1ST DRAFT - BLAKE PUDDING - Book 2 - Chapter 3 - Indigestion (Patreon)

In a delirious whirl, I swirled and twirled, arms flung wide as though to capture the heavens themselves. Beneath this ruse, I masked the anguish of my soul, an abyss left by the absence of my beloved Aurelia. How long has it been since I last held her? Time had slipped away, leaving me adrift during my brief afterlife with my mother. Nonetheless, I spun and hummed, my sinister grin unyielding. The disintegration of the time itself was of no consequence – I reveled in its destruction. Join me in the chaos, won’t you?

No, the pain I distracted myself from was for my soulmate, for a vampire, of all things. At my heels, the hapless Olin, his essence tethered to a grotesque, stunted man-rodent, a vessel, stumbled after me with an almost amusing bow-legged gait, a pitiful partner to my unhinged waltz.

“Halt!”

Ah, what a delectable sight! Olin and I finally reached the city beneath the cliff I had emerged from. An imposing portcullis from a bygone medieval kingdom now loomed before us, the polished metal evidence of its ancient splendor. An incongruous sextet of guards stood at the ready, their varied species piquing my curiosity – a lone human, a scaly lizard, a massive fur-swathed creature, and three elves, each with unique features alluding to dissimilar ancestries. Hell, one of the elves was even chubby. I didn’t even know that was possible for an elf.

How delightfully peculiar! Clad in matching gleaming plate armor, they embodied the quintessential fantasy knight. Aren’t they a grisly smorgasbord of canned meat? Two elves clutched magical staffs while the others wielded menacing swords and shields. This peculiar assembly only served to intensify my sinister amusement. Shit! Get a grip, Blake! No need to broadcast to the whole city that I’m a monster before even passing through the gate.

The Kingdom of Slaethia, which had attacked the necromancers and vampires, primarily contained dwarfs, elves, humans, and gnomes. Oh! And that whimsical fairy fuck. Ugh, I hope my explosive demise ended all of them. Anyways! Stumbling upon this motley crew of races was a delightful oddity. I couldn’t help but wonder if, perhaps, this place evaded the iron grip of those insufferable, self-righteous asshats. Well, I am lost amongst the stars… so, most likely?

“Razzle? Who’s this woman?” the human guard probed.

...

Casting a glance back at Olin, who seemed unaffected by the snow we had trudged through to get here, I gave him a menacing glare that could have melted glaciers. “Razzle, is everything all right?” I asked with a falsely concerned tone. My eyes sparkled with a mix of mischief and the promise of violence.

“Hmm, oh, umm… she’s my assistant?” Olin stammered his uncertainty on display for all to see.

“Assistant? Since when have you needed one? And what’s your name, ma’am?” one of the elves pressed, yet I detected a sly, malicious smirk aimed at the rodent – a gesture I found rather displeasing.

“Blake,” I uttered, struggling to suppress a snarl in response to the devious smirk directed at Olin.

“Blake?” The lizard repeated as if doubting the authenticity of the name. “Sure, we’ll go with that. Just remember, prostitution outside the whoring district is prohibited. We don’t want to see you here again. And Razzle, what would Faelwen think? You’d better get back to your wife before word of this spreads.”

I’m not a fucking whore! Well... maybe back in college, but I’m certainly no prostitute! Ugh! Relax, Blake. Just play along and get inside those city walls.

“Ha, you caught me. My apologies, it won’t happen again,” Olin chuckled, seemingly enjoying this exchange.

I swear, I’m going to kill him... again!

“Alright, you two, get inside before anyone sees this,” the lizard man guffawed. “And make sure you visit a proper healer before seeing your wife, Razzle. This one looks like she’s carrying something nasty – a bona fide plague on two legs.”

Excuse me?! These idiots have no idea who they’re calling a dirty whore! And I don’t look nasty. Casting my gaze downward, I scrutinized my dress, ensuring that none of the intricate embroideries appeared to writhe or squirm. Okay, maybe venomous and corrosive, but that’s an entirely different kind of burn.

Still, despite my diligent search, I seemed to resemble a typical human... well, if you discounted the fact that I was a silky white shade completely devoid of color. But hey, one of the elves among the guards looked the same way, so maybe I fit right in.

“Ha! Still bitter about your last visit to the whoring district, huh, Gavric? How long did it take for you to piss straight?” The hulking, furry creature roared with laughter.

“Let’s not talk about this right now. Come on, you two, get inside,” the human guard named Gavric frantically urged, attempting to put an end to the conversation.

The chubby elf holding a staff gave me a lewd grin, pointing his finger as he sneered, “Seems like I’ll have to pay a visit to the whoring district.”

I could sense his gaze crawling over my body, but I was the one salivating at the prospect of shoving my tentacle inside of him. I returned his grin with my own smile, biting down on my lower lip as I felt a thrill of anticipation run through me. Oh, I’ll definitely be seeing him again. Though, I doubt he’ll not much like it.

However, my dark thoughts were interrupted by the sensation of a hand pressing against my lower back, urging me forward. I turned my head, ready to unleash my fury on whoever dared to touch me, only to find Olin nudging me through the gate. I resisted the urge to activate my Corrosive and Venomous passives. If only Olin knew how close he was to losing that hand...

Olin’s voice slithered out in a soft whisper, barely audible over the raucous city sounds that now lay before us. “Don’t forget, our top priority is getting back to Lady Aurelia, not indulging in a killing spree,” he reminded me.

I let out a dramatic sigh; my murderous intentions momentarily halted. Ugh, damnit! He’s right… oh well, there’s always next time.

