Arc#4 Chapter 45: Acceptance (Patreon)

In preparation for his infiltration of Arkhan's Spirit Tower, Reivan had, under Gwendolyn's advice, submitted a few bills to the office of the king — otherwise known as his brother's office— that would help ensure the operation’s smooth progress.

One of the proposals that actually got approved was a "gesture of friendship" that allowed all battlemages free and specialized passage on all the kingdom-owned trains in Arkhan — even the express train service that was being offered to the public at a premium. This was, publicly, so the lawmen of the republic could have fast and unrestricted access to parts of the nation that needed them the most when they needed it most.

Under the surface though, it was obviously to help Reivan move around more freely. While some might deem it an excessive measure just to help one man, there was the added benefit of tracking all the mortal battlemages. This was because any battlemage using the privilege would leave behind a record of their travels due to the verification process at each station.

Arkhan's government, which was responsible for paying the tower and its operatives, obviously knew this too. However, this did not stop them from approving it anyway. After all, the downside of revealing the destinations of most of their operatives was a minor loss in the face of the money they would save from this proposal.

Besides, if their operatives had a mission that they wanted to hide from Aizen, it would be a simple matter to ride the train like the public would — by buying a ticket at the counter, which was something anyone with money could do.

They never suspected that this entire thing was just to help Reivan.

Nor did they suspect that the privilege was only guaranteed to last until the end of the year, seeing as the train stations were to be handed over to the Star of Fortune soon. The great conglomerate might not be willing to honor the agreement between the two nations, and given their possession of a Transcendent, Arkhan would be less inclined to force their hand should the merchants seek to clear out all previous deals.

Overall, the arrangement wasn't much of a loss for Aizen, and though frustrating for the republic, they would also lose nothing from this. It was a masterstroke, and just one of the many reasons why competent subordinates like Gwendolyn, who were capable of coming up with such plans, were valued so highly.

She was like a chess grandmaster, except the board was a portion of the real world.

'I'm getting kinda tired of trains though…'

Because of the privilege, Reivan and Aldimir were met with no trouble as they traveled by train to a nearby city. It would take two trips on the same line but because the city wasn’t too far away, they would likely reach their destination before nightfall.

"Man, this is pretty nice, huh?" Aldimir nudged Reivan's foot with his own as he stared out the window with a smile. "We get a tiny little compartment for ourselves. And we also get to travel for free."

"Why do you suddenly care about costs? Aren't you rich?"

"I was rich. And even back then, it was my family’s money. I'm independent now, plus I have a supposedly high-income job, so I won't be getting anything from them anymore — not that I would’ve accepted it. Anyway, I still have a lot saved up, but I won't say no to saving a bit more when I can."

Reivan grunted in understanding. "So won't it be a bad idea to splurge on supposedly cheering me up? You even said you'd pay for everything."

Aldimir smiled confidently. "Don't worry, my friend. I'm not that poor yet. Even if we go crazy for the next few days, I'm confident I can still survive by the end of the month. Food’s free at the Mess Hall and I don’t need to pay rent."

"You say that like it’s impressive, but it’s not."

With a shrug, Aldimir looked back out the window. “Anyway, are you gonna be alright? I know I’m the one who asked you to come with me, but I was half-expecting you to blow me off because we have a bunch of spells to learn.”

“I’ll be fine. Shouldn’t you be more worried about yourself?”

“Not really. I should be fine too. Even I know what kind of impression I give off. But despite that, I’m still a pretty decent sorcerer, y’know? My academic ability was really low though…”

‘Hm? If academics are low…’

Reivan cocked a brow. “I’m assuming your sociability was scored decently, but how much did you get for the practical stuff?”

Aldimir shrugged. “Can’t remember. I think it was 4.6 or something. Or was that my sociability? They were both around the same. I was too preoccupied with not pissing off the silver cloak I was talking to. I already messed up by being late to the appointment, after all.”

“Is that so…”

‘Huh. I guess this guy’s not just a playboy after all. I thought he’d gotten in through connections somehow, but he got in through the right way, huh?’

