French wife (Patreon)

The football match was buzzing, and I was just another guy soaking up the chaos in the stands. But then this freakin' magician shows up during halftime, pulling rabbits out of hats or whatever. I figured it was all a bunch of crap, just some sideshow nonsense to entertain the masses. Didn't expect it to turn my world upside down.

Next thing I know, there's a lottery drum on the field, and the magician starts yapping about changing someone's life. Yeah, right. But, damn it, my ticket number gets called out, and I'm thinking, "This is some sick joke." Only, it ain't.

"C'est mon numéro!" I shout in French, not even knowing where that came from. And suddenly, my voice ain't the deep, menacing growl I'm used to. No, it's this high-pitched, girly sound that sends shivers down my spine.

Now I'm not on the damn football field anymore. I'm standing on some street I don't recognize, feeling this heavy-ass weight on my chest. I look down, and what the hell? There are these huge mounds sticking out – boobs! And my chest is strangled by some tight-ass bra that's making it hard to breathe.

I can't even see my damn legs 'cause these new knockers are in the way. I glance down, and all I see is cleavage. Cleavage! I'm checking myself out in disbelief, feeling earrings pulling on my ears, hair that's not mine, and I'm standing on goddamn heels that I can't even balance on.

There's this stupid purse hanging off my shoulder, and I'm wearing some pink frilly dress that's tighter than any situation I've been in. Straps from the bra are digging into my shoulders, making me feel like I'm wearing a damn straightjacket.

I'm swaying like a damn newborn giraffe, and some dude approaches, talking in English like I'm supposed to understand him. Turns out, he's claiming to be my husband. Husband! I don't get it. He's saying I'm his foreign wife, and if we split, I'm off to France.

I put my hand to my mouth, feeling these girly pink nails, and it hits me – I ain't who I used to be. I can't be a wife; I'm a frickin' guy, a bully who had his muscles and his whole damn life stolen.

I'm freakin' out, thinking about doing stuff with this guy that makes babies. It's all too much. I want my life back, my muscles, my attitude – anything but this messed-up nightmare that's become my reality.