Die a Hero Chapter 2: Enter, The Synthetic Cyborg! (Patreon)

A/N: Read the first chapter here:  https://forums.spacebattles.com/threads/ten-times-worm-snippet-commission-thread-now-in-base-17.645934/page-25#post-63249689 

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“So, you’re a hero?”

“Yeah.” The man in the yellow spandex, Saitama, scratched his cheek idly. “Mostly as hobby though. You know, when I have time for it.”

I raised an eyebrow. In my experience, that wasn’t the way it worked. “How’s that working out for you?”

He paused for a moment, dull eyes blinking slowly. “Well, everyone thought I was one of those crazy baldies that were on the news earlier.”

I nodded. “That doesn’t seem very good.”

“I’ll handle it.” His face took on a heroic cast as he stared into the middle distance.

I chuckled. “Practice that line a lot?”

“Ten times in front of a mirror every morning.” He nodded firmly. “And ten more at night.”

“That’s a lot.”

“A hero doesn’t do anything by halves.” He paused, scratching his back, even as his other hand stayed on his cheek. My stroller full of stolen money coasted along for a few seconds before he caught it again. “Well, except for noodle buckets. Those things can kill you.”

I tilted my head. Saitama was proving to be a font of… information. “Noodle buckets?” Whether any of that information was worth more than the hair on his head was up for debate.

Saitama was bald, in case that hadn’t been made abundantly clear.

“Yeah!” He gave me a happy smile. “Oh, Genos doesn’t know about those either!” We climbed the stairs to his apartment complex. I tried not to twitch as he carried the stroller in front of him as if he were still pushing it down the street.

Even though all four wheels were in the air.

“There’s this udon shop I go to.” He looked up into the air, a dreamy smile flicking across his face. “Once a week they have the bucket special where they give you a biiiiig bucket of noodles.” He made a shape with his arms, one hand still holding the stroller. “And—” a duffle bag slipped from the stack, and he snapped the stroller back in place to catch it. “Whoops. Gotcha.” He flicked a nervous glance to me, a bead of sweat on his forehead. “Sorry.”

I stared at him for a second, before sighing. “It’s fine.” I patted him lightly on the shoulder. “I’m sure you swinging all of my stuff around will go much better this time.”

He flinched again, though at least this time he kept the stroller steady.

Honestly, I never thought stealing money would be this nerve wracking.

Saitama, on the other hand, was actually driving me to conniptions.

If he weren’t immune to my power, I’d have thought he was a complete moron. As it was, if I strained I could barely make out a Saitama-shaped hole in the world where he was standing. For all intents and purposes, it was like he didn’t exist, and past experience had taught me to be wary of people who messed with other powers in any respect.

“Anyway! We’re here.” He fumbled in the pocket of his jumpsuit for a second for his keys, pulling them out only after hopping back and forth for several seconds as his hand got stuck in the rubbery material.

I held back the urge to sigh. Remember, Taylor, this man wasn’t just some idiot.

“There we go. Ah…” He looked at the key to his hand. “Nope, that’s for my bike.”

He was an idiot that could smear me across the sidewalk by accident.

“Let’s see… where did they go, where did they go…”

I opened my mouth, not sure what I was going to say but certainly something—anything—to put an end to this display. His pants were going to tear off before he found the stupid keys at this rate.

Then he started counting on his fingers. “Let’s see… First I went to the store this morning… Hmmhmmm. And after that… the post office. Then I came back home.” He nodded twice. I felt the growing urge to throw myself from the exterior balcony.

But even knowing Saitama for less than an hour, I figured he’d probably catch me before I could hit the ground.

And then ask me why I slipped.

“And then…” He smacked his fist into his palm. The resulting pressure wave sent my hair whipping across my face. Then he caught the stroller again before it could touch the ground. “I remember!” He turned back to the door, banging on it. “Oi! Genos! Open up!” I blinked as the wood rattled in its frame.

The door clicked open.

Standing in the door was a…

I swallowed.

He was a tall man, with spiky blond hair. Taller than Saitama. His v-neck shirt strained against his chest, cut off at the shoulders to reveal two glossy black metal arms.

Well.

I’ve had worse neighbors.

“Sensei!” Genos gave a sharp bow. “I see you are back.” He held out his hand. “Thank you for letting me borrow your key.”

“Ah, don’t worry about it don’t worry about it.” Saitama took the key back, slipping it into the opposite pocket as his bike lock key. “Did you make a spare?”

Genos held up a finger, and the tip split open to reveal a thin metal key.

“Wow! Genos you can do that?”

“Indeed, sensei.” He nodded, then his eyes tracked over to me.

I did my best to keep my expression level, even going so far as to let some of my… ahem, appreciation of his physique to leak onto my features.

“And who is this?” he asked.

“Hm?” Saitama patted me on the shoulder. “This is Taylor! I—ah—ran into her while I was looking for those bald guys, and I decided to help her out some.”

“Hmm.” The pupils of Genos’s eyes contracted, I could practically see the shutters in his irises, and I gulped. “Your face is a ninety-five percent match with a villain caught on security footage earlier today.”

