Chapter 84: The Talk 2: I'm Scared Edition. (Patreon)

Docs: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1KFwgNRdW3tvOY0ViCC-nKoE-AtnF2dKAbV64hgPDy0Q/edit?usp=drive_link

AN:

Thank you for your continued support, and I hope you enjoy the chapter. 

This has been very very hard to write. But it was necessary. Expect the next chapter to come sooner.

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I woke up the next day, with Moonwash snuggled deep in my arms. She was already awake and staring right at my face. We were still wearing the clothes of last night, as we had just immediately collapsed on the bed and cuddled each other to sleep.

I gulped.

“Moonwash, we need to talk,” I squeezed out through the haze of sleep before I could back out. My three hearts thundered in my chest. Mana leaked into my surroundings as even my extradimensional demon blood storage was full. The chaotic emotions crashed into me like a raging river, but they dissipated upon acceptance into the greater ocean that was my full psyche.

“We always talk,” Moonwash responded and I deflated with a long and weary sigh.

“That’s not what I meant!” I bounced back with a shout. 

“I know,” my girlfriend affected a smirk. “That was a joke.”

“Ugh. It’s so hard to tell with you!”

“I know,” she repeated blandly, “that’s part of the fun.”

“Right… okay. But we really need to talk.”

“We’re talking right now.”

“Moonwassshhhh!!!” I whined and got up, taking her with me. “We really got some important things to talk about.”

“Okay. I’ll be serious.”

“Right. Thank you.” I cleared my throat. I hesitated for only a moment. “Are you sure about becoming my girlfriend?”

“Yes,” she answered immediately. “I wouldn’t have agreed if I wasn’t.”

“...That makes sense. I was just worried that I might have escalated things way too fast. Maybe you needed more time.”

“What?” Moonwash asked after a pause. “That doesn’t make any sense. You're the one who said you needed more time, which is fine and good. But I never once asked for the same. I never got the chance to ask you out again because I wasn’t sure when you’ll be ready.“

“...That’s all true.” I scratched my head. “It’s not like I planned anything! It was just such a magical moment when we were up there, flying…”

“I agree. It was a wonderful moment.”

“Right!?” I grinned happily at the memory. “And once that’s happened, well, I couldn’t really delay it any longer after that.” 

I thought over my next words. I reconsidered once more if I even needed to have this conversation. Moonwash herself was content enough with how things were, and so was I. Was there really a need to go through all this awkwardness and cringe? What if we even end up breaking up a day after becoming lovers because of it!?

All my hearts hammered in my chest at the thought. The fear crawled through my blood, and it transformed into a burning rage. It took all of the mental fortitude that I’d painstakingly built up to accept those emotions in a way that did not translate into violent and abhorrent actions.

I blurted out everything in one incoherent ramble.

“If you count my past life then I’m a lot older than you are and I’m worried about that! You also first confessed to me at a time when we were in an isolated forest with literally no other options! I didn’t want you to be clinging onto me in like… a really unhealthy way! I love you and I want to be with you but I also wanted to give you the time and space to grow and think. Maybe you still need to discover more things about yourself, and maybe what you’ll discover is a future without me in it. Don’t feel trapped, this relationship lasts so long as we both want it, but I will not hold it against you ever if you’ve changed your mind. That’s why I said we should just continue on like normal as the friends that we were all those years ago, but we clearly haven’t been doing that! Shit clearly changed between us, and things weren’t truly platonic anymore. And did I fuck up with that? Like, I always make things clear with people, especially those that I care about, but that was really confusing. I’m confused! Are you confused!?”

I exhaled deeply once I was done, and I felt a massive weight be lifted from my chest.

"Thank you, Haell," the words that finally came out of Moonwash’s mouth were not what I expected. "Thank you for caring so much about me. I feel loved."

I felt a warmth radiate through me, and I basked in that feeling while she stared off into space. I knew that was her thinking so seriously about my incoherent rambles.

“Maybe the age thing is weird, I understand that intellectually,” she finally said. “It’s definitely weird because reincarnation is just something that doesn’t happen, except for the queen and you and other vanishingly rare exceptions, it seems. But I am 24 now, Haell. Maybe I’m still young, but I’m well into human adulthood in both this world and yours. I can make my own decisions. If it’s a mistake, then it’s a mistake for me to make, but I don’t believe that it is. Maybe you had a point back then, when I first told you that I loved you. Maybe I was being impulsive, maybe that was a young and brash decision that would’ve backfired had you immediately accepted. But many years have passed since, and I have had a very long time to think about it.” She was already looking me in the eye, but her gaze seemed to… glint more meaningfully. “I love you, Haell. I love you more than I did back then. That is the only thing that has changed. That is the only discovery that I’ve made.”

