Something I need to tell. (Patreon)

Hello all,

I hope you've been well lately.

I have not. 

You've probably seen I've been lacking in showing new things, or even writing journals or updates as I used to do. Heck, you've probably seen me hint at it multiple times, often when I am late in showing something I've been struggling with something personal for quite a while. 

I can track it back to a few years, but it was most pronounced during the last few months. I... for the reason below, somewhat unwisely decided not to tell you, or anyone else publicly for that matter.

Sometime around the end of March, I thought that I should take a day or two off, after three weeks of very frequent work. However, as the days off dragged on to mid-April, I began to think negatively. There were many days I just slept at home the whole time. And not comfortably either. It was like I didn't want tomorrow to come. 

And for this reason: My sense of self-worth has been shockingly low.

It's... a lot of little things, lots of little reasons I feel worthless, and undeserving of anything good. Whether it's your good-will, or luxuries or the small comforts of life, I felt I didn't deserve them at all.

I saw myself as worthless because I failed to provide. To you, and to family, and to friends, and so on. "Provide" can mean a lot of things. A new drawing, an announcement, responding to a message, or just showing up at all in your case, for instance. But there's other things to provide. Warmth, company, levity, things that you deserve as much as anyone.

My deeply negative thought process goes further; if I fail to provide anything, anything at all, it would give people here fair reason to leave.

"Why support someone who doesn't provide? Who cares why they do not give me the entertainment I paid for? MFS The Useless Artist!"

(Yes, even though for very different reasons, one can choose to reduce or leave their pledge. I do not want to judge at all.) I didn't want to face or talk to anyone. I didn't want to see the people I perceived to have failed to provide for.

It's awful, isn't it? Irrational thought is like a voice, saying all sorts of bad things into my own mind, draining away any joy, clarity or serenity. The worst part is, this is my own voice. I am ultimately responsible for this; bullying myself into depression. It's not the first time either.

It is also for this reason, that... well, as much as I greatly appreciate your support, and still do after all this time (like, for three years, I think? Wow!), it's often drowned out by the mental noise of my own making (see two paragraphs earlier), and it's been so loud, whether it's due to outside events (of which there are many, that can easily bring your mood down), or my lack of self-care, this has only gotten worse.

(Goodness, I don't think I'll be a good... Eurgh, "Content Creator" now that I think about it)

The good news is I know what to do, a while back, a counselor I visited regularly had a particularly... unique way of showing me how to deal with my own negative thoughts. I just need to put that in action far more often.

Now, onto the things you probably care more about (ok, I should stop talking like that), I'll try to get some new things in later this week, or today, depending on how this self-care thing goes. Thank you for listening, and I greatly appreciate your support and understanding.

Until next time, take good care of yourselves.

~MFS