The Gamer Chapter 766 – Tournament of Oddities 1 – Rules and Clarifications (Patreon)

The Gamer spent the rest of Sunday exploring Paradise and having sex, often times both. A massive, Roman style bath house served as the replacement for the shower back home. Thanks to having multiple pools, each of which was claimable by a single group at a time, they had relative privacy. Relative due to the fact that access for other people was barred but the view wasn’t, leaving a bunch of people to watch them. Depending on the girl asked, that made it more enjoyable or didn’t matter whatsoever. The opinion that it was a detriment had basically been eradicated in John’s harem. Only Gnome had the slightest bit of hesitation about things, and even she could be eased into accepting the situation.

Aside from that, they had done some wandering on the beach, after the thunderstorm had cleared. Because the sand was still wet, the enjoyment was kind of limited. A beach just wasn’t the same unless it was sunny and the wind was too weak to blow sand everywhere. Their time there was pretty limited and they opted to see what else the skyscraper had in store.

They found an 80s style arcade, an internet café, a swinger club, a couple of restaurants, indoor gardens, mushroom farms and a bunch of other things. Paradise contained a very random and very active ecosystem of shops and other facilities. In the end, John and Rave had some fun on the roof, on the latter’s insistence. Getting fucked a hundred metres over the ground, against the railing, and publicly was right up her alley.

All of that done, they just went to sleep and then spent the morning of the following day waiting for them to be called. Sometime around noon, Wendy knocked on their door. “Rise and shine, doggo,” she said, when John opened the door.

“…I got two issues with those four words, which is a pretty impressive ratio,” the Gamer responded. “First off, I’ve been awake for hours. Second: doggo?”

“You’ve been running around fucking your bitches yesterday as if you had to mark your territory, so I say doggo is pretty accurate,” Wendy retorted.

“Uh-huh.” He didn’t have anything to say in his defence. Under normal circumstances, he would have taken umbrage with someone calling his girls bitches, but Wendy just had that friendly banter sass to her that made it hard to be angry about what she said. “Anyway, are we finally starting?”

“If you come right along, absolutely!” the goddess declared and marched off. John followed after her, as did the usual trio of Aclysia, Beatrice and Rave. When it came to the elementals, they opted to follow in an incorporeal state instead. Only Copernicus was an unusual addition. “That your cat?”

“I’m nobody’s cat,” the sunlight elemental responded.

“Wow, he just called you a nobody,” the redhead turned to Rave. “Must feel pretty awful to be rejected by your pet.”

“He’s not my pet, though, he’s my partner. Also, a big tsundere,” Rave responded.

John decided to drastically change the subject. “Can you tell me what I can expect before we get there?”

“Yeah,” Wendy said, and silence ensued.

The Gamer sighed. “Are you seriously pulling the routine where I need to ask every specific question?”

“Maybe.”

“But why would you do that?”

“Because I actually don’t feel like answering anything. I want to see the look on your face, so I need to buy time until we get to the right door – and we are at the right door, fancy that!” Wendy gave him the biggest grin her glossy lips could muster and pushed down the handle. Resigning himself to the whims of his host, the Gamer followed.

They entered an extremely large room, the kind that could have fit a boxing ring and enough gym equipment for a hundred people. At the moment, it was largely empty, though, except for three notable things on the floor and the cameras flying around. Two of those notable things were massive kitchen blocks containing basically every utensil and appliance that found regular or semi-regular use. The third was a long table with three chairs, two of which were currently taken by people John already knew. Neither of which he was all that keen on seeing.

One was Vita. The pariah’s downright hostile behaviour yesterday still rubbed John the wrong way. Her half-assed apology only made things worse. As she was Nia’s teacher and probably the most powerful person the Florida guild had, John didn’t want to push back too much on her but he had also come to the conclusion that he didn’t want to be around her too much.

The other, John had not seen in a while. He was a man with a massive amount of brown hair, all of it combed upwards and held by some extremely powerful styling gel. It gave his head an elongated appearance. The way he wore his suit was a bit goofy, the jacket being half a size too large and flubbing around when he made overbearing movements. “Looooooooong time no seeeeeeeeeeee, Gamerrrrrrrrrr!” he shouted into the desk microphone, changing the pose and the way he held the microphone with every stretched-out word. “You owe me a box of Shroomperotic!”

“Technically, Eliza owes you that.” John crossed his arms. “You are welcome to try to get it off her, Jeff. How is Dra?” He had a staring match with the announcer. John had encountered him twice before. The first time was during the tournament in Germany, the second time was in Amsterdam. Their personal connection was shallow, to say the least, they had never spoken in private and, judging by the cameras, that wouldn’t change today.

“No idea! The guy is an absolute pain! He’s impossible to find or contact! Unless he wants to be part of something, then he shoots me a message and just invites himself!” Jeff threw his hands into the air for just as long as it took to create a dramatic pause. “Almost like he doesn’t exist between gigs, super odd, super annoying!”

‘I would avoid contact with you as well, between jobs,’ the Gamer thought. “Are these cameras on, by the way?”

“Oh yeah, all being livestreamed since the moment you entered!” Jeff told him. “They start the program before the program around here!”

