Shanghaied ( Draft) (Patreon)

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I woke up eating sand.

With the mother of all headaches barraging my brain like Fort Vaux being the Germans, I stood up from the clear white sand, coughing and groaning as I regained my bearings.

As my eye sight cleared, it was pretty fucking clear that something was wrong.

"The hell did I do last night?" I whispered to myself as I then noticed that my body feeling warmer than usual, and somewhat airy too. I glanced down and my eyes widened.

Now, I maintained a exercised and toned body, I was part of the gains cult after all. But my body now was toner, and firmer. Like I had achieved my dream goals overnight.

If my confusion before was minuscule, it was now palpable.

To recap, I just woke up in bum-fuck nowhere, naked, and had somehow managed to finish my dream summer bod in a single night. That was neat. And speaking of night, I looked inside my memories to see what the hell happened.

"Son of a bitch!" I cried, falling to my knees on the sand and my hands grasping my head, my headache intensifying. It felt as if my brain was refusing to work with me. My breathing hitched as I forced myself to regain my bearings, and just like that, my headache slowly dissipated.

Ok. Alright. I got the cue. Do not think about what happened, or I will get Verdun'd.

Fine then. I'll just think about something else, you lousy brain.

First things first, I had to go get something to cover myself and then look for civilization, find out where I was and possibly get a phone to call my country's embassy or something. Judging by the trees, and climate, I was probably somewhere in the Mediterranean

And so, I picked myself up from the beach and went off to find a poor tree to cover myself.

It was then it hit me.

I had no fucking idea how to make one.

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Those people in the videos made it look so easy.

I had attempted to fashion for myself a leaf skirt but after struggling to fashion the damn thing, I had given up.

I really should have paid attention to my survival classes, or to Bear Grylls when i had seen his shows.

"Now, what?" I said to myself. I could go deeper into the forest, and try to find a road or something. But then I was risking myself to eternally walk the forest and die there. There was also the option of going back to the coast and explore it a little bit.

"You know what, walking buck naked across the beach sounds like a fun way to spend my Wednesday," I muttered to myself as I turned my back on my failure of a leaf skirt and trudged back to the beach. Thankfully, I was feeling neither hungry nor thirsty, but I was rather upset about the entire thing. 

Eventually, I found myself back at the beach, and went off to explore. It was a undeniably beautiful coast though. Occasionally glancing into the sea, it was clear that I was in a bay of some sorts as I saw land at the far distance, with a huge fuck off rock formation dominating the skyline.

If I was some medieval lord looking to set up shop somewhere, I would put my castle on top of that rock formation, and have a port town below. It wouldn't be a stretch the say I'd be reaping the rewards of a natural defensive position and a coastal one to boot.

I was not a medieval lord however, and I was rather looking forward to getting the fuck out of here and back home. I had a life there, and I was frankly not interested in abandoning it.

As I turned my attention back from the rock formation, and into the beach, I noticed something in the distance. It was made of wood, and had big white cloth...

A ship. 

Finally. At least there was something that wasn't just water, trees, and a rock hill formation. I hastened my pace towards the ship.

As I grew closer, my confusion grew. It looked like a fucking galley or some shit. I could see a flag on the back but the banner was too torn up for me. It was then that I noticed dark shapes on the sand.

Wooden boxes and figures lying down in different positions.

People.

With that, my feet took to running and I...stared down in confusion.

The first man who had long since passed looked like a Berber, or to be more accurate, a Moor. He wore a quilted shirt, with a light colored shemagh around his face. And to make this even more fucking confusing, was that the guy had fucking pointed ears. 

Like an elf.

"Ok, seriously, what the fuck is going on here?" I said incredulously as I went around, rifling through the corpses. Some of the men, men-elves, whatever, had different shades of color to their skin. Some where lighter, others darker, but all of them had the same pointy ears.

"Alright, momentary confusion, stand aside. Clothes first," I said to myself, to get my mind out of the clusterfuck it was going through. Looking around, I found a dozen or so chests that were unopened. Picking up a nearby mace, I broke through a few dry chests and found some clothes that were thankfully dry.

I felt weird in my new clothing. Riding pants, a nice blue tunic and perhaps the most comfortable leather boots I've worn in my entire life. I've never been to a Renaissance Fair before, but I sure as hell felt like I was in one. I've also helped myself to other things that caught my eye, namely a silvery mail hauberk I wore over my tunic and a belt that fastened everything on my.

Just as I was about to reach for a pair of gauntlets, I heard someone stir from behind me.

Reacting in speeds I never though I would do, I found myself looking at one of the men-elves, a fuck it, I'm going to call them elves from now on. I saw one of the elves stirring. It was also then that I noticed that this said elf had a softer looking face, and a mound where their chest was. 

It was also then that it occurred to me that there were some of the elves who had smaller and more graceful forms than others.

Cautiously, I slowly approached the stirring elf. I also made sure that my hands were up slightly to show I was not a threat. 

"Hey, uh, miss? You ok?" I called out to her. The elf did not reply however and upon closer inspection, she was only stirring but not waking.

Oh great.

I stood right next to her, and noted her modest clothing. She had a bell on her cap, and a leather satchel that was tightly shut. She was pretty though she had some baby fat on her face.

"Now, who the hell are you and where on earth did you come from?" I said to myself.

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A/N: This is just a draft for a new work I'm putting up soon. Basically, we are going to be sent into AD 171 Europe. Except, this Europe isn't what it looks like....

What do ya'll think?