Dirty (Diaper) Santa - One Shot (Patreon)

I jittered with excitement as everyone gathered around the mountain of gifts in the middle of the living room. It’s become an annual tradition within my friend group to have a big Christmas party before many of us go home to our families for the holidays, and the Dirty Santa Gift Exchange was a big part of it.

If you’ve never heard of Dirty Santa or White Elephant (another name it goes by), everyone essentially brings an unlabeled gift and places it in a pile. Then, everyone draws a number out of a hat that indicates the order they’ll take a gift. After the first person picks a gift from the pile, everyone after that can either pick a gift from the pile or steal someone else’s gift. A gift can only be stolen three times per round, and whoever the last person to steal it is will be locked in with that item until the next round starts. Everything ends when someone finally takes the last gift from the stack. You ideally want to be the last number because that gives you a pretty decent pick of the litter.

My gift was a bit fun; I got this board game I really like called Time’s Up! It’s a trivia game and only $20! I was nervous that people were going to know it was me who bought it though. Part of the fun is trying to sus out who bought what.

“Alright, everyone, come draw your number!” Rachel announced. I jumped up with glee and walked over to the line that formed in an instant. There were 15 of us, so a good amount of gift possibilities. When I got to the front and drew my number, my heart was pounding from the anticipation.

I retreated back to my seat and casually checked my number, ensuring no one could see.

“Seven!?” I whispered, annoyed.

“Awe, that’s too bad, Dani,” Trent, who clearly overheard me, replied.

“What did you get?” I asked him. He opened the folded paper for me to see. 15. I faked a lunge to grab his paper, and he laughed.

“Seven isn’t bad; at least it’s not first!” Trent said to make me feel better. I shrugged, jealous of his picking power.

“Okay, who’s number one?” Rachel announced. Jane rose with her head hung. A chorus of “oooo” rang through the room as everyone acknowledged how rough she had it. Jane picked a gift, and everyone watched on in anticipation.

“An Amazon gift card!” Jane showed off her prize with some satisfaction.

Henry was next; he found a Bluetooth speaker, then Kaitlyn who found a movie night gift basket. Following her was Greg, who stole Jane’s Amazon card, and she, in turn, stole Kaitlyn’s movie basket who then opened another gift. It was a box of chocolates and some hot chocolate mix. Pete and Ishmail followed, and both went after the Amazon card. What resulted was Greg opening a shaker and protein mix set and Pete with a Best Buy gift card.

“Who’s number seven?” Rachel asked. I stood and examined the room. Amazon and Best Buy cards were nice and useful. I did go to a lot of movies, so the movie set would have been cool, but after Pete opened his last gift, There was a big square package underneath that stood out to me. It was bright pink with white dots and a pretty bow. It was practically calling my name. So, against some better judgement, I went into the middle of the pile and pulled it out. Everyone gasped and grimaced in annoyance that they didn’t see the big box sooner. That just validated my choice, so I took it back to my seat and started ripping back the paper.

As soon as I could see what was underneath, I became confused. Under the wrapping paper was a plastic package, clear in some parts and bright pink in others, with some sort of white material packed within.

Suddenly, it clicked into my head what they were, and I realized I had seen them before.

“Come on, open it!” Pete urged, and others joined in the encouragement. My heart beat faster, and I looked around. Did someone know?

Trent, to end everyone’s frustrations, reached over and ripped the paper clean off the packaging. I blushed, feeling exposed for some reason.

“What is that?” Ishmail asked.

“What does it say? Diary?”

“Diaper…” I whispered.

“It says diapers!” Matt peered in for a closer look and announced it to the group. A chorus of laughter and shock erupted in the living room.

“What the fuck?”

“That’s so funny!”

“Okay, seriously, who brought diapers to the gift exchange?” Rachel stood up and looked around at the room; she was clearly the only other person in the room other than me to feel anything but shocked joy. The room went quiet as everyone looked around to find the perpetrator.

But no one fessed up. Finally, Rachel had enough of the silence.

“Fine. Don’t confess. But don’t be pulling shit like that again; it’s really not fun for whoever gets the gift,” she said. The game continued on. No one wanted to steal my diapers. No one except for Rachel, who, on turn nine, tried to do it out of sympathy. I told her it was fine, she didn’t have to.

I spend the rest of the game examining the packaging and examining people's faces. The diapers were LittleForBig, size M, Nursery pink, pack of ten. The bulk of the diaper was white with pink animals, pacifiers and other delightfully babyish things on them. There was also pink all around the straps that would tape you in. I squished the packaging; felt them crinkle in my hand.

Everyone avoided looking at the diapers except to make casual jokes about going to steal them from me but then “thinking otherwise.” It was hard to get a read on anyone. As far as I could tell, no one looked guilty.

When we got to the end of the game, we realized there were two gifts left and only one person to pick. Murmurs of confusion circulated the room as people tried to figure out how it had messed up, but no one could know.

“Well, I think the only fair thing to do is let Dani pick again. Clearly, she got the short stick,” Rachel announced. Everyone seemed to agree, so I got up, quietly stole the Amazon gift card, and sat back down. As the night continued past the game, I kept a close eye on the diapers. People asked me what I was going to do with them, and I just said, “I don’t know, probably donate them.”

But that was a lie; I knew exactly what I was going to do with them. In fact, I was eager to get home. So when it hit midnight, I called an Uber and headed home. I was the first to leave, and I think people thought I was upset because of what happened at the gift exchange. I clung tight to the diapers despite multiple people telling me I didn’t have to take them and even got a strange look from my Uber driver when I put them in the back seat.

Finally, I walked up to my condo, opened the door, and headed inside. I didn’t bother turning on the lights; I just kicked off my shoes and walked right to my spare room. Then, I pulled out my keys and unlocked that door.

When I opened the door and turned on the lights, I let out a heavy sigh; finally back in my comfort zone. I sat on the coloured floor mats and ripped open the diaper packaging. Then, I started to fill my shelves where there were gaps.

“I definitely have enough diapers now….” I said and took a step back to look.

This was my nursery. I have a crib, lots of toys and stuffies, and certainly lots of diapers. Everything your adult baby content creator could need. Suddenly, I realized my pants were getting pretty tight, so I took them off and examined the diaper I had been wearing underneath. Totally soaked. Typical.

I took the opportunity to turn on my lights and my camera and start to film.

“Hey guys! Just got home from a Christmas party, and LOOK at the state of my diaper afterwards! Soaked! I hope no one noticed. This un-potty training is going a little tooooo well if you ask me.”

I paused and considered stopping the video but continued.

“Oh, and to whoever brought the diapers tonight? Let yourself be known...maybe we could play?”