Memoirs 135 - Doubt (Patreon)

A fog had descended over the mansion ever since Scarlett’s return. It hung over the hallways and corridors, clinging to the nooks and crannies and stretching out into the courtyard and gardens outside. It left people feeling uncomfortable. Tense. As if they had done something wrong and a punishment would be meted out any second now.

It seemed the baroness was in a bad mood.

Rosa would have to be blind not to have noticed. It was clear to anyone that paid attention in the mansion, even if they hadn’t actually seen the woman for themselves. It was in the very air of this place, and Rosa didn’t know the reason behind it. But that was only one of her current worries.

She lay on the bed in her room, gazing up at the ceiling boards with tired eyes. She did her best to ignore the shadows that lurked in the ceiling beams and the corner of her eyes, cast by the moonlight entering through the window. Her fingers clutched at the blankets beneath her, searching for some semblance of tranquility in their softness.

The visions had been getting worse again lately. They were always bad, but it ebbed and flowed. This past week, where Scarlett had been away on some business in Kilsfell, had been the worst for well over a month. She had barely slept for three days.

She hadn’t realised how quickly she had become reliant on Scarlett. On the peace that came with the woman. This last week, she had avoided interacting with others as much as she could without it looking unnatural, waiting for it all to pass. Yet the moment she’d heard Scarlett returned the previous day, she had practically run to see her. For that one moment of peace it afforded. That one chance for an actual, genuine conversation not marred by what she saw. The chance to just enjoy the moment and not just hide.

Like a naive little kid who’d been waiting for their parent to get home because they were too afraid to go to sleep without them.

And then she’d had the gall to feel disappointed when Scarlett had refused to see her.

Staying close to the woman to avoid the visions was just a stopgap to begin with. A temporary reprieve. One that she had told herself a hundred times not to get dependent on. It was only natural that Scarlett had concerns of her own and couldn’t always answer to the whims of Rosa and her unwanted passenger. It was unreasonable to expect anything less.

Yet she still found herself hoping for more every time she tasted that freedom.

She shifted her head to the side, glancing at the rest of the dark room. Her eyes came to rest on the klert leaning against the wall next to the door.

When it got like this, not even her music could help all the time. If anything, playing her instrument could make things worse. It would come out wrong. Sometimes, her fingers wouldn’t do what she wanted. And then she would hear the derisive cackling of a thousand souls from the walls. It was frustrating. Maddening. Her music was the only thing that had always stayed with her, and the thought of losing that terrified her.

She wanted it all over with. This sick game meant just to torment her for someone’s entertainment. She wanted it to end before something bad happened. Again.

Maybe it was time she left this mansion.

It had been months since she got here. Ages, to her. Longer than she had stayed in any one place since she was a kid. Longer than she ever thought she could stay in one place. She had told Scarlett she never wanted to leave, but…

Those had just been her hopes and dreams. It wouldn’t do her any good to stay here for too long. It wouldn’t do anyone any good. It would just make it harder when she eventually had to leave.

She closed her eyes, counting down from eleven. She wouldn’t be getting any more sleep tonight. That much she already knew.

Sitting up in the bed, she shuffled her legs over the edge and hovered her feet above the floor. The chill from the floorboards made her toes curl. There were sounds coming from underneath. There had been for hours. The noise of hundreds of skittering legs, and the slow, rustling movement of something thick and viscous.

They were ignorable. She could pretend like they didn’t exist. Sounds weren’t too bad when she was on her own, because then she could tell they weren’t real.

She put on her boots, resting next to the bed, and stood up. She needed a walk. Anything was better than staying cooped up in here in her own thoughts.

She didn’t bother donning any other clothes as she moved towards the door, keeping the ruffled set she’d worn during the day. Exiting into the hallway outside, she let the soft light of the moon washing in from the large windows in the hall guide her way, not really caring where she was going. Almost as soon as she had left her room, sounds started following her. They trailed her as she moved through the mansion’s empty corridors. Creaking walls, steps around the corners, the odd whisper escaping the shadows she passed by. She disregarded most of it, shutting out anything that didn’t sound like it could come from an actual person.

It would look strange if she ran into one of the staff and didn’t even notice them again.