I blinked. “Wha—” My mind started to race, only to freeze when Genos’s arm came up, transforming into a massive cannon.

It glowed, the mechanism emitting a low whine as he charged it up. “Stand down or I will be forced to subdue you.”

“I’m not a villain!” My tongue ran away from me, blurting out the most obvious lie. All the prepared excuses I’d cooked up vanished into smoke, not that any of them would work against a robot with facial recognition programs.

And to top it off he was blank to my power as well. Oh, I could sense him just fine, but his thoughts were hidden behind a veil of static. Even at my best, I doubted I had the strength to throw him hard enough to matter.

If Saitama let me make it that far.

“Your response has been noted.” Genos’s voice didn’t contain a drop of mercy. Instead, his eyes just narrowed further. “But that is not what my sensors indicate. If you are telling the truth, then put your hands on your head so that I may—”

His head snapped down as Saitama’s fist hit it. I blinked.

Genos’s arm turned back into a normal hand just in time for him to catch his fall. Which was also just in time for Saitama to sigh.

Still holding my stroller full of stolen money in his off hand, by the way.

“Oi, Genos.” Saitama shook his head. “You can’t just go around accusing people of being villains.”

Genos got back to his feet, bowing his head. “I understand, sensei, but my facial recognition subroutines are—”

Saitama bopped him on the head again. “Are you even listening?” He frowned, his round cheeks puffing out even more. “You know, today a bunch of people thought I was a villain because I’m bald. Were their ‘face recognition’ routine-things working too? It’s not fair to people, you know!”

It was a struggle not to hold my breath as Genos processed Saitama’s words. If he really was a cyborg then any overt change in my bearing might be taken as a sign of guilt.

I still let out a breath of relief when Genos nodded a moment later. “I see.” He turned, bowing in my direction. “My deepest apologies, it appears that I still have much to learn about being a hero.”

It took me a moment, my eyes going up to the ceiling even as Genos’s remained fixed on the floor. “Apology accepted.” I pressed a hand to my chest; my heart was pounding. Was I nervous? Excited?

For some reason I couldn’t tell.

A small laugh escaped my throat. You know, the first time around I’d made friends with villains and then robbed a bank, this time I’d robbed the bank first and then made friends with heroes. It’s like my mom always said: ‘history doesn’t repeat itself, but it does rhyme.’

I suppose this was me, waiting for the punchline.

“Anyway.” I shook my head, coming back to the moment. “There’s other things we have to do… right?” I did my best to put on a show of uncertainty. It was easy enough, given how my pulse had skyrocketed when Genos pulled his blaster arm on me. “Like, rent and things?”

“Ah, well, I was gonna ask you to chip in with utilities.” Saitama scratched his cheek again. “But then Genos went and bullied you, so that doesn’t really seem fair.”

I blinked. “I know you said there wasn’t really any rent, because of the landlord, but are you sure?”

He waved his hand. “It’s fine, it’s fine. After all, I mostly just pay to keep the water on, and they still forget half the time!”

“Sensei.” Genos stood smoothly, none of the earlier hostility left on his sculpted visage. “I believe that was because you forgot to pay in a timely manner, and so the city assumed the building had been destroyed. That is why I was forced to call the utility company directly.”

“Hahahaha.” Saitama stopped, eyes narrowing at his ‘student.’ “Oi, Genos, why are you making me look bad in front of the person I saved, and after I saved you from being such an ass too?” He didn’t seem actually upset, despite the words. If anything, he just seemed mildly annoyed.

Though I suppose, if someone like Genos was willing to treat Saitama with respect, the baldy might even be strong enough that nothing really bothered him anymore, and that mild annoyance was about as upset as he ever got.

I pondered that for a second, before brushing it off. No. I was just reading into things too much. Saitama was clearly stronger than me, but that didn’t make him the second coming of Contessa. Rather, he was probably just that type of person.

Still, this presented an opportunity for me to start cleaning some of my funds, if I could phrase it right. “Well, if that’s the case…” I began. “I could probably handle paying for utilities?” I rubbed the back of my neck with my good arm. “I mean, if I could do that to help pay you back for helping me find a place to live.”

Having a legitimate source of income I could pad out was money laundering 101.

Not that I ever got to 102, back when I had Lisa to handle those things for me. I’d… figure it out as I went.

“Eh?” Saitama turned to look at me. “But that’d be more work for you.”

I shrugged. “It’s not that difficult.” I managed my expenses, as few as they were, when I’d been part of the wards, never mind helping Dad organize the bills. “If it makes it easier for you to go out and help people, that’s reason enough for me.”

Saitama blinked once at me, before his dull eyes lit up with a smile. “See, Genos! This is why a hero should always treat people with respect! You never know when someone you brushed off might have a helpful ability!”

Well, maybe that was overstating things a bit. Not that I was going to tell the cyborg otherwise when this train of thought was so obviously to my advantage.

Genos crossed his arms thoughtfully. “I see. It appears Sensei is very wise when it comes to heroics in the community.”

“Hehe…” Saitama grinned. “Well, I just happen to know a thing or two about getting a deal.”

“That is true.” Genos nodded. “Sensei always makes sure to get the best deals at the supermarket every week.”