“What about you, Cloverino? How’d you do?”

“Don’t call me that.”

“Sure, sure… So? How’d you do?”

Reivan hesitated, contemplating whether or not to reveal the answer. But considering how friendly Aldimir had been and would continue to be, Reivan decided not to be the asshole.

‘Besides, he’ll just keep pestering me if I don’t tell him.’

With a sigh, Reivan shrugged. “I got a perfect score.”

“A five?”

“Yeah. I didn’t think it was such a big deal.”

“Oh, fuck you. Way to keep it humble, man.” Aldimir grinned and nodded to himself. “That’s great though. Maybe we will end up in the same squad? They’ll divvy us up through our abilities, right? Let’s try for the top squad so we can keep messing around together.”

“Why do you think they’ll put all the strong ones in the same group? Wouldn’t it make more sense to distribute the capable ones so every squad’s more balanced?”

“That would probably be true if we were still safe in school.” Aldimir paused just to yawn, lazily covering his mouth with his hand. “But if I was in charge? I’d group the good with the good and the… uh, less good with the less good.”

Reivan hummed in agreement, but they still had a couple of minutes until their stop. Picking his travel companion’s brain didn’t seem like a bad way to kill time. “Why?”

“Eh… Are you asking because you’re actually curious or just to kill time?”

“A bit of both, to be honest.”

“Damn you.”Aldimir snorted, and for a moment, didn’t seem like he’d give an answer. But after a short pause, he sighed in defeat and reclined on his soft seat. “Given how most of our duties involve fighting or security, wouldn’t it be easier to deploy us to missions that match our skill if they were sure that the squad was dependable and each member had the corresponding level of ability? If you try to balance out the squads, you’ll also end up with a bunch of capable sorcerers who end up way too busy babysitting instead of doing what they do best — slinging their spells around.”

“Uh-huh…”

“And if a squad doesn’t perform up to par, then the entire squad can just be sent back to training. But if the capable sorcerers are distributed, you can never be sure if the squad’s failure is due to lack of proper leadership or a need for additional training.”

Reivan froze, his stunned gaze locked on the lethargic young man in front of him. “Y’know… you’re actually pretty smart, huh? Surprisingly.”

“That last bit was unnecessary and you know it.”

“You can’t blame me for thinking you’re an irredeemable playboy who thinks with his cock, right?”

“Bastard.” Aldimir chuckled under his breath, a sad grin on his face as he looked down at his hand. “I think I overheard somewhere that you had no siblings, right?”

Reivan grunted. “Yeah. What of it?”

“That’s good.” Aldimir clenched his fist and opened it up again, his fingers splayed as far as they would go as if he was testing just how far he could get them apart from each other. After a few more silent seconds, he stopped and looked up. “Be glad that you’ll never have to experience having siblings that want you dead.”

“Siblings that want you dead, huh…” Reivan muttered to himself, recalling that Aldimir was from the Adamantes clan, though he wasn’t supposed to know that yet. “Succession dispute?”

“Yep. Exactly. I didn’t want their fucking money though. That’s why I left.”

“Personally, I would’ve taken the money.”

“Pff.” Aldimir tried to hold in a chuckle but eventually couldn’t help it, filling the compartment with his laughter. “A difference of perspective, I guess. Personally, I would’ve preferred to have had a peaceful childhood.”

Reivan scratched his chin and hesitated, but eventually decided to dig for more information. “You make it sound like you’re some criminal boss’ long lost son.”

“Nah, my family’s not into the illegal stuff — it’s bad for the family’s integrity or something. Sadly, they can still do a lotta damage to people even when they don’t break the law.”

“Like what…?”

Aldimir raised a brow at him before shrugging. “Can’t say, I’m afraid. Just know that where I come from, the dumb ones die young — way before they can fuck their first whore.”

Knowing that pushing anymore would be suspicious, Reivan decided to stop digging, leading the conversation into a more casual topic. “That doesn’t tell me much. I bet you did it before puberty.”

