Ups and Downs (Patreon)

Something to celebrate.

Because of all my failures, I have always felt excluded and invalid compared to all my friends from 2006-2009 who managed to publish books and to reach the status of author. (Same with the other authors with whom I have become friends over the years). I know that comparing yourself is a bad thing, but when you are not included in events or publications while your friends are it is hard not to notice the difference. There is also the family members who always ask you what you have published... 

My Patreon has just passed the bar of $ 300 a month, it is not much compared to the Patreons who have a real success but I think it is something significant that deserves to be underlined.

It is superficial but my Patreon is nearly the only concrete mark of the validity of my artist status. When I'm very discouraged and feel like a living failure, it's often my Patreon who makes me realize that even though I'm not a professional artist or a published author, I am still creating things that people value and it's worthwhile to continue drawing.

Now I would like to do something to underline this achievement. Sadly my finances are too low to send a hundred packages, but I am maybe thinking of doing a doodles marathon and to stream it. I will think about it a bit more... :)

... 

A other "up":

Earlier this month I have finally encountered the library's administrators while being myself in "femme mode". I was super nervous as some of you have seen in my video story, but again I was underselling myself and the meeting went super well. The administrators were proud that I choose their library to do my transition and there were super supportive. We worked on a plan for my transition at work and it will happen the 11th of May. That the meeting was super positive lowered my fears but I will still be super nervous the 11th. Being out and in femme mode at work is probably one of my greatest fears (beside coming out to my mother). I can't believe that I will be doing this. :) 

Hopefully, if things go well at work I will be able to work 2 or 3 days a week instead of only 1. This will help me a lot to be able to breather a bit more and to work on my projects. But I will start slowly and still only work 1 day a week for a few week to give myself the chance to acclimate to digest my emotions and to see how I handle things.

...

Some downs: 

My electrolysis fund from my Go Fund Me is over, I paid myself for the last two sessions I did but I won't be able to maintain this as it cost me 130$ a week. Today I am canceling all of my remaining appointments.  Electrolysis helped me a lot and even if I am only half done after spending 2760$, the results make shaving less of a ordeal and give me more confidence to consider transitionning at work. But shit electrolysis is so slow and discouraging... I will probably have to invest a other 2000$ or 3000$ on my face, this is far beyond the 2000-3000$ I thought it was. I will probably wait after my bottom operation do continue the process as I was told that because you have to stop HRT for 2 weeks for the operation and that facial hairs grow back a bit. This will be a other big challenge... But I need to take one step at a time or will be crushed by the weight of all the challenges I still have to face. 

Things are still hard with my mom, not overtly aggressive but very passive agressive and having to be in boymode around her mess me up afterward Especially the fact that she is too scared or disgusted to accept to see me in femme mode. I have a hard time not internalizing that I am a disgusting person. :( 

What next?

My next big transition steps will be my upcoming meeting with a orthophonist to work on my voice (April 24th), presenting myself at work the 11th of May and making my legal name and mention of gender change. I fear a lot the reaction of my mom about my legal name change and this cut my momentum on this step. 

On the art side of things, I still have 9 commissions to finish. I slowly progress on all of them but I am getting more and more frustrated because I am unable to work on my zines, I badly want to finish something. But I am happy by how often I post illustrations on my Patreon. 

Ev