May update (Patreon)

It feel like I am taking one step forward to take two steps backward. 

Two major setbacks from April: 

1) I will not be able to finish my graphic novel or even my storyboard for the the 6th of June. I don't want to keep failing and going nowhere so I told my editor that I am canceling my graphic novel project. 

2) I passed too much time alone and now I am again afraid of going outside. I have a very hard time putting up my makeup, my wig and everything and being a paragon of self-confidence and going to work at the comic book workshop. I was so proud in March of myself for going 2 or 3 times a week to the workshop. But now, because I failed at being a comic book author, I have a really hard time gathering scraps of self-confidence. 

But still, I am stable and I am able to work on small things at my apartment. 

Right now what I am working on:

1) Trying to fight of my anxiety to work on my commissioned work. I still have 6 pages of drawings to finish. 

2) A deck of 50+ cards made with my lilim illustrations. 

3) A deck of cards made with my illustrations of the Frog Milk Swamp.

4) The Doodle Temple upgrade. 

5) Doing exploration drawings to find a smaller comic book projets to do. 

6) Illustrations for the Garden of Ynn.

7) Waiting for the second proof decks for The Wizard's Inheritance and The Tiny Guild. (Drivethru cards is a pain compared to LULU)

...

Oh, a other thing that will impact my life: there is a good chance that this summer I will receive no working hours at the library. The thing is that even if I have 5 years of experience but since I am not working at my original library, new employees pass over me and the library recently hired a lot of new people instead of giving hours to the employee that come from other library. So there is a good chance that there will be no working hours for me.  

Working at the library saved my life 5 years ago but now I am really tired of working there. 

...

My transition is also going nowhere because of lack of revenues and support.  

Lately I told myself that I am focusing too much on my limits but honestly without IRL support and financial ressources it is really hard to be a bold and positive self-confident amazing trans person. 

...

My hopes for May? To at least finish 3 things in my above "to do list". :)

I would say to start seeing people more often but I have such a hard time being self-confident, I really don't know if I will be able to find the courage to see people.