“Way before that, Clover. Way before that. The stupid bitch tried to kill me part-way through though. That wasn’t very fun.”

“I guess you could say that she couldn’t finish you off, huh?”

Aldimir grinned and lightly kicked Reivan in the shin. “Hey, that was a traumatic moment in my life. Treat it with the respect it deserves by keeping your shitty puns away from it.”

Reivan also grinned. “Anyway, what are we gonna do here? You made it sound like it had to be in here.”

“Oh, that? I know a guy here.”

“Uh-huh. And what does this guy do?”

“He sells drugs,” Aldimir said, as if there was absolutely nothing wrong for two people to do that in the first few days after they started training as battlemages. “Y’know, things that’ll make you fly. It’s not even that addictive. I can quit anytime I want. I just don’t want to.”

Reivan put a hand up to his forehead and decided not to ask the obvious questions in his head. In any case, he could just not take the drugs when it came time. “What is he, some gang member or something?”

“Actually, he is. I don’t know what it’s called, but everyone in his gang has a snake tattooed somewhere.”

‘...Oh. So he’s one of mine, then.’

If Aldimir’s acquaintance had a tattoo though, that actually meant he was nobody important. The real members of Ouroboros didn’t have any identifying marks whatsoever. On the other hand, the ones that did were from the local rackets and gangs that Ouroboros absorbed and trained as disposable minions — tails that could be cut off when the need arose.

Not even the Saintess would pity those men though, considering how they were horrible people even before Ouroboros got to them. They were simply sowing the seeds that they sowed.

“What’s the guy’s name?” Reivan asked, in case he knew the person. The chances were low since all matters in the republic were left to Elsa, and even she was so high up the ladder that she probably didn’t know any of the subsidiary members by name.

“I have no idea.” Aldimir shrugged with a chuckle. “I’ve known the guy for years and we’ve had lots of fun together on numerous occasions. But strangely enough, we never really asked for each other’s name. Didn’t really need it either. It’s beautiful how drugs, booze, and hookers can bring men together…”

Sighing, Reivan shook his head. “Y’know what? I don’t think taking drugs when we’re in this profession is a good idea.”

“You’re saying that now?” Aldimir asked, exasperated. “Just calm down, the drug’s not illegal.”

“The hell's that supposed to mean…?”

“Not illegal yet. It’s new, so they haven’t got around to it yet.”

‘I didn’t know we had a new drug… Not that I would have found the information particularly useful.’

He had a fuck ton of other concerns during these past few months, so he wouldn’t have cared about some new narcotic Ourorobos was selling anyway.

Aldimir was just about to say something when the train lurched to a halt and a bell started ringing off in the distance. With a smile, he stood up and gestured for Reivan to follow. “C’mon, let’s go. I’m getting excited about the new girls I’ll get to try there… they always have the best ones, I swear. Classy too. Plus, they’re not illegal slaves, so you don’t feel bad about it afterward.”

“…You’ve tried the illegal ones before?”

“Hey, I was in a dark place at the time.” Saying nothing more, Aldimir continued down the train car until he reached the exit, jumping onto the platform with Reivan silently trailing behind him.

They waded through the crowds and at some point, Reivan called out Aldimir saying that he had to take a leak, to which the other youth agreed, also feeling the need to relieve himself. Together, they went to the restroom where Reivan immediately checked that a particular stall was empty, ducking into it as fast as he could, as if he just had to go.

‘There it is. Valter’s code…’

In the restroom stall’s partition was some graffiti. Such things would have normally gotten cleaned up, and in any case, nobody would actually dare to vandalize the bathroom in a train station protected by Aizenian knights.

The graffiti’s existence itself was strange, but not to Reivan. Among the words and profanities, he saw an arrangement of dots that would have seemed meaningless to most people but the kingdom’s military.

It was morse code, after all.

‘Yes. And Yes. So that means Valter is here at the station. And we’re also still under observation. Fuck.’

