Sidekick Café (Patreon)

This snippet was commissioned by Thatonesungod

It involves characters from several other stories of mine, links to my stories where these characters appear:
Misaka 10032 (Chaos Theory),
Penny Polendina (Replaceable Parts),
Liliruca Arde (Balm in Gilead), and
Angelica (Four's a Party)

Sidekick Café

Taylor placed a hand on Misaka’s head, wrist bent over the bulky night vision goggles. “Be good, and don’t let anyone push you around. I’ll be back to pick you up in an hour.”

“‘Pinky promise?’ asks Mikasa as Mikasa prepares to journey to an internarrative space where she can interact with other characters of similar tropes.”

She earned a huffed laugh for that, and another ruffle of her hair.

“Did you get bit by the exposition fairy?” Taylor wrapped her pinky around her daughters, pumping their linked hands once.

“‘Someone has to explain the situation to the audience, and we don’t have a theme song that will do it,’ says Misaka as Misaka bends the metaphorical 4th wall over a metaphorical table and penetrates it with her metaphoric—”

“Ah, ba, ba!”

“‘What?’ asks Misaka as she tilts her head cutely. ‘I was going to say high speed hollow point rounds,’ lies Misaka as easily as she breathes.”

Taylor laughed again, louder this time. “My heart goes out to all the women whose children don’t come with built-in lie detectors. Now go already! Try to make a new friend!”

With firmly gentle hands, Taylor pushed Misaka 10032 through the door—

And face first into a piece of metal shaped like a woman.

“Sal-u-tations!” The woman statue raises an arm. “I’m Penny Polendina, it is a pleasure to make your acquaintance!”

A head of brown hair pops around Penny’s waist. “Oh, good, Lili was going crazy.” The small girl cocks a thumb over her shoulder. “Welcome to the club house.”

“‘Salutations,’ replies Misaka as Misaka takes in the ritzy looking restaurant straight out of a mob anime. All it is missing is the—”

“Irashai!”

Misaka blinked, before nodding. The upscale mob restaurant vibe was completed.

“Heh?” Lili’s head tilts even further. “You looked so normal at first, and now you show off your own cutesy speech pattern? Don’t think Lili is gonna lose to you!”

“‘I don’t have a speech pattern,’ says Misaka as Misaka refutes the midget’s baseless slander.”

“Oi! Who are you calling a midget?”

“Oh, let’s not fight.” Penny pressed her hands together. “Aren’t we still waiting for our—”

Something small and soft ran into Misaka’s back.

“‘Alas’ says Misaka as she falls forward, ‘I am sla—’”

She crashed once again into Penny’s collar, interrupting her words.

“Owwie…”

“Oh, dear!” Penny picked up Misaka and the newcomer, setting them back on their feet. “Are you two alright?”

“Eh, chienthrope?” Lili asks

Penny turned towards her. “Is that what your people call ‘a faunus’?”

“Ah, hello!” The new arrival bowed, golden ears flopping forward. “I’m Angelica, it’s nice to meet you all.”

Misaka giggled, an airy sound that seemed to vanish into the wind.

“Eh?” Lili leaned forward. “Are you okay?”

Misaka’s shoulders clicked up and down, soft puffs of air escaping her lips in something that is almost a laugh. “‘Angelica is a dog,’ says Misaka.”

“Ah.” Penny smiled, raising her hand as if at a lectern. “According to my state sponsored sensitivity training, calling a faunus a dog is not—”

“Yep!” Angelica raised her hand. “I’m a dog demon! I don’t know what a faunus is though.”

“‘Angelica is a dog, named after an angel,’ says Misaka as she—” A soft crack cut her off.

As one, all four girls looked at Misaka’s goggles. The dark matte casing had a fissure running down the center. It creaked once more before splitting down the middle and falling into Misaka 10032’s waiting hands.

Lili whistled. “Lili thinks Penny has hard bones.”

“That is most unfortunate,” Penny said. “I hope I did not break something important.”

Angelica twitched her ears. “I don’t get the joke?”

