Reduce. Reuse. Recycle. 4 (Patreon)

Chapter 4: Hi! My Name Is!

By the time we got Darkness her shield, Aqua had completely forgotten the blonde was an Eris worshiper. It was honestly a little incredible how quickly her little mind could utterly abandon a topic. What was more incredible was how she’d landed a job in heaven.

Like Mom used to say, it really did take all kinds.

Aqua was not my current problem though; that would be the blonde crusader on my other arm.

“Darkness, you can let go now.”

She pressed herself harder into my arm. “I must protect you, my liege.” Her right arm was hooked under mine, trapping my bicep against the side of her breastplate. On her other side she effortlessly carried a towershield nearly as tall as she was. We’d managed to find one with white enamel that matched her armor, with a line of spikes running down the middle. Darkness had initially objected to the ‘unchivalrous’ appearance until I told her I’d make her sleep on the shield if she underperformed on a quest.

Then she’d practically broken the smith’s hand with her coin purse.

I pressed my lone free hand to my forehead. “Darkness, I can’t draw my sword with you there.” I glared at her. “You know, the one I took from you?”

She let out a noise somewhere between a whine and a whimper, hips wiggling against mine as a light dusting of red colored her cheeks. “You shall have no need, my lady. I shall… bear any physical blow against your person.” She looked away, covering her mouth with the top of her tower shield like it was some type of paper fan. “I am sworn to protect you no matter how you might deride me.”

This was getting out of hand.

“Darkness, walk two steps behind me like a proper bodyguard,” I said. When she didn’t immediately move, I added, “You’re unfit to walk next to me.” I narrowed my eyes. “Your very presence is discomfiting.”

“Hnnnn.”

The sound, blessedly, came from two steps behind and to my right. I rolled my arm, working out the pins and needles from her grip.

A quick glance over my shoulder confirmed that Darkness was right there, hands clasped in front of her as she watched me eagerly like a giant golden retriever. I could almost see the tail batting back and forth in the air behind her as she waited for faint praise. I held back a sigh.

Bitch always said you had to properly reward your dogs.

“Good,” I forced out. Darkness perked up, lips parting slightly in anticipation. With another sigh, I cast around for something cutting that Emma would have said. “At least you can get your face out of my sight. It’s probably all you’re good for.”

I turned away, feeling dirty at the way Darkness’s face lit up like a christmas tree.

The way she’d latched onto me was honestly ridiculous. I didn’t know if it was just her personality to imprint on whomever would put up with her nonsense, or if somehow I’d just blown past her meager defenses in such a way that made her want to swear her life to me.

I blinked.

Like pushing a masochist to the point where she began to feel real, unadulterated, unpleasant, shame as a result of her own actions, only to turn that around and reward her for being exactly as useless and undeserving as she suddenly realized she was.

You know, like I’d done with the sword.

I turned back towards Darkness, watching her follow after me with a warm smile on her face. Her eyes brightened as she met my gaze, face flushing. I couldn’t help it, my nose crinkled in response.

“Being near you makes me want to bathe,” I said.

Darkness nearly trilled as I turned away from her. It wasn’t like I enjoyed acting this way, but I’d been the one to recruit Darkness—over Aqua’s vocal objections. Now I was the one who had to feed her. To top it all off, she fulfilled a necessary role in our group. I was a Mover/Striker, with Aqua as our force-multiplying healer along the lines of Panacea or Othala. Darkness slipped perfectly into that frontline Brute role we so desperately needed to take on quests where the enemies were too numerous or too intelligent for me to keep them all off of Aqua while still staying alive.

Also, Mom didn’t raise me to kink shame.

“Bath?” Aqua popped up in front of me. “That sounds nice. Better than being out here in the market district when you won’t even buy me anything!”

I blinked. “I said that like five minutes ago. Did it just penetrate?”

