Reduce. Reuse. Recycle: Chapter 3 (Patreon)

Read the first two chapters HERE 

Chapter 3: Three’s a Crowd

“You,” I decided, “don’t deserve a sword.”

Darkness, from where she was trying to yank her blade out of an errant tree stump, gasped in appalled shock. “Y-y-you can’t say that to me! This is my sword! I bought it!”

With a mighty heave, she tore it from the stump in a shower of wood ships. It would have been almost impressive…

If she didn’t fall on her ass immediately afterwards.

“And people used to buy slaves,” I said. “Look how that ended up for them.”

Not that they taught American history here, but there’d been like, three and a half slave revolts in this world, and they ended with the owners’ heads on pikes more often than not.

“Yeah, stupid Eris Dog.” Aqua kicked Darkness, bruising her foot on the crusader’s armor. “Ow, ow! Stupid Eris Worshiping armor! I’ll smite you, I will, I promise.”

Darkness slowly pushed herself to her feet. “Lady Arch Priest, I do not believe that is how smiting works.” She reached out, patting the other woman’s shoulder to console her. “You must be a goddess to smite people.”

“I am a goddess!”

“Aqua, even the useless crusader pities you,” I said. “The useless crusader who worships your worst enemy.”

“You’re all so mean to me.” She pouted, turning away. “See if I heal either of you after this.”

“That would be concerning, since that’s the whole reason I dragged you out here.” I turned back to Darkness. “That is, it would be concerning if Darkness could hit anything at all.”

Her cheeks went red, and I wish I could say it was from embarrassment. “You cast such—such aspersions against me, when I have joined your party to offer aid!”

“Technically,” I said, “you joined our party to protect the arch priest, and she already hates you so much she would pick the monster over you.”

“It’s true.” Aqua nodded. “Actually, I would push you into the monster first, and never ever heal you no matter how much you begged unless you said I was better than—”

“And you!” I rounded on the goddess when she least expected it.

“Eh, me?!” Aqua jumped, looking around. “No, it’s gotta be someone else. I didn’t even do anything, right? So—”

“Where did you get those clothes?”

“Huh? These?” She plucked at the frilly blue and white fabric of her gauzy skirt and fitted vest. “You mean my divine raiment?”

“No the other set of clothes you were wearing.” I rested my face in my hand.

“Oh, Taylor.” She reached out, resting a hand on my shoulder almost tenderly. “I’m not wearing any other clothes, you poor girl. The stress of training a filthy Eris-worshiper must have finally caused you to snap.” She wiped a tear from her cheek. “Fear not, the goddess Aqua shall care for you until you recover.”

I reached up, grabbing her wrist.

“Eh?” Aqua blinked.

One thing about being reincarnated with both arms was that it made it trivially easy to pin people up against trees, as I did right now. “I was being sarcastic,” I said. “I feel… saddened that I should need to make that clear.”

“Oh, so you were talking about my divine raiment?” Aqua asked.

“U-unhand the archpriest at once!” I heard Darkness shout from behind my shoulder.

I glared at her for a second. “Be quiet, I’ll finish with you later.”

She took a half step back, shoulders wiggling as she pressed her hands to her face and—you know what, I just wasn’t going to bother thinking about that, no matter how amusing it was to wonder what would have happened if Emma and Sophia had tried to bully Darkness instead of me.

Moving on.

“How did you get those clothes back? They were destroyed,” I said to Aqua.

“Duh, my divine raiment reforms from my divine will.” She scoffed, tossing her head. Or at least, she would have, if I didn’t have her pinned up against a tree. “Didn’t I tell you that?”

“I thought it was like when you started spouting off about ‘God Blow’ and then got eaten by that frog.”

Aqua was silent for a long moment. “We agreed not to talk about that.”

I raised an eyebrow. “That was before you wasted money on clothes even though you can just magic up a new set.”

“I forgot, okay!” Aqua pouted at me. “It was a long three weeks.”