“I thought you would be making more funny faces,” Wendy sighed and walked over to the table, taking the empty third seat on the left-hand side (from John’s point of view).

“I told you he is a composed man,” Vita complimented the Gamer and sipped on some kind of steaming hot tea.

“I would just have liked a warning before I spill any government secrets in front of the camera.” The Gamer crossed his arms and emphasized his confidence by standing straight with his shoulders back. In moments like this, he was very happy that he hadn’t gone out of his way to create a public persona that was different from how he behaved privately. “Anyway, since we cleared up that you’ll stream all of this to – I assume – everyone who wants to watch it, do you want to tell everyone what is happening and me specifically how today will go down?”

If this was being displayed to the world, he at least wanted the audience to know what was going on. Making himself the one to point these things out would hopefully serve to have him appear, in some fashion, magnanimous. Just because he didn’t have a fake persona didn’t mean he wasn’t calculating.

In response to his request, Jeff jumped on the table. “OF COURSE WE WILL! BRING IN THE SCREEEEEEN!” His left arm shot up towards the ceiling. Out of the complete darkness that enveloped the upper half of the room descended a gargantuan flatscreen. Although its main body was that of a typical TV, it had white wings on either side of it. “Impressive, isn’t it? How we can just summon equipment out of thin air?” Jeff asked, stroking his chin in a forcibly cool way.

John looked closely at the darkness and let his Vision of Calamity lenses do their work. Combined with a quick Observe, he discovered the truth of the matter within moments. ‘Thin air, my ass,’ the Gamer thought. The entire trick to this was that the room had a ludicrously high ceiling, with several chutes in the upper half of the walls, which were presumably connected to storage rooms. An illusion of impenetrable darkness caused it to merely appear like they could call whatever they needed from nowhere. “It’s a nice party trick,” the Gamer said and pushed the Abyssal Layer of his Phased Vision to the background, leaving him to mostly perceive what everyone else was seeing. “Want me to explain it to the audience or will we get somewhere today?”

“Tsk.” Jeff was obviously annoyed that John had already found out how things worked. As an, if goofy, professional, he moved on swiftly, continuing once he had gotten off the table. “Here is the deal for the folks at home: from today until next Sunday, the Gamer will face one challenge every day. All of the challenges have been chosen by members of Florida. Once the tournament concludes, the Florida guild will join Fusion!”

John sighed, wishing that this bit would have been kept under wraps for a few more days. ‘Let’s just hope nothing bad happens because people learn of this early,’ he thought. Theoretically, he was in the clear. The peace deal he had made with the Lake Alliance specified that Fusion was not allowed to expand through warfare, which this didn’t fall under, whatever this was. Practically, John had come to know that there was always a chance for someone to appear and start making a fuss.

“NOW, you might ask yourself: but what is the tournament about then?! Well, Florida has put down seven conditions on Fusion, and here – they – are!”

Jeff spent a moment reading all of the conditions out for the audience at home, before moving on. “As you may be able to tell from the structure of the image, the conditions as presented are not set in stone! After the rules of every individual contest are stated, John Newman will present Fusion’s demand. Should he win the contest, the demand will be implemented instead of the original condition. Should he lose, the original condition will be implemented without question. Should there be a tie or should the jury decide that the Gamer has performed well, there will be a meeting in between both positions.”

A few things of that were new even to John, specifically the bit where he would only have to pick which bet he was going to make after he knew the competition for that day. ‘At least that means I can prioritize the things I definitely can’t let pass,’ he thought.

Which two of them he meant was fairly obvious, being the no taxes and no draft bit. Contrary to initial expectations, this was not because John had any aversion to giving tax breaks or special rights in terms of army membership to newly joining Federation members. He had done both before, the Hidden Tradition and many of the Amacat CEOs enjoying their privileges and John their presence in his growing guild.

The problem here was a lack of exclusivity. Although having an entire state with those privileges, there were other ways to get money out of a place than taxes and an army career could be made attractive enough to make a draft unnecessary in all but the most desperate of times. If all of the current members of Florida were to come to enjoy these advantages, that wouldn’t be a problem. That anyone and their mother could just join Florida tomorrow and also get those privileges meant that handing them out was the direct path to death for Fusion.

Every last business with a brain would immediately move to Florida and enjoy being exempt from all taxes. During wartime, and even outside of it, every last person that felt the slightest bit paranoid about being drafted would move down as well. Population and economy in the local area would swell, putting a drain on the rest of Fusion, as free travel within the Federation meant that everyone just went to enjoy their lives in safety, while the coffers of the central government went emptier and emptier.

Internal strife and eventual collapse were a given in that situation. It could not be allowed to happen.

‘I guess they’re also testing how opportunistic I am,’ John thought as he analysed the rules a bit more closely. ‘Since the cases of a victory or a tie are both dependent on what I state after I know whether or not I can win, the rules naturally incentivize me to say something ridiculously in my favour. The question is not whether or not I will counteract the impossible things they accepted, but what I will force on them when I have the opportunity.’ He looked at the cameras. ‘Not sure if their idea to test me like that in the court of public opinion is clever or patently insane.’

