First time at a Nude Beach :D (Patreon)

I visited a nude beach for the first time.

I have wanted to visit one for a while. Theoretically, I know that I “should” enjoy non-sexualized nudity and relax into it, or at least not be so shy about it. That’s a strong part of my personal philosophy. I want nudity to be a free and relaxed time, unrestrained and at my most natural. But I struggle to actually embody that. While we may know something on a logical level, our emotions and physical reactions conflict sometimes. In high school, when changing in the locker room for gym I always went to hide away and change in one of the few stalls. I felt far too uncomfortable being nude around others. I still am shy except in specific sexual contexts. I think my shyness makes sense, especially growing up in a culture that makes nudity so intense, but I want to break out of it. Many of us live in cultures that make nudity not something casual, but morally serious. For femme perceived people, this becomes doubly grave in a purity culture that shames girls should their shoulders be visible in school. No matter my values, I still wrestle with how our culture made nudity inherently sexual, and for femmes, degrading and to be hidden away.

When I got invited on a sudden trip to Florida, I knew I had to take it. It would be scheduled so I wouldn’t miss any time live on stream. My flexibility with my other work made it perfect. I could do this without sacrificing anything. What a dream. My travel companion said that he’d get the trip, and I was thrilled. We talked about traveling together, but he knows I’m saving for school and to pay off my loans. So it was, we were taking this trip. He threw out a few ideas that sounded interesting for what we could do. I hesitated, second guessing how jumping at the “nude beach” option might appear. Still, I knew what I wanted and I’m in my “clearly communicating my desires” era. He didn’t bat an eye or make a big deal out of me finally mentioning during planning that his nude beach idea struck my curiosity. Of course he wouldn’t, we share many values that make it easy to comfortably connect.

As the date approached, I checked and checked and rechecked the weather. Disappointment hit me again and again. I didn’t travel much as a kid, and never imagined having the opportunity to. I imagined Florida always in the 80s and sunny, but it looked like we’d be lucky to catch 60s. I thirsted for the sun, the giver of life and a power source for my cheery disposition and creative energy. Also, how would I possibly get naked and run free on some beach if it were cold and cloudy?

The day we flew in went as expected. We landed, checked into our hotel, and headed out for an evening walk on the beach to talk shop: evo psych, my goals as a therapist, and his career as well. He’s a phenomenal conversationalist and someone I consider my elder. I have a deep respect for his creative mind, always joking and playing with language. His brain is full of knowledge, but he still thirsts for more, soaking up what I tell him, not with a mind to respond, but with a hungry thoughtfulness. When he does give answers, I find often they are seeds planted for ideas I can water and grow if I’d like. I love that.

The wind blew at us strongly as we trudged up and down the beach after our flight, and the waves hummed in our ears in the background of our conversations. We ran from them, laughing, a few times when we got distracted and found ourselves drawn too close during our walk. The wind chilled me and my worry we’d be missing out on the sun grew. Maybe I wouldn’t even get to go out and get sun in my swimsuit! I hoped this trip would rejuvenate me and re-spark my creativity that napped dormant during the winter months, lounging around in my head with ideas, but struggling to get out the door and execute. My desperate hunger for the sun inspired me to hope this trip could rejuvenate me. What if we went all the way down there just to get stood up?

The next morning we woke up and took a jog on the beach. The temperature allowed for shorts and a t-shirt, so I wore my swim top beneath in the hopes of the chance to catch the sun on my shoulders. It felt like a desperate call to her. I wanted her on me, I wanted to soak her in. If someone invited me into a sun cult, I’d convert easily. I’d likely be a blasphemer in the group, though. While we came out to run and catch rays before our gym lifting session, I ritualistically applied sunscreen on me. She’s a fiery, dangerous lover. If you go out to meet her, please don’t forget your sunscreen.

Being quite the stellar entity, she’s a bit of an astrology girly. I heard her sign is cancer…so like a cancer*, she kept shyly flashing us glimpses of her and didn’t come out in her full glory until midday, our second, and only full day on the trip. After lifting in the gym and grabbing some post workout lunch we revisited the beach to greet her, but we were too late. The clouds were hanging over us much of the time. I longed for the sun, but she stayed hidden behind the clouds for the most part. I listened to my companion chat while I lay, longing for her caress, cursing myself for my dedication to the gym. My fears of missing the sun and not getting the warmth to capture a full experience at the nude beach loomed.

