[TG] Cocktail of Chaos - Part 4 (Patreon)

Commissioned by Jessicatg24

Jess’ life is perfect now, she has a loving husband and her baby is due any day and yet, the guilt of hiding who she used to be from Danny is growing every day.

For earlier chapters head over to the Directory

~

Morning wood used to be a pain in my ass.

Once you got out of your teenage years it was just irritating waking up with a hard on in the morning, especially as a single guy. I’d either have to quickly rub one out, which just added salt to the wound that was my single status, or just ignore it till the erection went away on its own. It was a small irritant, but it was common enough, even as a fully grown adult, that it had driven me crazy.

Now that I was a woman, morning wood was still a pain in my ass, though in a very different way; and one that was far less irritating. As I swam into consciousness I became aware of the pressure between my ass cheeks; a semi hard length that was occasionally twitching. A sleepy giggle escaped as my lips curled upwards and I snuggled deeper into the blankets, pressing my back harder into Danny’s chest and sighing with contentment. His palm was resting on my swollen belly; we were almost at the end of the line, the baby was due any day now.

I really expected the pregnancy hormones to settle by the final trimester but if anything, I was hornier than ever. Perhaps it was because Danny and I were still in our honeymoon period, quite literally. I opened my eyes and blinked away the sleep as my eyes focused on my own hand resting atop my pillow. The glint of my golden wedding ring in the morning light made my smile even wider. Months had passed since the wedding and yet I still felt a thrill every time I saw that band of gold. It made me feel owned but not in the way I always thought marriage would. It felt like belonging, like I was finally where I was supposed to be. With the person I was supposed to be with.

Life as Jason seemed like a grey dream long past. Logically I know I've only been Jess for a fraction of my life as a whole but I couldn't care less. As far as I was concerned; Jason was dead and buried.

Warmth bloomed on the nape of my neck as Danny pressed a kiss against my skin, pulling me that little bit closer as he rubbed circles on my belly.

“And how are my two favourite people today?” He hummed, the baby kicked and he chuckled.

“Awake.” I answered wryly, rolling over to face him. An action that had only gotten harder over the last few months. “You seem happy to see me.”

I ran my finger down his length for emphasis and watched as his pupils dilated; he had such wonderful eyes. I'd long since gotten past any weirdness about being attracted to guys; as far as I was concerned, Danny was the only person I wanted to be with now, regardless of gender.

A rumble came from Danny’s chest as he pushed as close as my belly would allow, tracing sleepy kisses down my neck as he reached forward to run one hand over my breasts. They’d gotten bigger, along with my belly and Danny had made his thoughts on the matter very clear, numerous times.

I glanced at the clock.

“You have to be at work in an hour.”

“We’ve got time.”

“I never said stop.”

“Is this your way of telling me to hurry up?” He chuckled.

“No,” I drawled, before grasping his cock tight enough that he shuddered. “This is.”

The rumble turned to a growl as he claimed my lips, gripping my arms tight and rolling us both so that I was sat astride his hips. His erection rested right against my clit as we started to make out, regardless of the morning breath.

“What? No foreplay?” I grin, Danny just raises an eyebrow, reaching his hands up to cup both my breasts.

“Now who’s taking forever?”

I shiver, already wetness was leaking from my hole as my pussy began to ache. It barely took anything to get me going these days; sometimes a simple smile from the man I loved got me feeling hot and heavy. I blamed the hormones, Danny didn’t complain though.

Without hesitation I raised my hips, reaching between us to position his cock right at my entrance before slowly sinking down. I’d lost count of how many times we’d had sex now, it never got old. I had secretly feared that eventually things would get routine or stale but I had been so very wrong. We could have sex in the same position a thousand times and it would still feel like ambrosia to my senses. Perhaps that is the power of love over carnal pleasure.

For a moment I sat there, subtly rolling my hips and treasuring the feeling of him pressing deep into me, tip resting on my G-spot; but even I can only stand being teased for so long.

I rise up and slam back down, making my breasts and belly bounce. My stomach was round enough now that when I rode Danny this way my tits would slap against the stretched skin and the sound always drove Danny wild. I watched him below me as he threw back his head and groaned, his hands coming to grip at my hips instinctually; helping me to rise and fall. I rode hard; now wasn't the time for love making, it was time for fucking. My belly bounced and my tits along with it as I began to move harder, the sound of slapping skin was everywhere.

