2024 Mid-Life Update – Espresso or Depresso? (Patreon)

Hello dear Dragons (Patrons),

It’s been a little while since I’ve had a life update post like this so here goes. Please note I’m not in the happiest of moods right now, but I’m going to speak candidly about some things that have happened and what I’ve been experiencing.  

I never thought I’d hit a wall like this. For some reason, I imagined that getting featured some time ago my life would be super easy but HOLY SHIT I did not sign up for this!!!! The amount of time I spend thinking about OTHER stuff unrelated to actually making SubZero is RIDICULOUS!!! Talking with accountants and agents, doing book stuff, promoting book, doing social media, trying to see my friends/family every 2-3 months, on top of the weekly deadlines, I feel like I’m spread so thin and I’m really REALLY failing at all of it. T______________T (EDIT: I'm rereading this post after a few hours and I want to acknowledge that in no way am I trying to insinuate these are the WORST issues someone could go through or that my life is so much harder than anyone else struggling out there. I just feel it's gotten to a point where I spiral/break down over these things at least once a week and I don't know what to change).

Some days I try to fall asleep only to stay up thinking about what I need to complete/finish in the next 8 hours and I feel my heart start to pound out of my chest. (Even making this post to an extent which I intended to make for ages). It could be the copious amounts of coffee I drink during the day, but I have a sneaking suspicion that it’s more to do with the daily fight-or-flight I casually learned to operate under these last few years.

It's painful to write this but recently I’ve even been struggling with simple stuff, especially remembering to take calls or respond to emails. I completely slept through an interview once and missed some pretty important calls. Everyone has been super kind about it and willing to reschedule but of course I can’t help feeling like a fuck-up Q_Q I feel like there has to be something deeply wrong If I get so sidetracked that it’s not possible to keep up with these things.

I never really mention much of my family situation, but holy shit does it hurt to be told I’m selfish or I don’t come around to visit enough, when I spend every little ounce of time I could be resting to go home and visit. The last time I went home, I literally felt more drained than I would working on a regular episode. I don’t know if anyone else experiences this, but this has been a thing since I moved out about 2-3 years ago. There’s never been any effort from anyone else, just me going back and forth trying to make everyone else HAPPY! (And WOW, it doesn’t work…)

I did have a call with some WT individuals recently and spilled my guts about what’s happened these last few years, how creators need more support and how I don’t know if I can continue this weekly schedule in the future. It went over well (I’m glad I was able to tell someone, and they acknowledged my feelings) but I guess we’ll just wait and see how things go from here. For some context, I’m perfectly fine keeping up with SZ at the current schedule but I’m specifically referring to any future comics I decide to do. I’m still so passionate about comics and have so many stories to tell, I just don’t think I’m strong enough to continue at this pace.

Book Stuff – Once again I bring this up because I know my Layout artist, Editor and I worked our asses off on this thing. We’re currently working on Vol II (which I think is super promising since the story picks up) but I can’t help but feel so damn frustrated thinking I need to be making tiktoks, posting to socials, getting promo for this thing (THAT I KNOW I’m proud of) but not wanting to come across as a shill every other time I post about it. Since WT is not involved in this project I can’t rely on them for promo in any way (which should incentivize me further) but I can’t shake off the feeling that I’m being super annoying about it Q_Q. LOL I guess to shake off that feeling here is the Preorder link for SZ VOLUME I once again ->  LINK 

I feel like all these little things have piled up so much to a point that I feel like I’m about to have a breakdown over the smallest thing. I used to not let it bother be but these days even something like a drop in my socials makes me spiral if I’m doing something wrong. I woke up today and just sobbed over how little grasp I feel like I have on everything. Q_Q

I make a point to never write anything while in a shitty mood (it translates over into the comic a bit too much I feel) but boy is that hard when I have so many instances of feeling shitty to begin with T_T. So yes, I’m sorry for being so absent with all of you. I miss having time to draw bonus content for SZ, mini comics, illustrations…. I ESPECIALLY miss drawing the SPICE >:”D Every now and then I’ll push things aside so I can make time, but even then I haven’t had much time for anything else than the weekly deadlines and behind the scenes book stuff.  I’m just so… tired.  

Phew that felt good to get off my chest. All this being said, I’m no less passionate about SubZero than when I started. Every time I get to sit down and work on the story I always feel a sense of joy and happiness seeing these characters come to life. There’s only about 2 - 3 big arcs left in the story before we finally reach the conclusion. I figure if I keep going at this rate SZ will be finished early next year. (OFC I want the finale to be bonkers crazy awesome)

In any case, thank you for coming to my TED talk. Despite all the behind the scenes stress I hope that it will all pay off eventually. I will be attending Tokyo X next month in Houston, TX and 1 week later I'll be flying out to San Diego for the ALA Annual Conference June 28-30th.  I believe the second event may not be open to the public unfortunately (I believe there is some registration needed) but if you happen to know any librarians attending make sure to let me know! (I can save some prints or things)

You guys are such a massive reason for everything this story has been able to achieve and I am so incredibly grateful. For the time being I will try to use a little less of my brain worrying and just focus on making good content. Thank you <3

-Juni