A long overdue update (Patreon)

Hey folks, hope you've been doing well.

First of all, my apologies for not giving anyone an update sooner. It's not in good form to leave not only my supporters, but also people I consider friends hanging for so long.

I haven't had the motivation to do anything outside of the very essentials to work and live for a few months now. Even the thought of putting the past months into words fills me with dread, and as much as it pains me to type all of this out, I can't dawdle anymore, as it has been months without communication on my part.

My worst fears regarding my back problems have become true. Even with months of therapy, it has come to a point where I have to deal with the notion that this is a problem that will accompany me for the rest of my life.

I'm also stuck in an incredibly uncomfortable position. My issue isn't problematic enough to warrant surgery, and also not severe enough to be classified as a disability to grant me support or accommodations.

As I've mentioned in November, one of my vertebra has a tiny malformation on the bone, and it is currently pressing itself against a disc. As much as I've mitigated its effects with physical therapy, it is still there and hasn't shown sings of moving anytime soon.

This means that, even though I'm sitting with perfect posture and trying to not apply any pressure to that spot, it'll eventually start to hurt. I can sit down for a couple of hours at best before it begins. At first it's just a dull sensation of pressure on my back, until it finally starts to hurt. Sometimes it's even worse, when there's no initial pain, but as soon as I start moving, it feels like a shock inside my spine.

I work a desk job, and even if I try my best to stretch every hour or so, or stay on my feet during part of my shift, at the end of the day all I can do is take some pain meds and lay down. After particularly grueling weeks, I end up spending the whole weekend in bed, only getting up for the basics.

Sometimes I even begin to wonder when was the last time I was not in pain, and how much I didn't value that time, as only a few months ago it was my default. Now I'm just miserable. Even the fleeting moments of fun I've had are haunted by the thoughts of "what if my back starts hurting now?". Going out feels like I'm racing against the clock to get as much enjoyment out of it before I need to retreat to my bed.

It feels like my whole life is now defined and delimited by that problem. Even things I've previously loved doing like playing games with my friends, practicing piano and, of course, writing, feel like monumental tasks I don't have the energy to do anymore. I just want to get home and sleep.

My injury has also affected my life as a whole. After being fired from my previous job, then having to change jobs because of the workload, it feels like I'm stuck at a dead end, just struggling to do the bare minimum to get by in the current economical situation of my country. But hey, at least I got to try Genshin Impact because I had to cut my FFXIV sub from my monthly expenses lol.

I apologize if this post comes off as just a lot of doom and gloom, or feels a bit ranty, or doesn't really have a point, I just wanted to get my feelings out, and by what you've read so far, you know I won't be able to do much reflection or editing before I eventually have to lay down again.

Patreon will continue paused for the time being, and I'll get to your personal messages as soon as I have the energy to do so.

If you're still here, thank you very much for your support.