Just as it didn't take much to get me going anymore, cumming was laughably easy. Sometimes I think a few extra smiles from Danny might even get me there. It took almost no time for my insides to begin to tighten as the ecstasy built. I began riding harder, rising up so high only the tip was left inside before slamming my hips down hard and rolling them to get maximum friction. Danny reached up a hand to press against the side of my belly and fixed me with a look that was almost beastial. He was a man looking at a woman he knocked up; that baby was his and a feeling of being owned passed over me and made my whole body shiver.

He began making the desperate, guttural grunts that I knew meant he was holding back for me. With one final buck from his hips I was cresting, moaning his name as my pulsing clenched around him and we both came.

I leaned over him, hair falling in a curtain around both our faces as I gasped for breath.

“I tell you…what, I…look forward to when…you can be on top again.” I panted, “This is hard work.”

“Man, this view is so good I don't ever want you to stop being pregnant.”

I stuck my tongue out; partly because I was still out of breath but also because I wasn't sure what to say. A baby was stressful enough but we were married now, did Danny want a big family? We’d been so busy with work, getting married and preparing for the child we hadn't discussed it.

We dragged ourselves out of bed reluctantly; while I had maternity leave Danny still had to work right up until the baby was born which left me feeling lonely and clinging most days. I gave him one last squeeze before he jumped in the shower and began the long process of getting dressed. Turns out, being pregnant makes everything take just that little bit longer, including putting on clothes. As I reached for my favourite bra I huffed, awkwardly flailing as I tried to do up the hooks at the back. The cups pressed into my breasts, squashing them back into my chest uncomfortably. I grinned, I'd gone up a cup size again! Not only did that mean more tits for me and Danny but it also meant…

“Danny!” I called, “My bra doesn't fit anymore!”

“Right then, you know what that means! What are we doing after I knock off today?” He called from the shower and I squealed.

“Shopping trip!

~

When my belly first started growing I felt self-conscious. I missed my sexy hourglass and felt fat and bloated; Danny made it his mission to make me see otherwise. And so began the shopping ritual. Every time I outgrew some of my maternity wear or started to feel ugly Danny would sweep me off my feet and whisk me off to the mall where he’d buy me a brand new outfit, top to bottom. Complete with underwear, accessories and shoes. I told him it was too much but he’d waved me off.

“It’s the job of a good husband to spoil his wife, especially as newly weds and especially especially when they are pregnant.”

I’d stopped arguing with him by now, in fact; I loved it. Danny really knew how to make a girl feel like a princess. I’d lost my shame around women’s clothing entirely now and went for the pink and frills without shame, it was oddly freeing, to not quibble over whether a shirt would look too feminine on me anymore. I could wear anything; from jeans to skirts and it was all fine. I was actually starting to feel sorry for Danny and the men, how did I live with no little choice beforehand?

“How’s this?” I asked, stepping out in the new, tightly fitting maternity bra. It was made of the softest fabric I had ever felt and even better; no hooks.

The fabric was stretching enough that all I needed to do was pull it over my head whenever I wanted to put it on or take it off. The pattern was cute as well, pale pink and white stripes with a little lace detailing on the edges. I knew they were for me the moment I saw them; there was something about the way they sat on my curves that made me look less fat and more curvaceous in all the best ways. I twirled, showing off the matching panties and grinned over at Danny.

His face melted my heart; never in my life did I dare to dream somebody would look at me like that. It was more than just lust, though that was certainly there, it was love and adoration. The gentle smile, the wide, sparkling eyes; there was no question in my mind that I had made the right choice marrying him. Still as always, there was a tiny bitter taste to the sweetness as guilt began to bubble beneath the surface.

We were married now, about to have a child and yet, Danny still didn’t know the truth about me. About how I used to be Jason. Casey and I had even stopped discussing it; sometimes it was easy to pretend Jason never existed at all but sooner or later it was bound to come up.

I’d told my work I was coming out, something that didn't matter because I worked from home and didn't have any friends or coworkers for Danny to meet. My family lived on the other side of the country and were just as close emotionally, to the point that they sent us a cheque instead of attending the wedding; but still. Sooner or later he was going to see an old photo, or a year book or something and wonder what was going on. Could trans women have children the way I was? Accidentally? I didn't even know.

“Hey, you okay, Jess?”

I snapped out of my thoughts and realised I was still standing in the middle of the dressing room like an idiot, staring off into space. I blushed.

“Yes sorry, pregnancy brain.” I lied smoothly, “Now, do I get a dress this time?”

“Only if you model it for me.”

He handed over a folded bundle of fabric and grinned as I took it.

“Your wish is my command.”