Those final words hit me like a truck, and I was sure that my blush was strong enough to make my red face even redder. Moonwash mercilessly continued.

“You are also wrong about one thing. There were other options in that forest. I’m pretty sure that Elfrafim would be considered extremely attractive by most people.”

“Oh yeah. You’re right.” I nodded. I definitely agreed.

Moonwash made no pause, before addressing even more of my poorly worded word vomit. “I don’t believe I’m clinging to you in an unhealthy way, I love you and I want to be with you, so I do that. I don’t understand how I’m being unhealthy.”

“I didn’t say that you were!” I ended up shouting for some reason. “Sorry. Didn’t mean to raise my voice there.” I was stable enough in my mentality now to not commit violence, but it seemed that I could still get agitated. That was fine, but I shouldn’t scream at my lover. I never liked it whenever my Earth parents did explode and bicker, and I didn’t think either of them enjoyed it either. I did not wish to become like them. I must become like my current parents instead. Now they were cool.

“It’s fine,” Moonwash simply said. “What did you mean, then?”

“It’s just a hypothetical. You might have been clinging to me in that way, and the timing was suspect.”

“I see. Well, I’m not.”

“Okay.” It was the kind of thing that people often didn’t realize about themselves, but it was just a throwaway ramble. I had no fucking specific event in mind. I just wanted to be sure, because this relationship deserved nothing less.

“I don’t feel trapped and I like how we’ve been able to cuddle and be affectionate even before this,” Moonwash further continued. “I’ll admit it was maybe sort of confusing in light of you saying that we should just act like the confession didn’t happen, but I never thought much of it. It made me happy. You’re the only one who's confused, and that’s fine. But I knew that I loved you already, and no one has ever come close to how amazing you are.”

I buried my face in my hands. Steam probably came out of my ears. She had flustered me again. This woman would be the death of me!

It wouldn’t be the worst way to go. 

“There is someone that more than comes close,” I said arrogantly. “You. You're amazing, Moonwash. More than anyone.”

Her expression did not change, but her face turned red as a tomato.

“Aha! Got you now! You’re embarrassed too! Take that!”

She tackled me without warning, and then actually started tickling me! My higher level meant I could easily ignore it, but the sensation did remain, and I allowed it to dictate the way I thrashed about. Thankfully, Moonwash was actually higher level than me, so I wasn’t about to hurt her accidentally.

“Okay, okay, stahp!” I got back up after rolling around the bed with my girlfriend for way too long. “I take it that means you do like being my girlfriend then?”

“Yes, of course.” She stared at me, then played with her expression until she managed to give me the side eye. “I’m surprised you still don’t understand that after everything.”

“It was just a confirmation! To be sure!”

“Sure. It’s okay. I like my big dumb demon girlfriend.”

“AAAAAAaaaAaAAAAaAaAAA!!!” I changed subjects to something else we absolutely had to talk about after screaming. Comedic shouting was fine. Just not the angry kind, directed at her. “Boundaries. We need to set boundaries.”

“You mean like with the greater ambient magic?”

“Err… no. A different thing.”

“You discovered a new boundary?” Moonwash only grew more interested.

“Still no! I mean for our relationship. Proper boundaries and all that.”

“Ah. Well, I’m fine as we are.”

“But what are we? Like, what kind of relationship do we have? Are we exclusive to each other? Is our relationship more open? Are we taking on entire villages as concubines? What’s going on?”

Moonwash was quiet for a few seconds. “I don’t know.”

“Well… I don’t know either. And that’s the problem! We should decide that right now.”

“Okay. Decide then.”

“Well, it can’t just be me! What do you want?”

Another long pause. “I have thought about it,” Moonwash said. “I think I can be fine with you sleeping around.”

“You can be? Moonwash, you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to.”

“I’m not bothered much by it. It’s normal for relationships to compromise isn’t it?”

“So you are compromising!”

“Well, aren’t you? You’ve seldom been in a relationship like this, haven’t you? I’m not sure because you don’t like to talk about your past life that much, especially personal details, but that was the sense that I got.”

“Well, you wouldn't be wrong. But what about what you want? You shouldn’t be disregarding that!”

“Neither should you, yet all you’ve been asking about is me. What about what you want?”

I opened my mouth to continue arguing, then shut it tight again. Moonwash did have a point. The answer to her question would have been easier in my last life, but now it wasn’t so clear. I hadn’t ever been in a relationship since I became an imp, or even before that, for obvious reasons. 

“Look at us,” I laughed. “So concerned over the other that we end up fighting over it.”

“It is funny,” Moonwash agreed. “We’re already together. You’re my girlfriend. Now I only want you to be happy… but clearly you also only want the same for me.”