“Eww, Taylor. As if I’d let anything from you penetrate me.” Aqua scoffed, tossing her head. “I am a pure and untainted goddess. Praise me by buying me stuff!” She placed a hand on her chest, posing as if she expected a spotlight to illuminate her.

It probably did, back in heaven.

Here down on the mud with all the other mortals, she got a palm to the face as I pushed her to the other side of me. “You have your own money.”

“Ahaha…” She poked her fingers together. “No I don’t?”

“Yes you do,” I said. “I gave you your share of our loot two days ago. You can’t possibly have spent it all.”

Aqua laughed again, kicking her feet against the cobbled road.

I stopped. “Aqua.”

She whistled.

“What did you do?”

And that was how we ended up at the guild, in front of half a cartload of blue dyed silk that Aqua had somehow conned them into storing for her.

“Really, we don’t work with merchants all that often,” Luna said. “But since you just came back from completing so many quests, I figured we could hold it for a few days. If you leave it any longer, I will have to start charging you storage fees.”

I pinched my nose. “Thanks, Luna.” I gave the buxom guild clerk a wan smile. “Keeping it here for us really was a huge favor. If not for you, Aqua might have left it in the stables where moths would have eaten it.”

“Ah, well, if you feel so strongly about it…” She gave a winsome smile back. “You could always—”

“I’ll get you a souvenir when I come back from wherever we end up selling it.” I met her eyes. “Note that this does not constitute any debt between us, either as two individuals, or as the adventurer’s guild and the head of my adventuring party.”

She giggled. “Now, Taylor, it’s not like everything’s a contract between us.” She waltzed back over to the counter. Somehow the cart of silk was right next to it at the back of the massive guildhall and I’d just missed it this morning. “Besides, I’d love a personal gift! As a clerk I don’t get to travel much, so I love hearing about all the exotic places most adventurers go! I’ll just sign out the cart now, then?”

“Probably for the best.” I nodded.

“Great. Speaking of, what is the name of your party?” Luna picked up a fountain pen, tapping the nip against her cheek.

I blinked. “Do you really need it?”

“Well, it was signed in under Aqua’s name, but you’re signing it out under party leader.” Luna waved a piece of parchment. “It will make record keeping easier, as a favor?” I quirked my lip. It would be pretty bad to ignore such a simple favor when she’d stopped Aqua from wracking up some ridiculous debt under my nose.

Also, I was trying to be a better person, and really, picking a party name wasn’t the end of the world. “Taylor’s Party.”

“Veto!” Aqua leapt to her feet from the nearby table. “I won’t stand for such a boring name.” She paused for half a beat. “It should be Aqua’s—”

“Oh shut up.” I shook my head. “Just withdraw your cart already so we can get a move on.”

“Neigh!” Aqua raised a finger to the heavens. “Neigh, I say, we shall resolve this issue now!”

“It’s nay, Aqua.” I said.

“That’s what I said,” she neighed.

I blinked.

“Um.” Darkness raised a hand. “Perhaps the defenseless—”

“You don’t deserve naming privileges either,” I said.

“Hnng.” She wrapped her arms around herself. “So cruel!”

I felt a prickling on the back of my neck as several other of the usuals at the guild glared daggers at me. “Oh come off it!” I shouted at the room. “If you want to defend her so bad, why won’t any of you hire her?” Almost immediately everyone glanced away, and I nodded in vindication. “That’s what I thought.”

“Well, it should be easy enough then,” Luna said. “Between the two of you, that girl notwithstanding, you should be able to come up with a good name!”

I winced. There was one problem with that. I was terrible with names.

“Aqua’s Divine Party!”

“Veto!”

“Aqua’s Holy Party!”

I rested my face in my hand. “Christ, this is the fucking kinesis thing all over again.”

“I heard that!”

“What?” I asked. “Me realizing that your naming sense is even worse than mine?”

“No!” Aqua shook her head furiously. “You praying to another god. That’s forbidden, remember! Forbidden!”