Reivan sighed as he relieved himself, annoyed at the Tower’s paranoid obsession with making sure their recruits were clean. He supposed it was a little too naive to think that they would trust the oath they made all the first years swear to.

‘And because of that recent incident, they’re a bit more on guard, too.’

His plans to unload his findings on Valter were ruined, along with the possibility of reuniting with his fiancees.

‘Guess I’ll just fool around with Aldimir and go home.’

The only good thing he got out of this was that his arrival here showed that the infiltration was a success and that he was still alive, alleviating the worries of his family and soon-to-be family.

Reivan tried to convince himself that he had to be satisfied with that for now.

════════════════════════════════

In the end, Aldimir did, in fact, find the guy he knew. The two got along extremely well and even had their arms around each other despite one side not knowing the other’s name. Actually, when asked, even the drug dealer didn’t know what Aldimir’s name was — just that the young lad was fun and always paid in full.

Sometimes, Reivan met people that made him feel like he wasn’t very good at socializing, and Aldimir was one of those people.

Maya was the other one.

‘Fuck. I was just starting to get her out of my mind, too…’

Reivan grimaced as they were led into a respectable-looking building on a main street, which was actually an upper-class brothel on the inside that offered small party rooms where a group of people could enjoy the company and service of multiple gorgeous women. It was a common type of Ouroboros-owned brothel since the idea came from Reivan himself.

There were all sorts of rooms on offer, and Aldimir boisterously ordered the second most expensive one after being informed that the most expensive room was apparently unavailable.

Unfortunately, despite everything but the top room being available, the women were apparently not the same. In fact, they were the ones occupying the top floor, celebrating something on the establishment’s dime.

“Are you serious…?” Aldimir slammed a hand on the counter, his annoyance bared for all to see. “What the hell are we even gonna do with the rooms if there aren’t any girls!?”

“You may still order a selection of food and drink, dear customer.” the male clerk calmly replied, unfazed by the young man’s ire. “Everything, even the room, will be discounted heavily.”

“Oh, they better be. Hell, they should be free at this point.” Aldimir pulled Reivan over and gestured to him. “Look, my dear friend here has just lost someone. He is heartbroken and in great pain. I came here to cheer him up and this happens? C’mon.”

“Well…” The clerk looked Reivan up and down for a few heartbeats before his face broke into one of pity. “He does look miserable.”

“...Excuse me?” Reivan raised a brow. Even if they insulted his face right now, it wasn’t really his face, so he shouldn’t feel too mad about it. But suddenly being insulted somehow got on his nerves.

In response, the clerk merely raised both hands in surrender and tried to defuse the situation. “A slip of the tongue, dear customer. In any case, if you are determined to be… served tonight, may I recommend an alternative?”

“Hoh?” Aldimir’s lips curled up into a wide smile. “Now, we’re talking. I’m interested.”

“Yes. While our female workers are all celebrating at the top floor right now and will likely continue to do so until tomorrow, we cater to many clientele, and have male workers who are quite capable in both taking and being—”

“Okay, I’m gonna stop you right there.” Aldimir held up a hand and massaged the bridge of his nose. “We’re not interested in that. We want females. With tits and everything. A pretty face too. That kind of service. And your store is the best, from what I’ve experienced.”

“Thank you for your continued patronage and I’m sorry for the inconvenience.”

“Fucking hell, he just said some generic bullshit at me…" Aldimir turned to the friendly drug dealer whose name he didn't know. "Hey. Can’t you do something about this? You said you’ll only sell to me if I use this place, right?”

The guy, whose name was actually Freddie according to [Supreme Insight], looked a bit troubled before walking up to the counter with a sheepish smile. “Dodil. C’mon, I’m sure a few of the girls won’t refuse good money to pull away for a bit, right? This is really embarrassing for me, I brought these guys here, remember?”

“It’s out of my hands.” The clerk named Dodil shrugged. “The boss is here. I'd rather piss you off, honestly.”

“What? Which boss? The one with the big tits?”

