Short Story: Johnny Sins for President (Patreon)

We're taking a week off from doing a normal episode, so here's a short story instead. Charles wrote this one like a year ago, we have a few of these still sitting around that we'll probably put out eventually.

Johnny Sins for President

John Q. Hammer worked at the plastic bag factory in Terre Haute, Indiana. His father was a plasticbagmaker and his father before him. It was hard work to turn all that oil into bags, but someone had to do it. John Q. Hammer liked making each bag by hand. He had the sense that he had accomplished something at the end of each day. He liked too the story of Thaddeus Bag, the man who invented the plastic bag and had opened this very Terre Haute factory at the height of the industrial revolution. Bag’s story was the American story. Most people look at oil and just see a crude disgusting slop. Bag looked at oil and saw a bag. Nobody quite knows where he got the idea, but the market proved it was a good one. Bag’s brand of entrepreneurial genius was exactly what John Q. Hammer loved about America.

John’s grandfather suffocated to death at the factory. A bag got stuck on his head and he died. Bagmakers Local 420 fought for more safety regulations after the incident. Their strike was met with violent retribution from Thaddeus Bag and the local police. They won the regulations, though, and they remained in place until 2010, when Governor Thaddeus Bag III swept into office and crushed the union. Now the workers worked more hours for less money. All of them voted for Bag III. He was a tough son of a bitch and he had an 87 percent approval rating.

Recently John Q. Hammer was not feeling so good. He was lightheaded and sluggish. He could swear he felt a piece of cancer on his lungs. It might have been from the asbestos factory next door. It was releasing a lot of extra asbestos fumes lately.

The plastic bag factory was located at 1 N. Main St. The asbestos factory was at 2 N. Main St. The elementary school was right across the street, and the rest of the street was packed with all the most popular attractions in Terre Haute: the malt shops, the Yankee Candle flagship store, the Grinch cage. It was awful sad that people weren’t feeling so well lately.

Every once and again, a politician from the coasts or some far-flung place would sweep through Terre Haute to stage a speech about growth and innovation. Jimmy Carter took the day’s first plastic bag off the conveyor belt and put his peanuts in it. Ronald Reagan made a big show of enjoying Terre Haute’s famous asbestos flavored Jelly Beans. John Q. Hammer liked those days. Now he wasn’t so sure. Today’s politicians had a different idea about growth and innovation than he did. It sounded an awful lot like they wanted to put him out of the job. The fact was, though, that people need asbestos, and they need plastic bags. He thought that it would be better for people to get their asbestos and plastic bags right here from Terre Haute, Indiana rather than, say, one of those foreign places like, you know, Terre Haute, China. The thought of it made him sad. It seemed to be a rebuke to guys like Thaddeus Bag who had made it all happen. Who had made America happen, that is.

John Q. Hammer was not a political person but the state of the world had got him thinking an awful lot about politics lately. His health wasn’t so good. His town was a little shabbier every day. He’d had a wife for 20 years but one day she up and left. He didn’t think there was anything a politician could do about that part, but it still hurt.

Most politicians seemed out of touch to John Q. Hammer, but there was one politician who started to interest him. His name was Johnny Sins and he was running for president.

John Q. Hammer first learned about Johnny Sins in the video XXX Hardcore Big Tits PAWG Fuckfest Creampie Compilation 2018 1080p HD. At the time, he didn’t think much of it. He doesn’t quite recall his reaction to Johnny Sins in the video at the time, but, he figures, it was probably nothing more than “look at the hog on that guy,” or something like that. He recalls seeing Johnny Sins in a few other videos after that, perhaps Busty College Co-Eds Wet Pussy Squirt-a-thon or Horny Lesbian Whores Fuck Teacher’s Big Cock After Class 4K HD.

It wasn’t until Johnny Sins declared his candidacy that John Q. Hammer really took notice though. The announcement was a PornHub exclusive. John Q. Hammer had clicked it on accident, but he was glad that he did. The video began with Johnny scrooging down on some tang, as was his way. But this video took an unexpected turn. The camera zoomed out to reveal that Johnny and his partner had been fucking on an oversize copy of the U.S. constitution. When it looked like Johnny was maybe ready to bust a 22-foot roper all over that hallowed parchment, he unexpectedly stopped stroking and spoke directly into the camera.

“Politicians have been splooging all over our constitution for a long time now,” he said. “But not me. This is the greatest document in the world. When you fuck for money, it’s important to use some form of protection. It seems to me the constitution could use a little protection too. That’s why, America, I’m running for president. Let me be real with you. I’ve fucked an awful lot of women on camera. Now it’s time for me to go to Washington and Fuck the Politicians.”

John Q. Hammer liked the sound of that. Johnny Sins promised to hit the back walls of the Oval Office for the American people. John Q. Hammer wasn’t entirely sure he knew what that meant, but it sounded like a good thing.