Our last day also meant our last search for her. We needed to catch our flight by 2pm, so we made sure to check out and head over to the wildlife refuge straight from there. It was a bit of a drive, but we arrived in time to get about an hour on the nude beach nestled in the wildlife refuge. What an interesting little spot. As we wound through the native trees and shrubbery, I spotted a peculiar sign. It was a warning sign, letting visitors know they may run into nude sunbathers on beach spot 13. Ha! I certainly hoped so. When my travel companion mentioned the possibility of stopping by a nude beach, I was initially too shy to express my interest. What would that signal? Would it warn him like this sign that there something lewd and unacceptable lurked in me? ‘I certainly can’t appear too interested,’ I thought, even though that was the only idea that stuck out in my head, the rest slipping through cracks in my memory. This one struck my interest, it felt like a growth area and a way to experience something new. I wanted to understand how it felt to be in a casual context, nude, and without shame. Could I do that around others? I also wanted to see others nude. We have access to so much nudity online if we want it, but so much of it is photoshopped, and certain types of bodies are way over-represented based on beauty standards. I wanted to see humanity as we are now, and not in a lewd, gawking, pornographic sense. Give me the day-to-day bodies in a casual context.

We arrived. I wasn’t sure what to expect when I got out, but I hoped for a variety of people and bodies. When I did finally acknowledge my interest in the nude beach to my companion, he mentioned something I’ve occasionally heard in passing before: many of the people on the nude beach were likely to be older men. Sure enough, as we got out to the car, I got my first crack of nudity: an older man’s crack peeking out over his swim trunks as he leaned over doing something in the parking lot. My companion and I glanced at each other and smiled. Be free, my dude.

For some reason, I expected everyone on the nude beach to be nude, even though I never imagined myself disrobing. As I made my way up the stairs that opened up to the beach, mild surprise struck me to find us two weren’t the only ones clothed. In fact, only about 1/3rd of the people there were unclothed. As was foretold, many of the naked people did appear to be older men, and I noticed most of the women wore bathing suits.

“Would you like to find a spot and settle in, or walk for a bit?” my companion asked as he stopped next to me on the top of the slope, looking down to survey the beach with me.

“I’d like to walk a bit, check out the vibe.” I appreciate that about him: right as I started feeling unsure, he handed the reins over.

So over the sand we went. Clouds sprawled across the sky, leaving a few spaces for the sun to peek out for minutes at a time, and a light breeze kept dancing around us. It was a bit cool, even in my black, laced up deep v-cut one piece and mid-thigh length skirt. As we traveled across the beach, stretches of sunlight peeked through the clouds, teasing us all. The appropriate corresponding amount of nude people seemed like a reflection of that. When the sun kissed my skin, I’d turn my full attention to her, all of my senses but my eyes.

What to do with my eyes? I suddenly felt self-conscious of my ability to make others self-conscious. I watched the sand, then the ocean, but I felt my shyness and uncertainty creep up. It battled with my curiosity. A man wandered by in only a hat, which made me grin, amused. Soon, my companion began occasionally chatting to accompany the consistent wash of waves. A pair walked by us, both fully nude, one having breasts much different from mine, and I wrestled with my desire to satiate my curiosity about the human body and my desire to not create a self-consciousness in anyone else. I settled my focus back on the sand, my peripheral vision occupying my attention, curiosity burning regret into me. My shyness had a stranglehold on me, and the occasional light conversation from my guide became the safe place I returned my focus to when I felt myself being pulled too deep into myself.

He chuckled and noted a scene up further on the beach: a couple lounging, fully clothed, in their chairs and chatting casually with a fully nude individual that stood facing them. They appeared comfortable and at ease. How did they get here, at this point? What brings them here? Do they know each other, or had they just met? I hoped I’d get the chance to acclimate as well.

We walked for minutes, and eventually the stream of people we had walked by became a trickle. There was a lone, skyclad voluptuous person walking up and down the beach. I wondered what was happening in their world, and how they felt. My shyness kept me from showing any hints of engagement, and we passed them by quietly. A little more walking, and the beach fell as silent as us.

“Would you like to find a spot?” I contemplated the question for a moment.

“Yes, this seems nice.”

I helped him spread his towel out on the beach, then he laid next to it. I thought about arguing with him about it, but we already had that battle yesterday, so I took the towel after pulling out the snacks I had packed from home: pretzels mixed in with a lightly dark chocolate protein cereal. I cracked them open and shared them with him. The sweet chocolate paired wonderfully with the salty pretzels. As we munched, I chewed on whether it was warm enough for me to pull my swimsuit off. It was a part of why I wanted to come here. How often did I get an opportunity like this? I want to live fully. I want memories. I don’t want to miss opportunities because of fear of cold that is just a little uncomfortable. Even if the sun didn’t heed my calls in full force, I still wanted to show up to this moment fully myself.