“Exactly!” Saitama slammed his fist into his palm again. Genos didn’t so much as blink, even as the pressure wave sent his hair whipping through the air. It seemed that this was a normal occurrence. “A real hero makes the best of any situation.”

No, I don’t think that means what you think it means.

“Would you be willing to do this for us, Miss Taylor?”

I turned to Genos, before nodding. “Of course, that’s why I offered.” I paused for a moment, before looking towards the window. “Also, I don’t want to overstep my boundaries, but it seems like this apartment building is in… poor shape.” It was still standing, which was more than could be said for most of the buildings on this block, but that’s about all that could be said about the building beyond Saitama’s own carefully maintained apartment.

“Ah yeah.” Saitama nodded. “That’s ‘cause of the random monster attacks. I do my best to squash ‘em, but sometimes the building gets hit by a stray attack. Why do you mention it?”

“Well, if you two were willing to pay some small ‘rent’” I made air quotes with my hand. “Then I could probably get some people to do some repairs. My dad used to run a union, so I know how to set it up.” I gave a deprecating chuckle. “I should be able to make sure that the stairs don’t collapse at least.”

“Hmm.” Saitama tapped his chin. “Sounds nice. A lot of the other rooms are pretty torn up too. Maybe if we fixed it up, we’d get more people living here.”

I… sincerely doubted it.

“Are you certain you can convince people to work in this part of the city?” Genos asked. “City Z is almost completely ignored by the rest of the Hero Association, and therefore it has little access to contractors and civil services.”

Which sounded pretty bad on one hand, but on the other it looked like I might be getting paid to live here so...

It’s like they always said: you could take the girl out of the docks, but you couldn’t take the docks out of the girl.

Actually, scratch that, it sounded like something Imp would say.

“I’m sure I’ll be able to find people who are willing to pitch in.” I shrugged, pushing away that line of thought. “If not, I’ll give you the funds back, and I’ll just keep taking care of the water bill.”

“Sounds like a good deal to me, eh, Genos?”

Genos nodded as well. “It would appear so. Very well.” He reached into a… compartment, in his arm, pulling out a small stack of yen. “I believe in situations like this, it is appropriate to pay several months’ rent in advance.”

I blinked once at the stack of bills. I mean, sure it was nothing compared to what I had in my duffle bags, but I’d literally robbed a bank for those.

“Um, isn’t this…” I paused, glancing back up to the Cyborg’s face. “A bit much?”

“This is the average amount for three months’ rent in City B, where the Doctor who repaired me has residences. Also, it is for two people, as I am paying for Sensei as well.”

“What a good student.” I said, voice faint. What did I do to deserve getting wrapped up with these weirdos? “Well, if nothing else, it should be enough to get a small construction team out here? Materials as well.” I gestured to my stuff. “If I could just get set up in a room that has a telephone at least, I’ll get started on that.”

“Of course.” Genos nodded, retracting the frankly absurd amount of money for a second. “As an apology for my earlier behavior, please allow me to help you in setting up a room.”

“Ah, no that’s not necessary.”

“I insist, on my honor as a hero.”

I paused, glancing over to Saitama, but he was just nodding proudly like he’d managed to teach Genos something worthwhile, instead letting both of them get taken advantage of by a villain. With a sigh, I reached over, taking the stroller from the yellow spandex clad man. “I suppose I could use help with the doors.”

Genos nodded, and I breathed an internal sigh of relief. At least he wasn’t insisting on pushing the cart. He’d probably notice that the weight of the bags was… unusual.

“Oh, the room two doors down should still be in pretty good shape!” Saitama called as we moved towards the entrance. “They’re all unlocked too, so don’t worry about the keys for right now.”

I sighed. “It seems I’ll have to get the locks changed as well.”

“You needn’t trouble yourself.” Genos stepped to the side, allowing me to go first like a gentleman. “I’m sure Sensei will be able to find the rest of the keys if you ask him.”

See, on one hand, that sounded like less work for me, but on the other… Well, I liked to think I knew a thing or two about going undercover.

Even if that just amounted to an extremely long list of things not to do.

Having two heroes vouching for my identity could only mean good things for me in the future.

So, I decided to roll up my sleeves, as it were, and get to work. “No.” I shook my head. “If I’m going to be paying Saitama back for his help, I should be able to do at least this much.” I gave a small laugh. “Though, I don’t think we’ll get many people who want to live here.”

Genos hummed, stopping in front of the apartment two doors to the left of Saitama’s. “You might be surprised. Sensei is very strong, and that has a pull all its own.”

I laughed again. “I suppose, among heroes, there would be enough crazy people willing to live in a condemned city.”

“We’re living here, are we not?”

I just smiled.

Genos opened the door.

We both blinked.

There was no apartment, just a gaping hole through the entire building. In the distance, I saw a sparkling tower skyscraper that—as if it had been waiting for its cue—shuddered and began to collapse.

Well.

“Maybe…” I started. “He meant two doors in the other direction?”

Genos nodded, shutting the door decisively. “Yes, let us check.”

“And I’ll add ‘giant hole’ to my list of repairs.”

“That seems,” Genos said, “most prudent.”