“It felt like four weeks,” I replied, finally releasing my grip. “Whatever, one less thing to waste our limited funds on.” Despite having cleared a rather absurd number of quests, food and rent in a city were not cheap. “Now stop interrupting me, I have to convince the crusader that she should do something useful with her hands.”

“Pssh.” Aqua waved a hand as she stepped away from the three. “The only useful thing she could do would be to fold those hands in prayer and—”

“Okay, enough of that,” I said. “If I have to moderate a theology debate every time either of you open your mouths, I’ll sew them shut with spider silk.”

She stiffened. “Th-that’s a bluff. You don’t have your old weird magic anymore.” I smiled. “No, you’re bluffing.” I smiled wider. After a second, Aqua slumped. “Fine, whatever, it’s not like I care,” she said.

With a sharp nod, I turned back to Darkness. “Look,” I said. “We’ve been sparring for over an hour. You haven’t landed a hit on me, and I’m not even using skills.”

Darkness looked off to the side, blue eyes fluttering. I sighed, pinching my nose. This wasn’t the first time her attitude alone had driven me to distraction. She hadn’t managed to hit me any better when I’d had my eyes closed.

“B-be that as it may,” Darkness said. “You haven’t managed to damage me either!”

I held up my weapon. “You mean with the sword I snapped in half fighting Grob McSloth of the devoured woods, or whatever he was called?”

Darkness blushed.

“No, really,” I said, “I never would have guessed I might have trouble injuring a crusader who dumped all of her points into defensive stats with a dull and broken sword. Why didn’t you tell me? We could have saved so much time.”

“W-well, that’s besides the point,” she tried.

I threw the sword at her, and it bounced off her forehead, pommel first.

“Oof!” She staggered back a step.

“Right. Besides the point.” I nodded. “Because my weapon doesn’t have a point. And I’m also not using my skills because the last thing I want to do is punch through your stupid durability and accidentaly cut your head off.” I tilted my head. “But if you insist on sparring to first blood, I’ll make an exception.”

Darkness shivered. “Th-that. Well…” she swallowed. “With an archpriest here…”

“Nope.” Aqua shook her head. “Already said I wasn’t healing you, not even if you ask pretty please with sugar on top.”

“Aqua, theology.”

Aqua huffed, turning her head away. “Healing her is against my religion!”

“Unfortunately,” I said, “you don’t have the supreme court in this country. Not that they’d rule in your favor if you did.”

“I’ll show you a supreme court that won’t rule in your favor,” she muttered.

I paused. “What was that?”

“Nothing!” She looked further away. “Nothing at all!”

I stared at her for a moment longer before shaking my head. As long as she healed Darkness during missions, I didn’t care if they fought like cats and dogs the rest of the time.

“So there you go,” I said. “If I accidentally stab you through the throat, our healer won’t patch you up. Next argument.”

“I-It’s my sword,” she tried again.

That made me sigh again. “Okay, fine. How about this: touch me with your sword, and I’ll let you keep it.”

Darkness blinked, then her eyes narrowed. “I am no fool. Your dexterity is too high for me to hit you in combat, I accept that, but our classes—”

“Not hit.” I raised a finger. “Touch.”

She paused. “I… fail to see the difference?”

“We won’t be sparring,” I said. “In fact, it won’t be a fight at all. All you have to do is touch me with your sword.” I gestured to the few meters separating us. “Close the distance, one swing, touch your sword to any part of my body.” I looked her dead in the eye. “I won’t even move.”

Her blue eyes narrowed. “You take me lightly, blackguard.”

“I’ll take your sword, maybe.” I tilted my head. “Or do you not think you can do it? Do you think you’ll miss an unarmed and unresisting opponent? Because if so, there really is no reason for you to keep carrying that thing you call a weapon.”

She trembled once, before firming. “Without a weapon, what use will I be to the party, to the priestess I swore to protect?”