“‘It is fine,’ says Misaka as she valiantly controls her expression—”

Lili twitched. “Is it valiant when your expression never changes…?”

“‘It is only my reminder of the night Mama saved my life,’ continues Misaka as if she wasn’t interrupted by a rude dwarf.”

Lili growled, fingers clenching. “I’ll fold you into a dwarf, and your stupid black helmet too!”

“‘Bring it—‘”

Angelica reached out and clasped Misaka’s hands. “You were saved by Taylor, too?” she asked. “You’re just like me!”

A beat of silence, with Lili blinking as Misaka turned her head slowly towards the second shortest member of their group.

“‘Ah,’ says Misaka as she tries to extract her hand…and fails… ‘that’s’”

“You can tell me all about it. Here!” Angelica stepped half behind Misaka, putting both hands on the small of her back. “We can call sit over there! Let’s go, let’s go.”

Misaka’s penny loafers dug into the carpet, sparks of static electricity popping up her ankles. Still, within moments, Angelica had her seated in a high back leather chair. Penny followed with a bright smile, leaving Lili staring after the three of them with a blank expression on her face.

She sighed, running a hand through her messy hair. “Bossy, huh?” She drifted over to the table, before pausing when she caught sight of the only remaining seat. “Wh-wh-what’s up with the highchair!”

“‘It is because the midget is a midget,’ says Misaka as—”

Angelica clapped a hand over Misaka 10032’s mouth and smiled even wider than Penny. “Don’t you wanna see over the table?”

After Lili got talked into the booster seat, because Angelica was right about the table, the four girls took a moment to relax while a faceless waiter came out with a round of water.

“How interesting,” Penny said. “I thought the shadow people were unique to downtown Vale. It is good to see that discrimination has not kept them from other locations.”

The other three looked at her; Lili even paused in her grumbling.

Penny continued smiling unabated, bottle green eyes glowing slightly as they traced a bead of condensation running down the side of her glass.

“No one’s gonna ask about the shadow people, right?” Lili asked. “Right, so, as resident normal person here, Lili wants to know what you’re in for.”

“You make the current situation seem as though we are in prison,” Penny replied. “This location is much nicer than the jails of Atlas, however, so I am confused.”

Angelica reached out and patted her hand. “Don’t worry, Lili is just being sarcastic.”

“Understood!” Penny’s eyes flashed. “Updating my databanks.”

“‘I am in to make friends,’ says Misaka, raising her hand.”

Penny’s eyes flashed in an entirely different way. “Friends?! would—!” She paused, visibly reining herself in. “Would you like to be my friend, Miss Misaka?”

Misaka paused, tilting her head slightly. “‘That is...acceptable,’ Says Misaka, remembering that Mama’s criteria were not specific.”

“Sen-SATIONAL!” Penny clapped her hands together. “I shall have to report my success back to my big Sister as well.”

Lili pointed at Misaka. “So…Taylor is your mom?” Then to Penny, “And your big sister?”

“Yes!” Penny nodded.

Lili swallowed once, leaning back in her chair. “Uh huh.”

“You seem surprised, Miss Lili,” Penny said. “What appears to be the matter?”

Lili quirked her lips. “Lili really shouldn’t say…” but at Penny’s insistent look she continued. “Miss Taylor doesn’t…have nurturing…uh…”

The pause started to drag, leaving Lili floundering beneath Penny’s gaze until Angelica hopped in.

“Miss Taylor is my boss,” she said. “But I wish I could call her mama, too! Nobody told me it was an option when I joined up.”

“‘Just do it,’ Advises Misaka. ‘They don’t want you to know this, but the word Mama is free; you can call Mama ‘Mama’ as many times as you want and no one can stop you. I have called Mama ‘Mama’ six hundred and thirty-two times.’”

“Can I?” Angelica’s tail started to wag. “I don’t know…if she’d like that.”

“I am certain Taylor would appreciate you greatly!” Penny said. Angie’s tail wagged faster.

