Federal Boob Inspector (Family Guy) (Patreon)

Glenn Quagmire couldn't believe it. His long lost flame Cheryl Tiegs was back in town. But she had been snagged up by Brian Griffin.

He was in his home huffing and puffing with not a single 'Giggity giggity' coming out of his mouth even once. He tried beating off to the sight of Brian and Cheryl making out in that car. But for once good old fashioned sex just didn't do the trick anymore.

“That bastard!” He hated to admit it, but Brian came to his class looking to learn how to pick up chicks and in the end had become the master by getting the best chick of them all.

But then he remembered. He had an ace up his sleeve. He remembered Brian's old girlfriend Jillian. Brian had been stewing about her breaking up with him, that was the whole point he had come to his class. And she fit the bill perfectly for his techniques.

He hurried on over to Jillian's apartment. He knocked on her door. He didn't even hear her footsteps, he was so excited, and said “Oh yeah, I'm gonna get me some action!” out loud. He started moving his feet up and down in a horny little dance.

Then the door opened up. Jillian looked at him with that same vacant look on her face. Glenn knew how to defuse a situation. “Federal boob inspector!” he said. He was absent-mindedly holding a Snicker's wrapper he had just eaten out of.

Jillian looked horrified. “Okay sir, please don't hurt me! I see that you have a warrant!”

“Oh uh...” Glenn looked at the Snicker's wrapper and smiled. “That's right, this is an official investigation! So you better let me in or I'll do it by the book!”

“Okay, okay!” she said, hurriedly letting him in. “Let's make this investigation go as quickly as possible.” She took her shirt right off.

“Giggity!” Glenn said, looking at her bare tits. Her perky little nipples were standing right up on end. “As part of this official investigation, I must suck and bite all over them!”

“Okay sir! Just please don't eat them!”

Glenn had to fight the urge to bust out laughing. “Then you better behave yourself. Giggity!” He was licking his lips.

“What's going on out there anyway? I heard some stomping. Is there an earthquake happening?”

“The only earthquake I want happening is the one in your pants! Giggity!”

“That's funny! My best friend told me that he feels a quake in his pants happen after he eats a lot and lots of big rocks come out the back!”

Glenn just laughed. “Oh Jillian honey, you're hilarious! But I think we should get our rocks off together! Nothing coming out the butt! Just going up in all kinds of places! And maybe when we're done, we can fiddle with the butt too! Giggity!”

“Okay, that sounds fun! I don't know what geegety is though. Is that the scientific term for poop?”

Oh man, dumb and hot! Glenn thought to himself. I'm gonna get back at Brian so bad!

“Now listen bitch, this is a very serious matter! I must look at each of your breasts and I don't wanna hear a peep from you!”

“Yessir!”

He took each of her tits into his mouth turn by turn. He was quick and vicious from the start, licking all over them. Her nipples were so big and hot on his tongue from the start. And he knew she was liking it from her moans. He was expecting her to be put off by that tough guy act but instead she was liking it more than ever.

He reached his hand down to her crotch. To his delight she started jerking her hips right up against back against his palm. Stepping things up a bit, he used his teeth on her nipples too, feeling them quiver up. Still massaging her down there, he started humping her leg.

“Oh wow! You remind me of my ex-boyfriend Brian Griffin!”

He immediately stopped and looked up at her. “You don't say?”

“Oh yeah! Brian likes to bite my boobies like that too! Are you like friends with him or something?”

“Best friends forever. He sent me to check up on you. And he said to tell you hi!” He started biting all over her tits even more, and even unzipped the fly of her pants to find her panties. He dug his fingers in there and pushed right into her vaginal folds.

Jillian suddenly squeaked. Her pussy tensed up, then spasmed as a mess of juices spilled out through her panties and all over his hand. He stopped eating her chest and took his fingers up to his mouth and licked them clean. “Giggity-giggity-gigg-it-y. Alright.” He looked at Jillian, who was panting from the force of that orgasm. It was such a strong climax that she eventually fell right to her knees. That would never give him cause to show her mercy. “You like that, you little bitch?”

