Diaper Update 3/2021 (Patreon)

You know what I think the true moral of the story is this month?

Don’t write updates in a messy diaper.

Honestly, my last post has been weighing in my mind ever since I posted it. When I wrote it, unfortunately, you guys caught me on one of my days where diapers just weren’t gelling with my everyday life. The problem was also exacerbated by the fact I was sitting in a messy diaper the entire time I wrote it. I don’t know what it is about me whenever I’m messy, I do find myself more emotional whenever I’m in one. Like, I’m more antsy, my mood feels a little depleted. I completely understand why I (and likely all of us) got upset whenever I was in one as a kid. I just want to be in a dry diaper again. It 100% effected my mood when I was writing that last week, so I’m sorry!

I’m completely okay with the act of messing at this point. Quite frankly, I have started to notice some of my bowl control is starting to slip away. And I wouldn’t say that it’s so much physical control, but I’m 100% starting to notice some of my “mental” control is slipping away.

When I’m working or just absent mindedly going through life, it’s becoming harder to gauge how much I’ve messed myself. I’ve become so used to the act of just letting go, that it’s become incredibly automatic. To the point where my mind doesn’t actively alert me to the fact that I’m messing myself. I know that I’m messing myself, I’m consciously letting it go, and I could stop it if I needed to, but 9/10 I’m barely paying attention to it. I’ve used this analogy before in my writing, but it really is like your body alerting you to the fact you’re inhaling or exhaling. You might consciously notice it a couple times a day, but for the most part, it’s an automatic process that you don’t really pay attention to.

Because of that, I’ve been not only messing myself a lot more, but I’m finding myself way messier than I expect to be. Especially these past couple weeks, I’ll check to see how messy I am, and it’s always a little bit more than I was expecting. If I even bother to, I’ll retrace my mental footsteps to try and remember how many times I’ve gone in that diaper. Typically, I can remember each time, but sometimes it’s hard to recall every single time I messed to the point where I can account for everything that it’s in my diaper.

It’s such a unique and lovely feeling when this happens. I’m standing there, messier than I expected, trying to figure out how I got there. It’s exactly what I was hoping for with my bowl untraining.  Not to the point where I’m messing myself helplessly; but if I’m not paying attention in the safety of my own home, I’m very likely to have a messy accident, with or without a diaper on.

I’m not sure how much more I’ll keep pushing my bowl control loss. Like I said I’m basically at my target “goal” of incontinence right now. If I’m at home, and I’m trying to hold it, I’m only a few minutes away before I both can’t, and don’t want, to hold it anymore. If I’m out in public, the social pressure of not wanting to smell helps me keep it together. That’s not to say I haven’t messed myself in public! But if I do, it’s typically at the end, and I know I’ll be home soon to change. For example, when I’m rounding the corner of my grocery shopping into the cashier and I feel the urge, I won’t really think about it and just let go right there. Or if I’m in my car driving to my house, then I’ll let go too. I always pack spare diapers for me when I’m out in the first place (mostly for wetting, which we’ll get to in a second), just in case I mess too much. But like I said, for the most part, I’m exactly where I want to be for messing myself.

My plan for it this month is to try and be at least moderately cognizant of when I’m messing myself. I’m not going to keep myself completely lose 24/7, and I’ll actually try to hold it sometimes. We’ll see how it actually pans out. Being in diapers all the time has a natural pull to not try so hard with your bodily functions. Being totally frank, I’m a little nervous my bowl control will continue to slip, it’s the nature of wearing all the time. But I’m overall confident I’ll be fine. I can be a big kid in my pants (for messing) when I need to be! XD

Wetting

Or perhaps a better term

A straight pipe from my mouth into my diaper.

I am completely urinary incontinent at this point! I sort of had this “test” to see how easily I can wet myself, and if I had to grade myself, I’d be a A+ student hahah. I took three glasses of water and chugged them about a week ago. In my mind I said to myself “Okay, I am going to try and hold all of this water in my bladder.” I knew that I was going to leak at least a little bit without knowing.

I just didn’t know I was going to pee the ENTIRE three glasses of water into my diaper without know.

It’s just such a perfect feeling. I have zero feeling anymore in between my legs. My diaper just always feels like a constant warm squishy mass. Every time I check myself to see how much I’ve gone, I’m a little bit thicker, and it’s always warm. I’m never a few moments away from freshly wetting myself.

I thought it’d be a bigger problem at this point. But nope. Especially in COVID times, I literally have not thought about going to the toilet in…. christ… typing this… I honestly can’t remember. Probably in January, but I couldn’t tell you the exact date. I don’t use my toilet anymore. Only my friends do. The only time I’m in the bathroom is to shower.

But yeah it’s not a problem. I just keep tabs on how full I am (I have mental timers, I’ve talked about it before), and change as I need to. It’s not nearly as big of a deal as people who are potty trained make it out to be. I was so worried when I first started, “What happens if I leak here. Or someone sees me, or this happens… blah blah blah.” You make up all these fake scenarios in your mind that might happen once every couple years. But here’s the brass tax guys, and this isn’t a medical PSA saying you should be 24/7, but it’s 2021. We’ve figured out how people can live incontinent lives just the same as people who have control. It’s called diapers, and they work pretty damn well at keeping everything inside your pants. If you’re wearing thick enough diapers, and you use basic mental monitoring, you’re never going to have a problem! Seriously.

I don’t think I’m going back.

This has been the big question for me lately. A question that I can already see the answer for in my mind before I start debating it. I don’t think I’m going to go back into regular underwear anytime soon. I love myself so much more when I’m in a diaper. Letting my AB/DL side blend into my everyday life, and become my ‘regular’ life, has been one of the best decisions I ever made. I was forced to potty train myself when I was a kid. But if I had the choice back then, I probably wouldn’t have. Now that I’m an adult, and that part of me has lived on, I know this is the right choice for me. No one I care about has judged me for it. Everyone knows at this point, and they don’t treat me differently. If anything, it’s amazing that we can all make fun of it from time to time.

We’re all kids who didn’t want to grow up at heart. I always thought this was just sexual for me, but I’ve found that’s simply not true. I’ve wanted to be back in diapers the moment I was taken out of them. I feel like a piece of myself that’s always been pushed down is finally at the surface, and I feel more complete with it.

Live your best AB/DL life, everyone. The people online telling you to are right. This is YOU. You can’t change it about yourself, so why fight it? The only person who’s hurting from this is yourself. It’s not easy by any means, for me there’s always been a mountain of guilt I still struggle with to this day, but I know in my heart that guilt and negative emotions about diapers are wrong. Someone put that in my head a long time ago, and they were wrong. I can wear diapers. I don’t have to be potty trained to function in this world.

And you don’t either.

Thank you as always for reading. I just want to say, I know last month was a little slower than usual for myself, and I’m really sorry about that. February was super stressful for Maggie, but for good reason! I was waiting to hear back from some jobs, and I’m happy to say, I’ve been offered an amazing job opportunity in my field. I’m actually moving across the country in a couple months for it! I’ve worked so hard to get here, literally 6 years. And the good news, is that I’ll 100% be able to keep this patreon going with same amount of content while I do it.

Here’s to… I don’t even know how many months of unpotty training at this point… 1 year and 3 months? I don’t care at this point. It’s going to be way longer than that if I even decide to go back.

Thank you so much everyone. You’re the best AB/DLers out there.

I’ll see you all next month 😊

MC