from how hot her core would have gotten. There was no response, only prolonged, happily awkward silence. What he would have given to put an expression to that wordlessness.

And soon he arrived at the farm.