“Lili still doesn’t get it.” Lili folded her arms. “Calling Miss Taylor ‘mom’ would be…” She pulled a face, shoulders hunching. “She might respond with a knife,” Lili muttered.

Penny perked up at Lili’s words. “That reminds me! Miss Lili did not share about her Taylor.”

“Huh?” Lili leaned back in her chair. “I didn’t?”

“‘Almost as if she was dodging the question’ says Misaka with suspicious eyes.”

“Lili thinks those are the same as your normal eyes.”

“Hey!” Angelica pointed at Lili. “Now you’re definitely dodging the question!”

“Ah, well, that’s…” she found down a blush. “Lili supposes that Taylor saved Lili, too.”

“Absolutely splendid!” Penny said. “I cannot wait for her to save my life!”

“‘Actually, my mom convinced my sister to save my life,’ says Misaka as she clarifies her earlier hyperbole. ‘So I can’t wait for her to save me as well.’”

“As Taylor is my elder sister, I am sure she will perform the job admirably,” Penny said.

“Lili doesn’t think you should wish to be in danger just so Taylor can save you.”

“Isn’t it nice that everyone says their name when they’re talking?” Angelica asked. “It makes it super easy to keep track of.”

Lili blinked. “Wha—"

“Indeed.” Penny nodded. “I wonder if I should also begin speaking in third person.”

“Ahaha.” Lili shifted in her booster seat, the plastic creaking against the wooden chair. “Maybe that’s not a good idea?”

“‘Why not,’ Angie asks with a big grin as she—”

Lili gasped. “Betrayal!” She lunged across the table at a squealing Angelica. “Accept my revenge as punishment!”

“Wha—nuuu!” Angelica batted at Lili, but then the smaller girl’s hands found Angie’s ears and started scratching. “Stooooop.”

Lili grinned, fingers expertly petting Angelica’s ears.

Angie’s tail started to wag despite her protests.

“Fascinating.” Penny leaned forward. “This is another activity that was forbidden in the sensitivity lessons I have downloaded.”

“Wanna get in on it?” Lili grinned over her shoulder. “Lili knows all the best spots.”

“I should not,” Penny said. “But…”

“Please, have mercy!” Under the assault of two sets of hands, Angelica started panting, leg thumping against the floor. “Noooooo, why does it feel so good?”

“There, there.” Lili’s nails found a good spot right behind her ear. “Scritchy, scratchy.”

Angie’s watery eyes sought out Misaka across the table. “Save me…”

Misaka stood. “‘Angelica is a dog,’ says Misaka as she descends upon her prey.”

“Nooooooooo~!”

~~*

Sometime later, the waiter returned with some sweet dango and melon soda, and the girls all shuffled back into their chairs. No one commented when Penny started musing about how the shadow people carried things without defined fingers.

Angelica, for her part, kept her ears covered with both hands, but she still couldn’t control her tail, beating happily at the back of her chair from so much pampering.

“Meanies.”

“Lili is glad you enjoyed yourself.”

“What is this food?” Penny asked. She eyed the syrup covered rice balls with fascination. “Is this some new Mistralian cuisine?”

“‘Ish Dango,’ says Mishaka with her mouf full.”

“Un.” Lili took a stick of her own. “It’s really good, you should try some.”

“Oh, I don’t need to eat,” Penny said. “But I find the composition fascinating. I did not know rice could become so glutinous.”

Lili made a face. “Please don’t call the food that when we’re eating it.”

Penny tilted her head. “Whyever not?”

“Just don’t, trust Lili.” Before Penny could ask another question, Lili tapped the table with the flat of her hand. “Besides that, we need to decide our goals, you know. Our goals!”

“‘My goal is to make new friends,’ says Misaka, smugly having accomplished her goal.”

“Making friends sounds like an excellent goal!” Penny clasped her hands together. “I hope I can become your friends as well, Miss Lili and Angelica.”

“Mm!” Angelica nodded happily.

Lili touched the side of her face with one hand. “We should aim a little bigger?”

“What could be more important than making friends?” Penny asked.