I dashed back into the change room filled with excitement, I loved when he picked out dresses for me. There was something special about wearing an outfit and loving it, knowing the man who loved me picked it out. I pinched the shoulders and let the fabric unfurl and gasped; he’d really outdone himself this time.

It was pale green, the sort of colour that made me think of spring or walking past ponds at the park. The skirt was loose and flowy, with a ruffled hem and a stretchy bow and sash tied right under where my breasts would sit. The shoulders were two thing spaghetti straps; all in all it was the perfect mixture of style, comfort and femininity. It was so different to the stretching, figure hugging dress he’d bought me last month, that one had been a rich auburn colour that lit up my eyes, this one spoke to a strange sort of innocence. It was gorgeous.

Without hesitation slipped it over my head, sighing as I felt how thin and flowy the fabric was. It hung off my bump and came to rest just below my knee. Most maternity dresses were long in my experience, most women weren't a fan of the way pregnancy made their thighs and ass swell evidently but I couldn't be more different. I loved having my legs out, and still shaved them every few days. Though as my bump grew I had to have Davy do my thighs. Something he delighted in and often turned into my lovemaking on the bathroom floor.

As I stepped out again I watched Danny's eyes light up and I knew we would be buying this one. Still, no harm in trying on half a dozen more just for the experience. I loved shopping so much, trying on all those new outfits, seeing how my body looked in different colours and styles was one of the most fun parts of being a woman. No more plain colour polos and boring on white wash jeans. Pregnancy had added a whole new dimension to it; before getting knocked up I never realised how many different ways there were to display a bump. I could never quite make up my mind about whether I preferred the tight dresses that showed off my stomach's full round shape; or the flowing ones that hung off it like a curtain.

“Oh Jess. You look wonderful.” Danny jumped to his feet and hugged me, “Where have you been all my life.”

The question was rhetorical of course; just another way for him to compliment me but it left my ears ringing. Where I was…was not existing. Somebody else was walking around. Hell, Danny didn't even know that we went to college together because in his mind, Jason was a guy he knew years ago and promptly forgot about. My stomach twisted, and not just because the baby was doing somersaults.

“Hey, what’s wrong? Are you feeling sick?” Danny’s brow furrowed with concern, “Should we go home?”

“Yeah.” I nodded. “Sorry.”

“You have nothing to apologise for.” He assured me.

‘I have everything to apologise for.’ I thought in response.

As we stood at the register paying I watched as a beautiful woman tossed another pair of designer pants onto the pile her weary looking husband was holding. She didn't spare him another glance, already looking through the latest handbags and humming to herself. A classic gold digger…was I like that? Lying to Danny and getting showered in rewards for it? I held the plastic shopping bag between my fingers and felt the weight cut into them. The dress was feather light, yet it felt like I was swinging a tonne of bricks from my fingers as we returned to the car.

As we drove home I pressed my cheek to the cool glass, looking at my distorted reflection in it. I tried to imagine my old face, the one I had for most of my life and yet, it wouldn't fully form for me. It was like trying to imagine what you looked like as a child; the image seemed right but then you looked at a photo and you realised you got all the subtle details wrong.

I wondered idly if Danny and I could have ever gotten together if I wasn't a woman. I was still the same person, right? Jess was happier, more forward, a hell of a lot more confident but other than that, Jason had been the same; did that mean the only thing that would have stood in our way as far as love was concerned was my sex?

“Hey, Danny. Are you completely straight?”

The car swerved ever so slightly as he blinked in shock.

“Uh, yeah?” He shot me a strange look, “Why do you ask?”

I wanted to slap myself in the face, who just says something like that without thinking? I often used it as an excuse but the pregnancy brain was real.

“Oh I guess I was just daydreaming.” I laughed awkwardly, “About if you would ever be interested in a guy.”

“...Is this your subtle way of seeing if I am open to a threesome?” Danny winced, “Because I’m not really into sharing you with anybody, sorry.”

“Oh God no!”

The idea of another person in our bed, male or female, touching him, making him moan; it made my blood flow green just thinking about it. I felt my face go red; I could not believe his mind had jumped right there.

“No, no I was just wondering if maybe, in another life if I was a man we could have still been together.”

We pulled into the driveway and Danny chuckled, giving me a fond smile.

“You think about the weirdest things.” He sighed. “Sorry to say your alternate self is bang out of luck. I prefer the ladies, well, one lady in particular.”

He got out and closed the door, giving me a few seconds to swim in his words before he appeared to help me out of the car. It was a cute gesture, a romantic one really. I was supposed to laugh and say ‘oh darn’ and then we’d go on with our day. If I had been born Jess, like I was steadily cursing the universe for not doing, this wouldn’t have been a problem.

