Carbopatra (Mini Story) (Patreon)

Carbopatra was once a ruling queen of Egypt. Disliking governing and tradition keeping, she was known for her extreme love of debauchery and feasting, spending all day either eating or visiting her harem of the muscular slaves she could find. She also failed to live up to the physical standards that was expected of royalty, being shamelessly obese in size and her weigh continued to grow with such speed and vigor that there were rumors that she got lewd pleasure from her size. Three sets of palanquin carriers had gone hunchbacked from lifting her everywhere. She also constantly releasing gas from both mouth and rear without hesitation with no regard to anyone around her. Any comments or jokes made about her with earshot of the Queen could earn the perpetrator slavery, banishment or a month cleaning her overused chamber pots.  

Eventually, the nobility of Egypt tired of her excesses and sought to have her removed. During her daily second lunch, they had the chefs slip in a bottle of poisoned wine and the gluttonous queen was dead by sunset. The Egyptians never bother to build her a pyramid and didn't believe the gods particularly cared how they treated the embarrassing monarch's body, giving her a slap dash mummification and shoving her into shabby tomb far from the city . No one was particularly sad to see the self centered ruler go and her successor had all references of her removed out of shame.

5000 years later, a team of explorers were bursting with excitement as they discover a lost tomb in the Egyptian desert. 

The tomb was sparsely decorated and the sarcophagus was cheaply made and was almost falling apart from age. There was a large pile of decrepit dried food on a nearby table. Pots that would normally hold the organs of the buried person were nowhere to be found. The archaeologists were confused as Egyptians were typically much more respectful toward their dead, especially towards someone worthy to be given  a tomb and be mummified. The leader of the group noticed some faded hieroglyphics written on the sarcophagus's side

"Here lies Carbopatra, a cow of a queen . May the gods never have us suffer anyone like her on the throne again." He read.

As he read, there was a rumbling from inside the ancient coffin. They all stood back in horror as the mummified queen pushed open her sarcophagus's lid and sat up.

As the ran away in fear, the obese mummy of Carbopatra arose from her sarcophagus, let out a strained moan and pushed out a long, musky fart that she had been holding in for millennia. Sighing in relief, the undead Carbopatra began to stagger towards the ceremonial foods that had been buried with her.