The ominous atmosphere clung tightly to her surroundings as she continued idling through the mansion, the dull sounds of her feet on the carpeted floor joining the others that stalked her. The walls were lined with old paintings of stoic-looking aristocrats, their eyes tracking her carefully with poorly hidden disdain. Candles on sconces hung between the pictures, unlit. Yet shadows still danced behind them and along the walls.

Rosa hummed a tune to bring it all off her mind, like she often did. But the notes felt weak. Muted. At one point, she caught a glimpse of her reflection in a passing mirror. Her curled brown hair was even more unruly than usual, her violet eyes looking back at her own. The reflection smiled with a twisted expression, and she turned away.

Out of the corner of her eye, she saw something more in the mirror. Something that moved. But it couldn’t hurt her as long as she didn’t lose control.

She continued walking through the mansion—she didn’t know for how long—before finally stopping. She blinked, looking around at where she had found herself. This was the east wing. Not far from Scarlett’s office.

This was exactly where she didn’t want to go. She spun around, taking one step before pausing.

It was the middle of the night. Scarlett probably wouldn’t even be there right now. And Rosa didn’t feel like heading back yet. It wouldn’t hurt to walk around here for a bit longer.

She turned back to look down the hallway, in the direction of Scarlett’s office.

…Who was she trying to fool?

It was as if her legs took on a will of their own, and they started moving her down the hallway. Turning around a corner, she spotted the door to the noblewoman’s office at the end of a hall. Slowly, she walked towards it, eyes focused on the murky darkness that drifted around the door frame, clamoring to it like a fog. Not daring to enter.

Scarlett was inside.

A soft purring brought Rosa out of her trance.

She shifted her attention to her right. There, on the windowsill looking out at the dark courtyard outside, was a cat. Its jet-black fur almost melted into the surroundings, but its clear, amethyst eyes were looking at Rosa with an appraising gaze.

The cat purred once more, and Rosa found herself lowering her head out of pure instinct.

This wasn’t a normal cat. It wasn’t part of one of her visions, either.

She had never seen Scarlett with a cat near her, or any kind of pet, really. It probably didn’t belong to her. From the feeling Rosa got from it, this cat didn’t belong to anyone.

A few seconds passed, and before Rosa had the chance to gather herself and speak, the cat leaped down from the windowsill in one graceful movement and strode up to her. It circled her legs once, tail jutting up pridefully behind it, then let out a short meow before wandering down the hallway she had come from.

Rosa watched in silence as the cat soon disappeared around the corner, the words stuck in her throat. For some reason, she wanted to both laugh and cry at the same time. Just one look was enough to tell her how ridiculous meeting this cat here was. At the same time, it felt as if it had seen through her with one glance, pitying her.

She looked back at the door to Scarlett’s office. Now she wanted to go inside even more.

She stepped closer to it, reaching a hand towards the elaborate silver handle, stopping only as she touched the cool metal. Inside, she could almost feel Scarlett’s presence. There was a weak light sneaking out from beneath the door as well, hinting that the noblewoman was still awake.

A stray thought entered Rosa’s mind.

…Maybe she could finally bring herself to ask Scarlett about her condition? She had been observing the woman for a while now, gauging the woman’s personality. Maybe Scarlett was different? Maybe she could actually help her?

Those were all ideas she had been nurturing for months now. She had been trying to muster the courage to finally ask several times over, but it always led to the same outcome. A fake smile and her changing the topic. But maybe, just maybe, if it was tonight, she could do it.

She started as a loud thud sounded out from inside. Like a book being slammed onto a table in anger.

She stared at the door.

…No, Scarlett already had enough troubles of her own. She liked to hide it, but Rosa knew at least that much. She didn’t have to add any more on top of that. The woman had been nothing but generous to her and owed her nothing. If anything, the kindest thing Rosa could do in return was leave.

In fact, she should tell Scarlett that right now. Otherwise, she might never get to it. She would just keep ignoring it, delaying it like she always did. And then everything’s going to go wrong again and it will be her fault and there will be nothing she can do about it even if she regrets it and—

She shook her head, forcing her thoughts away from that track. She needed a clear head if she was going to do this now.