The door opened and I took Danny’s offered hand as he gently helped me to my feet, my ankles were swollen and aching and the baby gave another kick. Danny giggled with delight watching the skin of my stomach stretch as their little foot pressed against it and rested his palm against the spot.

“Hey little buddy! Not long now!”

I felt queasy. I’d basically just gotten confirmation that a lie was necessary to keep the life and happiness I’d achieved. If Danny ever found out, I’d be out on my own with a baby to take care of. A baby who threatened to have his eyes or hair or worse, his laugh one day. A constant reminder of the sting of his rejection.

No, I couldn't let that happen. I had to get over this guilt, swallow it, bury it deep down inside until it didn't bother me anymore. I made a note to get rid of all my old things over the next few weeks; yearbooks, old ID’s, any evidence Danny could possibly find. Nothing was worth losing him and the happiness we’d built together.

~

Of course, things are easier said than done; well, thought than done. Perhaps it was my hard decision the other day or perhaps it was simply growing exponentially but the guilt kept creeping up on me. Where before it would only flare occasionally it now seemed to manifest every time Danny did anything sweet or affectionate, which was often.

It was as if there were a tiny voice in my mind whispering about how he didn't deserve me. That I wasn’t really a woman despite feeling so at home in my skin.

He was too good, too kind and responsible; he’d never love the real you, the lying, male you.

God, what I wouldn’t have done for a drink. I desperately missed going out and partying with Casey, at least then I could blitz all these troublesome thoughts away with alcohol. Then again, that was what got me into this mess in the first place.

I rubbed my belly as I sat on the couch lost in thought; it was strange though, despite everything I would do it all again. I already loved our child and the way they bought Danny and I together. I wouldn’t want to undo them.

I could tell my husband was starting to worry though as my mood continually turned sour; I had to do something, if the guilt kept building like this it was going to eat me alive. And I knew from personal experience there was only one thing that stopped guilt; confessing.

I grabbed my phone and texted Casey. We had stayed best friends throughout my entire pregnancy despite not being able to go out and party anymore, she would know what to do. Even if she didn’t I desperately needed to talk to somebody who actually understood what was going on. If I could bounce my thoughts off somebody maybe I could make better sense of them.

‘You up? I need your help.’

A few minutes passed before I got a reply.

‘Come on over. Is everything okay?’

‘I’ll explain when I get there.’

~

Casey opened her door and I chuckled. Her hair was full of flyaways, last night's makeup was still stained on her skin, making her tired eyes look even darker thanks to the smudged mascara and eyeliner. She’d been out at the club no doubt; for a moment I felt a pang of jealousy. God I missed being able to drink and dance. Before I got too big I would go sometimes to be designated driver but that didn’t last long. It just wasn’t fun being sober around drunk people and once my belly started to swell the dance floor proved more dangerous than enticing.

“Hey, is everything okay?” Casey asked as she waved me in, “You look worried. Did something happen with Danny?”

“Sort of.” I sighed, “Let’s go sit down.”

He flopped on the couch and Casey folded her knees underneath her like a bird as I started.

“I think I need to tell Danny the truth.”

“I thought you said-”

“I know what I said, I was wrong.” I snapped before giving her an apologetic look. “Sorry I just, he’s so wonderful Casey and he doesn’t deserve to be lied to.”

“Any idea how you’re going to do it? Being hit with ‘my wife was a man a year ago’ and ‘magic is real’ all in one go is probably a lot.”

“I want you to be there.”

Casey blinked in confusion before leaping off the couch with a look of horror on her face.

“Ooooh no, no way-”

“You got me into this mess, girl.”

“Hey, I just gave you the boobs girl, you did the rest yourself.”

“Well that’s what you get for giving me such amazing tits!”

We both devolved into laughter; letting the nervous energy dissipate somewhat until we could finally think clearly.

“Alright, let’s do this then.” She sighed, “I’ll have a shower and we’ll go blow your husband's mind.”

“What right now?”

“No time like the present, babe. You’ve hesitated long enough.”

~

The minute I asked Danny to sit down I watched his face fall. He knew something was up and I could almost hear the gears in his mind whirring, trying to figure out what he’d done wrong. It was just like him to assume it was his mistake not mine. I watched his eyes dart between Casey and I, sitting together across the table from him and I saw fear flash across his eyes.

“I’m not cheating on you!” I blurt out like a complete moron.

Casey gives me the most bewildered look.

“Sorry I could see that’s what you were thinking.” I blushed, reaching across to squeeze Danny’s hand, “It’s not that.”