“Ah, in that case.” Darkness leaned forward again. “Perhaps Eris’s Par—”

“Nooooooo!” Aqua stomped her feet on the floor. “Never, never never! I’d sooner die!”

Darkness pouted, and it took me a second to realize she was only upset because Aqua hadn’t called her a dog for worshiping the other goddess.

I turned back to Luna to avoid the urge to bash my head against the wall. “As you can see, we could use some help.”

“Oh no.” She covered her smile with a delicate hand. “I wouldn’t dream of interfering in party politics.”

“I’ll name it Luna’s Party, then,” I muttered. “Saddle you with the lot of us.”

Her eyes flashed. “You wouldn’t.”

“We need another person in our party, especially if we’re going to be transporting such expensive cargo.” I buffed my nails against my chest. “Of course, we also need a name. You pick.”

She sniffed.

“Fufufu.”

Luna and I turned as sinister laughter echoed across the room. The lights in the hall seemed to darken—wait, no that was Luna leaning on the light crystal control as she leaned over the countertop.

Anyway, the newcomer was standing a short distance away, her face hidden by a comically oversized witch’s hat made of dark fabric with a face stitched onto the front in red yarn. Two button eyes stared at me like some doll sorting hat mockup.

“Struggling to find a name and a final member of your party?” the girl asked. She threw her arm to the side, cloak flapping behind her in the wind. “Behold! Fate drew us together, for I am the answer to both ills!”

I looked to the room. “Anyone know this girl?”

“She’s a weird-ass archmage!” someone called back.

“Behold, I am MEGUMIN!” She raised her staff in the air, red sphere in its center glinting. “Archmage of the CRIMSON Devils.”

“Um.” Darkness raised her hand. “You said, ‘behold’ twice.” Several people turned to look at her, and she blushed, poking her fingers together. “I-I was told not to repeat myself in speeches, because it ruins the effect.”

“I mean, she’s not wrong,” I said. “Not really selling yourself as the answer to our problems here, kid.”

She winced. “I’m not a kid!” she shouted. Her voice was high pitched like a kid’s, so I wasn’t sure if I believed that. “Besides, b-behold is perfect there! Why should I say something else that’s not the best word?!”

It wasn’t a bad argument, and I could see some heads nodding around the room. After all, these people were adventurers; why use anything other than the best sword, the best skill, etc. Unfortunately for them, my mother had been an English professor, and I still knew a thing or two about language.

“Because it’s an ineffective repetition,” I said. “It doesn’t add anything, instead it just sounds awkward.” I raised an eyebrow. “When it serves no purpose, why should it be there at all? You know, like another member in an adventuring party that already works just fine.”

“Grk.” Megumin jerked backwards. “I’ll show you ineffective, you—you giant! How dare you look down on me.”

I blinked slowly. “How else am I supposed to look at you?”

“You could seat yourself, like a normal person, instead of towering over everything like a tree!” Megumin crossed her arms. “And I’ll have you know I have a perfectly good name for a party such as the four of us, and I’m willing to prove it!”

“Oh, another test of skill?” Darkness perked up, grabbing my arm. “Taylor, Taylor!”

“Yes, I’m Taylor.”

I stiffened as something came over me, a sense of a mantle settling over my shoulders. I looked around, but nothing had changed. I shook the feeling off. It was probably nothing.

“You should test her.” Darkness blushed. “Like you tested me, my lady!”

“What am I now, the Lady of the Lake?” I shook my head. “Whatever, sure. I don’t have time for this. You.” I snapped my fingers at Megumin. “You have one shot: come up with a name for our party that all of us can agree to, otherwise you’re out.”

A low murmur spread through the room as people craned their head forward.

“Fufufufu…” Megumin laughed again, pulling her oversized hat low over her eyes. “A fair bargain struck. Behold!” she said for the third time. “This cursed eye of mine has seen the future, and divined the name of our future party!” She cast her head back, curling her fingers over her crimson eyepatch. She cast her staff to the side, striking a pose.

“Call us Hell’s Belles!”