“Any questions so far, John Newman?” Jeff asked.

John had to bite the inside of his cheek to stop himself from demanding that he would be called President Newman. Something about the way Jeff blabbered on ticked John off, so he was tempted to forgo his usual preference on a casual attitude and demand a bit more respect. ‘Maybe Lydia is rubbing off on me,’ he thought, only to answer the question, “Only who that jury is made out of. I would assume it’s you three?” He looked at Vita, Jeff and Wendy in turn. “Seems a bit partial.”

“Is it though?” Jeff asked and pointed at himself with his thumb. “I’m hired and have no stakes in the matter!”

‘However, you are a massive weirdo and have been hired by the locals on remarkably short notice. Wouldn’t surprise me if you got a bunch of friends around here,’ John commented in his mind.

“Vita here is also so weird that we can’t predict what she’ll do at all! And Wendy here will sass out everyone, no matter who!”

“It’s true,” the redhead said and stretched. “I’ll roast whoever underperforms – which will be everyone!”

‘Ironically, I believe that the figurehead will be the most impartial,’ John scratched the back of his head. “Well, let’s say I believe that none of you have skin in the game, it still looks pretty bad.”

“The jury also switches between every contest.”

“…Why even bother with the explanation then?” the Gamer sighed. “Alright, whatever, I agree to your terms, publicly as I have privately.” He rolled his neck and smiled confidently. “As my future allies, I trust that you will not do anything that’d cause me to hate you, as I hope you trust me in return.”

“Look at you being all leader-like,” Wendy said and rose from her chair again, sort of defeating the point of sitting down in the first place. “Anyway, here’s the contest for the day. Jeff, do the only thing you’re useful for and hype it up.”

The commentator slammed one foot on the table and raised one fist into the air. A pose as inspirational as they came, it was completely wasted on the goofy announcer and his ridiculous hair. “We!” he started, emphasizing every word as if it was a revelation received by the one true Lord, “Will! Have! A! BAAAAAAAAAAAAKEEEEEEEEE OOOOOOOOOOOOOOFF!” He leapt over the table and in between the two kitchens.

“That’s right,” Vita chimed in from the table, her tone strangely similar to that of a weather forecaster. “In today’s contest, John Newman and his harem of pretty girls will be facing off against our very own Wendy in a contest of cooking.” A dangerous glint entered her blue eyes. “Originally, Wendy wanted to make this about serving chicken nuggets, but I told her I would erase her from existence if she harmed Fred. Have you seen Fred?” The giant screen suddenly switched to a livestream of the ‘guild leader’ getting fed some grain. “She’s adorable.”

“Yeesssss! Instead Wendy will mercilessly outbake the Gamer in a contest to make an apple pie!” Jeff made a large gesture towards the kitchen to John’s right, where Wendy had already taken position and was now giving her smuggest pose.

Smiling, hand on her chin, she looked at a low-flying camera and declared, “None can stand up to the baking of the cutest fast food idol ever made!”

“That – is – rrrrriiiiight!” Jeff roared. “How could the Gamer possibly hope to challenge-“

John raised a hand and interrupted the hype-man with a simple question, “You know, this is absolutely not going to work, yes?”

“Huh?” Jeff wondered.

“Look, I can accept the jury looking pretty stacked in Florida’s favour. I get it, you organized the event, you get to pick who sits on there. Having one of the contestants as a jury member though?” the Gamer waggled his finger between Wendy and her empty seat on the jury table. “That’s a bit much.”

“”Uhm.”” Jeff and Wendy declared in unison.

“I told you this was going to happen,” Vita added. “What was your answer? Right, none, you ignored me, because you were busy not planning for an alternative.”

“Of course, I ignored you, you had fun teasing me with that creepy aura of yours!”

“Your overreactions are hilarious.”

‘Siena?’ Undine’s voice suddenly reverberated in John’s head.

It only took a moment for the moonshade elemental to respond, ‘Yes?’

‘There is a soulmate of yours over there.’

‘Perhaps, but it’s more stimulating when I do it.’

“May I suggest something?” John spoke into the banter and pointed at his girlfriend. “Jane could take the third spot on the jury for this trial.”

“Ya mean I don’t have to stand in the way while Aclysia does the baking?” Rave wanted to know. “AND I get to eat apple pie afterwards?”

“As long as you promise to be impartial,” he responded, got a quick kiss as his reward and looked to Vita, as he didn’t respect Jeff’s authority whatsoever and Wendy was evidently unable to organize properly. “Sounds good?”

“Sure,” the pariah just said, and the Lightbearer started moving over.

“Uh, right,” Jeff cleared his throat and tapped back into the hype in his soul, aiming to spread it to everyone in the room and at home before their screens. “Although Wendy will ABSOLUTELY destroy him in the baking challenge, without question, they still have up to two hours to make the pie. While the ingredients supplied can be used in any combination wanted, the shape is limited by the supplied pie plate. The jury will then give each cake 1-10 points and whoever has the most points total wins. Now, there is only one thing left before we start: John Newman, place your bet!”

“We should also mention that this is an adult program,” Vita added.