His shoulders relaxed for a moment before tensing right back up again.

“So what is it?” He asked seriously.

I bit down on my lip; like Casey said, no time like the present.

“About a year ago I was at the club.” I started, “I was jealous, watching all the girls get free drinks and I complained about it to one who happened to be standing nearby.”

“That was me.” Casey gave an awkward wave.

“All the girls?” Danny made a confused face, I held up a hand to ask him to be patient.

“Anyway, Casey here…well she’s a witch, I mean that literally; and…she used magic to turn me into a woman as well.”

I watched as Danny connected the dots and his eyebrows raised up into his hairline. Before he could question it Casey cut in, snapping her fingers and changing her nail polish from red to purple, carefully explaining how her magic works and how, in a drunken state, she had decided to help the sad sack she’d met at a bar one night.

I continued to explain, the words coming out faster and faster as my heart rate increased. I felt a lump in my throat as I explained how I realised I was stuck while I was pregnant but then decided to stay this way forever for good. As I went on Danny’s eyebrows slowly descended from shock to anger and I began to feel panicked.

“A-and even if I wanted to turn back-which I don’t, I’m pretty sure I’ve had enough orgasms to last three lifetimes.” I giggled nervously, Danny didn’t even smile. “Right, sorry, bad time to joke.”

Danny took in a deep breath and then let it out slowly, wrapping his knuckles against the hard wood of the table over and over again before locking his eyes with mine.

“Please just say something.” I whispered, the silence was killing me. I needed to know how he felt. Angry? Betrayed? Sad? Probably all of the above.

My mind raced through every possible reaction, trying to mentally prepare myself in the few seconds I had left but nothing could have prepared me for what Danny actually said.

“Do you love me?” His eyes were boring straight into my soul.

“Yes.” I responded without hesitation, “That’s why I married you.”

“...Is there anything else? Any other secrets I should know?”

“I knew you, back in college,” I winced as he shook his head in disbelief, groaning as I gave my name and he mentally connected the dots.

“Why?” He asked, looking totally bewildered, “If you knew me…why sleep with me that night?”

I swallowed; I knew he would hate my answer but I couldn’t lie. Not again.

“You bought me a drink.” I whispered, “I…I liked getting drunk and sleeping with men as a woman and I remembered what a playboy you were. I wanted to experience it. I never thought you could be so…”

“Good.” He sneered, “Actually nice?”

“No, just, I thought you’d see me as a one night stand and that would be it and for a night it was but then…well, you know the rest.”

For the first time, Danny looked at him with disgust, his nose curling up and I felt myself curl up in my seat as much as my belly would allow. Casey placed a hand on my shoulder gently.

“I think I should go.” She said softly, “I think this is a discussion that you two need to have by yourselves.”

“Thanks Casey, you’ve got that right at least.”

If the barb hurt her she didn't act like it, Casey just gave us both a nod and saw herself out. I wanted to run after her, I wanted to be anywhere but here right now. More than anything I wanted to turn back the clock to the other morning when everything was perfect. The sound of the door clicking closed sounded so loud in my ears I flinched.

“Why didn't you tell me?” Danny said, his voice thick with emotion, “Why didn't you say something in the months that have passed? Before our fucking wedding?”

“Would you have still married me?” I asked in a small voice.

“I don’t know!” He yelled, “You never gave me the chance!”

“I know my being a former man makes things weird-”

“Oh come off it, I don’t give a crap about that.”

“Y-you don’t?”

I looked up from my lap, meeting his eyes once more. He was glaring at me, arms crossed.

“No, Jess. I care that you lied to me.”

“Oh.”

I knew that would be part of his but honestly I had been preparing for his pride to be hurt. Or for Danny to feel weird having slept with a man, sort of.

“Look, I’m straight.” Danny shrugged, “You’re a woman, inside and out and have been since I met you, well, since I met you as Jess.”

His words hissed a little at the end there and I felt myself cringe.

“As far as I’m concerned, your sex or gender or whatever is female and you’re pregnant so it’s just a moot point in general. I care that our entire relationship has been a lie.”

“No it hasn’t!” I insisted, “I love you, you love…loved me, that was real. Everything was real, I just wasn't quite who I said I was. That’s all.”

“You say that as if it isn't a huge fucking betrayal.”

I didn’t know what else to say; the baby was kicking like mad, making my belly ache and my hormones were going wild. Tears spilled over my eyes as they started to burn and I frantically tried to sweep them away before giving in and breaking down into tears, stammering out apology after apology until Danny came and patted me on the back.