I blinked. “Okay, that’s actually not bad.”

“Huh, bells?” I heard someone say. “They don’t have any bells.”

“No, belles, moron.” There was a thunk as someone smacked the first idiot on the back of the head. “With an e.”

“Bells has an e in it, buddy!”

“Who you calling buddy, friend?”

“Who you calling friend, pal?”

“Who you calling pal, buddy!”

“Who you calling—”

As the room shifted focus and the rest of the adventurers started chanting for a fight, I sighed and pulled Megumin over to the counter, next to Luna. “Alright, girls, any objection to the name Hell’s Belles?” I quirked my lip. “Speak now or forever hold your peace.”

“Fufufu.” Megumin smirked. “My prowess is the talk of many!”

“I’m sure.” I rolled my eyes, before turning to Aqua and Darkness. “So?”

“But I’m a goddess.” Aqua pointed to Darkness. “And she’s a crusader. That’s not from hell.”

“It’s called irony, Aqua.” I rolled my eyes. “Besides, I’m an assassin and she’s a crimson devil or whatever, so it balances out.” I laughed. “Not to mention, no one who’s talked to you for more than a second would think you were heaven sent.”

“Oh, that’s an excellent tagline!” Luna, the clerk, chimed in. “Shall I put the four of you down as Hell’s Belles then? Catchphrase, Heaven Sent?”

I looked around the room. Aqua seemed ambivalent at worst but she clearly liked Heaven Sent, and Darkness was muttering something about how embarrassing it would be for a crusader to admit to being one of the demon lord’s own women or some nonsense, so that was a massive gold star from her.

I shrugged. “Seems like a yes. Great, put us down as that, and we’ll get that cart of silk and—”

I paused as a massive grumbling roar cut me off. The four of us turned to look at our newest archmage, who was clutching her stomach, cheeks as red as her crimson eyepatch. “I… haven’t eaten in a few days.”

I sighed again. “I’ll buy a nice lunch for my new party members, thenwe’ll grab the cart and set off to sell it somewhere.” I gave her a pleading look. “Can we wait for at least that long?”

Luna giggled. “I’m sure we can manage for another hour or two.” She made a note of our new party name down on a ledger before putting the book away. “Do you know where you’re going to sell the fabrics?”

“I was hoping you’d have a suggestion on that.”

She hummed, cupping her cheek with one hand. “Well not me personally but… I do know someone who knows the area really well, don’t you…”

She beckoned to another clerk “Alexander Hamilton?” A young man stepped into view “His name is Alexander Hamilton.”

He waved off Luna’s compliment. “There’s a million things I haven’t done, but just you wait.” He shook my hand. “Just you wait.”

“Great,” I said.

And that was how we had essentially had two timeskips in the same day, and ended up trundling down the road nearby to Axel—that was the name of the town we’d been staying in, go figure.

Up around the bend, an old dilapidated castle came into view. It was set on a bluff, overlooking the road. I came to a stop, Megumin and Aqua on my left and right.

Behind us, Darkness was (all too cheerfully) pulling the wagon. I hadn’t gotten my bath, and I still felt like a massive bully every time she looked at me with those sparkling blue eyes.

“Are we sure someone lives here?” I asked.

Aqua shrugged. “If not we’ll just keep going, right?” She pinched her nose at the castle. “Besides, such a crummy old place would be really happy to have such lovely new fabric! Right? Riiiight?”

I shared a glance with the other girls, including Megumin, who had a bit of fried frog leg still on her cheek. We all shrugged. “Sure,” I said. “Beats hauling all of this another hundred miles. Pull faster, Darkness, I don’t have all day.”

“Yes!”

I hung my head.

We trundled up to the front of the castle, banging on two ornate knockers on the front door that looked like imp heads. There was the sound of shuffling from inside, so if nothing else, the place was occupied, and it was looking like we’d be able to save a ton of time off loading all of these stupid silks.

Then the headless horseman opened the door.