The campaign was at the back of John Q. Hammer’s mind always, even if he didn’t get involved right away. His day-to-day was pretty much unchanged after the announcement video. He went to work and made bags. He went home and watched sitcoms on CBS. He felt little pangs in his lungs but they always went away eventually.

One evening, Johnny Sins made a guest appearance on Young Sheldon. The show’s precocious star was feeling bad about something that happened at school. He was smart, but he wasn’t very cool. He was younger than the other kids and less experienced. There was an incident in the hallway. A jock bully said to Sheldon, “You little bitch, do you even smash?” then took a huge hit of his dragonberry-mango vape and hoverboarded away to get an HJ from a cheerleader.

Sheldon was distressed because he knew that he didn’t smash. He didn’t necessarily have a problem with that, but he didn’t want to be made fun of for it either. That was when Johnny Sins showed up. He heard about Sheldon from watching the child prodigy’s science YouTube videos. Science was important, Sins said. He was learning about science even though his YouTube channel—to say nothing of his PornHub channel—had way, way more followers than Sheldon’s. This signalled to John Q. Hammer than Sins was a man of the people.

In any case, the episode had a good ending. Johnny Sins taught Sheldon how to smash. He set up Sheldon on a prom date with Kendra Lust. All the other kids were jealous, especially the rude vaping bully. We don’t find out for sure whether Sheldon smashes that night, but we’re led to believe that he does. The episode ended with a PSA from Johnny Sins. He’s running for president, he said. He said that he cared about science and he cared about the youth too. But the politicians in Washington didn’t have a very good track record on science, and they didn’t make it easy on kids either.

John Q. Hammer thought it was a great performance and that maybe Johnny Sins was the real deal. It seemed like a lot of other people weren’t taking Johnny seriously, though. When John Q. Hammer first mentioned Johnny Sins to the guys at work, a lot of them pretended like they didn’t know who he was. One guy commented on his big honking donger and prodigious ropers, but that was it.

A change started to happen when Johnny Sins delivered the PornHub Keynote Address during halftime of the NFL’s Big Game. He spoke with his wife Kissa at his side. You could see her naked on the internet too. The guys at work really got a kick out of that, and they gradually began following the campaign.

It started to seem like Johnny Sins was everywhere. He cut the ribbon at the new Johnny Sins Trade School for Aspiring Pornstars. He posed with French Stewart on the red carpet at the Source Awards. He was the master of ceremonies at the Bud Billiken Parade. He started the August Ames Foundation for Suicide Prevention.

Sins was still polling under one percent heading into the first presidential debate, but then he got his first endorsement. It was from Brazzers. John Q. Hammer couldn't recall Brazzers ever having endorsed a candidate before. It seemed like a big deal.

Johnny Sins took that momentum into the presidential debate and didn’t look back. He shared the stage with a dozen stuffed suits, most of whom John Q. Hammer wasn’t familiar with. It was the same old B.S. with these candidates. All they did was lie and dodge the questions. They wore their American flag pins on their lapels but it seemed like they were only doing it out of a sense of obligation. John Q. Hammer got the feeling that they didn’t truly love America like he did.

The way the politicians avoided straight answers made it seem like they had something to hide. Johnny Sins put it all out there. Any man willing to expose his dinger to the world like he does must not have anything to hide, John Q. Hammer thought. He respected that. He could never imagine himself being like the politicians, but he could sort of imagine being Johnny Sins. He often imagined that while watching his videos, in fact. Even though Sins was one of these L.A. guys, there was something different about him. He wasn’t fake or showy, except for maybe showing off his splendid meatlog.

During the debate, Johnny Sins told a story about how he worked six days a week in construction before he became a pornstar. As a tradesman himself, John Q. Hammer really respected that. And it was nice to know that Sins lived in Las Vegas, not Los Angeles. His morals wouldn’t be compromised by coastal elitism there.

The debate changed John Q. Hammer. He became a man with a purpose. With a political identity. He was a Sins Guy. Even though his candidate was now polling at only three percent, he knew this was a cause worth fighting for. All around him things were breaking down. He was getting sicker. The Yankee Candle flagship store only introduced three commemorative 4th of July scents, down from seven last year. Even the Grinch was looking a little haggard in his cage.

If the politicians had their way, it would all continue on like this. In fact it would get worse. John Q. Hammer began to feel that the health of his town—and the fate of the country—depended on him. Now was the time to put his chips on the table. The next day he would quit his job at the plastic bag factory and withdraw his meager life savings to open a Terre Haute field office for the Johnny Sins campaign. It would be a ratty operation at first, sure, but an honest one. This is what democracy demands of citizens—action taken by the people and for the people.

John Q. Hammer had loved his job at the plastic bag factory, but he saw it this way: if the politicians were right, he was going to be out of the job soon anyway. If he was right, Johnny Sins was going to be president and fix things. This was his wager. He would bet on America.