Shaking off my murderous thoughts, I surveyed my surroundings. Olin and I had finally made it into the city of Thirion, and while it was impressive with its three to six-story buildings stretching out in every direction, it wasn’t quite as awe-inspiring as I had imagined it to be. I mean, seriously, no towering wizard spires? What a disappointment.

Walking through the bustling streets, I couldn’t help but feel like a kid at the zoo, gawking at all the different creatures surrounding me. It was like a real-life exhibit of beings from all over the realms. But what really caught my attention was the temperature inside the city walls. It was like walking out of a freezer and into a furnace. Seriously! I had trudged through snow to get here, and now people were prancing around in thongs and shorts like it was a beach day. Ugh, I hate it!

Meanwhile, I felt like a goth outcast in my dark dress. But it wasn’t all bad – at least I wasn’t the only one with questionable fashion choices. I caught a glimpse of a guy with purple scales wearing a yellow kilt, and I couldn’t help but wonder what kind of ventilation he was enjoying.

“Why is it so damn hot?” I groaned to the rodent beside me.

“Hmm… Oh, it’s just a basic weather enchantment, though I’ve never seen it cranked up this high before.”

With a sharp hiss, I muttered to Olin, “Ugh, let’s just find a way off this rock and get closer to Aurelia.”

“We should gather as much information as possible before attempting to stow away on a freighter ship,” Olin suggested.

“Why would we stow away?”

As our conversation carried on, I couldn’t help but notice that we had delved deeper into the city. The once lively buzz of activity faded away, replaced by the eerie silence of decay. The buildings loomed overhead, casting a dark shadow on the dirt path that now passed for a narrowing road. A few homes stood in ruins as if left forgotten to time. I felt a shiver of excitement run through me at the thought of delving into this forsaken part of the city. Perhaps I’ll find a corpse to play with. No, no, focus, Blake, focus.

“Airship travel is expensive, and gate travel is even more so if there is even a gate on this moon,” Olin explained, snapping me out of my thoughts.

“Don’t worry about the funds, let’s just—” As the words were about to escape my lips, an irate-looking rat lady marched towards us with a horde of mice in tow.

“Razzle, you useless sewer rat! Where in the hells have you been?!” she bellowed, her voice carried out over the crumbling houses. “I swear, if it weren’t for all these hungry little shits, I’d have strung you up by your own tail long ago!” Her eyes blazed with fury as she glared at me. “And who the fuck is this woman smiling at me like that?! A round-eared snow elf? What’s she doing here?” Her hand moved to the knife at her belt. “If you’re running off again and leaving me alone with all these mouths to feed, I’ll gut you here and now and feed your remains to them myself!”

Sorry, but I’ve already eaten his guts. As I glanced at the group of tiny mice behind her, or rather, the children, I couldn’t help but feel a pang of a strange emotion. They had the biggest eyes for those tiny, adorable heads. Looking back at Olin, or rather, Razzle’s walking corpse, I couldn’t explain the odd feeling in my chest. Am I feeling guilty? Ha, as if I’m capable of feeling that. Must be indigestion.

Olin just stood there with a blank expression on his face, but what else was new? He was a lich whose phylactery was now connected to this rat woman’s dead husband’s corpse. I could leave him with her. I mean, I had other things I could be doing. After all, I had Olin’s phylactery safely stored away within Stellar Void. So, I could always disconnect and reconnect his soul to a different body if I decided to leave him to deal with his wife. Pfft! Plus, the silence was getting unbearable, and those kids were giving me the creeps with their big, beady… adorable eyes. Time to get out of here before this indigestion gets worse.

“Hey there, the name’s Blake,” I greeted Olin’s wife, ending the silence. I mean, Razzle. “Razzle over here was kind enough to mention a friend who could help me,” I recalled the guards mentioning her name was Faelwen. Leaning in toward the rat woman, I lowered my voice and added, “A necromancer, if you catch my drift.”

Faelwen’s eyes bulged in horror before narrowing into a deadly glare fixed on Olin. “Kaida?! You spineless rat! You said you were done with her!” Her voice dripped with venom as she hissed her words through clenched teeth. “You lying, two-timing, filthy sewer rat!”

Well, well, well, looks like Olin has found himself a woman with some spunk! I couldn’t help but chuckle as Faelwen lunged at him with her knife, her eyes blazing with fury. On the other hand, Olin remained eerily quiet as he glared at me with what I can only describe as utter annoyance.

My admiration for his new wife only grew as she rammed him with her shoulder with enough force to make the lich fall on his back. Straddling him, she repeatedly drove her knife into his chest with wild abandon, screaming obscenities at him with each strike. I have to admit, it was quite a spectacle to watch. I stood back, patting one of the adorably horrified mice on the head as I enjoyed the show until, finally, Faelwen exhausted herself and slumped off of Olin’s undead body.

I couldn’t help but grin as I approached her. “Well, that was quite the performance. Bravo!”

Olin’s head snapped toward me, and he spat out, “I loathe you!”

Faelwen’s scream reached an ear-piercing pitch before she collapsed to the ground in a faint. I scanned the area, but not a soul was in sight. Even the houses that might still be occupied had their shutters firmly shut as if broadcasting that they wanted nothing to do with the bloody scene unfolding outside. As I let out a deep sigh, I couldn’t help but stare at the horde of children or baby rats—whatever they were! They were watching us with looks of pure horror etched onto their faces. The pit in my stomach twisted and churned once again, causing a surge of discomfort to wash over me. Ugh… Damn indigestion.