Dead and Horny Official Release! (Patreon)

Lily here, the girl of your dreams. Did you know that my book is coming out tomorrow? You did? Good.

So let's rehash a little book etiquette for those of you who are prepared to spend your hard earned money on reading about me, Dana, and the toaster once again.

Amazon is a bit like the Dreamscape. Weird shit happens there, kind of like when you have those strange dreams you don't want to tell anybody about, like the one where you own a bowling alley with your mother and pay rent by peeing into a bucket.

That's right, I saw that one.

C'mere, I want to show you something.

Looks good, doesn't it? I've always loved the beach. There are no walls, just the distant horizon. Nothing there to drag me down.

Where was I going with this? Oh, right. Amazon.

You see, little ducks, I'm glad you've been enjoying my stories and supporting them. Annabelle is busting ass trying to buy me my own beach condo so I can work on my tan and maybe drown a few tourists who have it coming.

Now, you're already contributing to the dream by buying my book, which makes me immensely happy. You want to see me happy, right?

You see, when I'm happy, I want to make you happy. I'll drop on by and give you those dreams you wanted, like that one about the checkout girl with the cute smile and the strong grip, or even that coworker you've been secretly lusting after. 

So you know what will really make me happy? If you do buy my book, you should at least leave some stars for it. Preferably 5 of them. What would be even better is if you leave a written review, tell other people why they need to read this book. Sure, it airs some of my dirty laundry, but I'm a dirty girl.

But you know what would piss me off? If you bought the book and didn't leave a review or any stars. You see, Amazon likes that shit, because it helps them move more merchandise.

And if I get mad, I'm still going to visit your dreams. But now you don't get to spend time with that sexy coworker, or your favorite youtuber. Instead, I'm gonna make you relive your most embarrassing moments all while I fight the urge to rip your heart out through your ass!

CAN YOU EVEN HEAR ME? IS THIS THING ON?!? I WANT THOSE STARS, DAMN IT, AND I DON'T CARE HOW MANY PEOPLE I HAVE TO KI--

*SOUNDS OF STRUGGLING*

*BEACH NOISES, FUMBLING SOUNDS*

Hello? Sorry about that, someone is still mad that she lost at beach volleyball. But hey, if you buy Dead and Horny off of Amazon, don't forget to leave a review or I'll have to listen to Lily bitch. 

Domo arigato gozaimasu.