It wasn't an intimate gesture, not the sort he would normally use. Before this revelation Danny would have hugged me, let me rest my head on the crook of his shoulder and rest my chin above his heart. If anything it made me feel worse but I managed to get my tears under control.

“Look.” Danny sighed, “I need some time. I think…you should go stay with Casey for a few days.”

It felt like a kick to the gut; but how could I argue? If anything this was merciful. He was well within his rights to do far worse. I didn’t have the bravery to ask what he was thinking about us as a couple; had I just inadvertently robbed my baby of their father?

“I need to go for a walk or something, blow off some steam.” Danny added, grabbing his jacket, I just nodded.

“I’ll be gone by the time you get back.”

~

There are very few things sadder than sitting at a bar at two in the afternoon in the middle of the week. The fact that I was drinking a garishly bright mocktail and desperately wishing to add a shot of vodka certainly didn’t help things. I glanced around the room, aside from Casey the only other people in the little dive were a man in a dishevelled suit cursing ‘the market’ and a homeless guy in the corner nursing what appeared to be his third beer. The sort of crowd Jason would have fit right into.

The bartender walked by and gave me a sympathetic smile, adding a little paper umbrella to the slice of strawberry balanced on my glass. I didn’t think this was the sort of place to do mocktails, something in me suspected Casey bribed them herself in an effort to cheer me up.

It wasn't working. I rubbed my belly with a sigh, the baby was kicking so much the skin ached; perhaps they were missing their daddy.

“I know.” I whispered to them, “I miss him too.”

It had been three days since I left and went to stay with Casey. Danny hadn't text, or called, not even emailed. When I had packed I deliberately left behind a few outfits in the vain hope that maybe, just maybe he might bring them over to Casey’s for me and I could catch a glimpse of him. No such luck.

I just wanted to see how he was coping, that’s all. Was he as miserable as me? I ran my finger over my wedding band and sighed for the fourth time, evidently Casey was getting sick of hearing the sound because she elbowed me lightly with a small smile.

“Come on.” She tried, “You can still have a few little happy moments, I always say it’s impossible to be sad with a strawberry mai tai in hand.”

“Well, I don't have one so I can't tell you.” I sighed, “This isn’t a mai tai.”

“Oh but it’s close enough.” She nudged, “All it’s missing is-”

“The fun bit.”

“Well…”

I didn't hear the rest of her sentence, the baby kicked hard against the base of my spine hard enough for me to wince.

“Hey, come on kid, a temper tantrum won’t help either of us.”

Casey looked at me with concern.

“Are you sure you’re okay? You’re looking a little…peaky.”

“Peaky? What are you my grandma? I’m f-OUCH!”

That was more than a kick. It felt as though my whole belly was tightening painfully before finally releasing. There was an odd pressure between my legs and I felt my face twist in horror. I climbed off my stool as quickly as I could rushing for the bathroom, I had to get there before-

SPLASH!

My face burned crimson in humiliation; had I seriously just wet myself in the middle of a bar? As if things couldn't get any more awful!

“Oh my god!”

I winced as the bartender joined Casey in her horror; I wanted to curl up into a hole and die right there.

“I’m s-sorry I don’t know what happened.” I struggled out as yet another wave of pain shook my belly.

“I’ll call the ambulance.” Casey reached for her phone, fumbling and dropping it to the floor only an inch away from the puddle of…hang on, that wasn’t pee…

A new kind of horror dawned on me as yet another painful contraction took hold. It was unlike anything I had ever felt. Once, when I was young, I had a kidney stone and I remember laying in the hospital bed, wincing and crying as the nurse told me the pain was considered comparable to labour. I’d take the kidney stones right now, if only because a kidney stone was a hell of a lot easier to pass.

“They’re not due for another week!” I cried to Casey in a panic, “I don’t even have a hospital bag yet!”

“Screw that,” She shook her head as she hung up the phone, “I’ve called an ambulance, they’ll be here soon.”

“Aren’t you supposed to-AAAGH….stay on the phone with them?” I asked.

Casey blinked a few times and blushed.

“Oh. Yeah, they did say that. Whoops.”

“Whoops?!”

“I’m panicking here!”

“I’m sorry, you’re panicking?!”

I couldn’t do this, not now. Not without Danny. All those midwife meetings about birth plans and preparedness flew from my brain. How was anybody supposed to concentrate when their belly kept trying to twist itself inside out? At some point a man in a paramedic’s outfit walked in and started helping me to his ambulance. Each time we had to stop for another contraction he spoke in a calm, authoritative voice that any other day would probably have been soothing. Right now it made me want to punch him in his condescending face. I wanted Danny, not this stranger; but I wasn't exactly in the position to turn him down.

