Superman vs Mr.Myx into the Pornyverse - Part 1 (Patreon)

It was a tough fight, but he relished the challenge. A vast majority of the fights he had ever taken part in were brutal punch up, knock down brawls. Contests of brute strength versus brute strength that he could have slept walked his way through, but this? This was different. This took planning, patience, and determination. It took wit and more than a little luck and even then success was not assured, but that’s what made it so wildly invigorating for him. To not know the outcome beforehand was an experience to be sought out and relished. It was one of the two reasons he did what he did.

The other reason however, was much more important to him. It was another way for him to stand up against injustice. Sure he could disarm a mugger, apprehend bank robbers, even defeat alien deities and punch an asteroid to smithereens without ever breaking a sweat, but what about the enemies and problems he couldn’t punch? What about a corporation dumping toxic waste in a town's drinking water?  Or a local politician who had been taking bribes to continue to allow organized crime to operate freely? Or a need to open a new shelter and increase the funding of outreach programs for the homeless in the city. Issues like these required a more deft touch. He raised his hands from their work and cracked his knuckles as he readied to strike another blow for justice.

Clark Kent brought his hands back down to the keyboard and began typing again. It had been a quiet couple of weeks. Which meant plenty of time for him to put his nose to the grindstone and really dig into his latest story about LexCorp and Wayne Industries competing to be awarded a contract to update Metropolis’ aging subway system. On its face it seemed like pretty dry stuff but after some initial investigation Clark had discovered that the several members on the board of the Metropolis Transit Authority had been meeting privately with LexCorp representatives. After a bit of gumshoe work Clark had found that they were meeting again at Gil’s Ristorante, an out of the way hole in the wall no one would expect to find LexCorp representatives patronizing and where it would be very easy to spot snooping reporters. One quick fly by with some super hearing and x-ray vision later and Clark had the scoop he had been looking for. LexCorp was promising to hire the board members once their time on the MTA was over in exchange for their votes. Clark smiled, thinking about the reaction this piece was going to get in the LexCorp board room when it was published at the end of the week.

The clacking of his fingers against his keyboard almost drowned out the muffled cacophony of the rest of the Daily Planet’s day to day operations and the soft sounds of Metropolis just outside his window, every now and then pausing to referencing his notes on his phone as he detailed the shady dealings of LexCorp.

A soft hiccup behind him cut through the ambient noise like a gunshot. Clark froze. A second hiccup followed shortly and the pungent stench of cheap alcohol wafted through the air. He hadn’t heard anyone come into the room and no one had been in here when he entered, if they had he certainly would have smelled them if nothing else. Which meant they must have entered via some sort of magic or teleportation, which certainly narrowed the list down. Although not nearly enough to be helpful considering how many people Clark knew who could do both.

They hadn’t attacked him yet, so that was a safe sign they weren’t here to ambush him. Clark stood up, slowly removing his suit jacket and resting it over the back of his chair. It was new and he wanted to try to avoid it getting ruined if things got messy. “Excuse me, but I believe you might be in the wron…” He began firmly, before he was stopped short by the sight of a child sized man with a shock of white hair, carrying a big jug with three X’s on it and dressed in a yellow jumpsuit with matching purple boots, gloves, and tiny derby hat. “Mr. Mxyzptlk! What are you doing here?”

“Ish my wife Shuperman, shhhe left me…” The tiny man slurred as he stared blearily down into the jug. “Ungrateful woman hash me in the dog houshe. And for what? Jush because I happened to be coinshadennaly looking at Power Girlsh shpechial boobie window when shhhe looked in on me having my fun.”

Clark put his hand on his face, sighing “Mxy I really don’t have time for this.”

Mr. Mxy groaned “Oh come on Shuperman I’m dying here. She’s hashsen’t shlept with me in a month. Shaysh shhhes on strike, can you believe that? Can you imagine a woman turning down this?” He sloppily waved his hand down at his diminutive frame.

“Actually, yes, yes I can.” Superman said dryly. “I can also imagine you saying your name backwards and going back to where you came from. You know you're not welcome in this dimension.”

Mr. Mxy hiccuped and took another disgusting swig from his cartoony jug “My bhesh buddy in the whole world won’t even conshole me in my hour of need, my woman kishks me out for appreseshating the female form, what any man would do in my position. What ish thish world coming to?”

Clark was rapidly losing his patience. “Mxy, can you even get drunk?”

Mr. Mxy looked up at Superman in a supposed stupor “Huh?”

“Can you even get drunk?” Clark repeated “You’re a being from the fifth dimension, you’re not human, why would alcohol affect you in the same way? I’m a Kryptonian and it doesn’t normally affect me, why should it have exactly the same effect on you that it has on humans?”