“Okay, you want friends? Lili will be your friend.” She put on a cutesy smile, batting her eyelashes up at Penny. “You’ll be our friend too, right Angie?”

“Hmm.” Angelica rubbed her chin. “I’ll definitely be Penny’s friend.”

“Grk.” Lili half doubled over the table. “Could this be, betrayal?”

“I’m joking, I’m joking! Of course I’ll be your friend.” Angelica shifted slightly, eyes darting to the side. “As long as you promise to…scratch my ears again.”

“Eh? Sure,” Lili said. “What’s a couple head pats between friends.”

“So we’re all friends?” Penny smiled. “How wonderful!”

“Well…Lili never said anything about being Misaka’s friend.”

“‘Grk,’ says Misaka as Misaka hunches over the table. ‘Could this be betrayal?’”

“Fine, Lili will be friends with you, if you ask nicely.”

The two brunettes glared at each other over the table, before finally, Misaka nodded. “‘Okay,’ says Misaka as she asks nicely to be friends.”

Lili blinked, turning to look at the other two girls. “Does that count?”

“Take your wins when they come,” Angelica said. “Otherwise they might leave you behind.”

Lili huffed. “Fine.” She thrust her hand out over the white tablecloth. “Friends.”

Misaka shook.

“Great!” Lili plopped down in her booster seat, swinging her legs. “Now that we’ve accomplished our first goal, can we please come up with a real one? Unless everyone just wants to sit around and drink this green liquid.”

Penny raised her hand. “It is called soda-pop, but I am not familiar with this specific flavor.”

“Sure. Soda pop.” Lili pushed the glass away from her slightly. At the others’ expressions, she added, “Lili doesn’t like weird drinks.”

Angelica still looked slightly tempted, but ultimately stuck to her water. “For goals,” she said. “Why don’t we try to make M—miss Taylor happy?”

“Is this a joke?” Lili asked.

“A most excellent suggestion, friend Angelica,” Penny said. “I have noticed that my Taylor is rarely happy. Increasing her quality-of-life index is a project that would benefit from our combined efforts.”

“What?” Lili asked. “So we should try to get our Taylors a boyfriend?”

“‘I do not think boys would make Mama happy,’ says Misaka. ‘Friends might, though’.”

Angie raised her hand. “My Taylor doesn’t even like boys.”

“Huh,” said Lili.

Angelica nodded. “I think it’s because Amy put her brain back together wrong, or at least, that’s what they’re both pretending. Personally, I’ve never seen her look at a boy like that.”

“Traumatic head injuries can cause major personality shifts,” Penny said.

Lili sighed. “So how should we make our Taylors happy?”

“‘Crush our enemies,’ quotes Misaka. ‘See them driven before us and hear the lamentations of their women’.”

“If that is our goal, then I am combat ready!” Penny says.

Misaka pulls out a sleek black assault rifle from under the table. “‘I am too,’ says Misaka as she readies for combat.”

“Okay, that’s not what Lili meant.” She waved her hands rapidly. “There are bigger problems, you know! Bigger problems, right?” She turns to her only potential ally, only to realize that Angelica has already pulled out a glowing red staff.

“Auntie Amy always says that if you can’t solve a problem with violence, you just have to use more violence!”

Lili’s head hit the table. The three of them giggle as the palum grinds her face into the tablecloth. “Lili understands why she adopted all of you, now,” she said. “Maybe, instead, we could focus on something more tangible. Lili thinks getting Angelica to call Miss Taylor ‘Mama’ would be a good start.”

The giggles paused.

Lili tentatively peeked out from beneath her bangs. Penny and Misaka were looking at Angelica speculatively. The dog was blushing gently, eyes off to the side.

“You know,” said Penny. “Such an action would probably also fulfill the larger parameters of making Taylor happy. It seems like an admirable goal.”

“Really?” Angie asked.

“Wouldn’t have suggested it if it wasn’t a good idea.” Lili huffed. “Miss Taylor collects lots of strays, even her goddess.”

“Goddess?” Penny asked.