As he helped me to lay down and started closing the doors I reached out and took Casey’s hand.

“I need Danny.” I cried, not even caring about the tears, “He’s not going to show up is he?”

“I’ll call him.” Casey promised, “You just focus on not having a baby in the back of an ambulance okay?”

Screw the paramedic, I wanted to punch her. I didn't have much choice in the matter right now. My frustration must have shown on my face because Casey moved to the other side of the ambulance as we started to drive. I took deep breaths, trying to copy what the midwife had told me and trying very hard not to think about how badly I missed my husband.

I wasn't sure how long the trip took; it felt like an age had passed and yet no time at all as they wheeled me up to the maternity ward. Nurses patted my taut stomach and hooked me up to a million monitors as they checked everything from blood pressure to contraction gaps.

“Won’t be long now sweetheart, do you want an epidural?”

“Who the FUCK says not to that?!”

I knew I was being rude but evidently the nurses were used to that and didn't even flinch as they organised the pain relief, why any woman would want to do this without it I had no idea. Casey did everything she could, fetching my ice chips and stroking my hair but we both knew it wasn't what I wanted.

“Did Danny answer?” I asked quietly as the painkillers kicked in.

“He uh…didn’t answer. I went straight to voice mail.”

“Oh.”

I swallowed the lump in my throat. I could not believe how badly I had managed to mess everything up. Maybe I should have waited until after the baby was born. No, that was selfish and I knew it. I’d made the right decision, so why did everything feel so wrong?

There was a sudden commotion in the hallway and I felt my heart pause as I held my breath. Please, please let it be Danny. The door burst open and I almost burst into tears right then and there.

Danny was in the doorway, his face frantic, his hair a complete mess as though he’d run his fingers through it a thousand times. Our eyes met and I opened my mouth to say something but all that came out was a wail as another contraction hit.

Danny was at my side in a moment, Casey fading into the background, she might have left the room or she could be standing a few feet away. I didn’t notice or care, all I could focus on was Danny’s hand in mind and how right it felt. He pressed a kiss to my forehead and held my chin.

“I’m right here. Not going anywhere.”

I knew he meant that in every possible way, not just for now but forever. There was still a level of hurt in his face, I knew we still had things to work through but I also knew everything was going to be okay now. Even if it took some time to get there.

“I love you.” I whispered.

“I love you too. No, let's get ready to meet our kid.”

~

When I was a teenager I decided to run a marathon to impress a girl. It was an utter failure of course, by the time I’d crossed the finish line I was so exhausted I could barely see straight, let alone flirt and yet, now, after giving birth I was somehow even more tired. I laid back in the hospital bed, staring over at the little bed that had been placed next to mine. Wrapped up in a little pink blanket was my daughter. My daughter. It was so strange, looking at that scrunched up little red face and realising that it wasn't just a baby, it was my baby. Our baby really. Danny stood over her, his eyes filled with love and pride as he stroked a single finger down her little cheek.

“She’s amazing.” He breathed.

“You're amazing.” I replied with a tired smile.

“Pretty sure that’s my line.” He chuckled, turning to look at me as my smile fell.

“Not after what I did.” I said quietly, eyes ducking to the floor.

There was a beat of silence before the mattress of the hospital bed dipped and I looked up to see Danny sitting there.

“I don’t…I’m not forgiving you for lying to me.”

The words were like a knife to the heart, but I kept my emotions in check; biting down on the inside of my cheek.

“But that doesn’t mean I want to give up on us.”

I gave him a perplexed look.

“What I mean is, I think I can move past it. I do wish you had told me earlier and I can't promise things would have worked out this way if you had but I love you, I love our daughter and I want us to be a family together.”

The stab of pain turned to a gentle ache; it was hardly a perfect scenario but it was more than I felt I deserved. I leaned forward as much as I was able and rested my fingers atop Danny’s on the bed and smiled.

“I promise, “I said seriously while looking him right in the eye, “I will never lie to you again Danny.”

He smiled.

“I believe you.”

Tiny grunts made us both turn and watch as our daughter began to snuffle and wake. Her tiny eyes still squeezed closed against the too bright outside world.

“We still have to think of a name.” Danny mused, “Nine months of thinking got us nowhere.”

“How about…Joy.” I whispered after a moment, “That’s what I want for her, to be happy.”

Danny reached into the little crib just as the baby wriggled her arm free, her tiny hands grasping at her father’s thumb with surprising strength.

“Joy it is.”