“Your pokey thing is about as big as Brian's penis.”

“Wait, wait, wait...” he said, clapping his forehead. “Your telling me Brian's penis is that small?”

“Uh-huh.”

“Let's have some numbers.”

“Oh I don't know. Math is hard and I can't really remember, but sometimes he would hump my butt and it would be nowhere near my poppy hole.”

“Your poopy hole.”

“Right my poppy hole! And then even after I spread my butt cheeks, it still couldn't get in there.”

Glenn was giggling. “So uh, what about the front?”

“Whenever he got it in there, he only lasted for a few seconds before he started barking. And then he would pull out of me with a big smile on his face.”

“You're telling me Brian does dry orgasms?”

“Uh-huh. And I'd offer to clean him up like this but he'd always be scared of my teeth. He thought I was going to bite it off.”

“Was it bite size?”

“Uh-huh!”

“Okay Jillian honey, clearly you need to see a real penis.” Without asking, he dropped his pants there on the spot. His dick was poking right up. “Heh. Say hello to my huge friend!”

Jillian gasped. “Wow, what is that?” She leaned forward and sniffed all over it. The heat of Glenn's dick filled her nose and she almost passed out. “It's so big and hot.” She looked up at him. “Brian never had a penis like this one. Are you an alien? From the alien place the government controls?”

“Heh. Oh yeah baby! Area 69! Put him in your mouth and he might even say 'Hi!'”

“Okay! Hi magic penis! I'm gonna help you open up!” Then she took his cock right into her mouth.

She was going down on the entirety of his length from the start. He couldn't believe how good she was giving him head. With every second she sucked him off, she moaned deeply. Her eyes were closed like she was in a trance. She didn't suck him off like a whore, she sucked him off like something else altogether. All he could do was sigh happily as she worked him.

When she got down to the base of his shaft again, he grabbed her face. She looked up at him innocently with that same vapid look in her eyes. “Faster, bitch!” he snapped at her.

“Okay!”she moaned, his cock still deep in her mouth. She didn't just say that either, she was very good about doing what she was told. He almost laughed through his grunts, this kind of fellatio was easily the best he had ever gotten in his life. He thought this chick was dumb but he couldn't begin to imagine just how dumb Brian was for breaking up with her like that.

The whole time she was going down on him, she wasn't just bobbing her head back and forth. She was licking over the whole of his prick in her mouth. Already plenty stiff from her speed, the way she was using her tongue was pushing Quagmire to his breaking point. He loved it the most when her tongue licked the opening of his penis.

The whole time he had been making 'Giggity!' noises. But then she licked him just right. At his limit, he actually screamed, “Giggitygiggitygigitty!” and blasted his cum all the way down her throat. He was hardly paralyzed from that orgasm either, and grabbed her head to keep her still, ramming his cock right into her mouth. She just made weak muffled sounds as he dominated her throat.

When he was finished jizzing inside her, he pulled his dick right out of her. He looked down at his penis in amazement. He was still hard up and his cock had been totally cleaned of all the excess cum. It was shining with her spittle.

“Oh wow...” Glenn said weakly with a smile on his face. He couldn't believe how good he felt.

“Your friend spit all up in my mouth!” Jillian said giddily.

“Bet you liked that huh bitch?”

“Oh yes I did! I like the way you talk! My dad used to talk like that to me all the time!”

His dick perked up hearing that. “Okay Jillian honey, slow down a bit. You tell me things like that and I might blow up all over again.”

“Okay Mr. Federal Boob Inspector! Are you done or is there anything else you have to do?”

“That's right, I am a federal boob inspector. So now we're gonna look over them. Get down on your back.”

She did exactly as she was told. Glenn being Glenn, he was always horny as hell, but this time he didn't bother with any kinky foreplay. He sat down right on top of her and rammed his dick in between her tits.