“Don’t worry about it,” Lili replied. “Life would be better with less gods, so Lili thinks we should worry about the mission.”

“I find that to be a rather interesting statement,” Penny said. “My world doesn’t have any gods.”

“Maybe Lili took them all?” Angelica asked. “Mine doesn’t have any either.”

“Hey, we’re getting a little distracted here?” Lili tapped the table. “Don’t you want—"

“‘It’s easy,’ says Misaka. ‘The word ‘Mama’ is free…”

Lili shut her up with a hand to the face. “Don’t you want to make your mama really happy?”

Misaka mumbled something into Lili’s hand.

“What’s that?” Lili canted her head. “We should listen to Lili, says Misaka because Lili got Misaka two extra friends, says Misaka? I think you’re right!”

Penny giggled. “You are quite good at that.”

Lili sniffed, folding her arms.

“If we are not to follow Friend Misaka’s advice,” Penny continued, “how should we best reach our current goal?”

“Ha?” Lili leaned back in her chair. “Why are you asking Lili?”

“Because you have really good ideas, Miss Lili!” Angelica reached over, squeezing the smaller girl’s hand. “Also, you’re really good at getting people to listen! I can do it to, but mostly with other dogs…”

“That doesn’t mean you should listen to me,” Lili replied.

“I believe that’s exactly what it means.” Penny nodded. “In fact, since Lili is so good at coming up with ideas and convincing others to go along with them, I think we should elect her our councilor!”

Angelica tilted her head. “What’s a councilor?”

“A person who speaks on behalf of the group,” Penny said.

“Oh.” A shrug. “Sure, let’s elect Lili!”

Lili jerked in her chair, blinking rapidly.

“All in favor?” Penny raised her hand.

Angelica was quick to join her, hopping up to lean over the table with her hand outstretched. They both grinned at each other even as Lili sputtered.

“I believe that constitutes a majority?” Penny asked.

“W-w-wait a second!” Lili waved her hands in front of her face. “We’re still tied, tied! I don’t wanna be a councilor! Lili isn’t a leader type of person, she’s a supporter.”

“Supporters can be leaders,” Penny said. “In fact, I would go so far as to intimate that ever leader should support their people.”

“Well not this one!” Lili replied. “And it’s still tied because I vote no!”

Penny frowned at that, and Angelica huffed, crossing her arms.

Then another hand rose into the air.

“‘I will vote for Councilor Lili,’ says Misaka with a smirk.”

Lili slumped, head thumping back against the table to another round of giggles.

“I believe that this is the first time you’re actually smiling,” Penny said.

Misaka’s shoulders clicked up and down as she laughed. “Hehehe.”

Slowly, Lili’s shoulders started to tremble as well. Her fingers curled into the tablecloth.

“Miss Lili?” Angelica asked, ears twitching. “Are you okay?”

“Hehehe.” Lili’s shoulders continued to shake as she slowly pushed herself upright. A kind smile had stretched across her face, soft almost laughs slipping through drawn back lips.

Angelica pulled back slightly. “Miss Lili?”

“No, no.” Lili said, smile stretching. “Lili thinks it’s funny too. Hehehe.” Her laughter mimicked Misaka’s.

Lili slipped out of her seat, feet landing softly on the floor. Angie scooted away, while Penny and Misaka watched on expressionlessly.

Inexorably, Lili advanced. She raised her hands, fingers tense and half clutched and completely at odds with her cheerful smile. “Let Lili thank you for your wonderful idea!”

Angelica let out a soft, “Eep.” She almost fell backwards out of her chair as she scrambled backwards. “Nooo!” Her hands came up over her ears. “No more head pats!”

“But look at your tail!” Lili walked faster. “It’s already wagging.”

“No it’s not!” Angie shook her head. “It’s not!”

The two of them circled halfway round the table, going slightly faster with each step, when Misaka noted. “‘Angie’s tail is wagging, though,’ says Misaka.”

Angelica looked behind her, glaring at her mutinous limb.

Lili lunged.

Angelica screamed, throwing herself out of the way in a burst of wind that sent the tablecloths fluttering.