“Well, duh! And you should be doing the things that make you happy too!”

“I am. I meant that in regards to our relationship. Outside of it, I have my crafts and you have your murders.”

“Wait. Why does mine sound so much worse?”

“I’m sure it’s nothing.”

“Whew,” I wiped an errant sweat off my brow. “Glad to hear it.”

I laughed, and Moonwash snuggled up to me as we just sat there on my bed.

“Okay. We should tell each other honestly what we feel and want for our boundaries.”

“Okay,” Moonwash agreed. “You go first.”

No, no. You go first, I almost said, but I acquiesced and shared my thoughts.

“Well, it’s true that before I was always in more open, if not polyamorous relationships… but most of the time I just wasn’t in any. I did engage with people in romantic ways, but never for long. It’s all fleeting, you know. So the way I’ve come to love you, and the way that my feelings blaze ever harder, is already special. Maybe it’s just how I was. And maybe I’ve changed. I’m a demon. So I am down to try anything.”

“That doesn’t answer the question, unless if you really have no preference.”

I shrugged and then decided to just be honest. As I should be. “Something open, or polyamorous would be… familiar. And I do like sex, with many different people, I’ll admit. Also… this might be… the wrong thing to say, but I’m in a whole new world! Part of me does want to get to know all the many other species, including sexually! Ah, but my drive for it isn’t as strong as I thought it’d be. I guess… shit, I don’t know if I should even be sharing this, but I think it’s important to admit. I do get attracted to other people, and part of the reason why I haven’t tried is because of what I mentioned before about how our status was left on complicated for so long, and I didn’t know if I could or should just hook up with someone. That and I don’t really have the option with most people anyway because I’m a demon and I have to hide. So it doesn’t actually matter what I want. It doesn’t fucking matter because the world has already chosen for me!!” I took a deep breath, but it didn’t work. The vitriol remained as I continued amid tears. “I have to pretend to be a human. I cannot ever show my true self to most people, much less get naked in the same bed, because they might decide to out me and get me fucking killed. The freedom that I thought I finally got has been taken from me again!” 

I panted. My breaths came out as growls as I found a deep fury in my sorrow. Moonwash patted my back, and I almost snapped at her out of reflex. I was so happy that I didn’t, and that finally calmed me down a little.

“It’s okay, Haell,” Moonwash whispered. Her voice was bland but I could tell she was attempting to be kind and gentle, and it was the thought that mattered. “It’s okay. You’re right that it sucks. And we’ll kill them all someday. Okay?”

“Okay,” I sighed. I took a deep breath and sagged into her shoulders. “Sorry. I got off topic. Shit, what was I about to…”

“It’s not a problem, Haell. I get where you’re coming from now.”

“...Alright. But to be clear, it’s by no means a deal breaker, whatever kind of relationship you’d prefer. Give me a second, and I wanna hear about how you feel too.”

Moonwash gave me the time I needed to get my emotions back under control, and then she began. “I suppose I want a relationship like that of my moms, or perhaps your parents. Where they're committed to each other and only each other. But if I think about it, I don't feel extremely bothered about you casually having sex with other people. I don't feel that jealous about it, whereas if you were romantically involved with them, then I'd be more hurt, I think. So, I would prefer a romantically closed relationship, but I'm fine with us being more open sexually.

"You do realize that well, while it isn't the case for everyone, even I would feel some feelings if I fuck someone right? It's just, it's an intense and intimate affair and emotions would run high."

"Emotions would run high. I know that. But you seldom ever got into romantic relationships in your last life despite it, didn't you?"

"Well, yes, but... I'd still feel romantically attached? To an extent?"

She was quiet for a moment. "That does bother me a bit more than I thought it would, but only a little bit. Not enough to change my decision. It's a compromise that I'm willing to make, just as you're also willing to compromise." Her gaze intensified further. "Your happiness matters too."

It was my turn to be quiet. I was loved and I just basked in the warmth for a moment. It somehow overshadowed the infernal burns that oozed through my veins.

"I... sorry," I finally mumbled. "I was rambling earlier since I didn't really know what to say, but I don't want you to think that whatever you choose, whatever your preference is, would make me any less happy."

“That isn’t what you said earlier.”

I shook my head, and took Moonwash's hands into my own. I pressed my forehead against hers and bumped her skull with my horns a few times until we got the position right.  Our eyes stared unerringly at each other for a few seconds.

"Haell of a few minutes ago was an idiot that hadn't really thought things through. Words were just tumbling out of my mouth like an uncontrolled avalanche, and that’s not the best representation of how I really feel." I squeezed her hand tighter and began, "I would certainly enjoy and be happy with the relationship you described, where I am able to be sexually active outside of it. That would be fun. But I realize now that it would make me just as happy to be in an exclusive relationship with you. It is not a shackle that I would chafe under, that commitment itself will bring me nothing but joy."