Taking a deep breath, she counted down from eleven and opened the door. The room was mostly dark, lit up by a single candle sitting on the corner of the desk in front of Scarlett. The red-haired noblewoman looked up from a pile of books, maps, and letters spread out before her, a hint of a scowl on her face before she recognized Rosa.

“…Miss Hale. I did not know you were still awake.”

Rosa glanced around the office. It was quiet and devoid of any nightmarish visions, with two bookshelves—one on each side—and a few paintings hanging off the walls. The painting hanging behind Scarlett, of the vast battlefield with armies pressing into a deep valley, caught her eyes as usual, her gaze lingering on it.

“You know how I am,” she said after a moment, tearing her eyes away and looking at Scarlett. “I like to take late nights walks now and then. Just so happened to pass by, so I thought I’d see if you were still up. There was something I wanted to talk about.”

The woman pressed a hand to her forehead, leaning over her desk. She looked…tired. “I apologize, but this is not the best time for a conversation, Miss Hale.”

“I get that.” Rosa closed the door behind her, annoyed at the comfort she felt from closing away the outside world. “But this is something I need to talk about now, or it might be too late.”

Scarlett seemed to consider her for a second, then closed her eyes with a small sigh and gestured towards the armchair in the room’s corner. The woman had moved it here for Rosa because of how often she visited. “Very well. Have a seat.”

Rosa stayed quiet as she moved over to the chair and sat down.

Scarlett was looking at her. “And? What was there you wished to discuss?” There was a slight tenseness to her voice.

Her heart hammered in her ears as she met the woman’s eyes. She opened her mouth, but her throat tightened before the words came out. Why was she like this? First, she couldn’t bring herself to share her situation with the woman because of the possible consequences, but now she couldn’t even get herself to say that she was leaving either.

“…If it is something you have this much difficulty to speak of, then it might be best to leave it for another time,” Scarlett said. “While I do not mean to be rude, I also do not wish to mince words. This is far from the best occasion to discuss delicate matters, and I am not in the mood for your usual jests.”

Rosa tried a small smile. “No offense, but I could tell. I assume whatever business you dealt with the other day didn’t go well?”

It really would be better if she could do this tomorrow instead. Or any other day, really. She was being inconsiderate enough to Scarlett as is.

But no. It was best for all of them if this was done tonight.

Now, if only she could only get herself to actually bring it up.

Scarlett paused for a moment, tapping her finger against the cover of a book on her desk. “…Is it that evident?”

“Are you kidding?” Rosa let out a brief laugh, trying to lighten the atmosphere without pushing the woman. “You’ve had basically all the servants on edge since you returned. Allyssa and Shin seem to think someone died, and Fynn has been acting like a dejected guard dog for a day and a half. There’s no one who hasn’t noticed. It’s in the air itself.”

Some of the servants had genuinely been scared when Scarlett returned the day before. Not everyone had understood what this strange sensation bearing down on them was, and Rosa had heard more than one mention of ghosts. It was an odd phenomenon, and while Rosa knew that weird emerald of Scarlett’s was the reason, she didn’t really understand the why and how behind it all.

She raised her hands in the air. “But I won’t pry. Everybody’s got skeletons in the closet that they’d rather be kept there. Things didn’t go quite as you wanted, and we’ll leave it at that.” She gestured to the cluttered desk in front of the woman. “You’ve…eh….been keeping yourself busy since you got back, it seems?”

Scarlett furled up one of the maps on the desk and placed it to the side, covering up a couple of the letters that seemed to have her writing on them. “Due to some…vexing circumstances…I am hoping to locate a certain person.” She held a stiff expression on her face, and there was a sharpness to her words. “I would prefer not to go into further detail for the time being.”

Rosa eyed her for a few seconds. While the woman still looked as impassive as usual, she was clearly straining herself to remain so. This was the first time Rosa had seen her like this, and she found herself feeling sorry for whoever had angered the baroness.

“Forget about it,” she said. “Like I said, I won’t pry.”

“Yes, I am well aware of the degree to which you care about the sanctity of maintaining secrets.”

Rosa stilled. “…I’m sure I don’t know what you mean.” She laughed a little.

Scarlett studied her. “No… I am sure you do not.”

Rosa met her eyes, a growing notion poking at the back of her head. She had always played it off as nothing but her own fanciful daydreams, but there were times when she suspected…

“It’s hard, you know…” The words left her in a whisper.