“Get back here!” Lili sprinted after her.

“Nooooo!”

The two darted around tables and under chairs, Angelica running for her life and Lili pursuing in manic frenzy.

“It’s Misaka’s fault!” Angie shouted. “Not me!”

“You think Lili doesn’t remember whose idea it was, you little punk?”

Angelica threw out another burst of magic to gain some distance. Lili struggled against the unnatural gust of wind, letting the other girl catch her breath.

“Can we just call it a draw?”  Angelica asked.

With a growl, Lili spun and swept a tablecloth off the nearest table, plates and all. She swung it around into a crude sack that landed on her shoulders in one quick motion.

“That does not seem to be aerodynamic,” Penny noted.

“Orrrrraaaaaaa!” Lili didn’t know that, or just didn’t care. She ducked her head into the wind and charged; this time it barely slowed her down.

Angelica turned white as the tablecloth as she turned to run, narrowly dodging a flying tackle.

“Respect the support class, you adventurer wannabe!” Lili shouted.

Angelica focused on running.

Back at the table, Penny smiled at her only friend still seated. “This is quite bracing.”

“‘Seems normal,’ says Misaka as she remembers her big sister and her big sister’s little gremlin.”

“Oh my.” Penny pressed a hand to her lips. “I cannot imagine situations like this occurring on a regular basis. The General would be quite upset.”

She paused as Angelica somersaulted over the table with Lili close behind.

“It…is very fun, though,” Penny said.

Misaka raised an eyebrow.

As Lili and Angelica continued to tear through the restaurant, kicking over tables and throwing over chairs, Penny looked down, wiggling her shoulders slightly.

“Say, Friend Misaka, can I ask you a question?”

“‘You already did,’ replies Misaka gleefully.”

“Oh, I suppose I did, didn’t I?” Penny smiled back. “Would you mind if I asked you two more questions, including this one?”

Misaka shook her head.

“I have noticed that you seem to be conducting a great deal of electricity,” Penny said. “That…plus your manner of speaking—”

“‘What manner of speaking?’ asks Misaka as she continues to speak in a normal manner.”

Penny continued, “—leads me to wonder if you are…a robot like me?”

“‘Ah,’ replies Misaka, ‘No I am not a robot.’”

“Oh.” Penny’s shoulders slumped slightly. “I see.”

Lili crashed into an unattended cart, shattering a crystal carafe full of water on the floor.

“‘I am, however,’ Misaka confides in her new best friend, ‘a synthetic lifeform, built to be a clone of my big sister as part of an unethical experiment that big sister and Mama saved me from.’”

Penny gasped, hands pressed against her blouse. “Best friend?”

Misaka nodded.

“Well, Best Friend Misaka! I am glad we share this common ground.” Penny paused. “Being both synthetic lifeforms, not the unethical experiment part. My creators were highly ethical.”

“‘There’s always time for that to change,’ says Misaka.”

“Oh, just wait until I tell Taylor and Father that I made a new best friend!” Penny rocked back and forth in her chair. “They will be so pleased with me. General Ironwood might even smile.”

“‘General Ironwood seems like the name of someone who would be involved in unethical scientific experiments in the name of the greater good,’ observes Misaka.”

“It is a good thing he is not then!” Penny replied. Her smile glowed inextinguishably. “Though, Best Friend, I have to ask another question.”

“‘You have already asked two,’ Says Misaka as Misaka debates the merits of her generosity. ‘Still, I can answer another question for my new best friend.’”

Penny let out a little giggle, copper curls bobbing around her grinning face. She took a deep breath, calming herself down and smoothing the fabric of her skirt back over her stockings. “If you are an exact clone of your ‘big sister,’ does she also talk the same way you do?”

Misaka tilted her head. “‘What way are you—"

Angelica crashed into the table.

The glasses went flying, the tablecloth went flying.

Lili went flying, as she streaked towards her target like a guided rocket. “I HAVE YOU NOW!”

The doors to the kitchen flew open.

“Dinner is served!”