Moonwash took in my words, she squeezed my hand tighter in turn, and we continued to be lost in each other’s eyes.

"So do not worry, Moonwash. I would truly be happy either way. So go and tell me what you want most of all."

"It's a changing thing," she responded, "Your words made me really happy, and I think they’ve already made me feel differently. I guess I’m an idiot too."

I chuckled. "People change all the time. So too can relationships evolve.”

"But if we change in the wrong directions, then it might tear us apart."

"That's why we must talk and communicate. But even then, there is no such thing as perfect. The future is uncertain. The risk of heartbreak is just... part of relationships, I'm afraid."

"I see. So it can't be guaranteed. Not even if I'm willing to just go with whatever you wish?"

"That would just be unhealthy. You can't do that, Moonwash."

"Is that not the same thing you're doing though?"

"No. I'm truly equally comfortable either way, as I had said. I only mentioned some of my preferences earlier because you asked really strongly, and well, stream of consciousness, you know?"

"I see," she took her time to formulate what she was about to say next. "I want you to be mine and mine alone then, Haell. For now. Because I also want you to be free to explore this world in all the ways you desire. And I already feel much better and less jealous about it after what you said, somehow. I can't explain why. But I think I just need this time, to feel reassured and be your only one. And then I'll probably change my mind at some point. We're going to live forever aren't we?"

"That's the plan." I hugged her tightly, burying her deeper into my chest. "You don't have to change your mind though, Moonwash. Just let it happen naturally. I'll make you feel loved and reassured anyway."

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Just like Haell, I wanted to ignore this chapter and just continue on as normal. Do a big fight, explore more of the magic, even discover what other fucked up horrors this society has in store. Anything to escape this awkwardness and cringe.

But. No matter how I hesitated, I just felt in my heart of hearts, that this chapter had to happen. It was something they had to face as a couple, and something I had to face as a writer.

Let me open up a little more about my original original plans for this story in regards to romance. I never thought I’d even have an entire chapter dedicated to it, as the romance has always been a side plot so far. There’s only one other that’s arguably like it. And there are even some other long-term things that still haven’t been covered! I am aware btw(Babies. Marriage.). Idk how/if I’ll address them yet, but I am aware. Definitely not making a chapter like this again though! And so I jinx myself.

Anyway! Initial Plan. I wanted to just have Haell do a couple of casual encounters here and there, just enough to serve as characterization and a springboard for a few funny jokes. But nothing ever serious, right?

But then I had the idea of a romance between her and Moonwash. I decided to do it, but only much later at a time when it might not be so complicated.

Moonwash derailed those plans. That was hard enough. But then Haell derailed my delaying tactics–Plans! I mean Plans! Haell delayed my plans! I certainly wasn’t trying to put it off because I was scared! The chapter title is actually referring to ME! Ahahahahhahahahaha!

Anyway, thanks to their help, you have this chapter. It’s the one that I’ve agonized the most over. I’m not a romance author, after all! As you may have noticed, the romance seldom had a chapter all to itself, and I don’t know when it’ll happen again, if ever. It’s usually just a sideplot in a chapter, and rarely the main focus.  

So, I had no idea where to actually take their relationship. I tried to trace my characters’ minds, but I sometimes even arrived at entirely different answers. This took a lot of thinking, and I don’t know how well I’ve managed to do it despite all that effort. There were also some uncomfortable things… usually just glossed over and never mentioned in reincarnation fics for good reason, and I really wanted to just do the same, but Haell’s already mentioned the age thing before, for example. I couldn’t run from the fact that Haell would bring it up again in this talk, and I had to take the risk in order to portray her character faithfully. And then I just tried to think of how Moonwash would respond to it, because reincarnation really is weird, and fuck if I know how to navigate this.

SEE WHY I DIDN’T WANNA DO ROMANCE AAAAAAA!!!!

All that being said, if this isn’t your favorite arc then do not worry. I’m very excited for the next chapters as we’ll be getting some very big fights, so stay tuned for that. I can’t wait to finally have Haell’s new build in action. It’s going to be epic.

I’ll try to get the next chapter out sooner, because I don’t know how much I want to let this chapter stew as the final post here. Part of why I was very unsure of this chapter is because we haven’t had a good fight in a while. I do actually feel much better about this chapter right now than I did when I first wrote this a couple of days ago. I came to love it during my edits somehow. But still.

Thank you for reading, the chapter and even my long Author’s Note. Have a nice rest of your day! Or tomorrow, if it’s super late in the night.