“No, not that one, you idiot. What would she even do all the way out here, so close to that giant penis they call a tower? I'm talking about our boss. He’s the one who said all the girls are off today since one of them apparently graduated from university. If you wanna go up there and try to coax one of the girls out when he specifically said that today's a day of celebration, be my guest.”

“Shit.” Freddie, whose name Aldimir still didn’t know, turned around while scratching his head. He guiltily raised his hands up in surrender at Aldimir. “Apologies, friend. I can’t do anything about it. I’ll tell you what, I’ll sell you the goods anyway, you can just do the deed someplace else. I’ll even give you a discount. Half-price. How's that?”

Aldimir fought with his frustrations for a moment before handing over a handful of bills to the dealer and taking a small package wrapped in paper in exchange. He then turned around and gestured for Reivan to follow. “C’mon, man. We’ll drown our sorrows in a place that won’t try to sell us dicks, of all things.”

“If you come back tomorrow night, we’ll serve you to the best of our abilities.” The clerk called out to them as they left, but Aldimir didn’t turn back. “May the cold winds bring warm tidings for you, dear customers! I'm very sorry for the inconvenience!”

“Damned luck.” Aldimir cursed to himself when they stepped outside. With a sigh, he turned to Reivan and slightly lowered his head. “Sorry, Clover. I wanted to show you a good time tonight, but then this happened.”

“Don’t worry about it.” Reivan rubbed his palms together and exhaled sharply, watching as his breath visibly showed just how cold it was. “Since that place didn’t work out, how about we go to some pub to start with? It’s freezing out here.”

“Yeah, it’s always been cold in this shithole… but that’s not the problem, I don’t know any other place we can go to for hookers and privacy.”

“I thought you knew this place?”

“I did, but all the ones I know of have probably been torn down in that cleanup the government did a few years back. Or they only have chicks that’ll give us an unwanted present — legitimate brothels aren’t necessarily free of disease, after all. I wanted it to be here since they keep their girls clean.”

Reivan clenched his teeth and pulled out his wand, conjuring a few baubles of heat to stave off the cold. “Screw the girls then. Let’s just get drunk. Anything to get out of this damned cold.”

“But… I'm kind of pent up.”

“Then we drink at a place where there are women. Just ask a few locals along the way.”

Aldimir’s eyes widened for a moment, staring at Clover in awe. “You’re a genius, Clover. A genius! Local procurement, why didn’t I think of that? It’s cheaper too, all we gotta do is buy them a drink or two.”

“I really hope that if I ever have a daughter, they won't ever meet a guy like you. Now c’mon, as I’ve mentioned before, I’m fucking freezing.”

“...Hey.”

"What?"

"I'm really sorry about this, man. I pulled you all the way over here for nothing."

Reivan glanced at the young man and grinned. It seemed that despite his shortcomings and overall perverseness, Aldimir had good intentions in taking him all the way out here. Not that he knew why he went to such lengths.

“Fucking hell, stop moping, man.” Reivan lightly punched Aldimir in the shoulder. “Relax. The night’s still young. Only time will tell if this was a good or a bad thing.”

“...Thanks, Clover. Let’s go here again next time. My treat.”

“Sure, thing. You had me at 'my treat'. But for now, booze.”

“Yep. Booze. Let's get the good stuff!”

════════════════════════════════

Reivan didn’t forget how weak Clover Salwyn was to alcohol, but he drank until he got drunk anyway, thinking that it would do him some good to get Maya and the other innocent person he killed out of his mind for a while.

Unfortunately, the alcohol made him forget a lot of things, not just what he wanted to forget.

“Ugh…” Reivan awoke with a horrible headache and a lack of clothing on his body, groggily pushing aside the weight on top of him — which was, he noticed, a naked woman who was sleeping quite soundly.

‘Well, I can’t remember anything but it seems I was successful last night.’

With a bit of a struggle, he sat up and finally noticed the other naked woman sleeping by his feet.

‘I... guess I was very successful last night. Holy shit.’

“Excuse me there…” Reivan gently navigated through the king-sized bed he didn’t remember climbing into without moving the women too much. Sighing in relief once his feet touched solid ground, he stood up and finally noticed two women, curled up on the floor.