Slowly Mr. Mxy’s bleary, unfocused stare and unhappy demeanor were replaced by the sharp eyes and wide grin that Clark had learned to dread “Ah, you old spoil sport, you can’t ever let me have any fun, you really are a big blue boyscout.” Mr. Mxy waved his hand and the jug disappeared, though the strong odor of alcohol remained, most likely to try and get on Clark’s nerves. “I wasn’t lying about any of that, I just thought the drunk and desperate act would sell it better to you. I know you have a soft spot for sob stories.”

Clark gritted his teeth “I help people Mxy, it's what I do.”

“I know!” Mr. Mxy responded brightly, “That's why I’m here.”

Several moments passed as Clark and Mxy stared at each other, Clark’s intentional cool passive indifference meeting Mxy’s cheshire grin. Clark put his hand to his face and sighed, realizing he was going to have to ask if he ever wanted Mr. Mxy to leave. “Well what do you want me to do?”

“I’m so glad you’re offering to help me!” Mr. Mxy said with a chuckle, barreling on before Clark could object. “I was thinking you and I could have a fun night out on the town. Maybe hit a few bars and strip clubs, help me work off some of this pent up sexual frustration. Between the two of us guys, I’m looking for some scabs to break my wife’s strike, so maybe you could invite Power Girl, or maybe even your cousin Kara….”

“No.” Clark stated with the finality of the grave, his face a mixture of shock, exasperation, and disgust “I am not helping you with...with that, Mxy. Certainly not with my cousin. Don’t ever talk about her like that. Don’t even think about her like that.” Clark shook his head “You know what? I’m done with this. Either say your name backwards or do whatever bombastic, extravagant plan you have in mind and I’ll trick you into doing it. We’ve done this dance before, you know how it ends.”

Surprisingly, the grin disappeared from Mr. Mxyzptlk’s face as he appeared lost in thought “You know what? You’re right.” Clark was momentarily stunned, was he getting through to his long time foe? Before Clark had even finished that thought Mr. Mxy’s grin returned “If you’re not going to help me, I’ll just have to help myself.”

“Whatever.” Clark sighed, mentally preparing for whatever reality bending hijinx Mr. Mxy had in mind “Just leave my cousin out of it.”

Mr. Mxy chuckled “You know what I think I can manage that. I’ll be seeing you Supes! Kltpzyxm!” He winked and disappeared in an instant, as if he was never there at all.

Clark waited for the reality breaking onslaught he was sure Mr. Mxyzptlk was about to conjure. A minute passed. Then two. The ambient noise of the Daily Planet and the muffled hustle and bustle of Metropolis drifted in from outside his office, uninterrupted by extra dimensional chaos. After several minutes of waiting Clark sat down and began to pretend to work, trying to bait out Mr. Mxy. After a half hour nothing had happened, maybe Mxy hadn’t been lying about being broken up. Clark began to get back to working on his article in earnest.

****

Back in the fifth dimension Mr. Mxy was hard at work, or at least as hard at work as it is possible to be when you can manifest your every desire with a snap of your fingers. “Couldn’t even play along to help his old pal Mxyzptlk out, I see how it is.” With a thought a comfortable looking recliner appeared in front of him. “Well if he’s not open to a good time I guess I’ll just have to broaden his horizons.” A TV appeared in front of Mxy as he dropped into the plushy chair he had created for himself. Mxy held his hand out in front of himself, palm up, and a remote appeared in his hand as if it had always been there. A playful smirk appeared on his face “And now for some light entertainment!” He pressed the power button on the remote.

The TV clicked on, the buzz of static filling the air, an unnecessary detail, but if Mxy was going to go for a bit he was going to go all in. Mxy pressed the channel up button. The scene on the television showed the inside of what appeared to be a bank, Central City Savings and Loan, according to a large illuminated sign behind the tellers. Mxy watched for a minute as a group of heavily armed men in masks strolled into the bank and began to issue orders to the customers and tellers. Mxy yawned and flipped the channel “That’ll be over in a flash, boring!”

Mxy flipped the channel to display the inside of what appeared to be a run down warehouse. A group of thugs in garish clown makeup were busy at work unloading crates that appeared to be full of gag gifts and toys: whoopee cushions, hand buzzers, squirting lapel flowers and more Mxy couldn’t quite make out. As Mxy watched he noticed almost imperceptible movement in the rafters above the warehouse floor. He chuckled  “Oooh I like a bit of terror on a dark night, but I’ll save that for later.” Mxy changed the channel again.

Displayed on the television was the scene he had just left, Clark Kent’s office. Mxy grinned “Now this is the entertainment I’ve been looking for!” Mxy watched for several minutes as the kryptonian reporter continued the mundane work he had been engaged in before being derailed by a certain delightful scamp. Mxy sighed “Ok well maybe not this exactly. I had something a bit more titillating in mind, but you know what they say: if life hands you a dearth of horney kryptionian women, make your own.” Mxy pressed a button labeled ‘Options’ on his remote.