~

Epilogue - 4 Months Later

I sighed, happy and content as I floated into wakefulness as the morning sun warmed my sheets. Even four months after giving birth I still treasured being able to sleep on my stomach again; even more so when I was using Danny as a pillow. His heartbeat was slow and constant, almost lulling me back to sleep with the gentle rise and fall of his chest. Slowly but surely though, that heartbeat began to increase as he too woke. I felt a kiss pressed to the top of my head and I hummed, stretching out my long legs and tangling them around his muscular ones. Pulling my body closer into his side so that my now, once again, flat stomach rested flush against him.

My breasts pressed into his chest and I slowly raised myself up so that my hair fell in a curtain around his face.

“Morning.” I whispered, pressing a kiss to his lips. “Sleep well?”

“Like a log.”

“That must be nice, Joy had me up twice.” I scoffed and Danny rubbed the sleep from his eyes.

“Oh, then I guess you’re too busy to do anything about this?” He teased, pressing his hips into mine so that I could feel his erection pressing against my hip bone.

“Horn dog.”

“I woke up with a beautiful lady laying on top of me, I only have so much self control.”

I laughed airily, lowering myself back down to kiss him properly, letting our tongues mingle and for some reason, I had a flashback to that first night we slept together. How wild and out of control I felt; god it had been so good.

The kissing and the memory mingled, making warmth bloom between my legs. I was so glad I no longer had to fight it; giving in was so much more fun. I felt Danny’s arms snake up my back, holding me close enough that he could roll us over and press me down into the mattress. I loved it; the feeling of being pinned beneath all those muscles, the feeling of domination; it made my head swim with desire. I had missed this so much.

Danny’s arms wrapped around me tighter, as the kisses became deeper, teeth scraped against my lips and I moaned, clinging to him tightly as his length pressed against my hole, waiting. I lifted my hips at the same time as him, angling ourselves perfectly so he could start to slide inside. My inner walls stretched pleasantly and I shuddered as he slowly thrust down into me. I growled as he chuckled against my lips; he was moving too slowly, teasing me in the way that he knew drove me wild.

In response I wrapped my legs around his hips and pulled him to me, causing us both to gasp at the sudden rush of sensations. With a shudder, Danny began to move, plunging in and out of me with rapid speed and force; it was glorious. I could feel my G-spot being hit every two or three thrusts, keeping me on the edge. The pleasure rose and fell in an endless tease that left me almost lightheaded. As all the air rushed from my lungs with barely enough time to refill them before yet another thrust left me breathless. The pressure began to build, my insides coiling as he continued; resting out foreheads together as we both groaned.

“You…first.” He moaned.

“No, you.” I grit my teeth, squeezing him tightly inside my velvet folds.

He grinned at the challenge, adjusting his hips so that he was brushing against my G-spot constantly. I tried to hold back, I wanted him to cum first so I could watch the beautiful way his expression changed. I loved that look; there was something so primal and raw about it that always sent me tumbling over the edge right afterwards.

It wasn't to be today though. I couldn't hold back, my pussy was already pulsing, that pleasure building to a crescendo before crashing down and making my whole body shiver  and my eyes roll back into my skull. My vision blacked out, leaving me with nothing put the ecstasy of Danny fucking me through the orgasm before a deep groan met my ears and I felt his cock pulse inside me. With a shudder he collapsed atop me and I pressed my lips to his temple as we both tried to catch our breath.

In the past we stayed this way for a while, sometimes almost ten minutes, just enjoying the afterglow and one another’s bodies. Those days were gone now though as a cry from down the hall pierced the quiet.

“Joy’s awake.” Danny mumbled in my ear.

“So I can hear.”

We both chuckled and pulled apart and I stretched before getting to my feet and throwing on a robe.

“I’ll organise breakfast.” Danny offered and I nodded heading down the hall to our daughter's room.

“Shhhh now, momma’s here.” I cooed, picking up the fussy child and cradling her.

She stared at me with that odd, toothless smile that I so loved and I hummed to her as we made our way down into the kitchen where the smell of bacon and eggs was already beginning to fill the air.

I sat myself down in the soft chair Danny had moved to the corner just for feeding and let the corner of my robe drop down as I placed Joy to my breast and she began to feed.

“Park today?” Danny suggested as he began whisking.

“Sounds wonderful.”

He walked over and quickly placed a peck at my cheek before turning back to the stove and I was suddenly hit with the realisation of how surreal this all was. I was sitting in the kitchen, breastfeeding while my husband cooked me breakfast. It was so intensely different from the life I had imagined back when I was Jason; and I couldn't be happier for it.

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