They were both naked except for one, who was wearing a white collared shirt — his white shirt, in fact. The other one was wearing his underwear, except it was on her head for some reason. That certainly wasn't a good thing because he was naked and he didn't have any other clothes.

‘God... What the hell happened last night…? Did I really just have a fivesome? As Clover Salwyn? That can't be right...’

Reivan cradled his head and tried to recall the events of last night. All he could vaguely remember was drinking whatever was put in front of him, which, he just now realized, was not a very good idea when someone accompanying him had questionable narcotics on their person. Rather than Aldimir drugging him, Reivan found it more likely that in his drunken stupor, he had mistakenly taken the drugged drink Aldimir intended for himself.

In any case, the last thing he could remember was a burst of happiness.

Then he was out like a light.

‘Actually, I think I still kinda feel happy… This feels really nice...’

Reivan reflected on the feeling, somehow understanding how people got addicted to narcotics in the first place. He would not be the same though.

For he understood that he deserved everything he was going through as a result of his actions.

“You seem to be having fun, Your Highness.”

“FU—” Reivan barely stopped himself from shouting, calming his beating heart and turning to the source of the voice. “Valter. What the hell? Why are you here? Also, you almost scared the piss out of me.”

“I took it upon myself to create an opportunity to talk. I had some help though. From Dame Mordred.”

“Mordred…?” Reivan’s brows shot up only for him to frown in confusion. “Are we thinking of the same person? I know five people named Mordred."

"It’s the female one."

"The one that’s part of the Twelve Helms?”

Valter nodded. “Yes, that’s the one.”

“Huh. I thought she was in Sutherim... Wait, if she's here, who's handling the orcs?”

“She has returned. The matters with the orcs have changed and there is no longer a need to station her there. His Majesty sent her and Sir Callahan here just in case.”

Reivan rubbed his lips, which were already curving into a big grin. “Guess my brother just loves me that much, huh?”

“Indeed he does, Your Highness.” Valter smiled and nodded as if it were a matter of course. “Now, my apologies, but Dame Mordred cannot stall your observer for too long. She is doing so by accusing them of trying to steal information hidden in the nearby station, but she can’t continue blocking off all perception in the city for too long. Do you have anything to report?”

“Yes. Yes, I do, Valter. I have a lot to report.”

Feeling rushed, Reivan continuously mouthed off. He had never talked so fast in his life and ended up stumbling on his words a few times. In the end, and to save time too, he just took out multiple pieces of paper from Zouros’ stomach and a few pens, using [Formless Will] to write down what he didn’t have enough time to talk about.

By the time they were done, Reivan had divulged as much information as he could and handed over all the items he needed to hand over. He had even managed to jot down a copy of the spellbook he and the other first years were given — except it only included the part with the orb-cracking spell since Aizen already knew about the other spells in it.

Valter placed everything inside his own spatial ring and saluted him. “It seems you have profited greatly from this, Your Highness. Your sacrifice for Aizen is worthy of all the respect I can give and more.”

Reivan grinned and shrugged as if it was no big deal. “I was mostly lucky to meet Aguru and Dom, actually. Just, completely random occurrences. But sure, I’ll accept the praise anyway.”

“You deserve it. I’m sure everybody else back home will feel the same way when your report reaches His Majesty.”

“Good.”

“In fact, one can even say that just this is enough, Your Highness. It's enough for you to go home.”

Reivan’s smile froze, but after a brief pause, he shook his head. “I still have things to do here, Valter. Things to take. I can’t go back yet.”

Valter dipped his head. “I expected such an answer.”

“Oh? Were you testing me?”

“Not at all. I was merely ordered to probe your mental state.” The knight stared at him for a few moments before hesitantly speaking. “I watched you as you drank last night, Your Highness. You seem as if you were trying to run away from something.”