“What is?” Scarlett asked.

Her eyes widened. She waved her hand through the air, looking away. “Hah, never mind. That just sounds misleading when I say it like that. There really wasn’t any meaning behind it, so forget I said anything.”

Here she was again. She had already decided what she was here to do, yet she was still hesitating.

Scarlett considered her quietly for several seconds, and Rosa squirmed under her gaze. She had no idea what was going through the woman’s mind now at the moment.

“…How far has it gone currently?” Scarlett asked.

A wave of cold washed over Rosa, and she almost forgot to breathe.

Scarlett did know.

She stared at the woman, eyes not blinking.

…Of course she knew. This was Scarlett they were talking about. What didn’t Scarlett know? What was shocking was that Rosa had managed to delude herself into thinking that Scarlett might actually be unaware of the truth. In fact, the reason she had wanted to tell the woman in the first place was because she was likely to know at least something regarding it.

Was this relief she felt? Anxiety? Hope?

Rosa genuinely couldn’t tell. She didn’t know what was what.

How much did Scarlett know? For how long?

…Since the beginning?

Scarlett had known who she was before they even met. But why would any sane person look for her if they knew the truth about her condition? No matter what services Rosa could provide, it wouldn’t make up for that. Unless… Scarlett had sought her out specifically because of that?

It was like a dam had burst, and a deluge of questions Rosa was both afraid and hoped to hear the answer to threatened to pour out.

“…I misspoke,” Scarlett suddenly said. “You do not have to answer that question.”

Rosa was brought out of her thoughts. “No, wait, I’m—”

“Let me rephrase.” Scarlett held up a hand. “Do not answer that question. This is not the right time.”

The woman looked down at her other hand, and Rosa blinked as she saw the part of the skin take on a darker hue. Scarlett quickly hid it under the desk.

Rosa kept staring at the woman. “What was that?”

Scarlett stayed quiet for a brief while, holding a tense expression. “Something you should not concern yourself with for now,” she eventually answered in a stern, but tired, voice. Rosa felt like she could hear some pain in it as well. “Now, what was it that you wished to discuss with me that could not wait until another time?”

Rosa slowly opened her mouth, then closed it. She had come here to say she was leaving, but now, she didn’t know what to say. She wanted to questions, but the atmosphere in the room and Scarlett’s tone made it clear she wouldn’t accept those right now.

“No, it was just…” Eventually, she found her voice, though she wasn’t even sure what she said. “I ran into this strange cat outside, and I thought I had to bring it up with you.”

“A cat…you say?” Scarlett turned towards the door, gazing at it as if she could peer through the wood.

“Yes. It had black fur and was lying on the windowsill. It left after it saw me, though.”

For some reason, Rosa knew that it hadn’t just left for another part of the mansion.

“…I suppose it would soon be time,” Scarlett muttered.

“Do you know why that cat was there?” Rosa asked, happy to grasp on to the change in subject now that the previous avenue had been closed to her.

The woman nodded her head slowly. “I do, yes. It is not a bad omen, if that is your concern. Perhaps it could even be considered a good one. However…” A pensive expression formed on her face. “There is still much to be done.”

“That’s right, you must be busy with preparations for that fancy ball thing that’s happening next week, don’t you?”

Scarlett stared at her as if she had completely forgotten about that. The woman raised a hand to her temple. “True…there is that as well. In my current state, however, I fear that I might reduce the first person to approach me with fake pleasantries to ashes.”

Normally, this was where Rosa would have laughed and said that Scarlett was finally starting to get the hang of jokes, but she felt like the woman was completely serious. Despite looking like the kind of noblewoman who would love that kind of gathering, she did not look excited right now. It felt weird, seeing this woman who was usually so unflappable this…exposed.

A few seconds of silence passed between them. Eventually, Scarlett lowered her hand and returned her attention to Rosa. “What do you say of visiting Freymeadow in the morning?”

Rosa looked at her tired expression for a moment, then showed a small, genuine smile. “Yeah, okay. That might be nice.”

She didn’t know what would happen from now on, but…maybe she could wait for a bit longer. No, maybe she had to. And then maybe, just maybe, she wouldn’t have to keep running.