“I’m going to go in, you’re welcome to join if you want.” His words interrupted the ones battling in my head, and I was ready. No arguing, I felt decided. I hopped up and started pulling my swimsuit down, bringing my skirt with it. I felt like plunging into a sea of cold water: might as well go before I lose the nerve. My habitual reaction was to cover myself, but I didn’t want to be shy or seem uncomfortable, so I focused on relaxing. I somehow narrowly beat him undressed and teased him playfully about it. We made our way out to the sea, and I focused myself outwards as we did. The sun and wind on my skin, a little coolness brushing against the precious, rare heat touching me. The first wash of sea water over my foot shocked my senses.

“Oh, cold!” I exclaimed. He grinned and agreed, but we pushed forward.

“Are you ready to dive head first in?”

I looked at him with wide eyes.

“Absolutely not!” He laughed as we continued to make our way into the ocean, her waves crashing higher and higher on us, the cold around our ankles, then suddenly surging around our calves. I burst out with my own laughter at the shock and joy of the cold rush. Around our calves, then surging around our thighs. She nuzzled around our thighs, then pummeled into our hips.

“That’s not a feeling you get every day, is it?”

“No, no it isn’t.”

This wasn’t the love I had sought, and I never considered her with much interest, but I wanted her to pull me deeper. While a plane ride with cold, wet hair sounded miserable, I longed to feel the depths of the ocean freely. Living without knowing that may be more miserable.

“My feet are going numb.” My human companion, the one who brought me, and through the excitement of everything, the one that grounded and nourished me. I brought myself back to him with loyalty and care.

“Oh, let’s go back!” Without hesitation, I turned around. We rushed out of the water, both laughing and giddy, then slowed as the sand coated our feet on our way towards our towel.

“Wow, I haven’t seen anyone else get in the water today! Good to see kindred souls out here.” We turned to see a handsome stranger approaching us on the beach. I watched them go to handshake my companion, then pull him in for a shoulder bump. They turned to me with the start of the handshake, anxiety bugs ran across my insides as the thought of being pulled so close to a stranger’s loose cock crossed my mind. Wildlife refuge, no doubt. I fumbled a handshake into fist bump in a monumental way.

Nice.

“I’ve been walking this beach and haven’t seen anyone else get in! Brave souls!” He seemed jolly and friendly, but even as my anxiety was soothed, I felt my shyness creeping up on me. After they exchanged brief small talk about the weather, they complimented us as a beautiful couple before saying a quick farewell and walking off. I thought that a bit strange, but realized the context would seem to imply that for many people. It felt like a whirlwind of an interaction, a sudden, cheery tornado came in, pulled us around, then left. My companion and I went back to our towel.

“They seemed sweet.” We agreed. He sat next to the towel. I laid out on it, closing my eyes and trying to soak some sun up and focusing on the wind tickling its way up my belly and all across my breasts. Just a light breeze dancing across my skin, and me straining to feel the sunlight to her deepest. This was the most attention she gave me, magnified by the droplets from the ocean. How lucky I was to experience all these wonderful creatures. I knew we’d have to leave soon, to catch our flight, but I tried to push that from my mind. I lazily opened my eyes to peer down my own body at the ocean. I saw her between my breasts.

I never expected to ever be here. I never expected to feel comfortable enough to be laying here, contentedly watching the ocean over my nude breasts. After so much gender dysphoria with them, going through a surgery that still left them to be admittedly “imperfect” with scars. I’ve reached the conclusion there will always be things to nitpick about one’s own body, whether that be the often obsessed with fat rolls that anyone can produce by leaning over, the stretch marks we often acquire in life, or some other “imperfection”. While I’m not sure I’d say I’m at peace, I noted how far I’ve come and how much my gender affirming reduction had given me.

The day wasn’t perfect, either, my nipples were hard from the cold, though it wasn’t so bad I had goosebumps. I wondered, and I sometimes do when I’m clothed but they’re showing through, if that’d be assumed to be arousal. Sometimes, I worry that’ll upset people, or make them think I’m intentionally doing something lewd by not wearing a bra. I resort to realizing that’s a them problem, but I’m constantly aware that isn’t normalized. I imagine that’s quite normal at a nude beach, especially when it’s not so hot the temperature is ultra comfortable when unclothed. I accepted that I’ll continue not bothering myself with it, even though I felt even more exposed this way.

“I don’t want to think about it, but I should check the time.” My companion piped up. Rummaging through his backpack and checking the current drive time, we realized we needed to get moving to make it to our flight. Without a word more, we pulled our clothes on. I would’ve preferred to try walking the beach without them to actually experience being more around others, we had found quite the quiet space to set up, thanks to the always considerate person I was with. However, I was done with the cold. The sun was still cheeky, hiding behind the copious amount of clouds.

On our way back, we saw the same jolly person, they waved us a good-bye, and we did the same. I hope I get the chance in the future to walk a nude beach when it’s warmer and I can be less shy. I’d like to go to a few different ones to share the experience to become more comfortable in my own skin, and nothing else.

Notes:

*I don’t know anything about astrology, I’m so sorry.