“Damn. I knew you’d notice, Valter.” Reivan didn’t even try to deny it, knowing that trying to pull the wool over the eyes of someone who had watched him for so long was a futile effort. “The people I killed…. The ones I told you about, they… uh…”

“They haunt you, Your Highness?” Valter finished for him.

And Reivan, in turn, couldn’t disagree. “Yes. Yes, they do. Awake or not, they're there.”

“You understand that this is one of the reasons you set out on this mission in the first place, yes? To steal information and rob the Tower of its talents. Finding ways to undermine and sabotage it as well.”

“I do… I understand that.”

“Do you also understand that this will not be the last time you take such actions?”

Reivan nodded again, though with a bit less vigor than before.

To this, Valter chuckled. “As long as you understand that, then all is well. There is nothing to be worried about.”

“Nothing to be… What about the nightmares, then? And how I can’t stop thinking about them.”

“Those are things all people go through, Your Highness. Even me.”

“Then… how do I deal with it…?”

“Booze. Drugs. Women. Pick your poison, Your Highness.” Valter shook his head and sighed. “I believe you know how difficult my life was before I found myself in Aizen, yes?”

“You were in the empire.” Reivan nodded. “I remember.”

“Hm. Well, I killed many horrible people. People who wanted me dead for reasons beyond my control, my ethnicity being one of many. But sometimes, I had to kill people who didn’t wrong me in any way too. And I still remember them until this day, hundreds of years afterward, when even their bones have turned to dust.”

Valter suddenly placed a hand on his shoulder. “What’s important, Your Highness, is that you can still feel the guilt at all. Though inconvenient, it is not a bad thing to have. Deal with it in your own way, endure it, set it aside, but rue the day when you no longer have it. That's the sign that you've become something else — something you don't want to become. Do you understand?”

“...Yes, Valter.” Reivan nodded slowly, looking up and meeting the knight’s gaze. “I understand. Thank you.”

“You are very welcome, Your Highness. Now, I would love to delve deeper into this and help you more, but we have just about run out of time. We’ll talk more on this matter. I feel as if the psychological effects of your mission and what you do to get it done is now more of a priority to me than your safety, given all the Transcendent items you have to protect you.”

“I’m fine now, Valter. Go. Don’t worry. I can deal with the rest on my own. This is me we're talking about.”

“Very well. I have great experience in matters similar to your present circumstances, Your Highness, so you may count on me for advice. Just not now, obviously.”

Reivan chuckled, shooing the knight away. “I get it, Valter. Now, just leave. I’ve been naked all this time and I’m not too happy about how showing myself to a man — a man that I know, at that.”

The corners of Valter’s lips teased upward for a heartbeat before the knight vanished into thin air, probably through the open window letting in a blast of cold air.

Reivan walked over and closed it, reveling in the darkness that followed.

Though short, he felt slightly better after venting to his guardian knight.

Initially, he understood that his guilt was a hindrance, It dulled him and even stole time away that he could use to rest. But at the same time, one of the things Reivan feared the most was eventually turning into some sort of monstrous lunatic that casually took the lives of the innocent whenever it suited his needs. He knew there was a line, and every time he crossed it made it easier to do again.

That was why, in addition to the guilt plaguing his heart, he was also conflicted on whether to try to strangle out his sense of guilt or accept that it would simply be a burden he would carry for the rest of his life.

He was much more inclined to the latter, but all the same, he had thought that would make him weak. And weakness, in this world, wasn’t a sin. But it was a sin if you chose to be weak. For that reason, he thought it would be better to try not to feel any guilt at all — to just become the monster he feared to become.

‘Acceptance, huh?’

Now, Reivan thought differently. If one of the oldest and strongest knights in Aizen said it was okay to bear that burden for as long as he lived, then Reivan was inclined to believe them. It was the option that felt right to him too.

It was okay to feel guilty. It was okay to feel sorrow.

But eventually, Reivan had to move forward. And to do that, he would need to put Maya and the nameless young man behind him — or rather, he would place them on his back, where he would drag the memories of their final moments for eternity.

‘Sorry.’

Reivan decided that now was as good a time as any to try.