****

Back at work on his article Clark was pleased. Despite Mxy’s intrusion he was making good progress, he was about half way done. He was still vigilant for any sign of Mr. Mxyzptlk, but the impish little man was hardly subtle, any move he made would be hard to miss. As he was about to start in on his next paragraph Clark paused, his fingers hovering just above his keyboard. He couldn’t remember what he had been about to type. He checked his phone to see if he could regain his place by where he was in his notes. They didn’t look familiar. He removed his metal framed glasses, placed them on the table, and rubbed his eyes.

On second glance the story and his notes were exactly as he had written them. The Metropolis Transit Authority had been meeting to approve the placement of advertisements  for the reality show The Waynes, the show which followed multi-billionaire heiress and playgirl Bryce Wayne and her family of adopted daughters, on trains and buses around the city. Rival reality TV star and lingerie mogol Alexis Luthor was trying to secure the same advertising space for her own show, Alexis Knows Best. It was pretty juicy stuff, with both women being passive aggressively catty towards each other in interviews and on social media. Clark had gotten the scoop that Alexis was playing dirty, attempting to bribe board members of the MTA with free lingerie and possibly even attempting to seduce one or two of the members. He must have been getting tired if he was having trouble remembering gossip as hot as this. Satisfied that he wasn’t losing his mind, the staccato clacking of long red nails against a keyboard joined the ambient duet of the Daily Planet offices and downtown Metropolis as Clark set his slender fingers back to typing.

A light rapping at his office door pulled Clark’s attention away from his computer once again. The door opened slightly before Clark could offer an invitation and a freckled face framed by a naturally fiery red page boy haircut peaked in around the edge of the door. “May I come in?” A breathy alto voice asked.

“Of course Jimi! You know my door is always open to you.” Clark said with a friendly smile. Jimi Olsen opened the door fully and entered the room. She was one of the Daily Planet’s best photographers and worked closely with Clark on most of his stories. There was something off about her today, though Clark couldn’t quite put his finger on it. Her outfit of capris, a fitted woman’s button up shirt, and a pair of professional looking black flats was nice looking but hardly different from the tomboyish professional attire she usually sported. “You look different today Jimi.” She looked quizzically at Clark and he continued before she took it the wrong way. “Did you do something with your hair? Or new makeup perhaps?”

A small appreciative smile graced Jimi’s face “I did go to the salon yesterday and got a bit of a trim.” Jimi said, primping her hair a bit. “Thank you for noticing! I wanted to ask if you were free for a moment to take a look at some photos I took of Green Lantern last week when I was in Coast City for our profile on him. See which one you think we should use for the cover image.”

“Cover image?” Clark asked. The Daily Planet didn’t have a cover, it was… it was… it was the biggest entertainment and lifestyle magazine in Metropolis of course it did. Clark shook his head, he was feeling off today. No matter, he would have a spa day this weekend and come back feeling refreshed. “Of course Jimi! I needed a break from my work anyway.” He got up and put his jacket back as he moved to the door.

Jimi raised an eyebrow with a smile “Forgetting something, Clark?” Clark paused, confused. “Your glasses, silly!”

Shaking his head, Clark walked back to his desk and picked up his glasses, pink cat-eye frames with inlaid rhinestones; he sometimes thought he’d forget his own head if it wasn’t attached to his shoulders. He put them on and walked back to the door “Thanks, I’m feeling a bit…”

“Ditzy?” Jimi helpfully suggested.

Clark let out a little giggle “Yeah, I suppose you could put it that way. Come on, let's go look at your photos before I forget anything else.”

****

The picture on screen followed Jimi and Clark as they left the office. Mr. Mxy clapped his hands in delight. “This is going better than I could have expected!” Overlaid on the screen were several options spelled out in radioactive green with corresponding adjustable fields. Currently only the option FEM had been adjusted, the bar next to the label had been filled in about twenty five percent of the way. The other options had yet to have been touched. “Still, this is a far cry from a substitute for a boys night on the town.” On the screen Clark followed Jimi to her desk across the floor of the Daily Planet. While there were certainly some more feminine aspects to the man, he was still as masculine in his posture, gestures, and body as he had ever been.

Tapping his finger on his chin, Mxy thought for a moment “Let’s see, what else can I have fun with here? Obviously some more of this.” He adjusted the FEM bar until it was about half full. Next, his eyes came to rest on a field labeled DOM. Mxy shook his head “Now that just won’t do. I know they say it’s better to give than to receive, but after a lifetime of giving I think my little Kryptonian needs a break.” He adjusted the field until the bar next to it was completely empty. He drummed his fingers on the remote as he pondered whether or not this was enough. “Maybe just a touch of this.” Mxy adjusted the field labeled BIM.

Settling back into his recliner Mxy grinned “There we go. Let’s see if this will start getting hot and heavy now.”