Merry Christmas! (Flash Fiction ?!?) (Patreon)

(NSFW VERSION IN THE DOWNLOADS!)

Death sat at the window,

bone fingers drumming

while Tink hung some new lights

and Kisa was humming

Christmas tunes of good cheer

while dancing in place

And nearby sat Jenny

who stared into space

"Uncle Death!" cried Callisto

upon entering the room.

"I thought I had missed you!

Santa came, I assumed!"

"Not just yet," replied Death,

with a smile most grim.

"Santa's coming at ten,

then I'm going with him,

To travel the world,

bringing joy and good cheer,

because that's what I do

each and every year."

"Uncle Death," said the child,

with a fiery grin

Can you tell me the story

of the mean one again?"

"I suppose," Death replied,

then sipped at his tea.

"Hop on up, my dear child,"

and he offered his knee.

Callisto climbed onto Death's lap

as Grace dropped from the ceiling

Death cradled them both

his chest full of warm feelings,

"I don't have much time,

but this story's a cinch,

let me tell you the time

that we fought the Gri--"

Cal covered Death's mouth,

his eyes shining bright.

"Aunt Beth's a good lawyer,

but don't break copyright."

"Right again," said the Reaper

while scratching his chin.

"Let me gather my thoughts

and start over again."

"It was a night just like this one,

and all through the home,

we were having a party,

with a nice group of gnomes."

"Gnomes?" replied Cal,

his features all twisted.

 "Are you sure there were gnomes?"

"Of course," Death insisted.

"The house was packed full,

of visiting fae

for they had come to celebrate

on that Christmas Day,"

"When up on the roof, 

there arose such a clatter,

so Abella went up, 

to see what was the matter.

It was Saint Nick, you see, 

with his team and his sleigh

"I need your help," he cried out

"Please come right away!"

The party was loud

and all had been drinking

but your father and I

headed up without thinking.

"There's a beast," Santa said

"Or a man in its stead,

who fully hates Christmas

with all of his head.

He's stealing toys,

and cookies and trees

from every family on Earth

I need your help please!"

Mike Radley got in

the sleigh with a sigh

"Might as well go,

you've got the right guy.

Tell me more of this fiend,

is he demon or mortal?

Can we kill it with silver?

Shove it into a portal?"

"He's the mean one,

the green one, this jerk of a guy

He stands eight feet tall,

has green fur and can fly!"

"Can fly?" asked Mike Radley,

while stroking his chin.

"With a rocket powered sled,

Santa replied with a grin.

"I can catch him, just barely,

with this sleigh of my own

 But he's much too strong

to be beaten alone."

So we took off with Santa,

Mike Radley and I,

"You say you need muscle?

I might know a guy."

So we plotted and planned

and made one more stop

to get help from a guy

so that our plan would not flop

We tracked the Gri..een guy down,

somewhere over Atlanta

and we set up a trap

the three of us and Santa

We waited inside

a home on 3rd Street

for the green one's arrival

and he didn't miss a beat

Mike Radley said hi

from his place on the couch

The green one was angry,

That miserable grouch

I don't care if your heart

is two sizes too small

Or if you're feet hurt

Not one bit at all

Mike Radley leaned forward

his features now crass

"Put all of it back

Or we'll kick your ass."

"My ass," he replied

that nasty old Gri...ump

"Your ass is the one

that's about to be thumped."

"I don't think so," said Mike

as he rose from his seat.

"For we're here to stop you

I want you to meet,

My best friend Death, you can see

he's eager to meet you

With his Louisville slugger

an early gift from Ratu."

"It's enchanted," I said,

and gave it a swing

"It won't break, bend or fold,

What a marvelous thing."

"And Santa you know,"

said Mike to the mean one.

"He's quite cross with you,

you may want to run."

And Santa came forward

sliding brass knuckles on

"Season's Beatings are coming,

you Christmas hating spawn."

The mean one laughed at the sight

then bared his fangs with a smile

"You'll never beat me,"

And the mood turned hostile

Mike Radley threw lightning

while Santa threw punches

And I swung like Babe Ruth

hoping to hear bony crunches

But the green one was fast

his body was sturdy

the fight moved outside

and that's where things got dirty

The mean one, you see,

was clever and quick

he'd set a trap of his own

which took down Saint Nick.

It was a trap built from ropes

Santa was caught in a net

And the mean one, he laughed

"You're no longer a threat.

"You humans, I hate you

you miserable beings.

You treat Christmas like garabge

it's all about things!

And money! And songs,

I don't know what's worse.

You don't care about love

just what thickens your purse."

"We just did this last year,"

said Mike with a frown.

"Same plot, different asshole,

and we still took him down."

"Without Santa, you're nothing,

your big plans are screwed.

I'm stealing Christmas, you see,

I'm even taking the food!"

"I'm quick and I'm clever,

I knew you were waiting.

You have no skills

when it comes to trap baiting."

"Let me correct you,"

said my friend Mike with a smile.

"We're master baiters, you see,

and we've one by a mile."

"A mile," he sneered

that miserable turd.

"You aren't going to win this,

the thought is simply absurd."

"The house was a chance

for you to come clean.

But out here, you see,

this is his scene."

"He who?" cried the mean one,

then gave Mike the finger.

"I'm done talking with you,

and shall no longer linger."

Then the ground shook

with a low, steady beat.

It was the sound of two massive,

hair covered feet.

The green one he turned

with a look of surprise

as Bigfoot punched that bastard

between his yellow eyes.

He had been hiding nearby

quiet as a mouse

because he was huge

and didn't fit in the house

The green one cried out

as Bigfoot pounded his hide

and he punched that old bastard

until the mean one, he died.

"Hold on," said Callisto,

his eyes suddenly wary.

"I remember this tale

being far, far more scary.

This story, it changes,

with each passing season.

Did it actually happen?

I must know the reason."

Death chuckled and patted

the boy on his head

while Grace chewed on Death's robes

like they were stale bread.

"It's most like the geas

or some other vague reason.

Oh look at the time!

Santa needs me this season!"

It was only 8:30,

but Death took his leave early

and squeezed up the chimney

leaving Callisto quite surly

Tink cried out in anger

as the room became sooty.

"When Bone dumb dumb come back

Tink kick your dumb booty!"

Cal laughed from his belly

as Death became stuck.

His boney feet kicked

while Tink shouted "Fuck!"

Grace giggled and butted

Cal's chest with her head.

For she knew the truth of the tale

that Death had been misled.

It wasn't the story they wanted,

for the details were blurry

They just loved laughing at Death

when he left in a hurry.

Cal hugged Grace to his side

as they laughed in delight

"Merry Christmas," he told her

 "And to all a good night."