Just like when he was face fucking her, he fucked her breasts hard and fast. Jillian was moaning roughly and that only got him even more turned on. He was holding her mammaries the whole time, but her weak cries spurred on something else inside of him. He mashed onto her nipples with his palms.

He couldn't believe how hard they were. His penis was already tingling with excitement from that blow job, but tit fucking her felt great too. Her caps being so hard, knowing she was getting off on this, was awakening something else inside her altogether. He pinched and tweaked her nipples to his heart's content as he fucked in between her chest.

She squealed when she suddenly came through her tits. Even with how rough he was giving it to her, he noticed her cum. Most guys would have given her the chance to recover. But he wasn't just some average guy, he was Glenn Quagmire, and he kept on ramming her as her chest was flooded with warm euphoria. That orgasm had been so intense that he felt her breasts getting hotter with every thrust he made.

He grunted when he suddenly came again. His dick blasted a hot load of cum all over her face and in her mouth. His orgasm wasn't any weaker than his first one. He didn't know if it was the ecstasy of fucking Brian's girl after he stole Cheryl from him or she was just that good, but his whole body felt lighter than air. This little plan of his was turning out better than he could have ever expected.

And he wanted more. He slapped her hips hard. “Get up bitch! I'm gonna give it to you in your poppy hole! Giggity!”

“But aren't you a federal boob inspector?” she said, still licking his cum off her face.

“Didn't I tell you to get up?” He held up the Snicker's wrapper again. “Don't forget I have a warrant.”

She gasped. “You're right, I'm sorry sir! I'll do whatever you ask!”

She turned around and got down on all fours. She was wiggling her ass in front of him. Glenn pried apart her ass cheeks. He licked his lips at the sight of her twitching rosebud. Grinning, he slapped her ass.

“That hurts but it feels good at the same time too!” Jillian said with a giggle.

“Oh fuck this is perfect.” He positioned the head of his dick right at her anus. Then taking her words to heart, pushed himself all the way into her anal cavity. “Wow! You're so tight!”

“Really?” Jillian said.

“I mean, uh. Take it bitch like you know you like it!” Her asshole got even tighter on his cock in that instant.

While he plowed her, Jillian was moaning loudly the whole time. Far from dominated by him, she hit her ass right back up on his hips with no problem. Even with how hard Quagmire was stuffing her butt, she still looked up weakly. Neither of them had noticed but there was a mirror in the back. As she was getting it, she looked in the mirror and saw the reflection of them going at it.

“Mr. Federal Boob Inspector! Look!”

“What?”

“There's two strangers watching us!”

“Oh Jillian sweetie just look away from them.”

“Yessir!”

She actually did that, looking down for the rest of that fuck. Glenn on the other hand looked in the mirror and gave a thumbs up to his reflection.

He watched himself for the rest of it too. He was already really horny from fucking Jillian so badly but seeing himself giving it to her ignited a vain passion he hadn't felt in sometime. It was pushing to the limit of another orgasm.

Wasting no more time, he pushed himself in all the way and came for the third time with this girl. Jillian shrieked, her anus squeezing every last drop of cum out of his penis. Despite that she followed his order to the letter and didn't look up.

So obedient that as he pulled out of her, she actually closed her eyes as she turned around. Without even needing to tell her, she took his dirty dick right into her mouth and sucked him off again. Glenn smiled, humming like a little boy with his first crush as she cleaned him off with no weakness in her technique.

When she was finished, she looked up at him like a puppy dog with stars in her eyes. “Is that to your liking Mr. Federal Boob Inspector?”

Glenn breathed roughly. “Please Jillian honey, call me Glenn from now on. And we need to go clean off in the shower. We have a big date tonight!”

“We do?” He held up the Snicker's wrapper again. “Oh of course we do Glenn!”

“Giggity!” He couldn't wait to shove this one in Brian's face tonight.