Improving Your Fiction, an Example (Patreon)

Editing is a big part of the writing process. The words we write in our first drafts aren’t always very good. Spelling, grammar, and stylistic issues often exist in these early drafts. I’m not able to give you a comprehensive view of how to improve your fiction in a single post, but I do have an example of awful fiction and how I made it better. Better yet, I wrote this atrocity, so I feel no remorse ripping this sample apart. The excerpt is actually from the first short story I ever got published, back in 2002 in a fanzine. I haven’t checked exactly what the final version was, but I know last time I looked at the printed work, it hurt to read.

First the sample, without any improvements at all:

A year of service in the military had hardened Cody into a fierce fighting machine. He was one of the best people out there at handling the mechs, but that year had done nothing to Cody's resolve. His heart ached from the pain of having to be a part of this war, and it had only furthered his resolve that this war was wrong. He now believed without a shadow of a doubt that going out onto the battlefield to kill people was not the solution to the problem at hand. Still, he did what they told him, even though his heart ached at having to kill others.

"Cody?"

"What? Cody's mind had been wandering, but he now drew his attention back to reality, before him stood his friend Dale.

"Your doing it again man."

"Huh?"

"Staring off into space with that wishful look on your muzzle" Dale showed a Look of concern on his face. At about Cody's size and height the two looked pretty related. Even their fur colorations were similar, although the two were not related in anyway.

Cody just shrugged. He noticed he'd started doing that more often as of late. He would just sit in the rec room and stare out the window blankly. Most people paid little head to it. While he was on of the best fighters out there, he had developed a reputation for being introverted, since he'd been assigned to combat duty. It had been growing worse as of late. His friend Dale was the only one who seemed to care. As long as he preformed well in the line of battle, command did not care.

"I'm beginning to wonder if you don't need a psychological evaluation man. The commander is beginning to wonder himself a little to. You've only been getting worse man. You never acted like this back in training. You were always more energetic back then." Dale studied Cody for a second, who remained quiet, before changing the topic to more pertinent things. "They're sending us out on patrol at 1400 Cody. You had better get ready to suit up. It's 1255 already. Commander Dallas wants us ready and in armor by 1345."

Where to begin? In 365 words I have used the word man to end a sentence three times. Preformed is used instead of performed. Your is used when you’re should be in place. The dialogue is stilted. I like to include introspection in my writing, but this introspection meanders and goes nowhere. I managed to describe two people as being similar looking without describing how they even look. One thing I’ll also point out his both of these characters are anthro wolves. That should be mentioned in this story, but since this sample comes from the second scene of the story, it’s something we can let slide. Obviously if this was the intro, I’d need to better establish who Cody and Dale are.

Let’s beat this up:

A year of service in the military had hardened Cody. His skill with the mechs was renown in the unit, but it didn’t fill the hole inside of himself that kept growing larger. The war dragged at him. Where the humans they were fighting really their enemies? He wasn’t sure anymore.

"Cody?"

"What?” he said, snapping his attention back to reality. Dale one of the other wolves in his unit was standing in front of him.

"You’re doing it again, man."

"Huh?"

"Staring off into space with that wishful look on your muzzle" Dale shifted his weight slightly, a tell that he was nervous. If you didn’t know them, you’d swear they were brothers with how similar they looked.

Cody shrugged. He knew the stress was getting to him, but it was getting to everyone. Slowly these last few months he’d withdrawn into himself, but as long as he performed well in the line of battle, command did not care. Dale was the only one who seemed to care. 

Dale whispered so Cody had to focus his ears on him. "I'm beginning to wonder about you. The commander is beginning to wonder about you too. If you don’t snap out of this, they’re going to send you in for a psychological evaluation." The other wolf glanced around before he continued in his normal voice. "They're sending us out on patrol at 1400 Cody. You had better get ready to suit up. It's 1255 already. Commander Dallas wants us ready and in armor by 1345."

We’re down to 254 words in this sample. I have trashed just over 30% of the sample and not lost anything of value. It’s punchier, and it conveys the same emotions without dragging the reader down into a mopey tangent. There is still one sentence ending with the word man, but two of those are gone. The dialogue feels better, but it’s still a little stilted.

This second draft I did a couple years ago and used on a panel as an example of editing. I’m not completely happy with it, so I’m going to tackle this improved version and see what I can do make my second draft better:

A year of service in the military had hardened Cody. His skill with the mechs was renown in the unit, but he had trouble taking pride in the senseless death he wrought. The bodies, the cries of the dying, it filled his mind when he tried to sleep. Where the humans they were fighting really their enemies? He wasn’t sure. He hadn’t been sure in a long time what was right.

"Cody?" came a voice.

"What?” he said, his attention snapping back to reality. The gray furred form of Dale in his fatigues, one of the other wolves in his unit, filled his vision.

"You okay? You’re doing that staring into space thing again."

Cody’s ears flicked. "Oh, I was just thinking."

Dale shifted his weight slightly, a sign that he was nervous. He knew Cody was lying. “If you want to talk about it, I’m here.”

Cody shrugged. The stress was getting to everyone. These last few months had been rough, but command didn’t have time to care. There was a war to win. Dale was the only one who seemed to pick up on Cody’s growing unease with the war. 

Dale whispered so Cody had to turn his ears toward the wolf. "If you don’t snap out of this, I’m not going to be your wingman out there. You need to be sharp out there." Dale glanced around before he continued in his normal voice. "They're sending us out on patrol at 1400. Commander Dallas wants us ready and in armor by 1300, so you better go suit up. You need to be ready to go in forty-five minutes."

The word count here hasn’t changed that much, the sample is now 271 words, but some of the meaning has changed. I’ve tried to tackle the emotional impact of being a solider in a war more directly. Instead of the war just bothering him, Cody is seeing flashes of battle when he tries to sleep. Now, I’ve not done any research on PTSD, but I’m much more aware than when I wrote this story how war affects people. It would make sense, where this a story I was writing today, to actually do some research on PTSD and get a beta reader experienced with the issue to look at this. I could also ask someone who served in the military to give a look at this to make it feel more like a real army.

The other thing I’ve tried to do is bring a little more of the furry element into the story. I didn’t mention smell or tails, but those lupine ears do come up a bit more. I kept Dale shifting his weight to show nervousness, but random tail flicking could also be used to convey the emotion. The dialogue has hopefully become more natural too, especially rewriting the use of time. While the first two drafts get the point across, I don’t need to be so precise on how long they have to get ready. I even gave them more time to stand around waiting, stretching out the emotional impact of waiting for battle. Finally, Dale actually gains a fur color.

Is this perfect? No. You might even be able to make this better. If you want to rewrite this excerpt as a learning exercise, feel free. You can work with any version. One thing you could do is slip in a more description of what Dale looks like. He could have a visible scar or mangled ear to show he’s been through a lot. I tend to be much pretty terse about how I describe character now a days, but that’s a stylistic choice.

Let me know what you think and if you do want to rewrite this, feel free to share your version with me.