“That’s your hangup?” I shook my head. “Sure, how about this then: you take my bet, or you’re off the party.” I waved my hand towards Aqua. “That priestess of yours already wants you gone. I’m the only one who maybe wants you around. So draw your fucking sword already!”

Darkness quailed under my glare, breathing heavily as her hand moved to her scabbard of its own accord. For my part, I just straightened, placing my hands on my hips. I didn’t even care if she hit me anymore; I just wanted out of this imbecilic argument we were having.

Darkness placed both hands on the grip of her sword. “Then I shall show you my might as a crusader!” she declared, walking forward with strong, bold steps.

She tripped two paces in.

I watched, idly, as the sword flew from her grip, flashing end over end as it arced gracefully through the air. I decided, as it reached the vertex, that I’d stay true to my word. Even if the sword came down and stabbed me through the eye, it would be worth it.

Because Darkness would be utterly insufferable if I let her keep the stupid blade.

I closed my eyes, enjoying the feeling of what could be my last few seconds on this world, and vowing to say no to skeevy heavenly telemarketers next time around.

Then, with a shink, the blade hit the ground and stuck.

I opened my eyes, looking down. The tip was lodged an inch away from my foot. The blade planted itself perfectly upright in the ground, like the sword in the stone, jutting proudly upwards to the sky. I stared at it for a second, taking in the proud form of the blade and the disgraced crusader lying on her face behind it.

Then Aqua started laughing so hard she fell over as well.

“Right.” I grabbed the sword, pulling it out of the ground. “This is mine now.”

“Aha!” Darkness pointed. “I touched you with the sword! See, it—it was all an elaborate ruse.”

I sighed for the umpteenth time that day. “Even addressing your argument on its own merits—which I’m not because it’s stupid—I also said I wouldn’t move. You missed your one swing, I moved, you lost.” Her eyes widened as the reality of the situation seemed to finally settle in, and she slumped to the ground.

I made my way over to her, resting my new weapon lightly on my shoulder. “I’m going to need that scabbard too.” I raised an eyebrow. “Unless you want to fight me over that as well. Hmmm? Double or nothing?”

“N-no…” When she looked up at me, I was surprised to see actual tears in her eyes. Even as she trembled at the humiliation of losing her sword because she couldn’t so much as touch a person with it, she seemed actually broken up about losing it. “A sc-scabbard is no use without a blade.” It was almost interesting, watching the byplay of pain and excitement warring on her visage. Mostly, I just felt like I had to take a bath for pushing this girl to something resembling her limits. I needed to wash the tinge of Emma from my skin.

Still, I said nothing as she unbuckled her scabbard and handed it to me.

Aqua skipped past me, still giggling. “Aww, poor little Eris follower!” she simpered. “C’mon, Taylor, we still have things to do today!”

I nodded. “Indeed.” Then I reached down and hoisted Darkness to her feet. “To start with, we need to get this one a shield.”

“What?”

“Wait wut?”

I snorted at the matching looks on both of their faces. “I never said I’d kick her from the party if she lost, just if she refused to try in the first place.” I patted Darkness on the shoulder. “The last thing I need is you taking my head off in a fight. Now c’mon, let’s go get you a nice big shield instead, and we can find a few monsters to throw you at while you’re weaponless and unable to properly defend yourself.” I smiled at the blond. “That sound like fun?”

This time, when her eyes grew wet, it clearly wasn’t because of any internal conflict. She grasped my hand in both of hers, pressing her forehead to my knuckles as tears streamed down her cheeks. “I-It seems I misjudged you, my lady.”

I blinked at the words, and then again when she sank to her knees in front of me, still firmly grasping my hand.

“Indeed,” she said, “I would seek nothing more than to spend every day at your side in such a manner. Please, accept my oath of service as your sworn shield.” I blinked a third time, almost impressed by her vow. Then she let out a huff of air, shoulders trembling beneath her deceptive pauldrons. “That I may b-bear every harm and indignity and…” she giggled. “…in your stead.

“Well fuck,” I said. “Now I have to say yes.”